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Original poster

WWYD - Broken and Confused - Pls help

66 replies

SuddenlySusan44 · 13/05/2023 04:30

I don't know where to start with this but I'll try and make some kind of sense.

Married to DH for 11 yrs, together 15 yrs, 2 children (12 and 8).

Normal married life (or so I thought) until around 5 yrs ago when DH started to be different and slowly became reclusive, I put this down to stresses at work, and was becoming depressed with it. Advised therapy multiple times.

Nearly 3 long yrs later, he decided that he couldn't live in the family home anymore and rented a flat, no kind of real explanation to leaving but to be honest, he really wasn't nice to be around so didn't really fight it. I was the one who broke the news to the children and made some excuse that daddy needs time away to process his thoughts etc.

Our relationship became better for it, and then 7 months ago we made the fatal mistake of getting back together. Kids were told the news after a couple of months and they were over the moon. We decided that a fresh start was needed so around 3 weeks ago we put our house on the market and sold it last week. We had our eyes on our dream house for ages, so once we accepted the offer on our house, we put on offer on the dream house, which was accepted, great news...until it was time to start the p/work.

Confession time for DH - A yr into our relationship he stupidly started messaging a girl he orginally spoke too before meeting me, she said she only wanted to meet for sex, which DH done and then the OW threatened to tell me unless he carried on meeting her for sex! He says that he was so scared of losing me that he didn't want me to find out so carried on meeting her for sex (as he says it). Roll on 14yrs later and he says that it has continued on and off during that time and the worst bit, they have a 10yr child together. He says he doesn't see the child as a child/dad relationship but kid is there when he goes there for sex. Kid doesn't call him dad etc, so he says. He only found out she was pregnant when she was nearly due, she apparently sent a photo saying 'guess who the dad is?'. He has paid child maintenance to her since it was born, even though he says that he isn't 100% sure it's his.

DH says that he has been so scared of me finding out by her and losing me altogether that it spiralled out of control and she had more and more information on him that he had to keep it going with her to keep her quiet and to stop me getting hurt.

He has confessed now because he wants this fresh start and couldn't keep the secret anymore, and the constant threats from her are too much. He has thought about ending his life multiple times, which I first knew he felt like that before he rented the flat and has said during many hearts to hearts over the last few years.

We are due to instruct mortgage surveyors now and we have the buyers surveyors coming on Monday, what the hell do I do?!

My children are going to be crushed that we are not going to be together and doubly crushed about the new dream house too if they don't live there

I don't know what to do, I feel sick constantly, haven't slept for days. I haven't even cried yet, just shake when thinking about it all.

Please share your kind words and wisdom.

Ps - I didn't mean for this to be so long, sorry.

OP posts:
coronafiona · 13/05/2023 04:34

The thing is, can you ever trust him again really isn't it. He's lied to you for a long long time. Your children will grow up and move out leaving you with him. For me personally it would be a deal breaker but people do manage to get over these things and rebuild so the question is, what do you want for your future?

Redlarge · 13/05/2023 04:34

Un instruct both. Kick him out he can get a flat again or go to her.
You stay in the property with the children.
Hes stolen years of your life away from you with selfish behaviour and lies. Stop it now and start without him.

I very much doubt some of his story and doubt he was as much a victim as hes making out.

He has seriously betrayed and disrespected you. Do not continue a relationship with this man.

Im so sorry xxxx

itsrainin · 13/05/2023 04:42

He can’t expect you to fall for that. He accidentally kept having sex to prevent her from telling you? Blackmail clearly turns him on then. I don’t buy that the kid is “just there” when they have sex - how vile. The kid knows who their father is and likely have more of a relationship than he’s letting on. He’s lived a double life.

Ilikewinter · 13/05/2023 04:43

Wow. 100% retract on your dream house or it will become nightmare house if you buy it and then decide to split up and you can't afford to stay in the house on your own . Kick him out and divorce him.

Safxxx · 13/05/2023 04:50

A bit of a hard one 😔 whilst you want things to start afresh in your dream house, it's alot for you to take in, trusting him will be hard as his been having this affair for a long time.
Maybe ask to meet the woman in question, see what her side of the story is?
Main thing is even if you forgive him, you won't ever forget or trust him again, that in itself will cause problems in the future. I'm so sorry you havs to go through this, it's early days you finding out, maybe needs to sink in abit and then you can decide what you really want from him, both outcomes will be hard but in time you will heal ❤️

NWQM · 13/05/2023 05:12

I can not begin to imagine how hard this is for you but so many questions spring to mind.....
How do you feel about him knowingly being a father but supposedly only 'stepping up' with cash? Did he seriously turn up at the house for sex and not give a damn about the child? He sounds delightful if he did!

