Am I selfish? Boyf borrowing money

[mumandahalf87]

I've been with my partner for a little over a year. It's been a bit bumpy due to his ex causing trouble, and I was unsure if I wanted to fully commit and get involved with it all at first. However, time ticks on and here we are. He has always been respectful of me as a person and so I have stuck with it.

We live separately, I have two children who live full time and solely with me. I'm a working mum, receiving top up UC and no maintenance. I work 32 hours a week around my youngest child, as I have no family who offer help. My partner lives alone, earns nearly £35k a year, has no children living with him full time (but does pay maintenance for his child), and is always broke, hinting to borrow money, or asking directly to.

In the past 12 months I have borrowed him money, not having any of it back so have since stopped, as I simply cannot afford it. I work to provide a life for my children over anything or anyone else, including myself. With the current climate I have seen an increase in my cost of living, as well as my youngest child who literally eats every single thing in the house.

His bills are low, he lives in an apartment that costs £450 a month. Bills are quarterly, and he uses his works car as and when he needs one, so no costs there. He is paying off two loans which I'm aware of, and so I don't mind helping him out with shopping as and when I can afford it. My living costs are more than his in the sense of housing costs and having two dependents however.

I have begun ignoring the hints for money, as he was getting far too comfortable I feel, asking to borrow a couple of times a month. He now hints but has stopped asking directly, as he knows he's never paid me back. He has only just begun paying maintenance through CSA, and is paying almost £400 a month. He used to pay £200 directly to his ex previously, so I understand this has had a knock on effect to his circumstances.

I have helped him previously as much as I can, and have been left a little short myself as the result. He has never once offered to pay me back, or been able to help me out. I have accepted this, as in most other ways he is lovely with me; gentle, well mannered and affectionate. I am starting to feel however, that it's all very one sided and he uses me when he is broke. He hardly ever takes me anywhere, if we go out I pay 9/10 times. I have now stopped this and we stay in his.

I've been single a long time previously to this relationship, and am questioning myself if I am being selfish and silly, as he is my partner and it's supposed to be a partnership, or if I'm being taken up the garden path by a man who knows my circumstances and chooses to make me feel a bit shit for not always offering to fund his lifestyle.

He rang me this afternoon hinting for money to go to a birthday party he asked me to attend with him, but has since stopped mentioning me attending and is going with friends. He sounded really sad and down in the dumps on the phone, saying how he only had £50 to go with so he wouldn't be able to stay out long. In the past I'd offer to help, but I stopped myself.

Am I being selfish?

he saw you coming. Cut your losses and run.

Just to clarify, I budget every month. I won't go into the details of every space my money goes to, but my children are provided for and have a savings account each. They also are taught to budget, as I feel this will be needed when they're older.

Well that's bollocks because you can't choose how much you get. What if she gets paid 500 pcm UC and gives away 100. Does that mean she shouldn't claim because she only needs 400?

Please get rid of this leach

You truly deserve better than this op.

You sound a nice person. A nice person deserves nice things back, not a user who won't build life with you.

You didn't even sound that sure of him.in the beginning. That was your gut instinct right there.

it never comes from the money I budget for my children

Yes it does. Because if leeching bf wasn't taking this money you'd have even more to spend on your children or save for them. Simple economics. You have budgetted £ 50 for children, bf has been lent £ 50. That's an additional £ 50 you could have used for a day out or treats. Same pot of money, being stretched further and thinner.

It does not come from my children's funds. I'm not saying that comment again.

Has he paid back any of the money you lent him in the past?
Also, you say that you don't give him money you've budgeted for your own children - but you could be putting money into a savings account for them, or for a holiday or new clothes.
It's awful that you had a violent partner in the past, but moving on to a new man who borrows your money and doesn't pay enough towards his own children is not an improvement.
He's still an abuser.

Turn this around:

You earn significantly less, and are supporting (alone) three people.

He earns more, is supporting his DC at the lowest level, and is always broke?

And OP, I'm sorry to say that if you are seeing these red flags in his behaviour with you, I'm more than willing to believe that any "trouble" his ex has caused is a result of her responding to his behaviour.

£50 for a night out? hahahahaha. I mean, if he was going for a slap up meal sure but it sounds like this was just down the pub? We have a significantly higher income than that and I'd spend £50 on a night out if it was dinner and wine with girlfriends in a nice restaurant, but just meeting up with friends for a couple of drinks I would be horrified if I spent that much.

He's using you, taking advantage of your past.

Partnership is two ways. What did he bring to you and your family?

If you sacrificed financially to support him (putting aside if he really "needs" it with his salary/expenses), what did he sacrifice for you and your children?

Words/gestures are easy, it's the meaningful actions that count to tell a person.

Even without his leeching off you, it sounds like this isn't the man for you. The early days of a relationship (and I'm very old, so a year feels like nothing to me!) should lift your heart and bring you joy, hope and confidence.

Just throw this one back, there are much better ones out there.

Thank you for your comments everyone. I am very grateful to you all.

Everyone heard the first time. Their point is, although it's not taken from their budget, its 1 less family meal a month, its one less ballet class or new tyre to fix the bike sitting in the garage. It's maybe even a bit of money towards a night away. If it's money that could go spare (which clearly it can if you are giving it to bf to fund his lifestyle) then it's money that could go towards your family/children, and instead, is going towards some twat getting pissed for his friends bday.

If ex BIL gets into a new relationship, he'll tell everyone that SIL's behaviour was terrible and she's "keeping him away from their DC" and is the reason he has no job.

The reality is that she's told him he has to stop only seeing the DC in HER house and whenever he wants ie she wants him to take them out and agree set times. And he lost his job because he's a lazy, incompetent twat (he thinks it's because she kicked him out).

You have been very sensible not to move in with this man. But I'd question the entire relationship personally. I mean, the lack of pride alone would have me getting the ick. Borrowing money from a single mum who earns less than I do so that I can go drinking? Cringeworthy.

As a parent of two children, what is he bringing to the table? Why would you give him money to the detriment of your children?

He is your boyfriend not your husband so no idea why you would be lending him any money when he has lower household costs than you too!

You know there's an option to be single?

It's not a case of choosing the least bad partner?!

OK, if you weren't lending it to bf what would you be doing with it?

Borrowing money from a single mum who earns less than I do so that I can go drinking? Cringeworthy.

Exactly.

I'm off to put my children up for adoption now because they are apparently starved, deprived of essentials, will never have more than 2 holidays a year that I budget for etc. Didn't realise you could have such an insight into someone's life off a few paragraphs.

Cash in fungible so any money he takes yes is potential money that could've gone towards your children.

What does he bring to the table exactly??

OK, I'm out. Good luck, OP.

Next time I post I'll pop a full breakdown of my costs for the scavengers to pick at also. You can really sink your teeth in then.

He takes money from you and doesn’t pay you back. Even if it isn’t from the budget for your children, it is still impacting your children by increasing the strain on household finances.

he was clearly underpaying his ex for child maintenance. That alone should be so unattractive that you want to dump him immediately.

responsible adults manage their finances and don’t ask girlfriends for loans. If a desperate situation arises, loans are paid back asap. This isn’t the type of person you want a future with. Fine if you just want a social life, but don’t get serious

Nobody is say you are starving your children. But you have to see that giving your BF money must reduce the money that you have that could be spent on them. Or a holiday. Or saved for Christmas. Or whatever.

OP - getting defensive like this actually feels to me like words he has put in your head. You know, "but you have everything you need so why can't you lend me £20?"

No one is saying your children are deprived. But there's no doubt that when money is tight, giving it to some waster so that he can get a takeaway or buy a few pints is just ridiculous.