Husband wants divorce - he seems so angry

[Thefirstime]

Husband said yesterday that he wants me to fuck off and move out.. he is sick of me and thinks I am ill- he has so much rage and anger.. now he is back tracking.. saying he wants to sort it out and we can make it work but I have caused him a lot of stress - I put a lot on him.. I’m a stay at home mum to one child age 4, I work 2 days and son is in nursery 4 days. I’m studying to work in Tech for better pay and future prospects.

We always argue around the time of birthday, this week.. he literally makes me upset every time..

also im trying to get on track and take stock, retrain in something more lucrative that will eventually benefit us but sounds like he doesn’t want to wait..

anytime I feel good (I’ve just started weight training) to get and feel strong I am put right back down, we argue…

I suspected.

You may be dealing with a narcissist (npd) or similar. It may seem like a buzz word but there really are a lot of these shitty people around and thry like to ruin holidays (if you YouTube search 'narcissist ruins your birthday' if sure it'll give you an idea of the sort of thing they do).

They are so selfish that they hate events that aren't all about them.

That and considering he seems to create arguments and delight in dragging down your self esteem...may be worth considering- why on earth would someone like that be worth staying with?

Don't raise your child seeing seeing his mother treated like shit. You sound sound like a really strong, smart individual and you deserve better than people like him.

You deserve to love you.
And your kid deserves a happy mum, free from abuse.

He’s just a garden variety abusive man. I had a front row ticket to this particular show throughout my childhood.

He is kicking off…

a. Because it’s your birthday
b. Because you’ve started training and your confidence is growing
c. Because you challenged his behaviour
d. Because you are working towards financial independence

Whatever you do, don’t let him sabotage your education and career.

He's an abuser. Start planning your exit.

He's sucking all of the oxygen out of your life, and it's deliberate. It's also all completely deniable. But the pattern is clear.

You need to make plans to leave, and forge ahead with your own life and career.

Go and see a solicitor.

OP, he may feel that you have exhausted your career exploration time. I imagine that it can be very stressful to think that your family's entire financial stability is totally dependent upon you. He does noe have the option of taking time off to explore other career options. He has to be the grown up and cover all of the family's financial needs.

In spite of what people have said on this thread, you are not taking care of his child nor saving him money. You are taking care of your child (as in the child belongs to both of you) and I assume that he is paying for most or even all of the nursery cost.

It may be unpleasant and even seen unfair, but he may have lost patience with waiting for you to become a significant financial contributor to your family's life style. Fair or not, he might want a spouse who works full time and brings in an income comparable to his.

You could leave. him or he could leave you, but in either case , you will probably need to work full-time sooner rather than later. You may not have the luxury of trying an IT training program if you choose to become a single parent.

He is telling you who he is. Believe him.

His backtracking will be because he has just got some legal advice and found out how expensive a split is going to be, and quit what that will mean for his own comfort level. However his rage and resentment is still there and I don't think it's likely to be in your child's best interests to patch up this shaky edifice when the root unhappiness is still there.

Get legal advice. He should be moving out not you. Good luck.

Is money tight?

If so, you should be working 4 days while your son is in nursery and studying around that, IMO.

You could work more to appease him, but it still will not make the relationship work, because there is a fundamental lack of respect for you, your efforts and your role as a mother.

I would not now date, let alone marry, any guy who wouldn't allow me to stay home raising my children if we had them and I wanted to, or would expect me to manage children and work equally. Women's contribution to raising children should be respected. I see no reason for a woman to put in same hours at work whilst doing majority child nurturing, unless she wants and chooses that. Done with that (although too old for it to be a real issue unless very lucky now, the gift of age and knowing what you want).

A career in I.T can give you higher pay whilst giving flexibility in terms of working from home etc and I think it's reasonable for you to want that.

So you can stretch yourself out jumping through hoops to please this man, and work yourself till tired and miserable for lesser pay, but I see this relationship as lacking a fundamental foundation of respect and you'll doubtless discover, if you did take a full time job, the goalpost of 'ways you are not matching up' would just move again....and again...

In terms of you standing up for yourself, it's hard to tell online what this really looks like and whether he is ever justified in his complaints or you are just reacting reasonably to bullying or emotional abuse. But overall I would say he leading towards deep disdain and disrespect of you and it's not going to get better.

I feel sorry for the child though and I would make it clear that you will not tolerate swearing or other derogatory language being directed at you again. Ever. If he persists in speaking to you like shite, immediately stop whatever you're doing and walk out. Regardless of what time it is. It works.

Those of you saying she needs to work more, have you missed the way he behaves, and esp around her birthday.

Not everyone has a life path that runs smoothly, especially if they've got used to taking up less space for a bullying partner.

You mentioned the weight training, that is FAR more important than you realise.

1 - you've got a rhythm to your life
2 - you've started weight training, which makes you feel confident, strong, and less inclined to be submissive
3 - you've finally found a course that looks like bearing fruit.

You've also had a child.

60% of domestic abuse begins during pregnancy or thereafter.

I agree that you've inadvertently walked into the web of a particularly unpleasant man, and need to keep your cool. Now he's let his cover slip, he'll be angry much more often, and it usually gets incrementally more abusive, whether louder, scarier, physical.

