Guy showing interest now I'm slimmer - what to think?

[unsurefornow]

[Name change] What would you think if this happened to you?

I've slimmed down a fair bit just through being more active since the pandemic ended.

Now an old acquaintance is flirting and showing interest in me. Granted, perhaps nothing may come of it but part of me thinks: "You weren't interested in me before, so it's very superficial now and you don't like me for me". On the other hand I admit I wasn't looking my best before, although I wouldn't say I look that different now but men do seem to notice (if you're someone who looks great at a bigger weight please don't be offended, I never did carry my weight well; I know others look great).

Somehow I feel like if he genuinely liked me, he would have liked me before, though 🤔

How would you feel in my position?

I don’t expect anyone to be attracted to someone who doesn’t appear to take care of themselves. I do understand why you feel wary of his attentions though. Are you attracted to him?

Yes, I am but I think I was invisible to him before although we were friendly.

Attraction is in part physical, it doesn't mean its superficial and it doesn't mean he didn't like you as a person at a heavier weight. I'm not particularly attracted to people below a certain height or over a certain size, it doesn't mean I don't like those people tho?

I would feel similarly but I'm afraid it's basic human nature to fancy people who look better. It's not about them being better or worse humans or shallow - it really is a subconscious thing you can't control. People are nicer to people who look better. Loads of experiments to say the same.

If you like him I'd just go for it, why not.

I lost about ten stone and was horrified how differently people treated me. The difference from both sexes was stark. Natural thought

Logically if it was shallow to only fancy someone when they looked good, we'd all wear portable tents and beekeepers hats or something, to stop people noting our appearance until they'd fallen for our personalities 🤷‍♀️
I would be pleased in your shoes. We fancy who we fancy and it's not superficial to only become romantically interested in someone when you are sexually attracted to them as well. Sometimes you see someone with new eyes when they've had a makeover or got into shape. Once we've "bonded" with a partner we tend to continue seeing their good points even as time and circumstances take the polish off. But putting that polish on in the first place signals lots of things, including that you're prepared to make an effort.

I can understand how you feel, when you’ve known the person as a before and the after image.

It’s logical that people have certain types they’re attracted to though. But I wouldn’t blame you for not wanting to pursue this new man and only going for people who meet you as you currently are.

Also you're probably more confident, a bit flirtier, dress in a more colourful or fashionable way, show interest in others more because you don't fear rejection in the same way, have more energy and do more - so that will be a factor.

I totally get you my husband will not have sex with me large, even though I have medical reasons for weight gain. Always look nice when go out. So I will not have sex with him when slimmer so that's my marriage over. My ex sleeps with all types as he is not the most handsome hates when women are just after his money and like genuine people not Barbie dolls.

Aww @JessieLongleg that sounds really tough 😔

I'm reading everyone's thoughts and taking them in! The thing is, would I like him at a bigger weight? Yes, I think I would. It's a bit one-sided, isn't it? For fatter and for thinner, that's want I want him to feel lol

But evidently he doesn't

If you like him, just see how it goes - you're not committing to marrying him. If a serious relationship developed, you could talk about his attitude to weight and so on.

I’ve been slim, large, awful, slim again abs an’all - and I have to say it’s wonderful when a partner loves you for who you are and not your size. Dh makes me feel beautiful even when I gained weight with kids and during lockdown we enjoyed ourselves and cooked and ate and gained so much weight. Maybe I carry the weight well, but thank goodness he didn’t make me feel ugly. We sort of found it funny. He gained a belly too. But I can’t imagine my interest in anyone being only physical.

If you go out with him, it means you agree with him that you were ‘less than’ you are now. You are beautiful whatever your size.

My concern would be what happens if you gain the weight back?

What if you went out with him, and broke your leg or something and had to rest up, or ate too much during Xmas?

It’s okay for him to feel more attracted to you now, but it’s also okay for you to decide he’s not for you. My weight fluctuates so I prefer the security of being with someone who isn’t only attracted to me at a specific size.

No, I wouldn't. I don't think it's particularly shallow, but I wouldn't be able to get past the same guy ignoring me when I was bigger then being keen when I was thinner.

I don't think its unusual or necessarily wrong to suddenly find someone attractive based on a change in their appearance. I once dated a nice guy I'd not thought of in that way, until he went travelling and came back tanned, toned and with a great new hair cut, and I thought wow, now I fancy you as well as like you!
I think because weight can be so emotive and political for women we can sometimes see this as being indicative of a bad attitudes, when it might be as simple as finding your overall look more appealing now. Which is just about preference and taste.

Could your mood, outlook and/or demeanour have changed after becoming more active and healthy? You may have a more attractive personality now as well as being more physically appealing to him.

It doesn't mean he didn't like you before, just that he maybe didn't fancy you before.

Years ago I had a friend I really liked but didn't fancy. Till he cut his hair and then wow, he looked a million times hotter than he did before! It wasn't me being shallow, he just looked so different and much more attractive so his 'new look' coupled with his already lovely personality was a winning combination!

I wouldn’t want to go out with someone who had at some point known me and not fancied me. You’ll meet someone who fancies you from the word go and continues to do so whatever happens.

For a second I thought this was my old thread!
Literally, I asked about this same thing few months ago.

Just wanted to say I feel your pain/confussion.
I can’t tell you what to do, but just from my personal experience I can telm you that I ended up saying no.
I just couldn't trust him, or that his intentions were good.
And I was very happy with the choice I made and moved on.
(And he jumped after some other girl on instant, so double happy with my decision).

How can you ever trust him? What if you gain the weight back? Then what? At least you already know his shallow.

It's so painful to feel this way, to think I am going to avoid someone I like because I know it's not real.

Same here

It's one to let go, really, isn't it? Unless it were just for a casual fling but I don't do that.