Excluding PIL from son’s Baptism photos

[VerasRaincoat]

Hear me out. Yes it’s another in-laws (outlaws) one, but no I’m not an evil dil (I’ll elaborate afterwards).

We are having our son baptised in July. I’m paying for the whole thing as my husband isn’t religious (fair enough). I’m hiring a photographer because my husband is hopeless at taking photos, there are no nice photos of me with our son or of the three of us together and my own family who might take pictures with me actually in them, live abroad (my father’s job keeps my family constantly on the move, apart from my brother who is a godfather) and so they won’t make the ceremony.

Here in lies my issue. I have gone for a budget package for this as I’m on maternity leave. The photographer will only attend the ceremony and briefly the drinks and buffet at the restaurant afterwards. For the cheapest price I can choose ten photographs to edit and receive copyright of the images.

Now my inlaws have never taken a picture of me with my baby, when they come to visit they take pictures of themselves with the baby, with my husband and the baby, and if I’m even slightly in the frame they will ask me to move out. This is especially rude as I don’t have family in the country so it would be nice if they even attempted to acknowledge that I exist by having me in the first photos of the first visit. (I didn’t have any visits for people to see me until all his family had visited separately because they said it was “more important that all his family were able to meet the baby as that was their right”, before my best friend could come and actually support me and my husband.)

I wish I hadn’t allowed this but I was utterly wiped from a traumatic birth which needed further procedures to fix.

I know my inlaws will try to commender the photographer to do a family photo session without me (ie one of granddad/grandma with baby, one with BIL) one of all the boys etc). I want to take one picture of them grouped in the whole as a family, with me in it, because they can’t edit me out when I’m bloody paying for it and they edit me out normal, and that’s the end of it.

I want to use the other photographs on the wonderful people that are his two godfathers and godmother who supported us physically and emotionally through difficult times (his parents didn’t ), pictures of him during the ceremony, and our other wonderful guests who are our ‘village’.

My husband agrees. He doesn’t want a photo at all with them in it, he doesn’t actually like them but doesn’t want to make things awkward with his surviving grandparents (his lovely grandfathers)

Here is why I want to exclude them. My inlaws are not nice people. They are racist, sexist, homophobic you name it. They also caused a lot of stress with some nasty vicious behaviour towards me during the pregnancy and birth. (Don’t want to create a long essay, but don’t want to drip feed, I can elaborate if needed it not too outing). They also told me they think my religion is a joke. So not sure why they are even coming tbh.

A lot of this obviously is a DH issue as he should have managed the relationship better, but easier said then done if you were raised by awful overbearing parents.

Many members of his family secretly acknowledge how awful his parents are, but noone wants to rock the boat and cause them to kick off.

Can I just hand the photographer a shot list and ask him to play the bad guy? I don’t want him wasting time on photos we won’t be using. We eloped so no wedding photos. (We eloped again because his parents threw so many tantrums about how we wanted to have our wedding, that we were paying for, that we ended up just losing our deposits and eloping for the easy life!).

You put this very well. 'I'm not very religious, but my religion is part of my culture and is meaningful for me. The jokes about it need to stop.'

Disrespecting something linked to your heritage and culture is a way of picking away at everything you are. It's snide and disrespectful and you need to call that kind of thing out, clearly, and with other people around. I promise it won't be you that comes out badly.

If 1 of your 10 photos is a big group one including the PIL make sure you with baby are in the middle so they can't physically crop you out later. And when they display it to show everyone what fabulous grandparents they are you've got a small silent victory right there for all the previous shit.

Blimey, who, apart from the Royal family, has an official photographer at a baptism???
Apart from all that, the photographer will take loads of photos, send you the proofs and you will select an agreed number from those proofs. So instead of spending the day ensuring that your DSs grandparents aren't on the photos, leave the photographer to it!

Just woke up so going through the replies.

To answer a comment/question. My husband isn’t contributing because, he is an staunch atheist and the christening is completely my thing, the godparents are my friends and brother, all the guests except his parents sibling and his partner are my friends. Also I’m by far the higher earner and have savings, I absolutely didn’t want him to contribute because it’s my thing, while on a budget I’m definitely spending more than my husband would for this sort of thing and it’s not his choice to do this.

My husband wasn’t originally coming, (he thought it would be disrespectful as an atheist) but he now sees that it’s a rite of passage in my culture so he doesn’t want our son to think he’s not supportive of that side of his family/culture.

He definitely has let me down many times for not managing the relationship with his parents well but he’s been getting much better. It’s a big thing to come to terms with having awful parents and learning how to manage them.

Some posters mentioned letting them take photos and then not buying them, I don’t want to take up the photographers time, and also don’t want pils to hog the baby as many friends came from abroad for the christening and I want them to meet him.

They also will tantrum until they are given copies of these photos, or hound the photographer and I don’t want pictures at their house on my dime with me not in them.

some great tips from posters on how to manage this with the photographers help. Thanks so much.

Just from an alternate point of view - I am the only person left in my family. All I have left are photos and they are so valuable. These people (although they sound awful) are part of your sons story and one day, in many years to come, he may appreciate a photo of them

Oh and the photographer will take lots of photos and then you choose the 10 you want. Many people will end up buying more as they cannot decide!

@Soontobe60 every baptism/christening I’ve been to has had one. I want my son to have the same photographs that all babies in our family have down through the generations.

Also we eloped and our wedding was peanuts to avoid his loopy family, so it would be nice to have some professional pictures of us, our son and the godparents to look back on.

