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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Found out my partner cheated on me in the first four months of our relationship

65 replies

jodie6973 · 15/05/2023 08:25

Found out my partner of 2.5 years cheated on me in the first four months of our relationship. He cheated with a woman he had been having sex with when he was married to his wife. They had been doing this for 2 years. He told me all about this situation when we started talking. He said he had been in an unhappy marriage and she was just casual sex to him. He promised it was over and he didn’t like her. He also lied about who she was. She was his friend’s wife. He continued to visit a gym all while we were together and said the woman he had been sleeping with wasn’t a member anymore. I then found out who she was, that she was still a member and he had been lying and he had cheated. He didn’t own up to this. I had to fight for the truth. He spent nearly every minute with me for the last year, so I don’t think he was cheating. We were living together. I have since thrown him out. This was a month ago and I am still struggling to know what to do. He said in the first four months she went with him to help him move his furniture. He said she tried it on and he just let her. They had sex then left. He said that he told her it would never happen again and they have not had contact since. He was heavily messaging me at this point and we had slept together a couple of times. The thing that hurts is that I knew about her but he promised he was done, didn’t like her or even fancy her. He said it was there on a plate and he was selfish and took it. He now says that he hadn’t realised he had such selfish traits. He says he will never cheat or lie to me again and he is sorry that he has caused this much pain. My children now hate him. I just question everything about him. I’m desperate for someone to help me. I am nearly 50 and left a very unhappy of 25 years with my ex 5 years ago. I really wanted to meet someone and fall in love. He can also be very arrogant and argumentative. He really does have the worst and best qualities I could want, or not want. I am so confused. Please help me 😥

OP posts:

Lifesagamethentheytaketheboardaway · 15/05/2023 08:31

Why are so many women just so desperate for any man that they’ll accept this behaviour and stay?

Really, why would you accept this? You’d choose this rather than just being independent and strong and happy because you have self respect? This is what you want instead, an arrogant liar and cheater?

I’ll never understand.

Purplecatshopaholic · 15/05/2023 08:34

It’s obvs your call op, but to me this has shown him for who he really is. Raise your bar. Is this really the sort of man you want?

DustyLee123 · 15/05/2023 08:35

He is a liar, end of. You can’t trust a single word he says.

Watchkeys · 15/05/2023 08:36

Choose someone who doesn't have poor qualities, and you won't be treated poorly.

Stay with a liar and a cheat, and volunteer yourself to be lied to and cheated on.

I know it hurts, but it's not confusing, it's very clear.

Original poster

jodie6973 · 15/05/2023 08:39

I know, I have all the doubt someone should have, and I am ashamed of myself. I have had very few relationships. Well only 2 serious ones. My childhood was very abusive and I think I struggle to know and stand firm against abuse. It’s like I have two very opposing views of this man. He has made so many massive changes to be with me. I can’t seem to decide between the fact he wants to change and has, or I’m being manipulated.

OP posts:

Dogsitterwoes · 15/05/2023 08:42

He spent two years cheating on his wife with his friend's wife? And cheated on you (once, as far as you know). And it's just dawning on him that he is selfish..

He's a shitbag of the highest order.

You can miss him and have to accept it'll take a while for your love to fade, but listen more to your head here. He's not a good partner for anyone.

Watchkeys · 15/05/2023 08:42

You don't have to decide between those things. It's not about whether he's changed v whether you're being manipulated.

It's about what he's already done, that cannot be changed.

Joystir59 · 15/05/2023 08:44

I was surprised to read you are 50! Thought you were very young when I read your post. Bin him obviously.

Watchkeys · 15/05/2023 08:45

Op's head is the bit that's confusing her, with all the thinking and deliberating.

Listen to your heart. That's the part of you that got you to post here. The part of you that feels you need support to make a decision within your own relationship. Healthy relationships have their decisions made from within, by relating to each other.

Dedodee · 15/05/2023 08:51

When my df left my dm she dated some absolute losers.
My advice is dump him because your dc hate him for good reason and in 10 years you’ll really wish you had as you won’t trust him and your dc will spend less time with you.
Build yourself the life you want as a single person and if a man comes along then you’ll be better positioned to judge what’s best for you.
I still think less of my dm for the terrible choices she made and inflicted on her dc.

Pinkdelight3 · 15/05/2023 09:01

Well done for throwing him out. You have unequivocally done the right thing and will be more alert for twats like him in future. I'm guessing you were at a low ebb and vulnerable when you met him, because this -

He said he had been in an unhappy marriage and she was just casual sex to him. He promised it was over and he didn’t like her.

...has red flags all over it. He told you he's a liar and cheat and a nasty one - whether this woman was his wife's friend or someone else is immaterial. He was using her for casual sex to cheat on his wife and he didn't like her. Delightful!

He's an absolute a-hole and you can do better. Your DC sound switched on too. Stay strong and here's to a better future.

Pinkdelight3 · 15/05/2023 09:03

I can’t seem to decide between the fact he wants to change and has, or I’m being manipulated.

You were being manipulated from the off. See how you're supposed to think: "Oh he was cheating on his wife, but it was just casual sex and he didn't like her. Not like me, therefore I'm different and special and it won't happen again."

