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Original poster

Excluding PIL from son’s Baptism photos

62 replies

VerasRaincoat · 14/05/2023 23:28

Hear me out. Yes it’s another in-laws (outlaws) one, but no I’m not an evil dil (I’ll elaborate afterwards).

We are having our son baptised in July. I’m paying for the whole thing as my husband isn’t religious (fair enough). I’m hiring a photographer because my husband is hopeless at taking photos, there are no nice photos of me with our son or of the three of us together and my own family who might take pictures with me actually in them, live abroad (my father’s job keeps my family constantly on the move, apart from my brother who is a godfather) and so they won’t make the ceremony.

Here in lies my issue. I have gone for a budget package for this as I’m on maternity leave. The photographer will only attend the ceremony and briefly the drinks and buffet at the restaurant afterwards. For the cheapest price I can choose ten photographs to edit and receive copyright of the images.

Now my inlaws have never taken a picture of me with my baby, when they come to visit they take pictures of themselves with the baby, with my husband and the baby, and if I’m even slightly in the frame they will ask me to move out. This is especially rude as I don’t have family in the country so it would be nice if they even attempted to acknowledge that I exist by having me in the first photos of the first visit. (I didn’t have any visits for people to see me until all his family had visited separately because they said it was “more important that all his family were able to meet the baby as that was their right”, before my best friend could come and actually support me and my husband.)

I wish I hadn’t allowed this but I was utterly wiped from a traumatic birth which needed further procedures to fix.

I know my inlaws will try to commender the photographer to do a family photo session without me (ie one of granddad/grandma with baby, one with BIL) one of all the boys etc). I want to take one picture of them grouped in the whole as a family, with me in it, because they can’t edit me out when I’m bloody paying for it and they edit me out normal, and that’s the end of it.

I want to use the other photographs on the wonderful people that are his two godfathers and godmother who supported us physically and emotionally through difficult times (his parents didn’t ), pictures of him during the ceremony, and our other wonderful guests who are our ‘village’.

My husband agrees. He doesn’t want a photo at all with them in it, he doesn’t actually like them but doesn’t want to make things awkward with his surviving grandparents (his lovely grandfathers)

Here is why I want to exclude them. My inlaws are not nice people. They are racist, sexist, homophobic you name it. They also caused a lot of stress with some nasty vicious behaviour towards me during the pregnancy and birth. (Don’t want to create a long essay, but don’t want to drip feed, I can elaborate if needed it not too outing). They also told me they think my religion is a joke. So not sure why they are even coming tbh.

A lot of this obviously is a DH issue as he should have managed the relationship better, but easier said then done if you were raised by awful overbearing parents.

Many members of his family secretly acknowledge how awful his parents are, but noone wants to rock the boat and cause them to kick off.

Can I just hand the photographer a shot list and ask him to play the bad guy? I don’t want him wasting time on photos we won’t be using. We eloped so no wedding photos. (We eloped again because his parents threw so many tantrums about how we wanted to have our wedding, that we were paying for, that we ended up just losing our deposits and eloping for the easy life!).

OP posts:
WunWun · 14/05/2023 23:31

Yanbu

DucksNewburyport · 14/05/2023 23:32

Yes go for it OP. Perfectly OK for you to specify who's in the photos. Maybe include ONE photo of them on the list, to keep them happy, and it doesn't need to be in the 10 that you eventually choose to print?

Original poster
VerasRaincoat · 14/05/2023 23:41

This is very heartening thanks @WunWun and @DucksNewburyport .

I often see daughter in laws being torn up in Facebook posts/agony aunt type things for not being the bigger person, but I’m tired of being a doormat and this ceremony is very meaningful to me but is a joke to my PILs.

I want to capture my son and the wider village that supported us through pregnancy and early parenthood.

I also guess I wondered if the photographer might think I was awful too.

OP posts:
Starcircle · 14/05/2023 23:46

I think in your shoes I would gently explain the dilemma to your photographer- just say we have a bit of a difficult relationship so please could you ensure you get these particular shots that I really want, I expect they’ll be very diplomatic!! Sorry you have this to deal with OP. I’d be inclined to go very low or no contact if they get much worse!

