Guy showing interest now I'm slimmer - what to think?

[unsurefornow]

[Name change] What would you think if this happened to you?

I've slimmed down a fair bit just through being more active since the pandemic ended.

Now an old acquaintance is flirting and showing interest in me. Granted, perhaps nothing may come of it but part of me thinks: "You weren't interested in me before, so it's very superficial now and you don't like me for me". On the other hand I admit I wasn't looking my best before, although I wouldn't say I look that different now but men do seem to notice (if you're someone who looks great at a bigger weight please don't be offended, I never did carry my weight well; I know others look great).

Somehow I feel like if he genuinely liked me, he would have liked me before, though 🤔

How would you feel in my position?

Sorry you went through that @AmITooTired . At least you feel confident in your decision. Did you ever like him back and did you like him when you were bigger, too?

I don’t understand the issue.
He liked you before but didn’t find you attractive. Now you’ve lost weight he finds you attractive. You make it sound as if his feelings of liking you aren’t valid, because he didn’t ask you out when you were fat. But we can’t all fancy everyone whose personality we like, or we’d all be bisexual and shagging everybody!!

It’s a weird MN rule that all men should fancy fat women, otherwise they’re nasty and shallow. But really, physical attraction isn’t something we can control.

I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. It might be that you come across differently having lost weight, and that your new found confidence made you suddenly more attractive.

There is a big difference between being in a relationship and weight fluctuation - and subsequent changes in attraction (or not).

And knowing someone casually, not being interested in dating them, and then seeing them in different light. Happens all the time. Most women when they lose weight - feel more confident, which is really attractive to men. Plus you start dressing better and generally start taking care of yourself more. This makes you more ‘visible’ - as if there is a spotlight on you. And it sort of sends a signal out that you are dating/open to dating, etc.
So - it’s only natural that men notice and react.
Initial stages of dating are more visually driven - as attraction needs to be established and people are drawn to each other.

As to what happens in a long term relationship if someone’s appearance changes. It depends. And there are many threads on here about it.
We all age, of course. And our bodies change. And we don’t lose attraction when these changes are within some sort of ‘normal & expected’ change.
But most people would struggle with partners drastic changes in appearance - if they stop taking care of themselves; if hygiene slips; if they balloon (not due to medical condition), etc. It has nothing to do with loving them for their personality. You can love someone and not be attracted.

Attraction usually IS physical at first till you get to know someone. You're really overthinking this and possibly excluding a partner because you think he should fancy you however you look.

After you've made a bond and committed to each other yes, but otherwise no. If he'd really got to know you before he might have fallen for you as you were but you said you were just acquaintances.

@unsurefornow - you’re going to avoid him cos you think it’s not real? But as pp have said, you’re different now aren’t you? Much more get up and go, you should be feeling more confident and proud of your achievements in slimming down and exercising, maybe he admires your efforts? Maybe he’s a bit sporty and likes the new you? Don’t write him off without maybe a trial?!

He may well feel that, now he's seen you with fancying eyes. Once we become a couple it's different - generally we carry on fancying people but within limits.
My partner and I knew each other for ages but there was no fancying. Then life changed, we both changed, it started, and it was like a fire spreading 😁

This sounds like the ultimate self-sabotage. Attraction isn't fake just because it took a change to trigger it.

At some point I did have a crush on him.
We were friends for quite some time before my weight loss.

What made it easier for me was the fact that I was just SO put off by the fact that he jumped the opportunity the moment he saw me after weight loss (I was a way for some months, came back and he was suddenly all over me).
It was just too obvious.

It was sad actually, we were close/good friends, hang out just the two of us, but I weren’t ’good enough’ before the weight loss.
That made me sad more than anything else.

Honestly op. This all seems a bit ridiculous to me. So he liked you as a person when you were fat but didn't fancy you. Now you look different he fancies you as well as likes you and you fancy and like him back.

You need to be realistic here and say that lots of people wouldn't fancy someone who was fat from the start.
You fancy what your fancy. It's chemical and remember are you going to show all potential new partners a picture of fatter you and ask them would they have dated you like that before you go out with them.

It's a big bad world out there and you have met someone you like and fancy who fancies you back. Imo it doesn't happen every day so grab the chance and see where it leads

Difference here though is that you got together when you were slimmer, and continue to find each other attractive as you age together. That is normal. But it doesn't mean the initial chemistry would have been there if one or both of you had met when larger - it's impossible to know really. But just as an aside, lovely to hear about a flourishing relationship 😁

That's such a shame @JessieLongleg ,but do you think he's refusing to have sex with you to "punish" you for gaining weight? Could it be instead that unfortunately he just doesn't fancy larger women? That would be his loss, but would you prefer him to try to have sex when he just doesn't want to? We fancy what we fancy, after all. He may be as gutted as you that he can't change that 🤷‍♀️

But we can’t all fancy everyone whose personality we like, or we’d all be bisexual and shagging everybody!!

Great point @KittyAlfred !

