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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

WWYD - Broken and Confused - Pls help

66 replies

SuddenlySusan44 · 13/05/2023 04:30

I don't know where to start with this but I'll try and make some kind of sense.

Married to DH for 11 yrs, together 15 yrs, 2 children (12 and 8).

Normal married life (or so I thought) until around 5 yrs ago when DH started to be different and slowly became reclusive, I put this down to stresses at work, and was becoming depressed with it. Advised therapy multiple times.

Nearly 3 long yrs later, he decided that he couldn't live in the family home anymore and rented a flat, no kind of real explanation to leaving but to be honest, he really wasn't nice to be around so didn't really fight it. I was the one who broke the news to the children and made some excuse that daddy needs time away to process his thoughts etc.

Our relationship became better for it, and then 7 months ago we made the fatal mistake of getting back together. Kids were told the news after a couple of months and they were over the moon. We decided that a fresh start was needed so around 3 weeks ago we put our house on the market and sold it last week. We had our eyes on our dream house for ages, so once we accepted the offer on our house, we put on offer on the dream house, which was accepted, great news...until it was time to start the p/work.

Confession time for DH - A yr into our relationship he stupidly started messaging a girl he orginally spoke too before meeting me, she said she only wanted to meet for sex, which DH done and then the OW threatened to tell me unless he carried on meeting her for sex! He says that he was so scared of losing me that he didn't want me to find out so carried on meeting her for sex (as he says it). Roll on 14yrs later and he says that it has continued on and off during that time and the worst bit, they have a 10yr child together. He says he doesn't see the child as a child/dad relationship but kid is there when he goes there for sex. Kid doesn't call him dad etc, so he says. He only found out she was pregnant when she was nearly due, she apparently sent a photo saying 'guess who the dad is?'. He has paid child maintenance to her since it was born, even though he says that he isn't 100% sure it's his.

DH says that he has been so scared of me finding out by her and losing me altogether that it spiralled out of control and she had more and more information on him that he had to keep it going with her to keep her quiet and to stop me getting hurt.

He has confessed now because he wants this fresh start and couldn't keep the secret anymore, and the constant threats from her are too much. He has thought about ending his life multiple times, which I first knew he felt like that before he rented the flat and has said during many hearts to hearts over the last few years.

We are due to instruct mortgage surveyors now and we have the buyers surveyors coming on Monday, what the hell do I do?!

My children are going to be crushed that we are not going to be together and doubly crushed about the new dream house too if they don't live there

I don't know what to do, I feel sick constantly, haven't slept for days. I haven't even cried yet, just shake when thinking about it all.

Please share your kind words and wisdom.

Ps - I didn't mean for this to be so long, sorry.

OP posts:
NotNowGertrude · 13/05/2023 16:23

This won't end well

NectarCard · 13/05/2023 18:32

This is top tier wtf stuff. OP if you and genuine, get the fuck out of this. Immediately

Pinkdelight3 · 13/05/2023 18:43

Both the worst and the best thing about this is how categorically and unequivocally he has betrayed you and been an absolute cast iron bastard. There is no going back from this. You end it now and the DC will cope. Don't compromise on anything because of them. He's a massive liar and a massive cheat and he's still lying and taking the piss if he expects you to buy that sob story that he had to have sex with her. You've done nothing wrong and deserve so much better. It's good that you've found out now and can end it for good. Not saying it will be easy, it's an awful thing for him to put you and DC through, but at least there's no grey area. He is not the man you thought he was, not the man you loved, and not the man you could have any future with. Thank god.

Mummapenguin20 · 13/05/2023 18:50

Wow I’d be withdrawing offer and stopping the sale

whichwayisup · 13/05/2023 19:07

So imagine for a minute he was a poor victim of blackmail... What a total arse... Easier to keep fucking her and having a child with her than to tell you? And then better to kill himself and leave 3 children without a father and two women with the terrible legacy of their partner's suicide than to just tell his wife... eh, yeah sorry, I've been having an affair.

I mean I give him a 5* ability to make his life sound a lot more interesting than it actually is. Just a bog standard boring 10 a penny affair.. Weak man making his wife's life a fucking misery. And the preposterous thing is you might actually believe him.

What an actual arsehole.

Please God let this be made up.

