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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Insecure partner should I leave?

75 replies

Relationshipweirdness · 13/05/2023 08:06

I don't know if I'm overthinking but here goes.

My boyfriend of a year is acting really odd. He talks often about how women don't need men anymore and men can be falsely accused of things which I find strange. I have a boy with my ex and he has accused me of still being in a relationship with my ex. I said I'm not we just Co parent which he says is still a relationship together. He doesn't believe me when I say I love him and he constantly makes me feel frustrated with these accusations and it's draining.

I recently started a new job and earn more than him. He says he's happy for me but I think he feels threatened as I have gelled with my new colleagues really well. I think hw is insecure as he wants to be together all the time. My boy had a week with his dad and then was going to have a week with me. My bf was annoyed he couldn't meet us both when I said that my boy needed time to catch up with me.

I mentioned in passing that I felt insecure with changes to my body since having my boy. Within a few hours he started talking about how he follows a certain oung woman on Instagram who posts bikini pics of her. I feel like he did this to make me feel worse about my own hang ups as he never mentioned her before and whilst I don't expect him not to notice attractive women he made a point of sharing after I mentioned i felt low about my body. I feel he did this to get a reaction. He has a history of comparing me with a couple of his exes though saying what they did great (although he bad mouths them on occasion). He said his last ex abused him.

I said I wasn't happy with this behaviour and he said I was an abusive narcissist looking to control him and he has no problem me talking to my ex or having male friends as most boyfriends would which is bollocks and how would I feel if he tried to stop me having thst?

My boyfriend doesn't see his friends, has issues at work and he is 12 years older than me. He says he's having a mid life crisis. I feel drained but he says I'm overreacting. I do just want to leave him. I haven't responded to him calling me an abusive narc and controller as I honestly don't know how to.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 14/05/2023 11:48

Never, ever speak to him again. Block him on everything, and if he bothers you even once, report him to the police. Thank fuck you are getting rid of him. He's horrific.

Starseeking · 14/05/2023 17:47

He's a boyfriend? Just get rid of him.

billy1966 · 14/05/2023 18:01

Do not hesitate to contact the police at the hint of a threat.

Protect yourself and your child.

He is clearly an abusive unhinged arsehole.

Call the police if he comes near you.

evuscha · 14/05/2023 18:14

Oh dear OP, he sounds unhinged. Glad you made a (correct) decision to leave! Shipping his stuff is probably a good idea. Does he have keys to your place? Probably a good idea to change locks. Hopefully it won’t come to it but taking precautions is always useful.

Original poster
Relationshipweirdness · 17/05/2023 19:02

Thanks for the advice.
I have things pqcked for shipping. This is probably me overthinking things as he ain't made any attempt to contact even to collect things. He accused his ex of abuse and is taking her to small claims for theft as she did not return his items (she called police for him harassing her and this is ongoing I've been made aware). Is tracked delivery going to be enough? I don't want him accusing me of not returning his stuff stuff pulling a similar stunt but equally he has not messaged me since his last message calling me controlling and a narc (I'm worried he will defame me as I did believe him when he said he was a victim but now he is doing similar to me it's really worried me).

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 17/05/2023 19:11

Blimey , this bloke has big issues!

billy1966 · 17/05/2023 19:37

OP,

Contact 101 for advice.

You are very nervous of an abusive Ex and you have a child.

Give his name and address and ask for a marker on your address.

Send the box registered delivery and photograph it going.

Get a video bell and ring the police ifvhe comes near your home.

He's unhinged.

Original poster
Relationshipweirdness · 17/05/2023 19:45

You don't think he will come here do you? I havent heard at all for over a week so my biggest concern was him smearing my name as he hasn't pestered me like he has with the other I just don't want to give any ammo.

OP posts:
Spottedsox · 17/05/2023 20:00

Dump him.
You have a job, good relationships else where in life.
Block his number.
Does his perfect instagram girls have children or strive to live a life of needing online gratification from these types of men, I think is grosse.
Your self doubt is unnecessary. you're a mother that is perfectly normal.
Best of all you have probably what he wants.
Go find a man who is uplifting!

Spottedsox · 17/05/2023 20:07

Call a friend or family for support.
Call the police if you have any problems.
Do not let him make you feel this way.
His belongings track them off to him.
Block his number...
It is a concern how you are feeling, let someone know.
Can someone visit to.make you feel at ease in the evenings.
Do not let him affect your home life or work.

Call in support.

