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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband wants divorce - he seems so angry

58 replies

Thefirstime · 15/05/2023 17:31

Husband said yesterday that he wants me to fuck off and move out.. he is sick of me and thinks I am ill- he has so much rage and anger.. now he is back tracking.. saying he wants to sort it out and we can make it work but I have caused him a lot of stress - I put a lot on him.. I’m a stay at home mum to one child age 4, I work 2 days and son is in nursery 4 days. I’m studying to work in Tech for better pay and future prospects.

OP posts:
pokabubble · 15/05/2023 17:32

he thinks you're ill so is telling you to fuck off? That's not really what marriage is about. Do you think you might be ill?

Lillyrosemay · 15/05/2023 17:36

In my experience when someone tells you to fuck off, it’s good to follow their advice and do so. Can I ask why you’re choosing to not do so and allowing it to be his decision if you stay or go?

DysonSpheres · 15/05/2023 17:44

Is he perhaps, suffering with depression?

Men often don't talk,bottle it up and then give the depressive behaviours.

In what ways specifically, does he say you are putting a lot on him? Is he spending a lot of time looking after your child whilst you study?

Telling you to fuck off is unacceptable, but in terms of feeling put under pressure, there must be a reason why he says this. That doesn't mean his feelings about whatever it is are right though.

RetiredEarly · 15/05/2023 17:56

You’re nit a SAHM if you’re working two days a week. And you’re studying (part time, full time?)
Im not nitpicking. It’s more than you need to be careful with language. It’s nit as if you have a child who is full time at school and not doing anything at all with your time.

RetiredEarly · 15/05/2023 17:58

Having said that, he sounds awful.
What he said is what he thinks. It’s just that, right now, it’s more convenient for him to be there to cook, clean etc….

Don’t believe him when he us backtracking.
And I’d consider leaving (seeing he wants you to move out etc…) so you can do it in your own terms rather than him kicking you out iyswim

Original poster
Thefirstime · 15/05/2023 18:20

He is tired of covering the finances - he got a career quite soon after we met and I tried lots of different things.. we are quite different!
he has a well paying job (has done for many years) and I have never had that.. but I am on track to..

OP posts:
AmandaHoldensLips · 15/05/2023 18:24

You need to get a job asap and start working towards financial independence. And while you work he can step up and provide childcare. If his career has to take a hit in order for that to happen, then so be it.

LindorDoubleChoc · 15/05/2023 18:29

Why does he think you are ill? Are you ill? Where has the strange comment come from?

YoucancallmeKAREN · 15/05/2023 19:12

He has shown you who he is, listen.

Pinkbonbon · 15/05/2023 20:18

Your raising his child. That is equal contribution.
AND you work too.

He resenrs you and he provably hates women m'dear. Its really that simple.

No decent g man resents the mother of his children working, raising his kid and studying to better your mutual future.

It's abuse plain and simple. You are right, he is angry. Bullies are.

And he is a danger to you btw.
He's beginning to try to force the narrative that you are ill. And if you stay with him, you soon will be.

Get out. Run as fast as you can.

RelaxingClassics · 15/05/2023 20:31

People will tell their partners that they are "ill" because -

  1. They fear they are actually ill because they have been displaying erratic behaviour.
  2. They want them to do something differently to how they are doing it and they won't.
If you are genuinely not ill - then you have to consider that this was an attack designed to hurt and manipulate you into behaving in a way he finds acceptable. In healthy relationships with healthy people, this can be done by having sometimes difficult but usually calm and considered conversations. What you are describing does not sound healthy.

You haven't gone into much detail about what triggered this except that he is fed up with being financially responsible for the household. If you do want to stay with him, you could try writing a list of each of your monetary and time contributions to the household, and a second list of how each of those would be impacted if you were to return to work full time at the moment.

But if this is a regular reaction when the chips are down then I'd consider if it was how i wanted to spend the rest of my days.

Lillyrosemay · 15/05/2023 20:33

RelaxingClassics · 15/05/2023 20:31

People will tell their partners that they are "ill" because -

  1. They fear they are actually ill because they have been displaying erratic behaviour.
  2. They want them to do something differently to how they are doing it and they won't.
If you are genuinely not ill - then you have to consider that this was an attack designed to hurt and manipulate you into behaving in a way he finds acceptable. In healthy relationships with healthy people, this can be done by having sometimes difficult but usually calm and considered conversations. What you are describing does not sound healthy.

You haven't gone into much detail about what triggered this except that he is fed up with being financially responsible for the household. If you do want to stay with him, you could try writing a list of each of your monetary and time contributions to the household, and a second list of how each of those would be impacted if you were to return to work full time at the moment.

