Am I selfish? Boyf borrowing money

[mumandahalf87]

I've been with my partner for a little over a year. It's been a bit bumpy due to his ex causing trouble, and I was unsure if I wanted to fully commit and get involved with it all at first. However, time ticks on and here we are. He has always been respectful of me as a person and so I have stuck with it.

We live separately, I have two children who live full time and solely with me. I'm a working mum, receiving top up UC and no maintenance. I work 32 hours a week around my youngest child, as I have no family who offer help. My partner lives alone, earns nearly £35k a year, has no children living with him full time (but does pay maintenance for his child), and is always broke, hinting to borrow money, or asking directly to.

In the past 12 months I have borrowed him money, not having any of it back so have since stopped, as I simply cannot afford it. I work to provide a life for my children over anything or anyone else, including myself. With the current climate I have seen an increase in my cost of living, as well as my youngest child who literally eats every single thing in the house.

His bills are low, he lives in an apartment that costs £450 a month. Bills are quarterly, and he uses his works car as and when he needs one, so no costs there. He is paying off two loans which I'm aware of, and so I don't mind helping him out with shopping as and when I can afford it. My living costs are more than his in the sense of housing costs and having two dependents however.

I have begun ignoring the hints for money, as he was getting far too comfortable I feel, asking to borrow a couple of times a month. He now hints but has stopped asking directly, as he knows he's never paid me back. He has only just begun paying maintenance through CSA, and is paying almost £400 a month. He used to pay £200 directly to his ex previously, so I understand this has had a knock on effect to his circumstances.

I have helped him previously as much as I can, and have been left a little short myself as the result. He has never once offered to pay me back, or been able to help me out. I have accepted this, as in most other ways he is lovely with me; gentle, well mannered and affectionate. I am starting to feel however, that it's all very one sided and he uses me when he is broke. He hardly ever takes me anywhere, if we go out I pay 9/10 times. I have now stopped this and we stay in his.

I've been single a long time previously to this relationship, and am questioning myself if I am being selfish and silly, as he is my partner and it's supposed to be a partnership, or if I'm being taken up the garden path by a man who knows my circumstances and chooses to make me feel a bit shit for not always offering to fund his lifestyle.

He rang me this afternoon hinting for money to go to a birthday party he asked me to attend with him, but has since stopped mentioning me attending and is going with friends. He sounded really sad and down in the dumps on the phone, saying how he only had £50 to go with so he wouldn't be able to stay out long. In the past I'd offer to help, but I stopped myself.

Am I being selfish?

Selfish? No, of course not! Please dump this user, who is absolutely taking the piss out of you. What does he actually bring to the table as a partner? You say you never go anywhere, except when you pay for it. The fact that he doesn’t physically abuse you like your previous partner is not enough reason to stay with him. Better off alone than with someone who financially abuses you. What kind of person takes financial advantage of a single parent when they earn more than them? You’ve only been with him a year, bin him off now and don’t be sucked in to taking him back, he’s not worth it.

How is he a partner?!

He’s a user.

He’s massively taking the piss out of you. He’s kind and gentle because he’s got you where he wants you - paying his way and making you feel bad for questioning it.

Please please please dump him. Being single is way better than being someone’s chump.

Have you told him you've any spare cash ? have you asked for any of it back ever ? He should have plenty of disposable income. I'd come back with if he's not now going as he's 'only' £50 - perhaps he can pay that back to you for some of the money he's borrowed

OP, we're trying to help you.
I'm sure you're a good mother who puts her children first.
I had a violent husband for ten years.
I think you're underestimating how abusive your current boyfriend is being.
You're not selfish.
He is, though.

While you're coming to terms he's a bit of a parasite OP. Add up how much you've loaned him and everytime he asks / hints. Say 'when are you paying the X amount you owe me back'. Shut it down.

People are trying to help you Op, stop being so defensive.
Either way that is money that should be yours whether it be for food, family things or savings.
He is taking advantage and being manipulative, playing the victim and yes he doesn't care one jot about you, his child or yours.
Selfish, entitled manchild.
You are not a cash point .
Get rid ASAP.

Ok, so it's not coming from your 'budget' but you are also not 'lending' money to your bf. You are paying him. I would be concerned that his lack of funds despite a good wage means he has high expenses like gambling, drink, drugs etc. He has under paid for his kids.

When you wouldn't pay towards his party, he no longer wanted you to go, honestly if you cease all funds towards him, and demand payment back I think he will vanish entirely. Try it and see.