Round123 · 13/05/2023 19:12

sending you a big hug :(
is there any way you can speak to ow without him knowing?
If you DO stay..is it because are you madly in love with the man or are you more concerned about the children?
xxx

OrbandSpectacle · 13/05/2023 19:20

I'n sure I've seen a similar story on MN before, a long term cheating man who, when caught out said he was blackmailed into continuing seeing and having sex wih ow.

Damnedidont · 13/05/2023 19:20

Get her to admit the blackmail on a recording or messenger. Then go to the police. He needs therapy to learn how to make this up to you and you need it to decide what terms - if any- you would be prepared to continue this relationship. In the meantime I'd go ahead with the house purchase

Zenana · 13/05/2023 19:22

itsrainin · 13/05/2023 04:42

He can’t expect you to fall for that. He accidentally kept having sex to prevent her from telling you? Blackmail clearly turns him on then. I don’t buy that the kid is “just there” when they have sex - how vile. The kid knows who their father is and likely have more of a relationship than he’s letting on. He’s lived a double life.

The Op said the child, who's 10 years old, Is there when he goes round for sex. What's the child doing whilst they're getting jiggy with it? It's all kinds of wrong.

Alcemeg · 13/05/2023 19:35

Oh gosh OP I'm so sorry, what a shock.

The thing is, if he was sort of blackmailed into nookie with OW, then now that you know about it he is no longer held captive. He must be absolutely dying for you to meet up with her so that he can triumphantly announce, "Look, my darling wife knows now, so you can no longer trick me into having that horrible sex you've kept forcing me into all this time!" He must have been longing to do that, for the past 14 years.

It would be interesting to hear her timeframe etc. Him saying he met her before you is a sort of "let me off the hook" clause, as it makes it sound as though you and he were still getting off the starting blocks and had not yet established a loyal relationship when he was shagging her. Whereas it's possible that he pursued her a bit later on than, e.g. 11 years ago.

I think you have to seize your freedom with both hands and not waste more time on this man. He sounds as though he has trouble managing an adult relationship and prefers fantasy land. The perfect home might be all part of that, making you irresistible right now, but what about 2 years down the track when he takes it all for granted?

The kids will be all right. It's a good lesson for them in some things in life not being what they seem or turning out how we would like. But you will have your happy ending, one day, just you wait! Not with this complete chump, though!

choccytime · 13/05/2023 19:52

Cant believe this , what a prat , LTB

RebelliousStarrChild · 13/05/2023 19:52

I think there is a reason he told you after the house sale but before the new house purchase.
I don't think that reason has anything to do with his guilt or wanting a fresh start with a clean slate.

RebelliousStarrChild · 13/05/2023 19:57

Mummapenguin20 · 13/05/2023 18:50

Wow I’d be withdrawing offer and stopping the sale

As soon as possible.

Kissedbyfire1 · 13/05/2023 20:03

They’re embarrassing and ridiculous these types aren’t they? Just utter cringe the absolute nonsense they come out with. He’s got two families, has had for donkey’s years and is now trying to manipulate a situation that takes the mental pressure of the constant deception off him, while maintaining the life he likes.
In the bin with him. Don’t give it any more thought.

itsrainin · 13/05/2023 20:06

Also I can guarantee you that the dream
house will no longer be your dream house under the circumstances. Every minute you’re there, you’ll think of him and be resentful especially if you’re financially tied. You’ll think of all the memories and dreams that are tainted. This is not your dream house any more.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 13/05/2023 20:23

I'm so sorry that you're in this position, OP.

The best advice that I was given was, in crisis, do not make any major decisions about anything. Everything can wait until your mind is settled.

Whatever is easy to undo/delay, that's what I would do. Brew

Original poster
SuddenlySusan44 · 13/05/2023 22:26

Thank you all for your kind words and wisdom 🩷.

I have spent the day asking more questions and trying to get my head around it all.

Turns out there is a 4th child, he says that he doesn't think that this one is his, so he didn't want to include that one...utter crap!

Apparently, she is a psycho and has stalked me for years online and also knows my address and his families addresses. I actually had a friend request from her yesterday when the fb glitch was happening, so she must check my social media quite often. He genuinely seems scared of her, but I think that's because there is still more to come!

He says he is going to tell her that I know tomorrow (he has the kids today and is worried in case she turns up kicking and screaming)

I've always believed that you shouldn't make long-term decisions on short-term feelings, but they are too many people involved in the house sale and buying, so that needs to be stopped immediately.

