Has anyone come back from the brink of divorce?

[Helpots]

Im a family lawyer, and I do have a few clients each year who’ve already started divorce proceedings but reconcile.

separated from H just over 7 weeks ago, he left, I think he’s had a breakdown, had a torrid 8 months throughout which he kept changing his mind about whether or not he wanted to continue with the marriage, but telling me throughout he loved me up to 2 days before he left me.

he now no longer loves me, doesn’t want to be with me, is holed up in his mums spare room, no intention to move out of there, not consulted solicitors beyond some online advice, can’t speak to me without being incredibly insulting and shouting at me

I know the advice will be to move on but I’m not ready to at the moment.

has anyone on here managed to come back from the brink?

OP,
I'm sorry to hear about your sadness. It is very difficult to bear when someone leaves us without an explanation.

Looking at your emails, and starting from the premise that "All people make sense all the time", I've noticed this phrase:

"He's saying that our arguments and the ensuing toxicity has caused him to lose his feelings for me."

Can you say more about the arguments?
Explain in more detail, including your feelings about what was said and your imagination of his feelings.

Also worth a read.
Thoughts of marriage by a very solid marriage counsellor (3000 + couples) who came back from the brink of divorce himself and is now very happy with his wife.
What to do when He/She Leaves?

There is hope, and relief, in gaining understanding. However you will need to work on learning deep compassion for both him and yourself. It is a long path but very worthwhile.

Consider also listening to David Burns podcast "Feeling Good". A recent episode
356, demonstrates beautifully the hard work of compassion to another person during conflict and what wonders can come of it sometimes. Many times.

In life there are no guarantees but you can try and even the act of trying will bring growth for you. You have nothing to lose.

David Burns is a Stanford Uni professor and has bestelling books on depression and anxiety and also coaches wonderfully on relationship issues.

Both him and Al Turtle are excellent. Al Turtle goes very far in his explanations and his website is first class. John Gottman also give similar great advice on relationships. Worth looking up.

How did you get on Op? My husband is depressed at the moment and it’s leaving me broken

Hi @user1471886287 We’re getting divorced. It’s nearly broken me but since working with a lot of medical professionals, I now realise that I’ve been a victim of sustained mental and emotional abuse and I was excusing his behaviour as being his depression. I filed for the divorce and it will be the best decision I’ve ever made in the long run. Look after yourself, you are the number one priority, take care

Im so sorry @Helpots hope you are ok and agree, this will be the best decision, even though its incredibly hard. You also take care, you got it!

Sorry to hear this op.

Did he not try to reconcile at all?

Yes many women put up with a lot under the guise of ‘he has depression’ when in reality it doesn’t actually make you act like an arsehole.

However I am pleased you have seen him for what he is and your perspective seems to have somewhat altered on him which will boost you mentally if nothing else

@Quitelikeit quite the opposite of him trying to reconcile, he blocked me completely, my daughter was attacked a few months ago, I asked his friend to let him know, he didn’t even contact me then. He absolutely hates me, he’s spread lies round about me and the irony is, I’ve had a mental breakdown and ended up having ‘to go away’ for a week - I’ve had the worst year of my life because of him and the depression was an excuse/front for his abuse and narcissism. I’m still in mental health support now

do not make excuses for these cretins

I highly recommend reading Runaway Wives and The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist - both books have opened my eyes

How can you tell though if it US actual depression, MIC or they arent 'checking out of the marriage? @Quitelikeit I see so many men like this on this forum, it seems so common!

My husband is so different; cold and grumpy and unaffectionate. He is trying to get through this except book a blinking doctor appointment (which he said he is going to do and working up the courage to do so). We are still having sex. just recently after a few months of nothing due to his head being 'dark') but he isnt as affectionate, he will cuddle me if I cuddle him. He has lost weight, doesnt sleep and says he is just low, sad, out of control and that he feels numb/disconnected on 'us'. There isnt AW as he has had plenty of chances to stay out over and night and always insists on coming home. He said he feels so out of control.

Its awful, but I know this is common on men turning 40. I just miss him and I miss us. In my mind Im preparing for the worst but hoping for the best.

oh and I have said he is free leave anytime, and he got really upset that I would think such a thing as leaving/divorce/seperation has never crossed his mind