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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My DC don’t want to see their Dad anymore.

74 replies

Whattod · 14/05/2023 20:25

In a really tricky situation. DC are 11, 12 and 13 and don’t want to see their Dad anymore. We separated 7 years ago and he moved straight in with someone he’d just met within weeks of our split and her 2 DC. They live in a very small 2 bedroom house so there’s no space for DC to sleep over. They did sleep over after we initially split for a couple of years but it reached a point where DC were just so upset every time they left and returned home, it didn’t seem worth it. When they stayed over they had to sleep on blankets on the floor because they had no spare room or beds for them too so that was an issue. They never wanted to go even then but I always thought a relationship with him was important so made them go. I asked him regularly to try getting a bigger house so they could stay over but it’s never been a priority for him, they’re still in that house even though her DC are now 11 and 15 and different sexes…

Since lockdown, time with him has dropped down to EOW for a few hours. DC are now protesting every single time they have to go and asking why I’m making them go. There’s no court order in place and ex wouldn’t go down that route because of funds. Even if he did, I’m sure a court would take DC’s POV into consideration but I just want them to have a relationship with him so I find it very sad.

Reasons they don’t want to go: they never actually do anything or go anywhere, they just sit around in his house watching TV or playing games. He doesn’t feed them adequate food and the food he does give them is ‘horrible’ (lunch tends to always be a sandwich, a biscuit and a piece of fruit then tea is most often a tiny bit of chicken and a few vegetables). They return home starving every time so I have to feed them. If he does take them anywhere (rare), it’s just to walk around shops for hours not buying anything. The only things they do buy are for themselves or her children, never buy DC anything so they’re essentially dragged around shops to watch them buy things for her children. His reason for not taking them anywhere is that he can’t afford it but then he does weird things like taking them to shops this weekend to waste £100 in a shop on absolute crap (nothing for DC obvs).

Their relationship with his partner is also tricky. She’s very different to me, she shouts and swears a lot which DC have never liked. When they were younger and stayed over she used to get very angry at them and aggressive over things like getting upset because they missed me. She isn’t the most pleasant of people tbh. They don’t mind her children nowadays so much but didn’t get on when they were younger so that was another cause of conflict.

I’m not really sure what to do because they’re all saying it’s shit boring at his house and they don’t want to travel there every other weekend just to sit there bored and that they don’t get the point in going. Apparently he doesn’t talk much to them either, doesn’t ask how they’re doing etc and they do literally just sit there watching TV or playing games for a few hours not really being fed then come home. I’m thinking about asking him if we can all meet up and discuss it because DC aren’t comfortable enough to tell him how they feel, is this a good idea? I feel bad making them go when they dislike it so much.

OP posts:

Orangebadger · 14/05/2023 20:31

Well I don't blame them at all for not wanting to go. It's sounds awful and really a total waste of time. And that they have to sleep on the floor and don't get fed sufficient food is totally unacceptable.

I would just tell him what they have told you and see what his response is, or if he has any suggestions like meeting them somewhere for a day out. Picking up and dropping off and going out for the day instead. But he doesn't strike me that he's the type to do this?

Thisisworsethananticpated · 14/05/2023 20:33

Hes reaping what he sowed now

he now has a choice

step up , make an effort and do stuff with them
or accept he loses them

this also sucks for you a bit it as no respite ?
its sad but - they are going to be so much happier not going there . It sounds SHIT for them x trust me it’s going to be way better for them now

HT56 · 14/05/2023 20:35

Just go with what they want. To be hiebst they are all getting older now anyway and even teens who live at home with both parents rarely want to spend time with them. If he wants to retain a relationship with them then he will have to make the effort to take them for tea or the cinema or something. I doubt he will from your description though

SapatSea · 14/05/2023 20:36

Do what your DC want end this abusive existence for them.
It sounds utterly miserable and has been for years. I don't know why you would want them all to meet up to discuss it and make the DC confront him.

