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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband wants divorce - he seems so angry

58 replies

Thefirstime · 15/05/2023 17:31

Husband said yesterday that he wants me to fuck off and move out.. he is sick of me and thinks I am ill- he has so much rage and anger.. now he is back tracking.. saying he wants to sort it out and we can make it work but I have caused him a lot of stress - I put a lot on him.. I’m a stay at home mum to one child age 4, I work 2 days and son is in nursery 4 days. I’m studying to work in Tech for better pay and future prospects.

OP posts:

FamilyCourt · 16/05/2023 13:59

Catastrophejane · 16/05/2023 09:50

It’s a common myth that people can have money ‘squirrelled away’. It’s actually very difficult to hide cash, unless he’s got millions.

surely You have an idea of how much he might have in savings? ( work out how much he might be saving each month/ any inheritance etc?)

For example, if he’s PAYE, then he can’t hide his wage.

You could end up with the house so don’t move out.

Show quote history

You so don't know what you are talking about

CovertImage · 16/05/2023 14:56

Mari9999 · 16/05/2023 05:10

OP, he may feel that you have exhausted your career exploration time. I imagine that it can be very stressful to think that your family's entire financial stability is totally dependent upon you. He does noe have the option of taking time off to explore other career options. He has to be the grown up and cover all of the family's financial needs.

In spite of what people have said on this thread, you are not taking care of his child nor saving him money. You are taking care of your child (as in the child belongs to both of you) and I assume that he is paying for most or even all of the nursery cost.

It may be unpleasant and even seen unfair, but he may have lost patience with waiting for you to become a significant financial contributor to your family's life style. Fair or not, he might want a spouse who works full time and brings in an income comparable to his.

You could leave. him or he could leave you, but in either case , you will probably need to work full-time sooner rather than later. You may not have the luxury of trying an IT training program if you choose to become a single parent.

Jesus christ, you're defending this prick of a man. What ARE you?!

Mari9999 · 16/05/2023 15:26

@CovertImage

I am not defending the man. I am merely pointing out that his perspective and expectations may not be totally unreasonable. People who fail to consider both sides of a situation rarely come out on top.

His delivery of his frustration may be unacceptable, but the reasons behind his frustration may be perfectly valid and justifiable. It is reasonable that the OP may not like the method and language that he uses to express his frustration, but that does not invalidate the underlying issues that he feels are going unaddressed.

Not many people would be overly enthused about a relationship where your very adult partner spends years trying to find a career or simply a full time job that pays an adequate living wage. Many families simply cannot afford to have a parent " trying unsuccessfully to find their niche " over a period of multiple years while all the time expenses are increasing and the responsibility for the expenses cannot be meet by token contributions from one partner. The other partner must always be plagued with the concern as to what would happen to his family should he become ill or disabled. Would his child be supported in an adequate manner? Would all of the hopes and dreams that he had for his child go unfulfilled because the other parent is ill prepared to provide the same level of support?

I think that a reasonable and caring parent would certainly give thought to these issues. How many years and how many attempts should one person need to become an adequate provider?

mathanxiety · 16/05/2023 17:16

Are you able to get cash back from grocery purchases?

Get a tenner or two each time you shop.

Start your own current account.

You can get a free half hour with some solicitors. Find one in your area. They will be able to tell you broadly what your rights are and what your H's are wrt child support, the house, and custody/ visitation after divorce.

IntoDeepBlueSea · 18/05/2023 03:46

@Thefirstime - not sure if you'll see this, but just checking that you're ok.

It's OK if you haven't followed all our advice, it's easy to hand out out online! Whatever you have decided/ discovered, I hope you're in good shape.

GeekyGirl42 · 18/05/2023 12:15

Family solicitors will give you a free initial consultation. I’d suggest seeing a couple of them. They’ll be really familiar with this situation. Nothing will happen right away, but it will feel really good to take back some control. Ultimately. I filed for divorce under similar circumstances.

To get divorced, both have to fill out Form E (discloses full financial position) and it will be hard for him to argue that you shouldn’t split everything 50:50. I bet once he realises that, he’ll stop saying he wants one. I think this is why it’s often women who initiate divorce, even when it’s not their decision (initially at least) to end the marriage. Is also a reason for considering filing sooner rather than later - if they stall on this, sometimes it’s because they are hiding money.

A career in tech is a great choice btw. I was a housewife training in tech when he left. 7 years later and I earn more than he does.

BlastedPimples · 18/05/2023 13:57

@GeekyGirl42 please tell me how you retrained in tech?

Are you super bright and already had a tech background?

GeekyGirl42 · 20/05/2023 14:52

I do have a strongish academic record. Degree in engineering fron Imperial College. Struggling with mental health, I only got a 2:2.

I had been teaching myself HTML, CSS and JavaScript when my daughter was little - kind of a side hustle. At the time the only way to do that was to buy O’Reilly textbooks and work through them. I started helping friends and family with websites. WordPress being so popular, I ended up learning PHP too (horrible language). So when my husband left, I got a job at a small web agency and hated it!! After a couple of those, I met a recruiter who said that I should try getting into a software company.

He helped me do that and I got a role as a junior developer. By this time I had picked up React - this is a very good front-end JavaScript framework to know because salaries are high (my first role didn’t match that though!!)

Up until this point, I hadn’t earned more than £30k/year. After 2 years as a junior engineer, another recruiter contacted me claiming they could double my salary. I ended up working for a publishing company as a senior developer, and within 3 months they promoted me to Team Lead.

I know do this for a financial services company and I reached just over 6 figures late last year.

It’s been a very tough process and a lot of very hard work, especially difficult in the first few years when I wasn’t earning much and my daughter needed wrap around care.

If you have enough money to pay for something like a makers course, this is a faster route into software development.

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