Unbelievable what a man can cause!

billy1966 · 17/05/2023 20:52

Probably not, but a video bell is just good to have for security.

But ringing 101 and putting a marker on your house is a good idea.

He has behaved badly with his ex so being proactive is wise.

Original poster
Relationshipweirdness · 17/05/2023 20:55

Thanks everyone. Trying to call my mum but no luck. I feel really low but am sticking with not contacting him as its not the first time I thought of leaving or him doing this negative comparing and ignoring me when I try and raise a concern. Feel really hurt he felt the need to rub these girls in my face and my gut is he does it deliberately. I don't see the point.

OP posts:
Original poster
Relationshipweirdness · 17/05/2023 20:56

Thanks. I don't think he'd risk t with the other one ongoing. Just want my boy and me to be safe and happy.

OP posts:
pictoosh · 17/05/2023 21:17

The point is to keep your self esteem low so you'll continue to tolerate his suffocating, controlling behaviour.
Please don't.

Original poster
Relationshipweirdness · 17/05/2023 21:40

No it hurts a lot as I do love him still but I know this is better in the long term. I don't know why he'd want to keep my self esteem low though its odd 😕

OP posts:
billy1966 · 17/05/2023 22:37

Because he is an insecure abusive arsehole.

He belittles you to keep you down and stop you from leaving him.

He went too far.

People with self esteem won't tolerate him.

He's looking for an insecure person.

This is the type of guy that would be jealous of a child.

You do not want him destroying your boys childhhod.

Don't hesitate to call the police.

You can do this.

You both deserve better.

Butterfly44 · 17/05/2023 22:54

Run. This is no long term relationship. Not for you or your son. Please leave. It will only get worse

Original poster
Relationshipweirdness · 18/05/2023 08:27

I'm so grateful for all the help from all of you. Thank you loads. I know I'll get over it. Just worried he might do something but I will log with 101 as advised.

OP posts:
Original poster
Relationshipweirdness · 20/05/2023 20:03

Thanks for all the comments. I spoke to a friend who advised womens aid and they said it sounds emotionally abusive especially as the accusations have gotten worse since new job and friend success. They have provided links to resources on how to keep myself safe during the next few weeks.

OP posts:
Alcemeg · 20/05/2023 21:46

Hurraaaaaah OP! Well done and keep your chin up. Lord knows how we end up in these relationships, but we learn an awful lot by leaving them. X

Original poster
Relationshipweirdness · 27/05/2023 09:16

Alcemeg · 20/05/2023 21:46

Hurraaaaaah OP! Well done and keep your chin up. Lord knows how we end up in these relationships, but we learn an awful lot by leaving them. X

I know. Honestly I thought I had better judgement. He said and did a lot of other red flag behavior now I look back. I do miss him though but just need to get through this.

OP posts:
Siatanaas · 27/05/2023 12:30

I would be happy if a guy wanted to spend all his free time with me. Nowadays men are not emotionally invested in a relationship and they just live their separate lives with sometimes including their gf in it. If he is respectful and understanding, I don’t see an issue with him spending time with you instead of friends of colleagues. I would prefer that.

Pinkbonbon · 27/05/2023 12:38

Say it with me: he's not insecure he's controlling!
And repeat HE'S NOT INECURE, HE'S CONTROLING!

Ironic that he called you a narcissist. He's probably been called one by other women so knows the word.

You told him your weakness and he attacked you with it. Typical evil nut job behaviour.

Run!

And learn all you can about his sort so you can spot losers like him quicker in future.

Doctor ramani on YouTube does good stuff on narcissists.

Ps: do not call him one. You don't want to egg him on further with that conversation.

Just get out ASAP.

memoirsofatrespasser · 27/05/2023 12:43

Siatanaas · 27/05/2023 12:30

I would be happy if a guy wanted to spend all his free time with me. Nowadays men are not emotionally invested in a relationship and they just live their separate lives with sometimes including their gf in it. If he is respectful and understanding, I don’t see an issue with him spending time with you instead of friends of colleagues. I would prefer that.

RTFT

identifyingasmrblobbytoday · 27/05/2023 12:47

Siatanaas · 27/05/2023 12:30

I would be happy if a guy wanted to spend all his free time with me. Nowadays men are not emotionally invested in a relationship and they just live their separate lives with sometimes including their gf in it. If he is respectful and understanding, I don’t see an issue with him spending time with you instead of friends of colleagues. I would prefer that.

Fuck sake.