Do commitment phobes exist or are they "just not into you"

[Livelifelaughter]

So, discussing our relationship with an ex. He said he thinks he is just a commitment phobe. He could go on numerous long weekends with me but not a week holiday. Spend 2 nights a week but not 3...meet all of my friends, introduce me . He was married for many years so obviously could make a commitment at that point but he says that was because he had other relationships outside the marriage.
Do you think commitment phobes really exist or is it a case of just not being into someone...?

I'm 48 and the relationship I'm in now is the first one I've really felt able to commit to. And I've been married!

I always thought, "But what if there is someone better around the corner?"; "What if I meet someone more suited to me?"

And that's because there always was someone better for me. It just took me a very long time to meet him.

I knew I had settled when I married - there were any reasons for it. But, prior to and since that, I have always neem worried about 'settling'.

He may have just been more cautious after having a 'permanent' relationship that failed.

Whenever men have told me they were ready to commit to anyone, it wasn't long before they were in a relationship, so I would think he doesn't want to commit to you. Not that you're missing a catch if he had other relationships outside his marriage, with this sort they'll commit for a bit but get bored and look for the next new thing, another reason they won't is if they are already involved with someone else that you aren't aware of.

I think he probably doesn’t want to go down the line of getting married again. Maybe he’s taking a been there done that attitude.
I can see how people would maybe not want to commit after the breakdown of a marriage. Being with someone like that can be tough if you want more which you naturally may as feelings grow deeper.
Maybe he didn’t see a solid future with you and that’s why he said it? I don’t really think commitment phobes exist, just people who want freedom and love lives with no expectation from them

I know a few of people who described themselves as 'commitment phones', who eventually married. Not a statistically sound sample i admit, but reasons were generally a combination of not having met the right person; not being ready to 'settle down' - maturity; other things they wanted to do; difficult family experiences that made them scared of commitment (parents divorcing after long marriages).

I don't equate commitment to marriage.

A commitment phobe or someone with attachment issues finds it difficult to be an emotionally committed relationship and panics.

The intense focus on romantic love means that many people have a series of perfectly ok relationships, and in that case individuals get the idea about themselves that they are commitment phobic, when really they just haven't met anyone they've particularly clicked with

Any possibility we could believe adults who tell us what they want instead of being patronising and assuming they don’t actually know their own minds and just haven’t met the right one yet?

sammy no, sadly that seems rare

OP, you've mentioned "emotionally committed relationship" - also wondering what that means.

A pp mentioned "perfectly okay relationship" and I wonder what that means too. Relationships involve time and sacrifice - there has to be more than "okay" on the table surely?

For me an emotionally committed relationship is one where you share intimacies about your life, feelings, wants and needs. You are there for each other in difficult times. You support and care for each other.

According to OED, phobia = "an extreme or irrational fear of or aversion to something"

I'm very cautious of committing because I know, based on my own experiences and of those I see around me, long term committed relationships can mean more compromising than I am prepared to make in living my own life. Therefore my reluctance to commit for a long time was not in any way a "phobia", it was a very rational decision.

I am actually in a committed long term relationship now btw.

Right...but those things can all happen even if he doesn't want to go on a week's holiday etc?

bit of a sad story but some friends of my parents decided to live apart when their marriage was under strain. They still appear to the world as married.

now she's become very ill. He is there every day, supervising her care. I know from local gossip that people wondered why they didn't divorce. I think the love is very much there. Sometimes a good relationship looks different than societal norms, I guess.

I think there is a bit of a spectrum - sort of like attachment styles. Some people just appear to want/need to be in a relationship and don't seem to mind who it's with once a few basic criteria are met (sex of partner, etc.). Others seem to really struggle not to run away when things get more serious.

But I think it (commitment-phobia) is often used as an excuse in situations where someone isn't really all that keen on the person they're dating, and it can be hard to make the distinction.

This is a really interesting thread. :)

I don't class myself as a commitment phobe, but actually when I get to the emotionally committed part of a relationship or start heading that way, I turn into a bloody nutter, I over analyse everything, I overthink, it becomes all consuming and is just not healthy. I've been married (and now divorced). I've tried a couple of times on emotionally committing and actually I just don't like it. I'm much calmer and easy going without it all going on in my headspace.
Ive had counselling for lots of other stuff and I can pick up on why.

Now I've gotten involved in a couple of poly type events and have one or two regular-ish people who I can have fun with if the need strikes, but they have wives/partners (all open and very friendly!) who can do all the emotional stuff with them.

Im much happier single, so that's what I'm staying.

Im not sure that answers your question. I agree with the previous poster that I think there's a spectrum, some won't commit as they're not into you, some will panic at the thought of commitment and it's true, some will likely fall between.

Thank you for sharing and for your insight. Very interesting and although I am no expert, I think your 3 types sounds very plausible.