I'd say, how can you know for certain that's the reason he's showing interest now. Perhaps you are radiating more confidence, which is an attractive feature. I honestly have come to believe over the years from being a size 6,8,14,16,20....that men barely notice. Unless I'd gone from a 20 back to a 6 v fast with something miraculous, they don't notice and the majority don't care either. Only the pathetically self interested men are looking for a decoration ghat matches how they want to be seen, ie with a very slim GF. There's nothing wrong with being v slim but these men see some body types as an accessory not a person. Get out there and give new man a go!

Bodies are part of attraction.
It is silly to pretend otherwise.
There is a difference between a loved partner changing over time, and pre-relationship attraction.
If you are claiming there is no weight gain or loss, or other physical change, that could affect your level of attraction to this man you are either being dishonest or you are very, very unusual.

Would you still fancy him exactly as much if he were 5 stone? 50 stone? Covered in boils?

I think only people that have experienced the change in how people treat you when you go from large to slim can really understand this. I have been there too OP. It is uncomfortable. It's very complex too. I'd keep hima s a friend and be open to other people who didn't know you before.

I’ve been you in the past . I lost several stone dropped from size 22 to size 10 and suddenly I was noticeable , men who hadn’t been interested in me before at size fat found me worthy of the time to chat me up , I chatted , briefly but couldn’t date someone who only noticed the new me , I wouldn’t waste my time on such shallow types , if they are shallow like this they are shallow in other ways too
you will find your perfect man just give it some time

I'd worry in that scenario what would happen if you had an injury and were unable to exercise and gained weight again.

Weight can be so variable - and alas, if you are the sort of person to gain weight due to inactivity, then this is the person you are it could happen again at any time.

I say this as someone who is only now properly facing my own eating disorders (starving/bingeing) - and this has meant I am now fat. And an old boyfriend recently hit on me anyway.

I don't want someone who will stop loving me if I change. I want someone who loves me for my soul.

So I wouldn't go for this guy. You can't always know who will switch when you change your external appearance - but you have your evidence with this one, so why bother with him?

And I've actually had men dump me when Iost weight in the past (I've varied in weight in the past from 7st 10lb to 12 stone - I don't weight myself now). Same thing.

It's funny how when there's a thread about 'do any men love fat women' it is called a fetish. But men loving skinny women - "aye, well what can you expect, everyone prefers attractive people".

My sister's husband met her when she was a normal size following a long illness. She became obese again during their relationship - so he married her. It's not a fetish. It's love.

We all have our preferences. But once you know someone, you see past that. Real love is soul recognition. He knew you, and he couldn't see past your weight. He never did really see you - he can't see past the external. He's not a soul mate, cos he can't see your soul.

The thing is...there are 3 types of people.

1. Those who can fall for someone based on their personality alone, looks don't matter much.

2. Those who need an initial physical attraction and once they're in love then physical changes won't matter thereafter because they are committed and love that person

3. Those that only care about appearances and would leave a relationship if their partner doesn't maintain the physical standards they like.

I personally fall into category 2. There has to be some sort of initial attraction or physical chemistry for me to want to be more than just someone's friend/feel romantically interested. This is how I felt about my ex. Over time he did end up gaining weight and not looking as he did when we got together but I still felt attracted to him because I loved him. Now I think he's a disgusting creepy pig but that is entirely down to how he has treated me over the years and nothing to do with his physical appearance.

It's hard to know if this guy that is now showing you interest falls into category 2 or 3 but I wouldn't write him off if he just needs an initial physical attraction (as many people would) but then can maintain that attraction due to being in love regardless of what happens later.

Meeting someone who didn't know you at a heavier weight doesn't guarantee that the new person isn't going to be a category 3 person and end up leaving if physical changes occur down the road 🤷‍♀️

If you like him I can't see how it would hurt to explore and find out more about him/what his views are. But how you feel about it is valid too if you don't want to pursue anything with him

That's a huge projection on your part. Not many people find fat people physically attractive, they just don't.

Personality attractive or character attractive? Yes. But a fat body isn't usually attractive for men or women in the society we live in.

Are you attracted to fat bodies? It would be unusual if you are.

Think its normal for people to gain attraction to people over time tbh - might have nothing to do with weight but he's developing a crush now and didn't until now 🤷‍♀️

My best friend is male, attracted to skinny women of which I'm not but trying to slim atm and he says when a woman begins that to him they suddenly become way more attractive, like it doesn't really matter what size you are- the taking care of yourself bit makes you way more attractive

Once I'm skinny if he developed a crush on me and I did on him there's no way I would be calling it superficial and not real and passing it up... It just didn't happen till "then"

Certainly different in a LTR - after a while people will gain/lose weight so people would be daft ending relationships over either but before it's even begun??? Madness

I think @LubaLuca might have a point.

Although I've had a hair colour change recently and I'm sure men are treating me differently.

Well, it's made you think less of him, so not a great start really!

@Numberunknown

You went from size 22 to size 10. Not sure why you were surprised that you were more noticed by men.
Surely that was the point about losing weight - to be more attractive?

But now that you got there - you judge the men as shallow?

Why not stay whatever size you were and date non-shallow men?
(of course then the issue may be that they have a size fetish - but it’s a different issue)

Of course looks matter for human physical attractiveness. It’s not something we control - it isn’t a conscious decision who we find sexy.
Brendan Fraser was sexy to me as a normal weight person. He is not sexy to me in the Whale. 🤷🏻‍♀️