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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Found out my partner cheated on me in the first four months of our relationship

65 replies

jodie6973 · 15/05/2023 08:25

Found out my partner of 2.5 years cheated on me in the first four months of our relationship. He cheated with a woman he had been having sex with when he was married to his wife. They had been doing this for 2 years. He told me all about this situation when we started talking. He said he had been in an unhappy marriage and she was just casual sex to him. He promised it was over and he didn’t like her. He also lied about who she was. She was his friend’s wife. He continued to visit a gym all while we were together and said the woman he had been sleeping with wasn’t a member anymore. I then found out who she was, that she was still a member and he had been lying and he had cheated. He didn’t own up to this. I had to fight for the truth. He spent nearly every minute with me for the last year, so I don’t think he was cheating. We were living together. I have since thrown him out. This was a month ago and I am still struggling to know what to do. He said in the first four months she went with him to help him move his furniture. He said she tried it on and he just let her. They had sex then left. He said that he told her it would never happen again and they have not had contact since. He was heavily messaging me at this point and we had slept together a couple of times. The thing that hurts is that I knew about her but he promised he was done, didn’t like her or even fancy her. He said it was there on a plate and he was selfish and took it. He now says that he hadn’t realised he had such selfish traits. He says he will never cheat or lie to me again and he is sorry that he has caused this much pain. My children now hate him. I just question everything about him. I’m desperate for someone to help me. I am nearly 50 and left a very unhappy of 25 years with my ex 5 years ago. I really wanted to meet someone and fall in love. He can also be very arrogant and argumentative. He really does have the worst and best qualities I could want, or not want. I am so confused. Please help me 😥

OP posts:
jodie6973 · 15/05/2023 10:28

Thank you for these kind posts. It means an awful lot. I know you are right. Hearing this really helps. I do feel like an idiot. And if I was reading this from someone else I would
be screaming at the phone. It’s crazy what ideals and fantasies and emotions can do to a person. I have attachment issues I have learnt over the last month, which stem from childhood. I find it hard to give up even when someone is abusing me. I was trained to be this way by both my parents. The work is not just a result of this man, but a fundamental flaw in me. I fight so hard to see the good, I’m blinded to the bad.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 15/05/2023 10:35

There is no flaw in you. This is fundamental for you to understand. There is nothing special or different about you from how we all are: imperfect and wonderful. You have not been broken.

If you had been broken, you wouldn't be able to feel that the poor treatment was bad. All your sensors are working just fine. The only issue is that you ignore them, and that's not a flaw, that's a decision. The good thing about that is that even if you've decided for the last 400 years to only go right, today, suddenly and for no apparent reason, you can simply go left.

Your past decisions define you as an abuse victim, not an idiot. Your willingness to call yourself an idiot, and 'flawed' is what puts you at risk of more abuse.

You are wonderful. You can make your own decisions about what you want to do, and about what feels good or bad for you. Stop thinking about what you 'should' do, and about how you've been treated, and about what it's done to you. Start thinking along these lines: What will I be glad, at the end of today, that I chose to do? What will I be glad, at the end of this week, that I chose to do? What will I be glad, at the end of this year, that I chose to do? Make your decisions based on thoughts like that, and your past will cease to matter. It doesn't matter what's happened to you; it matters that you are in charge of what comes next, for ever.

TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 10:38

So;

He cheated on his spouse.
He cheated with someone else's spouse.
He cheated with his "mate"'s spouse
He's cheated on you.
He didnt even confess,you had to find out and go PI to find out and prove it.

Throw him back. He's not trustworthy.
He fundamentally lacks integrity.

There are lots of excuses being made for why he repeatedly cheated on his ex wife but ateotd people leave unhappy relationships & marriages every day of the week (and he left it eventually; so he could have left and coparented without repeatedly cheating on her).

He's a really poor bet for a relationship.

If you don't have any kids with him, don't. Just get away and don't get tied to him.

His character & behaviour is spray painted all over the wall in capital letters. Don't think you'll be the one to change him, it's v unlikely.

jodie6973 · 15/05/2023 10:41

Thank you watchkeys. Your words are wonderful and so helpful. I know deep down he will never change. I am just scared of my ability to suck up the change and be in the hurt and face being lonely. But you are all right. He is awful. He has been more awful than I write. He is like Jekyll and Hyde. He has shouted at me, spoiled so
many things and always thinks about himself. He is tight with money despite having so much more than me. He is just so self driven. He cannot look outwardly, only inward. I will stop contact and move forward. I’m sure I will not regret this after working on myself. You have all been so helpful and brutally honest and right.

OP posts:
TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 10:41

In fact noone changes someone else; the person had to, themselves, change. I wouldn't be putting any bets on him changing to be one a faithful, reliable, responsible partner with integrity.

Past behaviour is often the best indicator of future behaviour. And he's already proven that's the case by cheating on you within the honeymoon period of your relationship and lying to your face about it for over two years.

TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 10:44

He is awful. He has been more awful than I write. He is like Jekyll and Hyde. He has shouted at me, spoiled so
many things and always thinks about himself. He is tight with money despite having so much more than me. He is just so self driven. He cannot look outwardly, only inward.