Is he planning an on going relationship with the child - even if only financial - and how do you feel about it?

How did he cover up the financial arrangement?

When does he claim that the switch happened from him having an affair to him being blackmailed into seeing her?

I fear that he has picked a vulnerable moment to you. Has he been having therapy that might explain why he feels he needs to make amends or has he just decided to? I suspect he thinks you are in too difficult a position to not commit so bam he can tell you, he feels better but what thought has he given to how you will feel?

How is he suggesting you both heal and move forward? Whether you even want to is a different thing but would be interested to know if he intends to put an effort in or sees he has too? I say this not because I think you should stay or try but as you will have some relationship due to the kids. Your responsibility is working out what you feel not 'how this works'. He broke it how is he going to fix it!

Please take time. Please take care. Other dream houses are out there. Tell the kids it fall through and these things sometimes happen. Any hint he blames you will be a deal breaker tell him.

Buildingthefuture · 13/05/2023 07:22

He’s been shagging this woman “because he had to” for almost the entire duration of your relationship? And they have a child together? FFS!!!! I do believe in forgiveness and I think MN is often too harsh in terms of LTB but Christ, that is a lot of lies. The only positive I can find in this is that he’s told you himself, rather than you finding out. But frankly, he is a lot of years too late!!
Personally, I would continue with the sale of the house but I wouldn’t be buying another house with him. I think the dc can be told in an age appropriate way and you move forward, alone. The shagging is one thing but I don’t think I could forgive the fact that he has another child that he just hasn’t bothered with, apart from financially. And I also wouldn’t believe half of what he was saying, why has he told you now? Why not years ago? Because he was enjoying the shagging on the side, that’s why! I would also strongly suspect that the reason he moved into his flat was so he could pretend to OW that he had left you. If it was me, he’d have to go and I wouldn’t be manipulated by his threats of ending his life either. He’s just another sad tosser with a wandering penis. He created this utter shit show, he can deal with it. I’m so sorry op, it’s awful. But you will get through it and come out the other side, better off. Good luck xxxx

jenny38 · 13/05/2023 07:22

Only you can decide if he's worth working through this. The only positive is he has told uou the bones of it- he's had an affair, resulting in a child. This affair has continued on and off. She may at some point have said she will tell you but realistically he was in it for the long term with her.
If I was you I would take the move off the table. Tell the kids the house fell through. go for some counselling ASAP ( which will also address the Bellshit excuses- see if he can take accountability) then decide how you feel. I think his confession has come because he wants to start fresh with no secrets, but that doesn't wipe away what he's done in the past. This would be a difficult issue to move past for most people, but we are not walking in your shoes.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 13/05/2023 08:16

He’s tried to paint himself in as good Al goth as possible, as some sort of victim of a predatory woman.

Absolute bullshit. All of it, bullshit.

He has stolen years of your life from you, stolen happiness and normality from your children and lied, lied and lied, while fucking another woman and having a family.

It’s unimaginable.

Uninstruct, withdraw offer, take house off the market, tell him to never darken your door again. In time, sell the house and have a fresh start with your children.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 13/05/2023 08:17

In as good a light as possible*

orangegato · 13/05/2023 08:31

So many layers of unforgivable. Stop this house move nonsense now, try to eliminate him from your life other than to see the children.

He’s made your relationship a lie and has screwed you over for years. My word. So sorry OP.

Seaoftroubles · 13/05/2023 08:53

Agree with @orangegato Don't give it a minutes further thought O. P, there is nothing to save in this relationship. This is just breathtaking deceit and utterly vile behaviour on his part. He has lied and lied and lied, you could never trust him again. Dump him from a great height, take your house off the market and be glad you know the truth before you got embroiled in moving. What price a dream home with a nightmare husband?

NWQM · 13/05/2023 08:55

Please do reflect on the fact that he didn't 'just' have an affair and thinks it's all to say he emotionally excluded the resulting child he left your family home. Indeed he left and he had been such a rubbish partner for you you describe it as if you were relieved. You were not happy.
He didn't have a 'forced' affair (not heard that one before) and whilst doing so move heaven and earth to make you happy.

How have things - before you new - when he was back? If he was happy, why and at what?

Where you moving near or away from where you know?

Onelifeonly · 13/05/2023 08:59

I find it hard to believe this.

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 13/05/2023 09:25

I'm so sorry this has been done to you and your children by the one person you should have been able to count on. The silver lining is that now you know what kind of a person he is. You can finally live in truth. The house is of course a trap he has laid for you, a bright shiny glittery trap. His behaviour is unforgivable. Start to imagine the life you want without him, and put what you need to in place for that happen. Once you reject his pathetic story you will start to see the real person, and it won't be nice, so be prepared for that & protect yourself.

