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Original poster

Has anyone come back from the brink of divorce?

61 replies

Helpots · 15/05/2023 22:20

Im a family lawyer, and I do have a few clients each year who’ve already started divorce proceedings but reconcile.

separated from H just over 7 weeks ago, he left, I think he’s had a breakdown, had a torrid 8 months throughout which he kept changing his mind about whether or not he wanted to continue with the marriage, but telling me throughout he loved me up to 2 days before he left me.

he now no longer loves me, doesn’t want to be with me, is holed up in his mums spare room, no intention to move out of there, not consulted solicitors beyond some online advice, can’t speak to me without being incredibly insulting and shouting at me

I know the advice will be to move on but I’m not ready to at the moment.

has anyone on here managed to come back from the brink?

OP posts:
Puppylucky · 16/05/2023 15:19

@Helpots Yes he did cut me off for extended periods - even during times when we were supposed to be attempting to reconcile.I am so sorry you are feeling so awful - I have been there and know how painful it is. No one can tell you what the future holds or stop it hurting now but it will get better one way or another. You have suffered a form of bereavement and it will take time to find your feet again but it will happen. In the meantime be kind to yourself. Don't try and cushion your husband's potential fall and remember you can keep the door open to reconciliation without torturing yourself.

Specso · 16/05/2023 15:22

I understand you want to hear positive stories from others to give you hope but for every person who started divorce proceedings and ‘came back from the brink’ there are probably 20 that got divorced. In the meantime it keeps you hanging on to hope as you’ve heard one or two stories of this happening and you’ll waste your precious life waiting.

The very hard thing to accept regarding relationships is that if one person wants out and wants a divorce then you’re getting divorced whether it’s what you want or not. Especially now the no fault divorce has come in..but you know this given your profession.

I hope I don’t come across as harsh, I mean everything I’ve said kindly. You’re entitled to feel how you feel and it takes time to accept things when it’s not what you want. It’s just awful how many threads are on here where women are hanging on to hope and desperately trying to convince someone to love them and to want a relationship with them. You deserve someone who wants to be with you not someone you have to convince or can’t make their mind up from one day to the next. You can’t make someone want to be with you and why would you want to?

As others have said, you don’t have to take action right this minute but I do think you need to accept the situation as it is right now and plan for a divorce even if things end up changing. What is happening right now is the actual reality which needs to be faced rather than what might happen in the future or the hope of him changing his mind.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 17/05/2023 07:18

He's treating you as though your married life together was worthless

I hope you find your anger soon

Why would you want to stay with such a selfish nasty piece of work? You'll be walking on eggshells for the rest of your life

You're a divorce lawyer...do your thing!

Isthisexpected · 17/05/2023 07:46

When you say your la la land fantasy is that he'll realise what he's given up and want to come home I'm afraid it just doesn't work like that, especially as he's depressed and not taking any action. Rather, he'll be seeing you as the cause of his unhappiness and the best way to survive it is to leave you and start afresh.

Jessica3075 · 17/05/2023 08:42

Wait. Be very very sure before you start the process.

My husband and I are divorcing. We’re 12 months on and frankly, I’d do pretty much anything to stop the process. I met up with him yesterday for the first time in that 12 month period and we both sat on a park bench, holding hands and crying.

What a mess.

BlastedPimples · 17/05/2023 10:04

@Jessica3075 I'm sorry to hear of your misery.

But what has led up to this point? Has your h behaved badly or erratically? Adultery? Violence?

Grounded03 · 17/05/2023 10:17

@Helpots, I really feel for you and am in a similar-ish situation in that my DH seems to have had some sort of breakdown and we've been living separately for a few weeks, taking it in turns to be at home with the kids. He told me last week it was over, but now is not sure again, so we are living in some crazy limbo land. I can see he is going through a hellish time and almost needs permission to end the marriage as he feels so much guilt about the kids, our finances, etc. I haven't ended it yet as I still love him and can see what a good man he is but am getting to the point where I can't bear it any more. I have found the books/podcasts by Rosie Green and Helen Thorn really helpful. There is also a strong 'denial' phase that our brains go through when our world is turned upside down, do you think you could be in that ? Can you focus on what you want, and what would make you feel better each day?

Definitelynotme2022 · 17/05/2023 10:53

@Helpots
I really, really feel for you. In the very early stages myself, although he's currently sleep on the sofa. Will probably temporarily turn the dining room into his room as that will be easier for the dc's., particularly for ds who is ND.

My take on it is this: decide what you want. If you want to make it work, then just do nothing. Live your life and ignore him. You can't make him do anything, so do nothing. I think you'll find that once he's not the centre of your world, that will focus his thoughts.

Get some counselling. This is the single most useful I can recommend. Get somone really good!
I'm booking an appointment with a lawyer. I guess you don't actually need this? Or would it help to discuss with someone independent?

