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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Found out my partner cheated on me in the first four months of our relationship

65 replies

jodie6973 · 15/05/2023 08:25

Found out my partner of 2.5 years cheated on me in the first four months of our relationship. He cheated with a woman he had been having sex with when he was married to his wife. They had been doing this for 2 years. He told me all about this situation when we started talking. He said he had been in an unhappy marriage and she was just casual sex to him. He promised it was over and he didn’t like her. He also lied about who she was. She was his friend’s wife. He continued to visit a gym all while we were together and said the woman he had been sleeping with wasn’t a member anymore. I then found out who she was, that she was still a member and he had been lying and he had cheated. He didn’t own up to this. I had to fight for the truth. He spent nearly every minute with me for the last year, so I don’t think he was cheating. We were living together. I have since thrown him out. This was a month ago and I am still struggling to know what to do. He said in the first four months she went with him to help him move his furniture. He said she tried it on and he just let her. They had sex then left. He said that he told her it would never happen again and they have not had contact since. He was heavily messaging me at this point and we had slept together a couple of times. The thing that hurts is that I knew about her but he promised he was done, didn’t like her or even fancy her. He said it was there on a plate and he was selfish and took it. He now says that he hadn’t realised he had such selfish traits. He says he will never cheat or lie to me again and he is sorry that he has caused this much pain. My children now hate him. I just question everything about him. I’m desperate for someone to help me. I am nearly 50 and left a very unhappy of 25 years with my ex 5 years ago. I really wanted to meet someone and fall in love. He can also be very arrogant and argumentative. He really does have the worst and best qualities I could want, or not want. I am so confused. Please help me 😥

OP posts:

Original poster

jodie6973 · 15/05/2023 14:08

CantGetDecentNickname · 15/05/2023 14:04

You know you've done the right thing in getting him to leave. You're just going though a "wobble" while you grieve for the relationship you thought you had and at the same time he was trying to worm his way back in which was making you doubt yourself.

Stand firm and don't allow him to try to manipulate his way back into your life. Please block him so he cannot contact you any longer. Watchkeys has wisely pointed out that you need to stop listening to him.

You're not an idiot. He sounds like a narcissist and serial cheater who is good at manipulating others. You need to cut him off completely. You are worth more than this.

You’re very right. My daughter said he is the worst type of abusive person, as he is clever and manipulative. So not only does he hurt people, but he puts huge efforts into manipulating and deflecting his behaviour, causing secondary pain to the victims.
thank you very much for taking the time to message. It is hugely appreciated and valued. I will use these messages as strength and logic.

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 15/05/2023 14:10

Every time I give advice and it hits home, I'm grateful that I was put through the abuse. It gets more and more valuable, for more and more people. Little did my abuser know that all that shit treatment would be the catalyst for making my life better than I had ever realised it could be, and helping and supporting others to do the same. I hope you end up feeling the same way, OP, and anyone else it helps.

Namechange666 · 15/05/2023 14:21

Watchkeys · 15/05/2023 13:33

When you were little, and you were abused, the little you had to shut up about her feelings, because nobody took notice of them, and she had no power.

You are still the same. She is still there, still shouting to be heard, still crying. She tells you when she's uncomfortable and you don't listen. Then she tells you when she's unhappy, and you don't listen. Then she tells you when she's hurting, and you don't listen. But you hear it all. Start to take care of her... nobody ever has, but the reason this thread feels good is because she's spoken, and she's being heard and responded to. Only have relationships/friendships, from this moment forward, that give you the same feeling: I am heard. My feelings matter, here. I am being listened to, and my feelings are being respected.

Your first friendship to cultivate is with her, that little girl inside you. When you start to take notice of her, and walk away when she wants to walk away, you will then have boundaries. She is your heart. Respect her. She is who you really are, your individuality, your self. She is the bit of you that makes you you, rather than anybody else, or an android. She is a child, and she is your responsibility. Don't put her in any more places that make her unhappy.

You are not powerless, now.

What a beautiful post. Felt tearful reading that.

Namechange666 · 15/05/2023 14:25

I've actually saved that post watch keys thank you. I wasn't abused but I wasn't heard in a different way. Thank you.

