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Original poster

Do commitment phobes exist or are they "just not into you"

55 replies

Livelifelaughter · 15/05/2023 12:21

So, discussing our relationship with an ex. He said he thinks he is just a commitment phobe. He could go on numerous long weekends with me but not a week holiday. Spend 2 nights a week but not 3...meet all of my friends, introduce me . He was married for many years so obviously could make a commitment at that point but he says that was because he had other relationships outside the marriage.
Do you think commitment phobes really exist or is it a case of just not being into someone...?

OP posts:
EmmaEmerald · 15/05/2023 12:23

I dislike the term commitment phobe
i just don't want to commit

yes, I think we exist and it's not a reflection on the person, who we might love and miss in fact.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 15/05/2023 12:28

EmmaEmerald · 15/05/2023 12:23

I dislike the term commitment phobe
i just don't want to commit

yes, I think we exist and it's not a reflection on the person, who we might love and miss in fact.

Can I ask if that's something that stays constant in your relationships ?

OP posts:
MrsDoylesDoily · 15/05/2023 12:34

I dislike the term commitment-phobe too.

Some people are very happy to go through life and not commit to a relationship but it doesn't mean they have a phobia.

Also, I've known people like that but then they've met that one special person, fallen head over heels and were more than happy to commit.

EmmaEmerald · 15/05/2023 12:50

Livelifelaughter · 15/05/2023 12:28

Can I ask if that's something that stays constant in your relationships ?

Show quote history

I haven't had many
but the ones I had ended because it was as far as I'd go - no marriage, no living together

My last one was at about age 38, I sort of keep in touch but he's married now so it doesn't seem quite cricket to keep in touch

we saw each other a couple of times after his marriage because of my father dying, so at the funeral and one sort of "support" visit where he he brought food

I'm now 47 and in the last year met a couple of guys I clicked quite well but it seems a bit pointless, they are younger and should be free to go and get the commitment they want.

I'm like the Gin Blossoms song "if you don't expect too much from me, you might not be let down".

but these days I just don't do anything, it all seems very boring and stressful and life seems so hard and relationships make it harder.

I saw one of my exes last week and we just hugged hello (rushing through a station) and I almost wanted to say "I kind of still love you" but I didn't. It doesn't matter anyway, I would just be saying words that might make him have a cheery day, or might make him feel sad, so I kept my trap shut.

GentlemanJay · 15/05/2023 12:50

He just wants something casual. Maybe a FWB. That's how it sounds to me.

EmmaEmerald · 15/05/2023 12:53

PS I am a rock solid friend but so many people vanished, don't value friendship etc. I can commit to friendship in that I'll confidently say, I'll always do my best help out, I'll always do my best to look after you.

society seems very focused on romantic relationships though.

EmmaEmerald · 15/05/2023 12:54

OP "He could go on numerous long weekends with me but not a week holiday. Spend 2 nights a week but not 3"

sounds like he needs his own space too.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 15/05/2023 12:54

MrsDoylesDoily · 15/05/2023 12:34

I dislike the term commitment-phobe too.

Some people are very happy to go through life and not commit to a relationship but it doesn't mean they have a phobia.

Also, I've known people like that but then they've met that one special person, fallen head over heels and were more than happy to commit.

To be fair it's the expression my ex used.

I think there's a difference between someone who has made a choice that they don't want a certain level of commitment. That's a choice not a phobia.

I think my ex is saying he literally feels a panic and overwhelming feeling that "he can't do this" when things became longer and more serious and that has happened in a number of relationships. My question is, have others experienced this or is it a question that the feelings for the other person aren't there ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 15/05/2023 13:08

GentlemanJay · 15/05/2023 12:50

He just wants something casual. Maybe a FWB. That's how it sounds to me.

I am learning that "casual" means different things to different people. He would describe our relationship as "serious" very open with each other, connection...not sure if he would admit that he really wanted something casual or FWB even if he did..