Original poster
VerasRaincoat · 14/05/2023 23:56

@Starcircle thank you, that’s an elegant way to ask the photographer if he can manage the situation for us. I guess they are probably used to it.

I find it very sad and shameful my relationship with my pil is so awful. I was always the girl that got on well with boyfriends parents. My last two exes I’m still on good speaking terms with not just the exes but their parents too, who still wish me a happy birthday etc years later. I never could of guessed later I would be an issue to my husbands parents.

OP posts:
Starcircle · 15/05/2023 00:01

Definitely don’t blame yourself OP! Whilst my MIL isn’t horrible she has some very strange views and turns any comment you make back to herself. Absolutely exhausting to be around. I can cope with seeing her 3-4 times a year and that’s my limit!

womble2023 · 15/05/2023 00:14

Agree with what was said above YANBU, but I am kind of curious why you are even inviting them when they are racist towards you/your religion? Sounds stressful…

SheilaFentiman · 15/05/2023 00:19

Don’t invite them if they mock your religion

Original poster
VerasRaincoat · 15/05/2023 00:23

@womble2023 I honestly don’t know. My husband getting better at realising his relationships with his family aren’t healthy is only very recent. His mother in particular has been absolutely deranged, so it was hard for him to ignore it any longer.

I invited out of politeness (again I really wish our relationship was better) and didn’t expect they’d want to come, especially as mil in particular thinks my religion is stupid and a joke. Think it’s just a chance for her/them to make trouble (they delight in starting arguments) and also to take pictures for them to post trying to look like good grandparents….

Thanks @Starcircle there is so much pressure on women to be the perfect wife, mother, daughter, dil etc etc it can feel like failure if aspects of your marriage don’t live up to these ideals.

OP posts:
Original poster
VerasRaincoat · 15/05/2023 00:28

I sadly can’t uninvite them (they’d just turn up on the day and make a scene) @SheilaFentiman , but if you have any good comebacks if they try say anything nasty the day of baptism, I’d welcome any snappy come backs. I’m so fed up of my religion being a joke to them. I’m not massively religious but it’s part of my culture. I don’t impose it on other people ;(with exception of my son and he can choose when he’s older, if he wishes to continue with our faith or not) and my husband and I (he’s an atheist) don’t find it an issue so perplexed why she (and his nuclear) does. 🤔

OP posts:
tribpot · 15/05/2023 00:53

I would mention this to the photographer as there will be limited time, but I imagine the photographer will take a fair few images from which you will select your favourite 10? So (assuming that is how it works) I would get all the shots you actually want, then let the photographer take some of them if they insist and then alas you will discover that you are choosing only photos that have the actual child's parents in them.

I'd have them in one big group shot with the grandfathers etc.

DPotter · 15/05/2023 01:32

rather than have the stress of this at the baptism - could you go to the photographer's studio or maybe have a session in your home, inviting the godparents only ?

As for them being nasty about your religion - tell your priest / paster / vicar and he / she can speak to this during the service

Quitelikeacatslife · 15/05/2023 01:41

State to the photographer I writing which 10 photos you want, it is in his interest to only provide you with those . If he takes any others out of that then that is on him, he may choose to take extras hoping that other family members will buy them. Up to you if you choose to offer them but your contract is for the 10 you want only. You should be able to relax that he will get the photos you want.
I'd let them take pics themselves on the day, with or without you , who cares if it is for their use.

Gallathea · 15/05/2023 01:45

Yanbu

You're paying for the photos, explain to the photographer and also make it clear that you won't pay for any photos which include anyone not on the pre-agreed list.

Good luck!

Wenfy · 15/05/2023 01:48

Photographers take many, many photos. It is then up to you to choose your 10 so it doesn’t have to be a nightmare. But you could let the photographer know which photos you want & get them to announce them & tell them to go to a trusted friend before taking any photos just to make sure

custardbear · 15/05/2023 05:12

I'd give the photographer the list you want, if there's time afterwards your PIL can do their own thing but pay themselves for extra images
Good luck

aloris · 15/05/2023 05:43

When we had a situation where a professional photographer had limited time and budget, what we were asked to do was to choose a limited number of groupings. The photographer in our case did not take hundreds of pics, she took a limited number of photos and limited the variations in what photos she took. If you allow your MIL to have any say in what groupings are photographed, you will end up being excluded from 80% of the resulting photos, as your MIL will vacuum up all the photographer's time.