You sound a bit like me, in that the indecision and lack of full knowledge prevents you from moving forward and being able to just get on with it. I like to be able to deal with things, and I can't at the moment which is hugely frustrating for me.

Original poster
Helpots · 17/05/2023 12:24

@Jessica3075 can I ask who applied for your divorce? Are you both having second thoughts?

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpots · 17/05/2023 12:26

@Isthisexpected exactly this - he's blamed him mum and his past for his depression, now I am the sole cause

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpots · 17/05/2023 12:28

@MrJollyLivesNextDoor this is exactly how I feel - it feels so surreal, as if I've had 13 years stolen from me. Is it normal/rational to cut off your wife completely?

OP posts:
Jessica3075 · 17/05/2023 12:49

Me. My DH had gone to “divorce” with even the smallest of rows. I know WHY. We all have our insecurities. I felt I had to give him it.

We are both broken. It’s always me who backs down as it were and this time, I felt so emotionally drained, I couldn’t.

Original poster
Helpots · 17/05/2023 12:55

@Jessica3075 is there any hope of reconciliation? Will he consider relationship counselling?

OP posts:
PPSWife · 17/05/2023 13:36

@Helpots Going through something similar. My husband is having a breakdown and wants to separate. He’s been diagnosed with anxiety and depression but he is in denial that there’s anything wrong with him. There is a lot off other stuff going on eg he’s quit his job, stopped talking to his parents and siblings and said he needs new friends, so it’s not just the marriage. I was in shock for a few weeks but I think I’m just learning to accept slowly that there’s nothing I can do if someone wants to throw their whole life away. I’ve started to focus on myself much more and I’m trying to emotionally detach from him. I have my moments still but I feel like I’m better than I was a month or two ago.

Original poster
Helpots · 17/05/2023 13:39

@PPSWife is your H still in the home? This sounds similar to my H before he left. He was talking about cutting off his friends and family etc although he hasn’t done. It’s been nearly 8 weeks now and I’m still unable to accept that it’s over - feel completely exhausted by it all tbh

OP posts:
Highfivemum · 17/05/2023 13:44

It sounds like he is having a break down. Returning to his childhood home etc. I don’t see the signs that he wants a new life without you I see signs he is reverting back to his old life before the stresses and strains of adulthood. If you love him give him space. If he is normally a good man and father don’t just give up on your marriage or give ultimatums. Step back and don’t rush into anything. Good luck.

PPSWife · 17/05/2023 13:47

@Helpots Yes he’s still at home. He’s been to view some flats recently but doesn’t seem to like anything. I’m also not sure how easy it will be for him to rent now he’s quit his job and has nothing lined up. He won’t move in with his parents because he’s very angry with them. Let’s see what happens but in my head I am ready and ok with him moving out.
Do you know what may have triggered your husband’s breakdown?
I spoke to a psychologist about my situation in some detail when I was really struggling a few weeks ago and she thought it was work stress that has brought it on, which makes complete sense to me in terms of the timelines. My husband’s breakdown started last summer when he had some issues at work, got better over winter when his work was going well again and then got really bad at the start of this year when work pressure got really bad.

PeterLemonJello · 17/05/2023 14:54

Hi there op. I think you're doing all the right things. Giving him space and time for him to hopefully get better.

Jessica3075 · 17/05/2023 14:57

@Helpots
I think I need to make a suggestion.

Were so far along with it. And, one of his adult kids won’t be pleased It’s terribly sad.

Original poster
Helpots · 17/05/2023 15:00

@Jessica3075 anything is worth a shot surely, if you're both upset?

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpots · 17/05/2023 15:01

@PeterLemonJello thank you. I have no choice but to give him space, he's basically ghosted me - after 13 years together.

Can I ask, do you speak from experience?

OP posts:
Jessica3075 · 17/05/2023 15:10

I think so. But he’s a proud man. We’ve been together 18 yrs. I’m heartbroken really

JustanothermagicMonday1 · 17/05/2023 15:23

@Helpots - yes, I have witnessed several friends going through similar. Either induced by a massive midlife crisis in the man or severe anxiety/depression/nervous breakdown due to combo of work/undiagnosed ASD/childhood issues etc. I have seen it come from women too.

It is definitely not always adultery. People can convince themselves that their life partner is better off without them when they hit rock bottom.

Irreconcilable differences? Time will tell. Give him space and focus on yourself and your child.

PeterLemonJello · 17/05/2023 16:01

@Helpots. From experience yes, from a make perspective, but she was the one who left.

Trickytimer · 11/09/2023 06:48

Helpots · 17/05/2023 12:28

@MrJollyLivesNextDoor this is exactly how I feel - it feels so surreal, as if I've had 13 years stolen from me. Is it normal/rational to cut off your wife completely?

Just found this thread, I am going through something similar, how are you now please?