Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

WWYD - Broken and Confused - Pls help

66 replies

SuddenlySusan44 · 13/05/2023 04:30

I don't know where to start with this but I'll try and make some kind of sense.

Married to DH for 11 yrs, together 15 yrs, 2 children (12 and 8).

Normal married life (or so I thought) until around 5 yrs ago when DH started to be different and slowly became reclusive, I put this down to stresses at work, and was becoming depressed with it. Advised therapy multiple times.

Nearly 3 long yrs later, he decided that he couldn't live in the family home anymore and rented a flat, no kind of real explanation to leaving but to be honest, he really wasn't nice to be around so didn't really fight it. I was the one who broke the news to the children and made some excuse that daddy needs time away to process his thoughts etc.

Our relationship became better for it, and then 7 months ago we made the fatal mistake of getting back together. Kids were told the news after a couple of months and they were over the moon. We decided that a fresh start was needed so around 3 weeks ago we put our house on the market and sold it last week. We had our eyes on our dream house for ages, so once we accepted the offer on our house, we put on offer on the dream house, which was accepted, great news...until it was time to start the p/work.

Confession time for DH - A yr into our relationship he stupidly started messaging a girl he orginally spoke too before meeting me, she said she only wanted to meet for sex, which DH done and then the OW threatened to tell me unless he carried on meeting her for sex! He says that he was so scared of losing me that he didn't want me to find out so carried on meeting her for sex (as he says it). Roll on 14yrs later and he says that it has continued on and off during that time and the worst bit, they have a 10yr child together. He says he doesn't see the child as a child/dad relationship but kid is there when he goes there for sex. Kid doesn't call him dad etc, so he says. He only found out she was pregnant when she was nearly due, she apparently sent a photo saying 'guess who the dad is?'. He has paid child maintenance to her since it was born, even though he says that he isn't 100% sure it's his.

DH says that he has been so scared of me finding out by her and losing me altogether that it spiralled out of control and she had more and more information on him that he had to keep it going with her to keep her quiet and to stop me getting hurt.

He has confessed now because he wants this fresh start and couldn't keep the secret anymore, and the constant threats from her are too much. He has thought about ending his life multiple times, which I first knew he felt like that before he rented the flat and has said during many hearts to hearts over the last few years.

We are due to instruct mortgage surveyors now and we have the buyers surveyors coming on Monday, what the hell do I do?!

My children are going to be crushed that we are not going to be together and doubly crushed about the new dream house too if they don't live there

I don't know what to do, I feel sick constantly, haven't slept for days. I haven't even cried yet, just shake when thinking about it all.

Please share your kind words and wisdom.

Ps - I didn't mean for this to be so long, sorry.

OP posts:

SaulSobieski · 14/05/2023 08:41

He has had two women and two families for years.

Her apparently black mailing him I to continuing the relationship and having unprotected sex with her for years is laughable.

If she's "psycho" it's because he's driven her psycho.

He sounds like an absolute liar and manipulated.

The suicide ideas are very manipulative and typical of cheaters and abusers' behaviour.

Pull out of the sale & purchase and get the fuck rid of this polygynous lying creature.

You're going to need counselling, this is very traumatic.

SaulSobieski · 14/05/2023 08:41

*manipulator

Nomore45 · 14/05/2023 08:42

Two things stand out to me:
(1) His callous, cold attitude to the child.

(2) He knowingly played with his children’s emotions by getting back together with you, promising a fresh start when he knew it was all built on sand.

Add to that, the years of lies and deceit and what you have is a terrible person, down to the core.

Please don’t stay with this man. He will keep hurting you and your children.

SaulSobieski · 14/05/2023 08:43

Oh and he "goes round there for sex" (he doesn't, he's in a relationship with her too, has been for years, she thinks she probably in a relationship with him, esp when he left you) with two kids in the house???

Or are they somewhere else when he's shagging her?

If not, what a fucking scumbag he is.

SaulSobieski · 14/05/2023 08:45

His callous, cold attitude to the child.

He knowingly played with his children’s emotions by getting back together with you,

This too.

His treatment of the kids is even worse than his treatment of his two women; and that's bad enough

Op, behaviour at this level suggests sociopathy/psychopathy/narcissism at a stratospheric level.

This dude is not right in the head.

OrbandSpectacle · 14/05/2023 08:53

behaviour at this level suggests sociopathy/psychopathy/narcissism at a stratospheric level.

I agree. Not a safe person to be around imo

Nap1983 · 14/05/2023 09:28

Not sure I believe this tbh… especially after the 4th child update.
IF it’s true and you even consider not getting him so far to fuck away from you and your kids then you really have to question Your sanity..

Zenana · 14/05/2023 12:34

If this has really happened it's simply a bloke living a double life who knows he's been or is going to be rumbled.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 14/05/2023 12:39

*He says that he was so scared of losing me that he didn't want me to find out so carried on meeting her for sex (as he says it).

All I can say to this is 'yeah, right.' There's bullshit, utter bullshit, and weapons grade bullshit and guess which this is. He's had a WHOLE OTHER LIFE, OP. For years.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 14/05/2023 12:42

Ahh poor fella just had to carry on shagging the OW to do you a favour, protect your feelings

Reminds me of my ex. 'I can't just dump her, she threatens to kill herself!'

Alcemeg · 14/05/2023 14:32

If he's calling her a psycho, I can only imagine what he's told her about you.

It's pretty clear who the real psycho is in this scenario.

LeilaRose777 · 14/07/2023 12:59

Do not sell the house you're in under any circumstances - what do you think he'll do when he gets the proceeds?
Kick him out and start the divorce. Frighten the shit out of him by saying that you're going to contact the police about the OW's "blackmail" as it's a crime, pretend you're really concerned. Tbh, is there is any truth in what he's been telling you, the police should be involved.
Change the locks, get a solicitor.
Sit the children down and tell them the truth in an age-appropriate way. Don't let him control the narrative about this either, he doesn't deserve to be shielded from the consequences.
Stay strong - do not let this man back into your life. Every time you weaken, image the life you could be living with an honest, affectionate man who loves you.

NooNaNa · 14/07/2023 13:13

He has defrauded you of your life. Would you have been with him at all had you known from the start? Think of the life you could have lived had you known what he was doing.

DelphiniumBlue · 14/07/2023 13:17

Get legal advice pronto. You know what the house is worth, find out about pensions etc . Don't do anything else till you know where you stand financially.
You may decide you want to go ahead with sale but you need make sure you will actually be able to get your hands on a fair share of the proceeds when you need to. I've seen sale proceeds frozen until agreement is reached and it can take months or even years. Don't risk making yourself homeless.

Daffodil63 · 15/07/2023 10:04

Are you ok OP? 💐 sending a hug

rainbowstardrops · 15/07/2023 10:14

What happened @SuddenlySusan44?

Flip

1 2 3