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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Insecure partner should I leave?

75 replies

Relationshipweirdness · 13/05/2023 08:06

I don't know if I'm overthinking but here goes.

My boyfriend of a year is acting really odd. He talks often about how women don't need men anymore and men can be falsely accused of things which I find strange. I have a boy with my ex and he has accused me of still being in a relationship with my ex. I said I'm not we just Co parent which he says is still a relationship together. He doesn't believe me when I say I love him and he constantly makes me feel frustrated with these accusations and it's draining.

I recently started a new job and earn more than him. He says he's happy for me but I think he feels threatened as I have gelled with my new colleagues really well. I think hw is insecure as he wants to be together all the time. My boy had a week with his dad and then was going to have a week with me. My bf was annoyed he couldn't meet us both when I said that my boy needed time to catch up with me.

I mentioned in passing that I felt insecure with changes to my body since having my boy. Within a few hours he started talking about how he follows a certain oung woman on Instagram who posts bikini pics of her. I feel like he did this to make me feel worse about my own hang ups as he never mentioned her before and whilst I don't expect him not to notice attractive women he made a point of sharing after I mentioned i felt low about my body. I feel he did this to get a reaction. He has a history of comparing me with a couple of his exes though saying what they did great (although he bad mouths them on occasion). He said his last ex abused him.

I said I wasn't happy with this behaviour and he said I was an abusive narcissist looking to control him and he has no problem me talking to my ex or having male friends as most boyfriends would which is bollocks and how would I feel if he tried to stop me having thst?

My boyfriend doesn't see his friends, has issues at work and he is 12 years older than me. He says he's having a mid life crisis. I feel drained but he says I'm overreacting. I do just want to leave him. I haven't responded to him calling me an abusive narc and controller as I honestly don't know how to.

OP posts:
STARCATCHER22 · 13/05/2023 08:13

Dump him. It shouldn’t be this hard.

All that stuff about women not needing men and false accusations is a concern as it suggests he’s been reading/watching Men’s Rights stuff online to me.

DustyLee123 · 13/05/2023 08:15

He has issues, dump/block/run.

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 13/05/2023 08:15

Run for the hills as fast as you can. I'm serious, this will only get worse.

AlwaysAlba · 13/05/2023 08:15

A relationship is meant to uplift you. Do you feel cherished and respected??
I’m going to be brutal here - do not let anyone, ever, disrespect you. You need to be able to hold your head up high, you know you are worth so much more.
Oh and my DH is twenty years older than me, he wouldn’t dream of ever making me feel less than, he builds me up and makes me feel valued and beautiful.

RinklyRomaine · 13/05/2023 08:16

Good god get rid. More red flags than a coronation party! The jealousy is extending to your kid as well as his dad, he openly tries to manipulate you, is miserable and annoyed, after 12 months? Nope. That's not love and it will only get worse.

Soozikinzii · 13/05/2023 08:17

I'd say get out of this before you have any children together . Seems like you've dodged a bullet by spotting these trains early. You earn more so you can set up on your own . Job's going great at the moment by the.sounds of it. So concentrate on that and DS for a while and see what transpires !

LiliLil · 13/05/2023 08:17

You need to end this relationship. So many red flags I don’t even know where to start.

Run.

fourelementary · 13/05/2023 08:20

You don’t need permission for it to be over. You don’t even really need a reason, but you seem to have plenty to be fair.

Walk away.

Secondwindplease · 13/05/2023 08:21

Put him in the bin.

Lovemebetter · 13/05/2023 08:24

You want to end it. Do it! It sounds like you need to have a plan and be determined as he could put pressure on you to stay. He sounds really horrible.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 13/05/2023 08:25

He's not insecure he's an arsehole

Original poster
Relationshipweirdness · 13/05/2023 09:57

Glad it's not just me. Feels hurtful to be accused of these things. This was last week and I haven't messaged him since as honestly I don't know what to say and I worry he would do something.

@Lovemebetter a plan to leave? Any tips? I haven't messaged as don't want further accusations so I was literally going to box up and post his stuff tracked and hopes he just leaves me be.

OP posts:
SpringleDingle · 13/05/2023 10:01

He sounds delightful (not). I think block him and post his stuff back and find a nicer one!

Manichean · 13/05/2023 16:00

Yes, post his stuff to him and block him. He may threaten to kill himself - don't let it worry you, these controlling men never follow through. Well done for spotting what a twat he is.

Mabelface · 13/05/2023 16:08

Yup, pack it up, send it off and block him forever.

Original poster
Relationshipweirdness · 13/05/2023 22:05

All his stuff is packed and ready to be sent on Monday. I think he knows its over as we haven't spoken since his nasty text. Should I prepare for anything sinister or will all be OK now?

OP posts:
lamaze1 · 13/05/2023 23:27

You're doing the right thing. As others have said it will get worse. If you'd have stayed he'd end up jealous of your son at some point.

Have someone neutral pick up or drop off his belongings. Block him on everything.

b0zza1 · 14/05/2023 00:08

I reckon he'll take a small break and then come back all happiness and light and try to win you over. Or things could get worse. If the former, then learn about emotional and psychological abuse, just by googling. If the latter then keep a diary of everything.

Original poster
Relationshipweirdness · 14/05/2023 09:19

Thanks for

OP posts:
Original poster
Relationshipweirdness · 14/05/2023 09:21

Aah phone playing up!

Thanks for all help. Get worse? Are me and my boy at risk?

OP posts:
Naunet · 14/05/2023 09:58

He sounds pathetic, you’re absolutely making the right choice.

Why do you think you’d be in danger? Has he been violent before? When people say he will get worse, they mean if you stay with him, he’ll get more and more jealous and controlling.

OhComeOnFFS · 14/05/2023 10:11

You're making the right decision, but do you know he'll be in to receive his things?

lamaze1 · 14/05/2023 11:14

@Relationshipweirdness sorry I meant i his behaviour would get worse if you continued the relationship.

Original poster
Relationshipweirdness · 14/05/2023 11:36

I don't know if he'd be in but if I do signed for he can always collect from post office.

He doesn't like me not talking to him as when I'm busy he will bombard me with messages, emails, calls.

I did try splitting when this happened a couple of months ago and he sent me dozens of messages and emails and told me he drove past my house ready to give me a piece of his mind but refrained as he knew "I probably wouldn't like that".

I know he did similar with his ex ie accusations of abuse and said he'd destroy her career when she left.

OP posts:
Dery · 14/05/2023 11:45

He sounds awful and it’s great that you’re ending the relationship. As to how he might behave, if he does anything to cause you concern, you can involve the police. But that’s not a reason to stay in a bad relationship.