SpringleDingle · 13/05/2023 09:56

Cancel the house sale, divorce the twat.

notapizzaeater · 13/05/2023 10:00

Cancel the house sale or look for your own dream home for you and the kids.

No one can be forced to keep going and having sex !

Superdupes · 13/05/2023 10:03

What a bullshitter. Lying cunt. He had a child with her after 4 years of shagging her behind your back - is he really suggesting he was forced into it? Or did he just accidentally have sex that he didn't want with her, without protection?

I bet her side of the story is very, very different to his. I think you're probably both victims here, I'd secretly contact her and see if she would be willing to tell her side. Tell him that if she's been forcing him to meet her then you'd like to see the messages.

You need to put a stop to the move, you cannot be going through with huge decisions right now and trapping yourself with him with all this playing out. He's a completely selfish, bad one OP, there's no doubt of that.

MammaTo · 13/05/2023 10:05

Ahh poor fella just had to carry on shagging the OW to do you a favour, protect your feelings.
Get shut of him asap.
Pull out of new house and get your ducks in a row.

Citrusnotes77 · 13/05/2023 10:09

Op, if this is for real, you can’t honestly be considering continuing this relationship?
He’s probably got bored of the other women after 14 years!

Fourteen years of lying to you op!! What bullshit about being afraid to lose you. He had the balls to walk out and buy a flat didn’t he?

Immediately put an end to your relationship with this man who has betrayed you and your dc in the most vile way possible and is taking no responsibility for his actions bc he is blaming it all on the ow. He’s probably told her the same lies about you. Despicable!

Why are you letting him dictate all of your life decisions? I am sorry because this must hurt like hell but you must consult a solicitor first thing on Monday morning. Sending you strength x

Opentooffers · 13/05/2023 10:14

Do not buy into his crap excuses. He decided to message her originally and meet up for sex. Now he's trying to make out that one time had enough of a blackmail hold on him that he continued to go round for sex for the next 14 years, just to avoid you finding out! That's total BS. I'd say he was happily leading a double life until 5 years ago when it started getting to him. Then 3 years ago he made a decision that it had to be her out of the two of you, so he moved out. For whatever reason, it hasn't worked with her, so he's back trying with you, but had to tell you or she maybe would of - if she knows about you?
I think you should talk to her and get her side of things, not least to check she knows about you. It actually might be an eye-opener for you as to when she realised about you if she didn't know she was the OW, at the start.
It's lucky he's come clean before buying the new house. That you've already sold your house is actually helpful for being on the path to divorce. It's shit for your DC's, but there's no way round that. Use the house sale money to find somewhere to rent while divorce proceedings and finances get sorted. Your DC's will understand, especially when you inform them of their half-sibling, which you should do, for the sakes of all the DC's, no child deserves to be a dirty secret.

Citrusnotes77 · 13/05/2023 10:14

Sorry he rented the flat! Still a bold move to move out and leave you to do most of child care I presume?

And to break this news now at this point in your house selling-house purchase, is extremely manipulative.

Not often I say this but please LTB.

Gather your friends and family around you and get some support this weekend. Don’t cover up what he has done.

CC222 · 13/05/2023 10:17

It's probably best to stall things with the move if you can, you need time to process all of this information, it's a lot! Your entire relationship and family life is not how you knew it...
Are you able to confide in close family/friends who will be able to emotionally support you through this period so you can process your thoughts and feelings to be able to get clarity on how you want to proceed? Is he able to give you space to do this also?
Unfortunately if plans change now your kids will be upset, and that's a very natural reaction for them too, but that's not a reason to carry on with plans right now. You have to think about your own happiness and emotional security.
It might be worthwhile speaking to a therapist to help you process your feelings, especially as you have a lot to consider right now and I can sense the urgency on you to make decisions one way or the other. I think your partner could really benefit from some therapy also.. He's fucked up massively, destroyed your family unit! But it's clear by his mental health struggles that he does suffer a lot of guilt over that. And rightly so, but this needs to be addressed if he is suicidal.
Anyone you share this with have their own opinions, but what's important is you have a safe space to process your own thoughts and feelings so you can make your own decision here, one that's right for you and your kids...
I'm so sorry you're going through all of this, I hope things work out for you xx

Manichean · 13/05/2023 15:54

In the unlikely event this woman has been blackmailing him for sex all these years the appropriate response would be for him to go to the police. But it is bullshit. He has been maintaining a second family behind your back - he is a massive cunt.

IsThePopeCatholic · 13/05/2023 16:09

I’m afraid I don’t believe a word of what he’s saying.