Why were you so determined to make them sleepover etc. when younger when it doesn't sound like your ex can even be arsed to interact with his DC? Just what ahve they got from the rl? It must be soul destroying watching him interact and buy things for his replacement family and being treated as second class citizens.

SausageMonkey2 · 14/05/2023 20:36

Don’t make them go. They’re old enough to decide.

Grumpusaurus · 14/05/2023 20:40

Stop the visits and respect their wishes.

RedHelenB · 14/05/2023 20:43

I don't think it should come from you. When your children are ready they'll say what they want to. In the meantime, they are of an age to choose so if they don't want to go then they don't have to.

P1ckledonionz · 14/05/2023 20:48

Just let them stop the visits. And stop gaslighting your children - of course they don't want to spend time with someone who is happy to hurt them - what he is doing is neglect and withholding of care and love to the point of being abusive. Don't let them think this is what a relationship is! Listen to them and validate what they are saying because their instincts are spot on.

FromDespairToHere · 14/05/2023 20:58

My DD is 23 and hasn't spoken to her DF for 7 years, since she was 16. She'd spent the previous 5 years begging me not to make her go every fortnight but I did make her because I thought it was the right thing to do.

She says she understands that I made her go and she forgives me but she wishes I hadn't. I wish I hadn't too. I don't know if that helps you in any way.

FromDespairToHere · 14/05/2023 21:01

And just to add: what she's told me isn't half as bad as what your DC are putting up with. She at least spent her time at his parents house (he never ever spent time with her on his own) and she still a good relationship with them

Lostinplaces · 14/05/2023 21:01

He’s neglectful and she’s emotionally abusive. The fact you let them be subjected to that astounds me.

Original poster

Whattod · 14/05/2023 21:08

I can’t control the relationship he chose to have after we separated or the house he chose to live in or the way he chooses to parent (or not parent) our DC. I always wanted them to have a relationship with him because I felt it was important to facilitate that and he wasn’t a bad Father prior to our split either. I’ve honestly just been at a loss as to how I should handle the situation for years now.

Stopped the sleepovers and contact has reduced so now it’s 12 hours a month basically. I think they would ultimately like to have a relationship with him but they don’t like his partner and find his house very boring but he won’t do anything with them so that’s their main problem. I don’t think he will change though, it’s been 7 years so hard to believe he ever will alter this situation.

OP posts:

Original poster

Whattod · 14/05/2023 21:10

FromDespairToHere · 14/05/2023 20:58

She says she understands that I made her go and she forgives me but she wishes I hadn't. I wish I hadn't too. I don't know if that helps you in any way.

That is helpful, thank you. I hope my DC don’t grow up resentful that I made them go. I know they would like to see their Dad ultimately, they just don’t want to always sit around bored at his house and they’re not keen on his partner either.

OP posts:

Liorae · 14/05/2023 21:13

I asked him regularly to try getting a bigger house so they could stay over but it’s never been a priority for him, they’re still in that house even though her DC are now 11 and 15 and different sexes…
And he didn't pull a bigger house out of his ass?

Original poster

Whattod · 15/05/2023 07:41

Liorae · 14/05/2023 21:13

Not really sure what the use of this comment is.

It was his choice to move into a house where he knew his own children couldn’t comfortably stay over, weeks after we split. He’s made zero effort since to find a bigger home so he could have his children overnight because it isn’t a priority. He prioritises different things like spending £100 on absolute tat in front of his children whilst simultaneously protesting that he’s skint so can’t take them anywhere better.

OP posts:

DustyLee123 · 15/05/2023 07:46

I had a step mum who disliked me for some reason, I suspect because she missed out when my DF had time with me. I would never ever force my children to be with someone they didn’t want to see, it’s awful to go through. The fact that your children have had to sleep on the floor and listen to her swearing is not good enough, I can sympathise with them.

Original poster

Whattod · 15/05/2023 07:49

DustyLee123 · 15/05/2023 07:46

I’m sorry you went through this.

Ex has never spent time just with DC on his own since we split, she is always there with her children. When they were younger I did challenge this a couple of times, I said I think they’d really appreciate some time just with you and that they didn’t particularly get along with his partner or her children. He said he didn’t want to feel like he had two separate lives .