Get a plan, find all those ducks, but ffs don't start listening to anyone about giving up your course (or your weightlifting).

He's right, you have changed since the baby arrived. You've found your purpose, and the scales are falling from your eyes.

Be careful, keep posting wherever is best, and let several people know. Close friends, GP, parents. Anyone who can support you, and witness the timeline of his behaviour if it escalates.

Oh, and make sure you don't have mn anywhere easy to access.

I know I sound paranoid, it's just based on facts, statistics, and personal experience. My partner first "put me in my place" after about 8 weeks. He first got angry after 18 months. He first got me after 3 years. I very nearly didn't get out at 4 years. By then I had no idea who I was or what was wrong. It's stealthy, and very difficult to believe it won't get better if you just try hard enough (and do everything he says).
The GP, psychologist, and eventually psychiatrist all said it was textbook.

I truly hope that the combination of him showing his hand, and you starting to feel more confident, will mean you can bypass the months of problems most women go on to experience after this stage.

We're here if you need further advice or support.

How much longer will your training take? Will you be able to be financially away from this dhead soon?

My first thought was don’t leave the home (unless it isn’t safe) he wants to divorce and he has the salary he can leave!

Next time he’s not home go searching for as much financial documents as you can safely find take photos and keep them somewhere safe. As a great MN saying goes time to get your ducks in a row

@Thefirstime please find a way to put @IntoDeepBlueSea‘s message on repeat. It says everything beautifully.

My question is what do I now do practically? Speak to a family solicitor? The only money I have is our joint bank so he will see what I am spending on.. makes things more awkward.. I am looking at free advice lines - not many around..

If he’s told you to fuck off and get out of the house, then make the call to the emergency number and get it sorted. There’s absolutely no point contemplating anything else. He’s made his feelings and wishes clear.

Im not being unfeeling, but to do anything else isn’t going to help you.

no point trying to work it out or get a better job etc, get it done, get some counselling, get as much support as you can from women’s aid and other agencies and get on with living your own life. It’s unpleasant for sure, it is I’ll be hard, but you will end up a lot better off.

I just don’t want to jump the gun too much right now as I still need to think about my son.. I don’t want to feel too unsettled right now.. he’s still so young.. I do wish to move on yes but I don’t know best way right this moment

First thing I'd do is get your own bank account, if you don't already have one, and get your wages directed into there instead.

Is there enough in your joint account for a deposit for a rental?

Apply for UC as a single person.

Is your current house owned or rented?

It's not that he doesn't want to wait. He doesn't want you to be financially independent of him and have choices.
He's abusing you. You know it. You've described it.

It’s a common myth that people can have money ‘squirrelled away’. It’s actually very difficult to hide cash, unless he’s got millions.

surely You have an idea of how much he might have in savings? ( work out how much he might be saving each month/ any inheritance etc?)

For example, if he’s PAYE, then he can’t hide his wage.

You could end up with the house so don’t move out.

You can get forensic accountants to examine where money has gone.

Good luck, I did a tech bootcamp last year but dh died of cancer diagnosed in my last week, so I haven’t got a job out of it but loads of the others have got jobs out of it. It was a front end course.

Clearly you are in a very controlling abusive relationship.

Speak to Women's aid for advice and support.

This is a bad man.

Things will only get worse.

Definitely do not get pregnant.

His abuse of you is escalating, so tell Women's aid, your GP of this.

Tell family and friends the truth.

Don't cover for him.

thanks @Dery - @Thefirstime - please don’t worry about how old your son is. The reality is that the younger he is, the easier it will be in most ways.
1 - he will not ever remember you all living together
2 - he will not remember seeing your husband treating you badly
3 - you have a stronger case for staying put in the family home, and
4 - keeping your studying/“sahm” situation going
5 - literally more portable.

You're married and presumably primary carer to your child

You're not going anywhere

OP, it always seems to me that this stay until you are in a better financial position smacks of a " use him until you no longer need him " approach. Often time that seems no better than the behavior about which the poster is complaining. It snacks of duplicity and a willingness to use your partner for financial benefit.

You need a real and substantial job to provide for your son. Your partner could reasonably say to the court" I want the house and primary custody of my child. I am already paying for nursery school , and I have the resources to extend that care from 4 to 5 days. I also have the ability to pay the mortgage (as I am already doing so). Allowing me to keep the house will provide continuity for the child.My wife can then be free to I
continue her ongoing training program, but I would ask the court to consider that this is just one of several options that she has explored over the duration of our relationship. "

That summary might sound harsh, but it is a summary that his legal advisor could easily present to the court.

If you only purchased your home 4 years ago, you are not likely to have amassed a great deal of equity in the home. If he has a solid work history, you may get some of his pension, but ultimately, you will need to become self supporting in a short period of time.

You may be less than sympathetic to your husband's feelings, but it might help to look at this situation from not only your feelings but from this perspective as well. In what circumstances would your family be in if his employment history were to have been the same as yours? What would have happened had he wanted to work only 2 days a week? Would he have had the option of trying different things in an effort to support family?

I do not agree with his manner of speaking to you, but I can see things from his perspective. I can understand that your feelings are hurt, but I can see that should he have become ill or simply wanted a change, you would not have been in a position to provide for the family in the manner that he has been doing. Knowing this, may have created frustration for him.