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Original poster

Thoughts on providing deposit for autistic grandchild

72 replies

Member346563 · 15/05/2023 11:48

Just wondering what others think.

between us me and DH have 5 adult children and 10 grandchildren aged 1 to 10.

One of our our grandchildren is aged 9 and is autistic. He is fairly high functioning in that he can communicate and dress himself, infact if you met him you would just think he’s a ‘bit behind’ ( can’t yet read or write well) His mum (my stepdaughter) and dad want to buy a house or flat to provide for him in the future. My step son in law has a very well paid job, they have 4 children in total, they live in a nice house but all money goes on the house and children ( these children want for nothing and have a lovely life) they can afford to pay a mortgage for a second property but unable to find a deposit. Step-daughter is a full time mum.

They could save for a deposit themselves if they tightened their belts but they have asked us if we would provide a 10k deposit for them ( as a gift )

we can afford to do this, and we are generous with all our adult children but try to treat them all in a similarly financial way. I.e we paid £500 for one to have driving lessons, gave the others £500 towards holidays or cars. So all are treated equally more or less.

however, we could not afford to give each other adult child 10k.
on the other hand, they are thinking of their child’s future, a child who will probably never be in a position to have a well paid job (if any job) But they want him to have an independent future/adulthood if possible so I can understand from this point of view.

my worry/ concern is that our other adult child will be jealous/upset if we do this.

We’ve had a lot of fallings out over the past few years and some of the adult children don’t speak to each other so we don’t wish to make this worse.

just wondering if any of you wise people had any thoughts or advice. Thanks

OP posts:

christmastreefarm · 15/05/2023 11:51

Surely if he's only 10 it would be long way ahead and they don't even know what his capabilities will be at that age so no point buying somewhere now.

ohmustyou · 15/05/2023 11:52

No 9 year old needs their own house yet. 10k is a really big gift. Why does this need to happen now?

HippeePrincess · 15/05/2023 11:54

I wouldn’t, one reason being it might hinder him getting social care help when he needs it due to having capital!

Original poster

Member346563 · 15/05/2023 11:54

I think they are planning to rent out the property until he comes of age. Also, they are both 40:years old so I think they don’t want to wait to long to take out another mortgage that they might be paying until they’re in their late 60s

OP posts:

Incognito2023 · 15/05/2023 11:56

If you can’t do it for all, then the answer has to be no. People will be upset otherwise

Incognito2023 · 15/05/2023 11:57

Just seen your update - could you loan it to them? They repay you monthly (as if they were saving for a deposit)

HelpMeGetYouOut · 15/05/2023 11:58

As a parent of an autistic child, things shift and change in ways you can't predict when they are 9 years old.

You can't make decisions like this now.

Kitsmummy · 15/05/2023 12:24

Have you suggested your step DIL gets a job so they can save the deposit?!

Popcorn640 · 15/05/2023 12:28

I don't think any of you can have a realistic picture of what your GC's needs will be in 10 years, and as such this might not turn out to be the best course of action.

Another of your GC could become disabled in coming years - would you be expected/in a position to do the same for them?!

I also agree with PP that it could impact on what social care support your GC can access in the future.

No, I wouldn't do it, but I would tell them you'd consider it when he is nearer adulthood if you are still in a position to and that is in his best interests at that time.

Iwrote · 15/05/2023 12:32

Don't do it. It's not like they need 10k for life saving surgery or suchlike, ultimately they are just trying to get the deposit for a BTL. There's no guarantee this will help the child, it may just cause friction amongst their own children.

MichelleScarn · 15/05/2023 12:32

Kitsmummy · 15/05/2023 12:24

Have you suggested your step DIL gets a job so they can save the deposit?!

This how old are all the dc, and where would the income from the rented property go until he needs to live in it?

mumonthehill · 15/05/2023 12:34

No i do not think this is a good idea. The best thing you can do is save for each grandchild so that they have some money when they turn 18 or 21.

saraclara · 15/05/2023 12:34

They could save for a deposit themselves if they tightened their belts but they have asked us if we would provide a 10k deposit for them ( as a gift )

Nope. They will be renting this place for a decade at the very least, and getting the rental money. So a gift of the deposit is entirely unreasonable. They are selling it to you as a benefit to their son. but really it's a benefit to them. And it's perfectly possible that the son won't get the property in the end.

plasticpens · 15/05/2023 12:35

This is really weird.

My autistic son is 20 and has saved around £10k towards a deposit. He is at uni, living at home. When he was 9 he couldn't even dress himself.

Autistic people change, just as all people do

DucksNewburyport · 15/05/2023 12:35

No, I would not do this for one adult child if I couldn't afford to do something similar for the others.

SuperSonicAyeAye · 15/05/2023 12:36

My parents have the same policy of giving us the same amount of money and it's very fair. So you can say, I can't give you £10k as I can't give that to everyone, but I can give you £2k and that will have to do. I think they are very bold to ask, tbh, and as pp have said, they will have the rental benefit for years to come.

saraclara · 15/05/2023 12:36

If there've already been fallings out among the children, the last thing you want to do is get drawn into another subject that will annoy some of them. It's absolutely unfair of them to get you involved.

OhComeOnFFS · 15/05/2023 12:39

I agree with the others - treat them all the same. You can't give one grandchild a large sum of money and not the others. They don't know yet whether their son will be able to live independently or whether he'll need residential care.

SchoolTripDrama · 15/05/2023 12:51

My autistic child has 'improved' (for want of a better term) dramatically within the last 4 years. To the point where she ended up being reassessed (now very borderline but still autistic whereas when she was originally diagnosed she had every possible diagnostic marker!)

This isn't usual to be fair, but you just never know how things will go

SunnyEgg · 15/05/2023 12:53

No I’d be fair and treat them all the same

SpringleDingle · 15/05/2023 12:59

Lend them the 10k and get them to pay it back to you (or to be removed from their share of the estate of you die before it is paid back). That is fair if you want to help. Who asks their parents to give them 10k??? Mine could afford it but I'd chop my own leg off before I asked!!

LunaMay · 15/05/2023 13:00

It isn't even about the adult children to me, would you want to be responsible for the other grandchildren not being provided the same? Sure it might be harder for this grandchild in the future but they will also have access to support the others wouldn't if they were struggling.

Soo much can change for him over the next 10 years, you would be surprised! Who even knows if he would want to live alone when the time comes?? They don't need a home for him now and they are capable of saving a deposit if that is something they really feel is important, it is for them to make that sacrifice, meaning she gets a job to provide it. They are being cheeky.

ejbaxa · 15/05/2023 13:00

Autistic people are very vulnerable to people taking advantage of them and conning them out of stuff. This could be someone they know or someone random. They are also generally pretty blunt and truthful - often being unable to blur things for privacy and just stating the absolute truth.

So point is a) they’d let it slip that they were a homeowner when their peers were poor students or in min wage jobs and b) they wouldn’t see it coming when someone started to bleed them for cash/assets.

if the parents are going to do it anyway and your issue is with the £10k and being fair, then you could loan the £10k for now and then get it back over a period of 10yrs?

Comefromaway · 15/05/2023 13:04

You absolutely cannot predict things now. Both my two are autistic and the one who had many more problems as a child and was very needy is now the one thriving whereas the other who masked a lot and appeared very independent is the one who appears to be drifting.

Original poster

Member346563 · 15/05/2023 13:05

Kitsmummy, step DIL is planning on returning to work next year when youngest is 2, but has concerns about what she can do (been out of workforce for so long) and I think realistically it would only be a low paid part time job (though I take your point entirely)

incognito2023, I don’t like the idea of a loan for this particular adult child as I suspect it would not be repaid, causing more resentment. We prefer to just give money with no expectation.

thanks all for your comments, truthfully i think I knew the answer and you have all confirmed it and for those that said they will be reaping the rental rewards for years to come, well….my thought’s entirely.

for now, we I doubt we will be doing this, at least not until a time we have a greater understanding of GC,s needs.

OP posts:

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