I think you want to go in with a clear plan so there is no room for her to get a word in edgewise or to ease you out of the pictures. You might consider making a list ahead of time of what groupings you want, and then asking the photographer to photograph only those groupings. For example, one group shot of everyone, and then ask the photographer to herd away everyone except you, your husband, the baby, the godparents, the minister, etc. And then just get him to work from a list you've made in advance of the 10 shots you want: you and baby, husband and baby, you/husband/baby by the baptism font, you/husband/baby by the flower garden, husband standing/you sitting holding baby, etc, baby and minister, baby and godparents, you/husband/baby/minister/godparents, etc, whatever groups YOU want. If you have friends who are willing, you might have them involve your in-laws in conversation just as the photographer is getting started, create a distraction kind of thing.

Another option is to have the photographer come early so you get the photos you want BEFORE mil arrives.

Clymene · 15/05/2023 05:48

Tell the photographer you want you and your husband in every single photo. You're paying for the photographers time.

And I'm so sorry they're such horrible people.

Sunbird24 · 15/05/2023 05:59

No OP, it’s your baby’s christening and you’re paying for the photographer, so you’re absolutely entitled to make sure you get the pictures that you want. I’d also suggest having a couple of people ready to help prevent the outlaws hogging the baby in order to take all their own photos, maybe the godparents? Let them hold him for a set period of time, maybe even hand him to them early on to make sure they get some photos done (their own cameras, not your photographer!) so they’ve got no excuse for trying to take baby off on their own after that, but then you take him back, and from then on they get intercepted any time it looks like they’re trying to take him away from you. Having a game plan in advance and a team on side to run defence will make it less stressful for you on the day.

SmirnoffIceIsNice · 15/05/2023 06:01

I agree, speak to the photographer and be clear about the pictures you want. Warn them that they may get pressure from other family members to take different shots but remind the photographer you will not be buying any of those shots.

On the day, if you get a negative comment about your faith, remind your in-laws that this is a religious event, and I'd they don't believe then they're free to leave whenever they want to.

pecantoucan · 15/05/2023 06:07

Starcircle · 14/05/2023 23:46

I think in your shoes I would gently explain the dilemma to your photographer- just say we have a bit of a difficult relationship so please could you ensure you get these particular shots that I really want, I expect they’ll be very diplomatic!! Sorry you have this to deal with OP. I’d be inclined to go very low or no contact if they get much worse!

I would agree with this. Write a list for photographer. If you can spare one of the 10 I would do one with his parents (and you obviously) can't believe they crop you out.

This way you are acting as any parent would with grandparents they have invited.

piedbeauty · 15/05/2023 06:07

I don't like the sound of your h. Even if he's useless at taking photos, he should be able to take photos of you with a phone? Not difficult.

Even though he's not religious, he will still be attending the baptism so why are you paying for it all?

And he should be standing up for you against his parents (eg after your ds was born).

piedbeauty · 15/05/2023 06:10

I'm glad your h is getting better at dealing with his PIL not the best thing might be for him to have counselling and to go NC/LC.

If I were you I wouldn't have invited them.

People like this rely on other people being too polite to call them out on their bad behaviour and tell them to fuck off. It's time someone did this to your PIL.

Snappy comebacks: ' don't be rude about my religion. If you don't like it, the door is there. You're free to go.'

Totalwasteofpaper · 15/05/2023 06:26

Yanbu but this is a non event.

photographers are used to this. Just brief the photographer clearly on the 10 to cover and explain pil will try and commander them and to nicely move them on.
Photographer will likely take a few snaps of them -fine dont pick them as your final 10.
If pil want the pictures give them the photographers details and let them buy them.

Ps. Your DH sounds like a real peach.. ignoring the failure to manage his family he is unable to take a photo and is not financially contributing to the christening while you are on mat leave. What a prince among men...

piedbeauty · 15/05/2023 06:30

I'm glad your h is getting better at dealing with his PIL BUT the best thing might be for him to have counselling and to go NC/LC.

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