OP posts:
Speedweed · 15/05/2023 13:19

I don't think it makes sense. I think someone says it when they are just not that into the person. The intense focus on romantic love means that many people have a series of perfectly ok relationships, and in that case individuals get the idea about themselves that they are commitment phobic, when really they just haven't met anyone they've particularly clicked with.
Also, modern dating isn't really 'dating', because it seems to be have sex really quickly then try and build a relationship around the person you're having sex with (rather than the rel first, and then the sex), with the effect that it's frightening to have someone expect a lifetime commitment shortly after you've just had sex.
I just don't believe that anyone would meet the love of their life, start bleating about commitment phobia and walk away, unless they are a fool.

nodneat · 15/05/2023 13:25

@Livelifelaughter I get the I can't do this when feelings are there... comes from past trauma, I'm aware. I want to be in a omitted relationship but feel I can't do it

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 15/05/2023 13:41

nodneat · 15/05/2023 13:25

@Livelifelaughter I get the I can't do this when feelings are there... comes from past trauma, I'm aware. I want to be in a omitted relationship but feel I can't do it

Thank you... that's what he has said.
The book "He's just not into you" really doesn't give men a chance...

OP posts:
LizzyLovesTea · 15/05/2023 13:48

It sounds like the theory of people who are avoidantly attached (as described in attachment theory.) According to that theory such people might really enjoy the relationship and value their partner but feel a kind of anxiety and desire to push them away if things feel ‘too’ close or committed. But might feel incredibly sad after the relationship ends. Attachment styles can change over time and are influenced by experiences you have.

LizzyLovesTea · 15/05/2023 13:50

I think from my experience that this pushing away tactic can happen when feelings are there - it’s not really/always related to just not caring that much about someone. It’s sad and frustrating!

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 15/05/2023 14:18

LizzyLovesTea · 15/05/2023 13:48

It sounds like the theory of people who are avoidantly attached (as described in attachment theory.) According to that theory such people might really enjoy the relationship and value their partner but feel a kind of anxiety and desire to push them away if things feel ‘too’ close or committed. But might feel incredibly sad after the relationship ends. Attachment styles can change over time and are influenced by experiences you have.

Thank you...I agree. Actually my ex took the test and is avoidantly attached. It feels terribly sad and it's obvious when I have seen him that he feels crushed and terrible about it all.

OP posts:
hppo · 15/05/2023 14:24

He was married for many years so obviously could make a commitment at that point but he says that was because he had other relationships outside the marriage.

So was he married but regularly cheating or was it an open marriage? Presume you don't just mean he had other friendships etc as I presume he could be committed to you and still have that same type of friendship?

NCMum79 · 15/05/2023 14:30

yeah definitely some are averse to commitment. I went out with someone for several months, he was in his mid 40s, charming and attractive - no reason he couldn't have found someone to commit to. Longest relationship he'd ever had was a year, never lived with anyone, never wanted to. If we spent a long weekend together he'd go flakey the week after. If he didn't see me for that week he'd be all over me. It was exhausting so i ended it, but I really don't think it was personal to me....it was just the way he was and history bore it out

NCMum79 · 15/05/2023 14:33

Another way of spotting it was...a lot of his past GFs lived long distance. Interestingly he and I lived a few miles apart and after a few months he started talking about moving further away 😂

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 15/05/2023 14:50

hppo · 15/05/2023 14:24

He was married for many years so obviously could make a commitment at that point but he says that was because he had other relationships outside the marriage.

So was he married but regularly cheating or was it an open marriage? Presume you don't just mean he had other friendships etc as I presume he could be committed to you and still have that same type of friendship?

Oh just to be clear. I started dating him after he had been separated from his wife for a few years. He didn't have an open relationship but had affairs. He has a handful of very longstanding and really nice friends.