Time4achange2 · 15/05/2023 14:25

Every woman that gets involved with your partner is either subject to lies, unfaithfulness along with his selfishness. He cannot and will not change. If there are no consequences to his actions and you take him back, it is a signal for him to continue to be abusive by deceiving you and more.

2.5 years is still the honeymoon period in a relationship fgs. Imagine 5 or 10 years down the line....you could be in a duplicate situation to your first marriage.

OP, you deserve so much more, do not settle because your dreams have shattered. Alter your course and stand firm. Better days are ahead.

SapatSea · 15/05/2023 14:27

Your DC "hate him" that should be enough to ditch him for good. The man is a serial liar and cheater. This man is not your friend.

youhavenoidea123 · 15/05/2023 14:30

If your DC described your ex partner as someone they were about to start a relationship with. What would your advice be?

Time4achange2 · 15/05/2023 14:37

Beautiful and wise words@Watchkeys, I too am saving this post.

OP, keep strong x

hppo · 15/05/2023 14:49

Putting the fact he cheated on you at the beginning of the relationship to one side

He cheated on his exW for 2 years with her friend. That's not the type of man I'd ever trust or want to be in a relationship with.

Sounds like this wasn't long before he met you either so it's not like some daft thing he done when he was really immature and then learned a lesson from

TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 16:49

He also said, even if I hadn’t lied and cheated, I wonder if we were destined to fail because you have trust issues.

Just lol.

People with trust issues, unless they're just possessive, disordered etc. will generally learn to trust over time and with positive, ongoing experiences and reason to trust.

You could never have done that cause he was cheating with his attached (?) fuck buddy right from the start.

He's trying to make himself feel better about his cheating and fucking up your relationship - it's delusion.

He's trying to make you feel like it's your issues that would have made it fail anyway. Nah mate, it's your issues; and the fact youre serial cheat and liar, who even cheats with his "mate"'s spouse.

Pull the fkg other one.

TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 16:51

That nonsense actually conforms everything you need to know about his ability to take responsibility for his own behaviour, choices etc.

He hasn't got it.

Boomshock · 19/05/2023 02:30

TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 10:48

Just as an aside; there are cheaters out there, but the ones who actually cheat with their "friends" partners are at a particular level of scumminess and shamelessness that is unequalled. It's takes a real, proper, fucked up c*nt to do that. They look their partner in the face and cheat on them/treat them like shit ... They look their "friend" in the face and cheat on them/treat them like shit. Someone like that has a brain that's not likely to change.

Completely agree.
And to add a whole new level of scuminess he apparently found nothing attractive about her. He didn't even say he just fell for her or caught feelings or was overtaken by lust. He wasn't even attracted to her but still slept with her anyway even though it was his friends wife.

autienotnaughtym · 19/05/2023 05:01

If you take him back you are telling him it's ok for him to treat you this way as you will forgive him.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 19/05/2023 05:45

Watchkeys that was a lovely message and think a lot of us can learn from that.

Asuitcase · 19/05/2023 13:35

I agree, save Watchkey's post, it's applicable to many.

Op I wouldn't even try to converse with this man, every time he opens his mouth, lies fall from his lips.

Some people have an ability to twist every situation in life to their advantage, this is the type of man you are with. At the beggining you thought as long as he wasn't hurting you and was on your side you were safe, for example his bad behaviour to others only highlighted the fact that he was good to you, you thought yourself to be special.

You only have his word why he treated others badly and you well, him treating others badly actually made you feel very special, he allowed you this information to create that security, to pull you in and create idealisation and dependancy on this magnificent man who up until you had never found love that could keep him in line.

I'm affraid you've been decieved, he doesn't think you are special he only thinks you are another sap who will willingly believe his words and therefore extract as much usefullness as possible from you.

He cares for no one but himself, day in day out, look at every scenario and I will bet there is something HE is getting out of it.
These types are masters of making it look like they are always doing and acting for others, look through his bullshit, it will become more apparent the longer you stay together, the mask slips and your eyes are beggining to open, take notice and then you can start to heal once this disgusting untrustworthy specimen is away from you.

You are one of his victims, try to get away.

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