I'm feeling a lot stronger in myself now, so thank you all so much!

OP posts:
winterchills · 13/05/2023 22:55

Absolutely horrendous! I have no words. I do think you need to kick him back out and don't go back. U will never get over this.

Citrusnotes77 · 13/05/2023 22:59

RebelliousStarrChild · 13/05/2023 19:52

I think there is a reason he told you after the house sale but before the new house purchase.
I don't think that reason has anything to do with his guilt or wanting a fresh start with a clean slate.

Absolutely this! It’s an acknowledged sales technique. Involving a deadline to ramp up the pressure. He’s chosen to do this now when housing situation makes op feel vulnerable.

But he’s framing it as though it’s a fresh start and he didn’t want to sully that with this revelation in the new home. However, he has been prepared to sully their marriage with serious lies for fourteen years, including the presence of two children out of wedlock.

Sorry but I could just about buy his guilt and suicidal feelings if this had been going on say for 18 months max, but there was never an opportunity to tell you the truth in fourteen years? That’s total nonsense!

if this is real, he must know that having revealed the truth after all of this time, that there is a strong risk you will
leave him anyway. So he’s dangling the carrot of the ideal new home to make it all seem more palatable. If he had any decency at all, he would have brought all of this up way before they had started looking for a new home.

Citrusnotes77 · 13/05/2023 23:06

Having read your update op, I am very glad you are feeling stronger, I wouldn’t believe a word that he is telling you about this other woman. She could be psycho but the responsibility is still on him, and it’s highly likely he’s manipulated her as much as he has manipulated you. Are you in touch with his parents? I wonder if they have any knowledge of their extra gc?

Hold your head up high op. You have been treated abysmally. Do not cover his tracks for him. This is deception of the highest order. I hope you can father support around you tomorrow and find a SHL on Monday morning. Ask for recommendations locally.

You cannot expose your dc to this liar on his terms any longer. Sadly, you must demonstrate to your dc that your boundaries are very much intact.

Citrusnotes77 · 13/05/2023 23:07

gather not father

RebelliousStarrChild · 14/05/2023 00:39

He's telling you she's a psycho and trying to make you fear her to avoid you actually speaking to her and finding out what she has to say. Which I'm sure is a lot.

That's also why he is planning to tell her that you "know about everything" now, he is hoping it will stop her from telling you the rest of what he is hiding.

He hasn't stopped lying and has no intention of telling you the whole truth at this point.

evuscha · 14/05/2023 01:21

I’m so sorry OP, what a horrendous thing to do. And yes the timing just before the house purchase is pretty manipulative. I hope you manage to find a nice smaller house for you and DC and he can sod off.

Ilovelurchers · 14/05/2023 07:47

How marvellous is your fella at sex that he reckons this woman will go to such lengths purely to sleep with him? Because seriously, even if he has a solid gold cock....

It's logically possible that he has been blackmailed into sleeping with her for years of course - the varieties of human behaviour are seemingly endless. But looked at in the cold light of day his story does not sound wildly plausible.

Hope you are OK OP. You must feel like you have been punched in the stomach - what a shit he is.

I would speak to her if you feel able. At least see what her side of the story is.

And though you probably understandably feel very angry with her too, try to remember that he is the one who betrayed you, not her, because he is the one who owed you something.

It's utterly possible that she too is a victim of his lies and manipulation, albeit in a different way to you.

Calmdown14 · 14/05/2023 08:24

Glad you feel stronger.

Much as the kids will have some disappointment, it will not be as catastrophic now as if you try to make it work (because that's an impossible ask).

Take the pressure off and stay put.

What he has done is unforgivable in terms of your relationship but for the kids sake life will be better if you can be civil with each other. On that basis I'd try and detach as best you can and keep communication with him open.
This is entirely of his own making but he sounds in a vulnerable place so I'd try and maintain some form of (non romantic) relationship for the kids sake and to avoid him making daft decisions like moving in with her.

I appreciate many will have the view 'he made his bed ' and while that is true, blowing up your kids lives will ultimately harm you and them as you will have to pick up the pieces.
Better they hear all of this eventually in as calm a way as possible and for that to happen you need to have the truth about all of this mess so try and keep talking.

Make sure you have someone you can offload to away from the kids because you need support too.

You've lived apart before and managed so you'll manage again. You are already strong