I know they’d love to have a relationship just with him but it’s always him, her and her DC. I can’t force him to spend time with them on his own so I’m at a loss. He doesn’t drive either but she does so he uses this as a further excuse.

OP posts:

Pusheengirl2023 · 15/05/2023 07:52

@Whattod This sounds very similar to what Is happening to me with my child. Been refusing since 2022 and it’s being made out to be me stopping them from going. My child’s states issues with fathers new partner and family and he refuses to accept that. Sounds very similar to your problem. Haven’t a clue what to do myself but I can tell you that you have done what you thought was the best thing at the time!

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 15/05/2023 07:56

Wjo is arranging the visits. Does he contact you to make arrangements and INVITE them, or is it all up to you?

If it’s the latter, I just let it drop quietly. It doesn’t sound as ifDC will be clamouring to go! If he does get in contact and invite them, ask them if it’s convenient/ they want to go.

It isn’t up to you to run around after this guy.

Babymamamama · 15/05/2023 07:57

I can relate as my DC has similar with her father. The fact your DC had to sleep on blankets on the floor is inexcusable what’s wrong with a couple of blow up mattresses or a futon or whatever. Or even give up your own bedroom when your DC come over if you want to make them feel truly welcome. My DC has refused to sleep over for a couple of years now. The dad could have done so much more but that would mean putting someone else’s needs above his own. And he doesn’t have that ability sadly which is why ultimately I’m not with him.

womanwithissues · 15/05/2023 08:10

I understand that you think your kids having a relationship with him is important. But he clearly doesn't think it's important. They're old enough to decide and not be pushed into seeing him. It's your ex's loss. Don't stand in the way of him seeing them, but don't do the work for him or force your kids.

My ex pretty much did the same thing. He chose his new GF over his kids. That's his choice, and the consequence is that 3/4 of his kids have little contact now.

MayThe4th · 15/05/2023 08:15

IMO it’s a difficult balance.

As much as it’s easy for people to say to just not send the kids, at 11 and 12 they just don’t have the emotional capacity to realise what destroying a relationship with a parent means. But by the same token they should be able to express how they feel.

If they’re old enough to decide not to want to go then they’re old enough to tell their father they’re not going. My DS stopped staying at his dad’s when he was 14. But his dad knew the reasons why, and they had to maintain a relationship away from his house. But I always encouraged him to go before that, because at 11/12 cutting off a parent is a massive step which they don’t understand the implications of at that age.

If they don’t want to go, then they are the ones who need to tell him. As hard as it is for them and for you it’s not for you to make those decisions for them or to be the one to confront your ex.

Seaoftroubles · 15/05/2023 08:36

I find it hard to believe you have made your children go and endure such miserable conditions when they were still very little. How did that benefit them in any way? They continually asked you not to send them, so please listen to them now. If your ex wants to see them he can make the effort and come and take them out for the day instead, and if he can't be bothered it doesn't sound like a great loss to them.

TableTime99 · 15/05/2023 08:38

Stop sending them, communicate to him why and what he needs to do before he can resume contact (you're giving him a chance then) and if he doesn't do it, you sit tight, wait for a court application if he decides to make one, then let the kids explain to the courts why they don't want to go. That's what I would do anyway.

Original poster

Whattod · 15/05/2023 08:40

It’s just a habitual thing now. EOW he expects to see them so when I collect them he will say ‘it will be the Saturday/Sunday next time’ and that’s how it goes.

He randomly decided to source a sofa bed a few months ago and expected DC to jump on the idea of sleeping on it. They all pulled a sour face when I told them and rolled their eyes. He expected DD’s (11 and 12) to share the sofa bed which they did not want to do and DS to have her DD’s bed when she goes to see her own Dad which he didn’t want to do either because he didn’t want to share a room with her DS. He was quite perturbed when I explained they didn’t want to do this. No idea why he thought of this ‘solution’ after half a decade. He just does weird things like this.

OP posts:

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