OP posts:
hppo · 15/05/2023 14:54

Oh just to be clear. I started dating him after he had been separated from his wife for a few years. He didn't have an open relationship but had affairs. He has a handful of very longstanding and really nice friends

So I presume he could spend more than 2 nights in a row with his exW. In that case it sounds like he's just not been into any one he met subsequently

EmmaEmerald · 15/05/2023 15:11

OP marriage clearly wasn't what he wanted so you need to think how you want to move forward.

Speedwell "I just don't believe that anyone would meet the love of their life, start bleating about commitment phobia and walk away, unless they are a fool."

I feel there's an assumption in there that love = happiness though. I could say you're a fool if you commit, would you go to the casino and put half your assets on the roulette wheel because "I love him"? But I don't say that, it's the choice of individuals.

I'm interested to hear about these tests? It seems there may be more suitable blokes around now than I have met in the past?

there was a thread the other day with someone feeling relationships are pointless if they are added in to the rest of your life.

l was heartened to see the responses, perhaps people are moving away from being as full on as I have found them.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 15/05/2023 15:25

EmmaEmerald · 15/05/2023 15:11

OP marriage clearly wasn't what he wanted so you need to think how you want to move forward.

Speedwell "I just don't believe that anyone would meet the love of their life, start bleating about commitment phobia and walk away, unless they are a fool."

I feel there's an assumption in there that love = happiness though. I could say you're a fool if you commit, would you go to the casino and put half your assets on the roulette wheel because "I love him"? But I don't say that, it's the choice of individuals.

I'm interested to hear about these tests? It seems there may be more suitable blokes around now than I have met in the past?

there was a thread the other day with someone feeling relationships are pointless if they are added in to the rest of your life.

l was heartened to see the responses, perhaps people are moving away from being as full on as I have found them.

Ah to be fair I am divorced and am in my 50s so marriage wasn't what I was after nor living together.
As some one above has posted these commitment issues aren't about wanting to get married they are about being in a serious committed relationship which for me doesn't equate necessarily with marriage or living together - if I was 30 years old or wanted children my view might well be different.

OP posts:
Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 15/05/2023 15:27

EmmaEmerald · 15/05/2023 15:11

OP marriage clearly wasn't what he wanted so you need to think how you want to move forward.

Speedwell "I just don't believe that anyone would meet the love of their life, start bleating about commitment phobia and walk away, unless they are a fool."

I feel there's an assumption in there that love = happiness though. I could say you're a fool if you commit, would you go to the casino and put half your assets on the roulette wheel because "I love him"? But I don't say that, it's the choice of individuals.

I'm interested to hear about these tests? It seems there may be more suitable blokes around now than I have met in the past?

there was a thread the other day with someone feeling relationships are pointless if they are added in to the rest of your life.

l was heartened to see the responses, perhaps people are moving away from being as full on as I have found them.

If you Google "attachment theory" you'll be able to find the tests. I would send the link if I had better IT skills...

OP posts:
EmmaEmerald · 15/05/2023 15:54

OP what would you like in the way of commitment?
I must admit, the last time I did a 22 hour wait in A&E with mum, I thought it would be nice to have someone I could call for help, I was dropping with exhaustion.

But the reality is that people have those needs too. It could be that he wants to protect boundaries so he's got fewer obligations.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 15/05/2023 16:07

EmmaEmerald · 15/05/2023 15:54

OP what would you like in the way of commitment?
I must admit, the last time I did a 22 hour wait in A&E with mum, I thought it would be nice to have someone I could call for help, I was dropping with exhaustion.

But the reality is that people have those needs too. It could be that he wants to protect boundaries so he's got fewer obligations.

Well here's the thing, I was happy to see each other a few evenings a week and at the weekend but making time to keep interests and friends and then in a couple of years move in...
For someone with self confessed commitment issues it wasn't what I wanted, I never pushed...it was more that as the relationship got more emotionally connected he panicked.

OP posts: