Thoughts on providing deposit for autistic grandchild

[Member346563]

Just wondering what others think.

between us me and DH have 5 adult children and 10 grandchildren aged 1 to 10.

One of our our grandchildren is aged 9 and is autistic. He is fairly high functioning in that he can communicate and dress himself, infact if you met him you would just think he’s a ‘bit behind’ ( can’t yet read or write well) His mum (my stepdaughter) and dad want to buy a house or flat to provide for him in the future. My step son in law has a very well paid job, they have 4 children in total, they live in a nice house but all money goes on the house and children ( these children want for nothing and have a lovely life) they can afford to pay a mortgage for a second property but unable to find a deposit. Step-daughter is a full time mum.

They could save for a deposit themselves if they tightened their belts but they have asked us if we would provide a 10k deposit for them ( as a gift )

we can afford to do this, and we are generous with all our adult children but try to treat them all in a similarly financial way. I.e we paid £500 for one to have driving lessons, gave the others £500 towards holidays or cars. So all are treated equally more or less.

however, we could not afford to give each other adult child 10k.
on the other hand, they are thinking of their child’s future, a child who will probably never be in a position to have a well paid job (if any job) But they want him to have an independent future/adulthood if possible so I can understand from this point of view.

my worry/ concern is that our other adult child will be jealous/upset if we do this.

We’ve had a lot of fallings out over the past few years and some of the adult children don’t speak to each other so we don’t wish to make this worse.

just wondering if any of you wise people had any thoughts or advice. Thanks

Are they definitely planning on him having the house/flat himself, or do you think they may be using his situation as an excuse because they're looking towards their own retirement plans and wanting a BTL for a pension for themselves? Would they be thinking of giving the house to him, or him renting it from them with his own income (whether earnings/disability benefits/UC/other)?

I don't get how they have no spare money now, but they are confident that they would be able to pay another mortgage. Can they not use that spare monthly mortgage money now to save up a deposit and then start using it to pay the actual mortgage once they've bought somewhere?

You generally need a 25% deposit to purchase a buy to let - the mortgages are very different for properties you will let out. Given I doubt they can find a suitable property for £40k, then they are still going to have to come up with a sizeable deposit themselves. I’d challenge how well thought through this is and maybe use that as an excuse to say no.

If they can afford to pay the mortgage on the flat then they can afford to save a set amount of money into an investment account. Your DGC is only 9. If they save consistently for the next 15 years they would have a decent sum of money for a flat, and in an investment fund it would be increasing in value and also reinvesting dividends, rather than a mortgage which is costing interest.

I echo what others have said. If you cannot for all then you can't for one.

I would also advise your step DIL and step son that the best thing they could do for their child is to contact a law firm specialising in things like disabled person trusts and so forth so they can actually properly plan for their child. That way they can get specialist advice tailored specifically to their situation. The National Autistic Society could possibly advise for such specialist lawyers.

Slightly different option
Why don't you invest the £10k in the property on behalf of all the grandchildren
If the property is sold then you will get the percentage return back to share with the grandchildren or if the child lives in it for a long time then the share passes onto potential great grandchildren

That way each grandchild will benefit equally from the investment but the child with the additional needs has the support they need

If the parents can afford to pay back the money then this will go back into your estate for sharing as per your wishes

It's really hard to know what will happen, is it fair that one grandchild gets X when Y might develop cancer or have an accident and can't work / this way they each own a share in an investment which could be beneficial to all of them as well as the specific child

That's really good to hear. Please can you tell me some of the things that helped her improve. We're there any therapies etc that made a difference. How has she improved. I have a 12 year old with ASD

Could you meet them halfway and give 5000 and not give them the extra stuff you give the others?

How on earth do you think the other grandchildren could get hold of their share of the investment when they need it? They're not going to want to wait for their own grandchildren or great grandchildren to reap the benefit.

As an alternative could you put some money in trust for your gc as part of your will? If they don't have the capacity when they are older to deal with money this is a good way of providing for them as it will also mean that the LA can't use it towards any statutory services (you can specify what it is used for). Leaving a child with a house who doesn't have capacity could cause other issues if not done in the correct way. In the same way the elderly have to sell their properties to pay for care homes. If your gc requires support to live independently or needs to live in supported living etc this is a possibility. I'd at least make sure his parents have looked into this as it could be if you do give thd deposit it is just taken by the la st a later date to pay for services which if the house/ money was left in trust wouldn't be able to.

Contact a family run regular online seminars/ help time about it and they have a helpline too.

That's very odd, he's 9. And totally unfair to their other kids. Definitely don't do this

This doesn’t really add up. If they can afford the repayments they can afford to wait a few years and save up what they would have spent on the repayments to build up a deposit.

You don’t know what might happen in the future, another of your grandchildren might develop difficulties that mean they need extra support, meanwhile you’ve helped one and not the other.

just make everything fair in your will to all your children.

I think you are being sensible. The child is 9. While my dc do not have SEN, yes, I'd love to 'buy them an investment property' now. But it's not practical. They have 9+ years before the earliest when the child could even become independent (and likely longer). Even working min wage, your stepdaughter returning to work would allow them to save a deposit in that time, if they are currently already living on her partner's earnings. That would create a lovely nest egg for their ds and would also hopefully allow her to upskill, which will be important if they are likely to have an adult child they will need to financially support.

That said, the only way I'd consider doing it is if the 10K was a loan (can you even do that for a mortgage deposit?) and all rental income was to be paid to you, less upkeep, until the loan was repaid. How you would get such a legal agreement drawn up, I'm not sure. And on a more practical level, it wouldn't be fair if you couldn't also 'loan' out a similar amount to the others.

Is there a reason that only one of the parents work? Why doesn't she get a part time job and save that salary purely to put towards a deposit.

I don't see the reasoning, at this stage, in buying a house with a view to it being this child's house in the future.

It's absolutely impossible fir the parents to know what support he'll need in the future, if any.

What if another grandchild has a currently hidden disability and requests the same support next year?

You've said that they live a lovely life and want for nothing. They are basically asking you for money so they don't have to change anything about their own standard of living.

They don't really have any way of knowing what their sons needs will be when he's older or even if he'd want to live in a house they've bought for him. His needs might be more advanced and he might need supported housing or his needs might be very few and he might want to get married or move in with a partner. No one can predict what his life will be like in 10+ years time.
Would he be expected to take over the mortgage payments when he's old enough? It seems very prescriptive as though they're carving out a future for him that he might not even want?

I think if you want to be fair to all your grandchildren then it'd be better to leave them a nice sum each in your will.

How bizarre, why are they assuming he won't live a successful independent life?
A good friend of mine was non verbal and profoundly effected by ASD until he was 13, but is now a programmer for microsoft earning over £250K a year and living in silicone valley.

Why do your SIL and DD have such low expectations and why are they wanting their DC treated differently?

Ridiculous to buy a house for a 9 year old. Even more so to ask for th deposit as a gift. They could save that money using the mortgage money they won;t be spending.

It sounds more like they want the financial investment and want you to give them a short cut to it.

You already know this is a bad idea, it doesn't make sense on any level.

They are being extremely cheeky to ask this of you, especially given there is already bad feeling between your children about perceived 'unfairness'. They are trying to leverage their 9yo's diagnosis into a large cash 'gift'? Unbelievable.

The BTL property is a nice idea but definitely not an 'emergency' that would justify a request for this amount of money.

If you can afford to, it might be worth starting a grandkids' savings fund, something that has a reasonably high yield; then you could allocate some funds to their future well-being now to be responsive for what different children will need in future.

In your shoes I'd struggle not to feel resentful that they've asked - it puts you in a crappy position to say no and shows that they don't really care about your comfort. In their shoes I'd never put a loved relative in an awkward position like this. Honestly I think you need to include with your 'no' some feedback on how unkind it is of them to make an unreasonable request in the first place, and that you'd like this not to be repeated...

Wish you all the best.

Very unfair to the other kids in that family.

Please don't decide this child will be limited in future. At 9 so much can change. Someone autistic I know very well was 'behind' (as you put it) at 9 and is now a world leader in their field.

I understand the concerns for the future of the SEN child but other siblings in the family should be treated equally and that is what is in my will.

Agreed. To add to this, this grandchild (and others) will no doubt benefit from any inheritance you may leave, either directly or indirectly. How old are you OP? Assuming I was in good health, in your position I'd probably just suggest waiting and seeing what the needs were in future as they come up.

I think they're taking the p...

Why don't you loan it, if they are going to be renting it out then they are going to receiving an income. I can see how this could aggrieve the other children.

Also how big is said property, from what you've said I'd be expected a flat or small 2 bed.

Could you lend the money, and recoup it in the first couple of years by your stepdaughter and son in law paying you back via the rental income (or a percentage of) from the property they will be letting out?

Lol, right. They definitely want it for their 9 year old and it’s absolutely not the case that they want to be gifted £10k and a decade of rental income.

Why not ask you to put the deposit in your name, and/or sign it over to a trust that will provide for him as an adult? There’s no reason they should have control of the money if it’s only purpose is to benefit him as an adult.

maybe instead you would want to consider saving a sum up for the future quietly just so it would be there if ever at any point you felt fit to discuss as a whole family if he needed it . I would want to discuss it with everyone and only if he really would need more help as he may likely do well for himself hopefully ? As I also wouldn’t want any grandchild having less incentive to become independent and find their career etc.