In your shoes, I would cancel the baptism and rearrange without inviting the PiL. Even without the photo issue, their toxic presence would turn a happy occasion into a stressful one. I would also go very LC with them in future.

@LittleBlueBrioTrain he will have a picture of him with his grandparents and uncle, but it will have me in it.

I’m not paying for his family to take over and use it as a family photo shoot and exclude me, as they always do from pictures with my own son.

Also because of my budget the time is very limited so we need to get through the shot list quickly, not waste time taking pictures I’ll never buy.

I wish I could @CameltoeParkerBowles (great name by the way!)

I’ve already paid for everything. I’m going to enlist I think as another poster said friends to manage his parents so I don’t have to interact with them.

If you get 10 photos as part of the package, is it possible for people to individually purchase their own? So to save excess drama, add a DH family photo to the shot list but let them know up front that if they want to see it/print it, they'll have to contact the photographer to pay for it themselves? Sometimes photographers will include a 'pay as you go' option.

Give photographer a list of what you want for your 10 photographs. Tell him you’re not interested in other photographs and just want these 10.

I would also try to enlist the help of your wider friends/priest. They sound as if they value their image so a couple of people swooping down on them directly after the service might give you the chance you need. I would also try to get photos before with you, god parents etc. The photographer will be used to such issues from weddings etc. and knows you are paying.

Speak with your photographer, trust me they will of heard it all before (dh is a wedding photographer). My dh would happily follow a shot list, in fact some insist on a list and only take those shots.
Even if the photographer takes pictures of them, don’t pick them and direct them to contact the photographer to order and pay for their own copy.

In terms of comebacks... I wouldn't. A completely blank silence, a moment of eye contact and changing the subject means you take control and don't engage with their nastiness.

If someone else responds on your behalf, you could try something like 'oh Jane says things like that' in a very flat tone. Basically fight fire with dry ice.

Yes and if there are family shots of DHs family they can arrange separately to purchase. Not to be included in the package of 10. Photographer can take mums email so you’re not involved.

If you are allowing one shot for them, I'd also leave it until last as they are bound to try to start directing

Yanbu - and giving the photographer a shot list is very sensible.

There are already lots of photos of the in laws with the baby, the job of the photographer is to get all the shots with the people who won't often be together.

Photographers will often take more than they are being paid for in the hopes that you will buy more than you were expecting. You give him the shot list and say those are the 10 groupings that you will be buying. If this was a wedding then there would be no harm in him then choosing (without your instruction and so with no further fee) to take a few more poses if particular guests ask it, in case those guests want to buy some - but in this case any such extras would require your baby as a "prop" and that's not fair.

So the photographer must just say "I've got a shot list I am being paid for, we can add that at the end if there is time" for any and all extra requests. Then when those 10 groupings are done baby will need a change or a feed and sadly there will not in fact be time.

@gardeninggloves and @Flufs I only have the photographer for a very short time, I want them only to focus on getting the shots I want.

Even if the photographer did have more time for a more expensive package or if allowed them to buy photos from the photographer directly, I don’t want them hogging the baby for a private photoshoot where I’m excluded. They don’t get to be so incredibly rude to me, then edit me out of my own son’s christening that I’m paying for on my own.

@Orders76 that’s a very good idea.

On a separate issue, as you won't have a photographer in your life professionally snapping day to day photos, get your Dh to look up on Youtube how to take good photos. What makes a good photo etc and hopefully utilising the settings on his phone to do this.

We were lucky enough that we had friends who did wedding photography and enjoyed chatting about how to get good photos. This was back in the 90s so long before YouTube came along. Dh takes some incredible photos. As it is all digital you can take so many photos and delete as many as you hate. Also definitely do lots of little videos and some narration to them too. Maybe film your child on the morning of the christening and talk about what will be happening, what you like about his outfit. My youngest child is now 17 years old so they like looking back on this sort of thing and that was when we were filming on camcorders!

That is actually a really great idea. I might get him to take a wee course to learn. Because my family don’t live in the country I’m not getting all those lovely family photos and candids that my husbands family take of themselves and of my husband with our son.

He doesn’t mean to take awful pictures he just has no eye for what makes a nice picture.

Also love the idea of a film on the day, that’s really special. I’m definitely going to that, my son will then have a lovely video of his parents and all my friends and his godparents that love him. I thought I can’t afford a videographer, but didn’t think of my iPhone! 😀

I think it would also be helpful for my husband and myself to have a script, of what to say when she asks for extra photos. She will push and push till she gets what she wants.

Just echoing everything said before, plus you say they'd hog the baby for photos. Simple answer to that. Don't hand the baby to them at all. Tell anyone you do hand the baby to that under no circumstances are they to give the baby to PIL, stating it because they are utter hateful nut jobs whom you are just tolerating.

Honesty pays. Your friends will understand and help.

Hope you have a lovely day.

As someone with similar sounding in-laws and a similar sounding birth, and those same regrets about letting them ruin the early days, I’d be doing anything I could to stop them coming and not let this be another thing I regretted in six months…

But if you’re determined to go ahead like this, and your photographer is a professional, they’ll have dealt with this type of situation before. At our wedding, they basically repeated that they had a priority list to finish first and would come and find whoever was asking when they were finished if there was time, which worked.

The bigger concern may be that if they’re racist, abusive and argumentative, and they behave that way towards the photographer, the photographer may just leave. They’d be within their rights to do so.

Otherwise I’d stick to your guns. There’s no way my MiL would have just one photo, she’d take over the whole thing, and then she’d harass the photographer to get more/buy extra/see the library. Have you got an agreement with the photographer that the library of photos will only be sent to you?