Just ditch him and find someone else who pays their way

It wouldn’t matter if you had fifty hungry children or no children, the fact is he’s an adult man who’s relying on you for pocket money. That’s not sexy and it’s not ok.

I’m in a very long term relationship and I’m trying to imagine a scenario where I ask my partner for money for a night out. Nope. Either you have money for a night out of you don’t go.

Omg. Dump him. Forget him. What a complete waster.

He’s literally taking money away from your children. Disgusting.

OP, how much money does he owe you back?

What a revolting cocklodger. Throw him back and ask for all the money you lent him back too.

Has he no pride?!

This is your honeymoon period. Things won't get any better from here.

Try to see it this way:
you've not been lending him money; you've been giving it to him. He owes you and should pay his debts before asking for more or going out partying.

Don't let him try to guilt you into giving him any more when he earns more than you do and has less dependents. He is behaving as if you are his Mum who he goes to for a handout which is somewhat unattractive in an adult. This level of manipulation means he isn't good BF material.

Add up the total that he owes you and present it to him in writing asking for a set amount per week/month to pay it back. Never pay for anything again for him. If you go out anywhere, just pay for yourself. It is unlikely that he will suddenly start paying for you or paying you back. It is more likely that you won't see him again. You should never have to "buy" someone in order for them to be with you. He will be no loss.

Instead of giving him any more money, you could put the amount he asks for into a different savings pot and use it towards birthdays/Christmas/days out/treats for your family.

@Goodadvice1980

I have no idea. Not thousands obviously. He first borrowed money around 6 months ago. It wasn't an immediate thing. He then began asking every month, to which I started declining.

He still hints in hope, like today, but he doesn't get anything now. I'm due a promotion at work next month. He doesn't know and I don't particularly want him about by then either.

Good Lord woman, what are you thinking? He's not lovely at all, far from it.

Why aren't you asking for the money he "borrowed" back? He's clearly never going to offer it nor does he feel any remorse or embarrassment about borrowing money from his girlfriend who is raising 2 children. He is a total user and no doubt you will find yourself dumped when the money runs out.

Keep your hard earned cash for yourself and your children, surely they should be your priority. What have you deprived them of in order to keep this waster in your life?

I hope you will teach them to watch out for people who try to take advantage of them!

Regardless of your "budget" the fact is you have been giving this person money that could and should otherwise benefit you / your children / your home.

Just because your last partner was even worse than this one doesn't make this one worth holding on to.

Get an approx amount you have given him and ask for it back, even instalments would be better than no return. If you get anything great, if you don't it's a horrible lesson. You are not being selfish in any way. I completely understand why you are thinking like that, I was in an abusive marriage and even now with my DH number 2, I'm still apologising, trying to please etc it's ingrained. Hugs, ditch this one you deserve better. Or at least tell him what you have said here, he should be ashamed of himself. X

Surely you can see what people are trying to say to you? Regardless of your costs, your budget etc., the plain fact is that money is going from your purse into his wallet, money that should be spent on you and your own family.

he lives in an apartment that costs £450 a month.

WHERE???

You sound like an amazing mum who is bringing up two children to understand money and is working and being a fab role model.

Previous guy clearly was a bad one all round but you got out and sorted yourself out and this one is better but has his own issues.

I would distance yourself from him and have 6 months to stabilise again and hope you find the great guy you deserve x

That's brilliant, OP. Well done.
I can see that you've stopped giving him money now, after he failed to pay back the first few hundred.
That's good. Keep it that way.
You've obviously got a good head on your shoulders.
This man may not be punching you but he's still being abusive, just in a different way.
It looks like you've realised that anyway.
He's got a nerve, saying you're selfish.
You're anything but.

@Wishimaywishimight you must have missed my post where I just informed everyone that my children are highly deprived and I'm off to send them to social services.

Fair enough.

@trisfreya

North Wales 😂

OP please don't fall into the trap of thinking that because this man is 'better' than your ex, he is somehow all that you're worth. I did this - my ex was physically and mentally abusive, so after I finally left him I ended up with a man who was outwardly sweet and kind and never at all abusive in the way my ex was. For that reason I ignored the fact that he was clearly using me for money and to fund his massive drug habit, as well as regularly going off radar on drink and drug binges that lasted for days. I put up with that for far too long and kept telling myself that just because he wasn't smacking me around he was the best I could hope for.

You're worth more than this OP. Don't swap one form of abuse for another, even if one is more insidious and less obvious. I'm now in a relationship with a man who is sweet, and kind, and supportive, and doesn't use me - I realised I am worth being with someone who is a true partner to me, and so are you.

Good luck!