But if this is a regular reaction when the chips are down then I'd consider if it was how i wanted to spend the rest of my days.

You missed a third. People tell their partner they are Ill because their behaviour indicates they are.people do get Ill you know. It’s not all a conspiracy

TeenLifeMum · 15/05/2023 20:35

How long until the training pays off? What triggered it?

On the face of it he was outrageously awful but if that’s not normal for him, we all have our limits and I would want to understand what caused this before I’d even consider remaining in the relationship.

RetiredEarly · 15/05/2023 20:43

Lillyrosemay · 15/05/2023 20:33

You missed a third. People tell their partner they are Ill because their behaviour indicates they are.people do get Ill you know. It’s not all a conspiracy

Show quote history

Rarely in the context if telling that person to fuck off though… or in the middle of an argument.

RetiredEarly · 15/05/2023 20:49

So you have a job already so you are contributing. Maybe not as much as he wants but you are.
You are also looking after your together children. If you were working full time, you would need to pay for that - how much is that?

I find MN very quick to tell women they need to be financially independent but never pull men up on the fact their career is blossoming BECAUSE their partner is shouldering all the childcare etc….
And unfortunately, depending on your wage, it’s not always worth it to be working full time and pay childcare….

When are you supposed to finish your training?

RelaxingClassics · 15/05/2023 21:06

Lillyrosemay · 15/05/2023 20:33

You missed a third. People tell their partner they are Ill because their behaviour indicates they are.people do get Ill you know. It’s not all a conspiracy

Show quote history

Read number 1 again.

Original poster
Thefirstime · 15/05/2023 21:09

I pulled him up for undermining me in front of my son.. he keeps doing it and I’m unhappy about it.. pre kids I used to be very passive and not have or use my voice.. I would calm very situation.. but now I have had to find some balls and have been standing up for myself very directly he is struggling to keep - keeps saying how much I’ve changed since we had our son..

i’m putting boundaries in place he can’t deal with..

he holds the financial cards and knows that.. he has abused his power here - knowing fine well I am in the more vulnerable position..

OP posts:
Original poster
Thefirstime · 15/05/2023 21:09

to cope

OP posts:
Original poster
Thefirstime · 15/05/2023 21:10

Also my behaviour is not erratic- I snap sometimes but not erratic more like not putting up with b/sh*t

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ShimmeringShirts · 15/05/2023 21:21

How do you react when there’s a tense situation? I used to be really passive and never defended or spoke up for myself either, one day I found my voice. The issue was I’d never learned how to handle a situation like that so I reacted aggressively, I didn’t recognise it as aggression because in my mind I was the least aggressive person possible, I was simply standing up for myself for a change. It took a long time for me to learn how to react in a more level way.

If you can honestly say that’s not you, the situation is not the same at all, then you need to consider that he might be an abusive twat and you’re better off without him. Good on you for learning how to stand up for yourself.

Turtletotem · 15/05/2023 21:21

He's gaslighting you!
You must be ill if you're standing up and reacting to his bullshit.
Let him 'fuck off and move out'

DustyLee123 · 15/05/2023 21:23

Sounds like he has discovered how much it will cost him, so he’s backtracking.

Original poster
Thefirstime · 15/05/2023 21:27

He said he isn’t moving out the home, I will have to..

not sure how on earth I do that with only our joint money which my (small) salary goes into..!!

I know the council have a line I can call for possible emergency accommodation.. I can’t believe I am in this situation right now and my boy is fast asleep with no idea what’s about to happen..

I do get angry yea, but I’m not shouting but I do raise my voice and make myself heard. I can be bullish in what I say..

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mathanxiety · 15/05/2023 21:28

He's gaslighting you.

He's also trying to sabotage your training, making you feel guilty about your PT work/ training, thus forcing you to think of abandoning it and getting any old job just to bring in money and take the 'burden off him.

Tot up how much child care would cost for your child every year since he was born and how much after school and holiday care would cost the pair of you. This is the amount you have saved the family by keeping your hours low. Does he assume you would be the one picking up the childcare tab?

By providing the vast majority of childcare you have facilitated your H's career - he has been able to put his career ahead of parenting during the years since DC was born because you have put parenting ahead of career.

What exactly does he want to have happen wrt childcare? Put DC in a closed room with a TV and one of those automatic feeders you can buy for your cat?

Keep on pushing back against this man. Don't let him bully you.

I'd be very inclined to see a solicitor and ask about divorce, child custody, child support, and disposition of marital property (house, etc). Your H doesn't sound like a prince among men, frankly.

Original poster
Thefirstime · 15/05/2023 21:28

@DustyLee123 he would make absolutely sure that I get next to nothing as he thinks I’ve had enough already.. he’s probably hiding or squirrelling money around now..

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