If he was incredibly nice and kind, I'd still be telling you to get away from this serial cheat.

This is just more reason to gtf away from him.

Your description suggests a narcissist/personality disorder etc.

Watchkeys · 15/05/2023 10:45

If you see it as working on yourself, it's work. It's a chore.

What about seeing it as 'Doing nice things for yourself'? Or 'Listening to your wants and needs'?

Self respect, and enjoying time alone, means being a person that you enjoy spending time with. That voice in your head that tells you you're an idiot... would you want to spend time with a person who said that to you? Would you enjoy being treated that way? Would you enjoy being told you were flawed?

Think about how you would like to be treated. What would an ideal partner/friend suggest doing together, what would they say to you that would make you feel good? If it was their responsibility to take the best possible care of you for a day, how would that day go?

Starlitestarbright · 15/05/2023 10:47

Look he's blamed his poor ex wife for him cheating with her friend and he's done the same with you when you should be in the honeymoon period. What else is there really to know. Hes a snake he always will be. Walk away now whilst you don't have dc and have permanent ties. There's a reason he got divorced because of his infidelity he won't change.

TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 10:48

Just as an aside; there are cheaters out there, but the ones who actually cheat with their "friends" partners are at a particular level of scumminess and shamelessness that is unequalled. It's takes a real, proper, fucked up c*nt to do that. They look their partner in the face and cheat on them/treat them like shit ... They look their "friend" in the face and cheat on them/treat them like shit. Someone like that has a brain that's not likely to change.

Lifesagamethentheytaketheboardaway · 15/05/2023 10:56

Sorry but, you’re an empath? Nonsense. That’s what people say when they spend their life allowing others to walk all over them and they think they’re doing the right thing as they’re so sensitive and caring.

You’re not. You’re a pushover. Don’t be a pushover any more.

jodie6973 · 15/05/2023 10:59

All your words are so helpful and spur me on and help drum in sense and logic. You are all
so helpful. It’s crazy, but having my situation heard and appraised outside my mind is helping me believe my own concerns and see the light. It may seem illogical to some, but relationships are very private. I read that if you put a frog in warm water and then boil it, the frog won’t jump out. It feels this has happened. And although he told me ‘some’ awful things. His honesty at the beginning made me think he of used his flaws and wanted to change and could. But I’ve learnt a lot more recently and your words are hugely enlightening. I know these things, but only half in my head. But hearing this out loud from others is strong and undeniable. So thank you. I will re read these over and over as a guide and strength to stay determined and love myself and look forward to being with myself.

OP posts:
jodie6973 · 15/05/2023 11:00

TheoTheopolis23 · 15/05/2023 10:48

Just as an aside; there are cheaters out there, but the ones who actually cheat with their "friends" partners are at a particular level of scumminess and shamelessness that is unequalled. It's takes a real, proper, fucked up c*nt to do that. They look their partner in the face and cheat on them/treat them like shit ... They look their "friend" in the face and cheat on them/treat them like shit. Someone like that has a brain that's not likely to change.

You are so right. He will cheat and lie on anyone.

OP posts:
SmashedApricot · 15/05/2023 11:12

Starlitestarbright · 15/05/2023 10:47

Look he's blamed his poor ex wife for him cheating with her friend and he's done the same with you when you should be in the honeymoon period. What else is there really to know. Hes a snake he always will be. Walk away now whilst you don't have dc and have permanent ties. There's a reason he got divorced because of his infidelity he won't change.

This . Any chance of you meeting his ex for coffee? Your eyes may well be
Truly opened and your head cleared .

jodie6973 · 15/05/2023 11:17

SmashedApricot · 15/05/2023 11:12

This . Any chance of you meeting his ex for coffee? Your eyes may well be
Truly opened and your head cleared .

I had thought about reaching out to her. He never wanted us to meet. I have never spoken to her. He never added me on social
media. I do t use it that much so never bothered really. But up until a month ago he was still friends with the woman he was cheating with.
I am just worried she may not want to talk to me. Do you think I should try? If you were his ex, would you find it helpful.

OP posts:
plasticpens · 15/05/2023 12:13

No you shouldn't try to meet his ex. You don't need to. He is arrogant, aggressive and has lied and cheated. You don't need someone else to tell you that. Stand up for yourself and end it and move on with your life.

Watchkeys · 15/05/2023 12:44

You already know who he is. Stay away from him and any of 'his people'.

You are in charge of saying goodbye to this episode in your life, you don't need to recruit others who are also involved in his unfavourable lifestyle.

Find a new friend of your own, someone who will be supportive and on your side. Bringing more of his people into your life just extends the 'drama-of-him' for you when you don't need to.

jodie6973 · 15/05/2023 13:12

I did wonder this. As moving on from him is removing him, his past and his drama. He always manages when we discuss things to deflect to me. I got angry and he said I was a narcissist. He also said, even if I hadn’t lied and cheated, I wonder if we were destined to fail because you have trust issues. I explained I have those but did trust the most seemingly untrustworthy man. He manages to focus on my flaws instead of his. Good advice.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 15/05/2023 13:21

I think that what he focusses on is irrelevant. This is your life, not his, and it's not up to him to decide what you 'are'.