I definitely am one, but have a very good reason for that.

It's extremely selfish to date and string people along if you know you have a commitment phobia.

it's obvious when I have seen him that he feels crushed and terrible about it all.

Sounds like he a pattern of this though and doesn't seem too worried about hurting people, this has happened in numerous relationships, he also cheated and had numerous affair partners.

So maybe he is a commitment phobe, but he's also other things like self-centered and selfish.....it's very easy to hide behind a label but there are other things at play too. He sounds very comfortable with hurting people.

You're right those things can happen, but it's also not unreasonable to want to plan to share a holiday with someone after 7 months, he felt that too but it became a mental block. At the same time he felt able to plan a holiday with a friend because there were no romantic ties.

Emma emerald...same thing happened with my parents. In their 60s they were literally throwing things at each other. In their 80s my father gave up his life to look after my mother for the next 10 years even when she had dementia. The deeper love was there.

Does it really matter whether he's a commitment-phobe or just not that into you? Either way he's not giving you what you want so I'd be ditching him.

He's also a serial cheater so I wouldn't be feeling too bad about the poor upset man who is devastated and torn up by the situation with you

Also, modern dating isn't really 'dating', because it seems to be have sex really quickly then try and build a relationship around the person you're having sex with (rather than the rel first, and then the sex)

so true !

I called myself a commitment-phobe in my 20s but I'm not sure I like the phrase now.

What I meant was that settling down in a conventional relationship held no appeal for me; and the freedom and independence I had outside a relationship was something I didn't want to curtail. I also couldn't stand neediness, possessiveness and jealousy - a lot of people really seem to need a performance of commitment to feel secure in a relationship. I didn't need that and I didn't want to provide it.

I also had very high standards - if a man didn't actively enhance my life I'd get tired of him very quickly. I liked casual sex and found it easy to move on.

There was definitely an element of being extremely guarded about letting people in and being vulnerable. Obvious roots in my childhood there. I've never felt the need to change that though, I'm happy with how I am.

So I was long-term single and my casual relationships never lasted long, so I guess that's why I was labelled a commitment-phobe.

When I met DP, I basically found someone on my wavelength about all the above things. He didn't require anything more than I could give. He probably doesn't perform romance to the standards a lot of MNers expect, but I perform it even less well and neither of us especially want it.

I spent the first eight months of the relationship enjoying it, but ready to walk away the minute it wasn't working for me. And I could've done that without a backwards glance. Eleven years on it hasn't stopped working for me at any point so I'm still here. That's all a relationship is really. Are you compatible and is it working for you? I don't know if those things are forever, but they're more long-term than I imagined they could be.

I’m wary of commitment but in a different way.

I have a partner I live with, but I would not want to do anything that tied me to him in a way I couldn’t easily undo.

We live in my house, I would not want to own a house together. I would not want to get married, have a child or even have a joint bank account. We do a lot of stuff separately as he’s a home bird and I like to go out a lot.

I want my stuff to be for me and my kids, I don’t want to have to sell the house if we split and if I don’t want the relationship anymore I want to be able to exit it quickly and cleanly.

we could buy a bigger/better house if we went in together but then it would be necessary to commit more. We’ve been together 9 years and I do love him a lot.

my friend who’s another single mum is buying a house with a guy she met a year ago, it gives me anxiety!

He is an ex...
The post isn't really about my particular situation but about whether the concept exists or whether it's just an excuse to exit a relationship.
I feel it just all got too much for him, his flight syndrome kicked in and he left...

I think this is different, because it doesn't sound about emotional commitment more financial. I am the same as you, I don't like joint finances at my age.

I think they do exist yes.

I have an ex from about 10 years ago, it ended because he wouldn’t commit. He was a nice guy, nothing bad happened between us, he was/still is very much into his work, his career is ongoing (research/science) and he got very stressed and very immersed in it that relationships always came second. (e.g. when he had a deadline I easily wouldn’t hear from him for a week) He was honest about it and we remained friends after. I did assume he just wasn’t into me though and that for the right person he would change and commit.

Fast forward 10 years, I’m married with a wonderful DH and DC. He’s still single and didn’t have any long term relationship in all those years.

Thank you... that's interesting and it resonates. I found my ex couldn't handle conflict at all, if we disagreed about something he would start to question the whole relationship.

Not everyone values the concept of marriage, or would live together. I need my own space, I’d never go a week away with someone it would be just too much.

I couldn’t even live with someone unless the house was huge and we had our own wings. This applies to family and friends too. Some people just aren’t as social and open to constant full on social contact. Unless someone is saying there’s a problem and unless your expectations and needs and his are entirely different, just accept what is or move on. It would be very unfair on you to try and accept something that made you unhappy, and the same goes other way around