He won't change. He's incapable. His method works. He used it on his wife. He's used it on you. When he's "unhappy" or just wants some more casual sex he'll use it again and he'll lie about it. The trust is gone. He can't change that.

Original poster

jodie6973 · 15/05/2023 09:24

There is so much to tell really. I’m almost ashamed to explain it all. He cheated on his wife with his ex a year after they got together. He said they were unhappy. He then married her and had several flings with other women during their marriage. She went and studied away for 5 years and he worked and looked after the kids. He said they had no physical relationship. He said he craved intimacy. I thought he was just the product of unhappiness and his words seemed so genuine. I am an empath and work in this field, offender management. I struggled with him to be his priority for the first year at least. He swung from ring so charming to being so selfish. He has gradually made me his total priority and we planned a life. We out an offer in on a house. I then found all this out. He said he had never realised how selfish he is and is ashamed of himself. He said he has to manage and work on his flaws but that he loves me deeply and believes he can be the person I deserve. I’m stuck between belief in change or that he is just fundamentally awful. He used to want to go the pub all the time. For the last year he has totally cut this behaviour. I know he looks and seems like a total disaster and he has hurt me deeply. I think I was lonely and have been for a long time. I was lonely as a child and my relationship with the father of my children was also a lonely one. I have no family and am quite isolated. I am generally a strong independent woman. My relationship with my girls is incredible. They are 21 and 18.

OP posts:

Dogsitterwoes · 15/05/2023 09:32

He is fundamentally awful.

Original poster

jodie6973 · 15/05/2023 09:45

Thank you for the advice everyone. It is really appreciated that you took the time to respond. I know my response seems to be weak and delusional. I guess my heart was heavily invested and it has and is very hard to do such a u-turn.

OP posts:

plasticpens · 15/05/2023 09:52

Arrogant, argumentative, liar and cheat.

Hmmm. Not much to be confused about there.

Original poster

jodie6973 · 15/05/2023 09:53

I understand it seems easy to see his faults. It every relationship is complex. There were many things which made me immensely happy. But you are right. These things are so big they cannot be ignored. I’m just struggling to let go of the fantasy really.

OP posts:

caringcarer · 15/05/2023 09:54

Watchkeys · 15/05/2023 08:36

Choose someone who doesn't have poor qualities, and you won't be treated poorly.

Stay with a liar and a cheat, and volunteer yourself to be lied to and cheated on.

I know it hurts, but it's not confusing, it's very clear.

Absolutely this.

DelphiniumBlue · 15/05/2023 09:55

Even if what he says is true, it doesn't put him in a good light- he slept with someone he didn't like or even fancy?
He's not a good person.

Original poster

jodie6973 · 15/05/2023 09:57

Yes, he said it was mechanical. He said he finds nothing about her attractive. And that is awful, as she is a person with feelings and I suspect she actually liked him despite the fact she was married. I know, he is a horrible person. I’m just struggling to rip the mask off. I think he is a narcissistic abuser and I am suffering from some sort of distorted bond.

OP posts:

BadNomad · 15/05/2023 10:05

He told you from the start what he is. Even now he's telling you he's selfish. That's who he is. You really are wasting your time on this man. If he wants to change, that's something he needs to go work on by himself. But he won't change while he's with you because why would he? There will be no need to change when he has what he wants.

growgrowinggrown · 15/05/2023 10:06

He told you all of this information about what a lying cheating scumbag he was, and you still began a relationship with him. Really, what did you expect?
It's like an owner telling you their dog is vicious and then being shocked when it bites you.

Pinkdelight3 · 15/05/2023 10:14

I can feel your struggle and know it's so hard, but he is fundamentally awful, you know that. Of course people and relationships with them are complex, and your own desires and hopes come in to cloud the mix and complicate it more, but that doesn't alter what you know to be true. You absolutely cannot trust him and from your latest posts he sounds even more irredeemable.

Of course he has some better qualities or else you wouldn't be wavering, but he's a serial liar and cheat who uses women for his own ends and doesn't ultimately care. Being an empath, you fill in that gap for him and think you have enough love for the both of you. It's almost like you made a challenge, to make him care and need you, and maybe he has come to need you, but that's not the same as true love and respect. He's fundamentally too selfish to give you that and this talk of being the man you deserve is meaningless. He's had that chance. He is not that man. And if you make excuse for him, you know you're fooling yourself and settling for less than you deserve.

He's not even very nice by the sounds of it. I don't think you'll miss him if you do the work on yourself to ditch the fantasy, accept the reality, and move on before you're 60 and still stuck with him.

Sherrycat · 15/05/2023 10:25

This is only going to end in heartbreak. You will never trust him & your girls will never accept him.
I know you're lonely, but trust me, there is far better out there.

Shapemyeyebrows · 15/05/2023 10:26

@jodie6973 He has lied to you and is still lying to you. I highly doubt that if he was seeing her over 2 years which overlapped into his relationship with both his wife and you that he doesn’t find anything attractive about her. He honestly sounds like a real wrong ‘un. I can never understand why women contemplate taking these cheating men back when they have no kids together to consider? You deserve so much better.

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