It doesn't matter if you were destined to fail anyway due to your trust issues. He failed you, regardless. Why would he even need to make that query?

The thing is, you're still listening to him. If he told you your hair was made of custard, you'd think he was nuts, right? Because you know it isn't. So when he talks about what he perceives as your 'flaws', why don't you think he's nuts then?

jodie6973 · 15/05/2023 13:26

Watchkeys · 15/05/2023 13:21

I think that what he focusses on is irrelevant. This is your life, not his, and it's not up to him to decide what you 'are'.

It doesn't matter if you were destined to fail anyway due to your trust issues. He failed you, regardless. Why would he even need to make that query?

The thing is, you're still listening to him. If he told you your hair was made of custard, you'd think he was nuts, right? Because you know it isn't. So when he talks about what he perceives as your 'flaws', why don't you think he's nuts then?

I understand you. The flaw with me is listening too much to others and not me. I guess my own conviction isn’t strong enough. That’s what I need to work on. It’s so helpful to hear this out loud from others. You are right in every way. I’ve never posted on here, but how lovely to have the support and advice. I will definately help others as it is good to be heard and supported.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 15/05/2023 13:33

When you were little, and you were abused, the little you had to shut up about her feelings, because nobody took notice of them, and she had no power.

You are still the same. She is still there, still shouting to be heard, still crying. She tells you when she's uncomfortable and you don't listen. Then she tells you when she's unhappy, and you don't listen. Then she tells you when she's hurting, and you don't listen. But you hear it all. Start to take care of her... nobody ever has, but the reason this thread feels good is because she's spoken, and she's being heard and responded to. Only have relationships/friendships, from this moment forward, that give you the same feeling: I am heard. My feelings matter, here. I am being listened to, and my feelings are being respected.

Your first friendship to cultivate is with her, that little girl inside you. When you start to take notice of her, and walk away when she wants to walk away, you will then have boundaries. She is your heart. Respect her. She is who you really are, your individuality, your self. She is the bit of you that makes you you, rather than anybody else, or an android. She is a child, and she is your responsibility. Don't put her in any more places that make her unhappy.

You are not powerless, now.

jodie6973 · 15/05/2023 13:42

Watchkeys · 15/05/2023 13:33

When you were little, and you were abused, the little you had to shut up about her feelings, because nobody took notice of them, and she had no power.

You are still the same. She is still there, still shouting to be heard, still crying. She tells you when she's uncomfortable and you don't listen. Then she tells you when she's unhappy, and you don't listen. Then she tells you when she's hurting, and you don't listen. But you hear it all. Start to take care of her... nobody ever has, but the reason this thread feels good is because she's spoken, and she's being heard and responded to. Only have relationships/friendships, from this moment forward, that give you the same feeling: I am heard. My feelings matter, here. I am being listened to, and my feelings are being respected.

Your first friendship to cultivate is with her, that little girl inside you. When you start to take notice of her, and walk away when she wants to walk away, you will then have boundaries. She is your heart. Respect her. She is who you really are, your individuality, your self. She is the bit of you that makes you you, rather than anybody else, or an android. She is a child, and she is your responsibility. Don't put her in any more places that make her unhappy.

You are not powerless, now.

Wow your message brought tears to my eyes. I have never thought about it like that. You’re so right. Thank you so much for your words and wisdom. There is kindness out there. I have never really listened to me or acted as I should to be my best. I find doing the right thing harder than caving to my superficial need for company and validation. Thank you so much. I just want to cry but that’s a good thing.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 15/05/2023 13:48

I'm glad it helps. I've been where you are. You can get to happiness, healthy mind, strong boundaries, loving relationship. Little bit of taking care of yourself, and it's all right there for you.

CantGetDecentNickname · 15/05/2023 14:04

You know you've done the right thing in getting him to leave. You're just going though a "wobble" while you grieve for the relationship you thought you had and at the same time he was trying to worm his way back in which was making you doubt yourself.

Stand firm and don't allow him to try to manipulate his way back into your life. Please block him so he cannot contact you any longer. Watchkeys has wisely pointed out that you need to stop listening to him.

You're not an idiot. He sounds like a narcissist and serial cheater who is good at manipulating others. You need to cut him off completely. You are worth more than this.

jodie6973 · 15/05/2023 14:05

Watchkeys · 15/05/2023 13:48

I'm glad it helps. I've been where you are. You can get to happiness, healthy mind, strong boundaries, loving relationship. Little bit of taking care of yourself, and it's all right there for you.

I’m so happy you ‘got there’. Sometimes our difficulties can also be someone’s saving grace. Your words have been strong and true. Are you in the UK? Is this site UK only. I’m a bit of a novice. But what a great site for people to reach out and offer support.

OP posts:
Pinkdelight3 · 15/05/2023 14:08

Wow, @Watchkeys just made me cry with those wise words so can only imagine how it must feel to you. Please do listen - and most of all to that girl inside of you who knows the truth and knows the right thing to do. Which is to never listen to his self-serving lies ever again. Take care of yourself.