How can I tell DP I don't want him to try out my sport?!

[FizzyRibena]

I do Muay Thai twice per week. One time in a small group. One time as a one-on-one with a coach.

It's my completely happy place. I absolutely lose myself in it, especially at one-on-ones.

DP has said he might be interested in trying it out and is thinking about booking a one-on-one with the coach. This would be totally separate from my coaching sessions.

But I feel really grumpy about it. It's hard to articulate but I don't want him to. I know I sound like an unreasonable spoiled child.

I know I can't (and wouldn't) stop him from giving it a try. But it feels kind of sacrosanct and like something I 'own' just for myself. And I do mean 'own' because its so different from a normal sports club or fitness class - its a real sense of ownership of my skills, my body, my time, my confidence. I just don't want DP anywhere near it.

How the hell can I articulate this without sounding like an absolute twat <with the caveat that I know I'm actually being a bit of a twat>?

DP's a normal, reasonable human but I need the right words to explain my thoughts. Give me some words, please MN, so I can formulate them into some kind of articulate way to tell DP to fuck off!

'DP, sorry you're with such a selfish person. You might want to reconsider your choice of partner.'

That's a great suggestion, thank you very much @TheInterceptor 😊

I knew the reply would get nasty and perty.

But, op, I totally get wanting to have •your thing•.

I can you just explain to him how much it means to you and that you want to have a ”private” thing.

Again, totally understand not wanting someone to come and ruin it.

*petty .

If he was going to join you in a group class then I could understand but he isn’t. It will be separate. Let him get on with it but you could tell him that this is your “me” time and you don’t want it to become something you do together.

The thing is, if he starts to do it then he will start to talk about it with the OP. It won't be "her" thing any more. And, to generalise massively here, like many men he will soon become an expert on it. Will know all the techniques. And possibly may start to advise the OP...

I would be disappointed as well OP. Maybe have an honest chat with him? Or hope his enthusiasm fades?

@Lifesagamethentheytaketheboardaway This is why I'm struggling to articulate my feelings, because I don't want him anywhere near any of it. If he was suggesting joining a group session, I'd be able to just say "Nope, no way" and he'd be okay with that.

But I don't want him doing a one-on-one with the coach either. And I can't articulate why. It feels invasive even though its technically separate.

@SinglePonders I know, that's what I need to figure out how to explain properly!

I get it op.

What if he went to a different coach?

@Qbish That's most definitely part of it. I don't think DP would start advising me at all. But, yeah, we'd necessarily start to talk about it and maybe start to practice at home together. But I don't want that.

And even if DP promised to never mention it at home to keep it separate, I'd still know he's there, circulating in my world, in my happy place.

What stops you saying to your partner exactly what you've said to us? 'I know I sound like a spoilt brat but I'd really prefer you didn't do this, because it's my own 'special thing'.'

My concern would be less about the subject matter, here, and more about the fact that you're concerned about your partner seeing the real you, warts and all. It's not really even much of a wart, it's not like you've hurt someone or broken the law. Does your DP have certain expectations of you, such as to behave totally reasonably at all times, despite the fact that you're human?

What would you do if the situation was reversed, and he was honest with you about how he felt? Would you think he was a spoilt brat, or would you think 'Fair enough. Bit silly, but whatever makes you happy...'

I used to do Thai Boxing years ago in a really grimy gym. It’s a cool thing to do and when you tell people ( especially men) there’s a bit of kudos with it. He wants a bit of that action. I would also be narked about it. ( sorry I can’t help you with your rationale.)

Is it because he wants to do 1-2-1's with the same coach?

I have a PT I see a few times a week. I wouldn't like the idea of my DH using the same PT though. I've seen this guy for years and we chat a bit. Not loads, but you do end up talking about your lives and I don't think I'd want to talk about my life and feelings knowing that he would be seeing my DH a few days later.

That said, I wouldn't try to stop my DH from using him. I think I'd just discreetly suggest someone else as a better fit for him and if he was determined to use my PT, I'd just accept it. From his POV, my using the PT for so long is a first class recommendation, after all.

I know exactly what you mean, and I couldn’t quite articulate why I wanted to keep something to myself that I didn’t own.

I did couch to 5k a few years ago. It was the only time I had to myself away from the demands of family life. It was my ‘me’ time, my headspace, my thing. DH had never liked running, showed no interest in it.

I started getting quite reasonable times for 5km and 10km, joined a run club and then got a bit quicker. Nothing brilliant as such, but I was proud of it. My 5km PB was 25ish minutes.

DH then starts running. Suddenly interested in his own times etc. Then used my PBs as his goal times to beat. I absolutely hated it, didn’t want to share it and felt like a petulant child. He said I’d inspired him, I said he was copying and that was different. Why couldn’t he just stick to swimming like he’d always done. I didn’t get to run alone, he always wanted to come too.

Funnily enough when I stopped due to a health problem, he stopped too.

@cocksstrideintheevening and @Songlyrics A different coach would help a bit, maybe. The coach is actually quite a big part of it being my happy place so, TBH, I don't want to share him with DP. LOL.

@Divebar2021 Yeah, the gym where we do groups is pretty grimy. It's part of why I love it. I can't explain it but its wonderful 😅I've been doing Thai for about two years now and I'm actually really good. I think men do start to fancy a bit of the action (like yours and like @BabbleBee fellas) when they see us getting good at something. DP's not a twat or a masculine manly tosser, at all. But I think there's something deeply ingrained which even the best of men can't help trying to get a piece of.

@Watchkeys You're totally right, I've kind of articulated it here, haven't I?! I've answered my own question! DP doesn't expect me to behave reasonably at all times, no. It's just that I want to be able to properly articulate why I'm being U, rather than just being a bit of a stampy-footed child about it 😂

Do you know why your dp wants to take it up? Is it a misplaced attempt to reconnect with you?

Could you say something along the lines of “it’s really nice that you want to get involved in my thing but I’m quite happy keeping it just my thing. Can we look at something else we can take up together?”

@Yetanothernamechangeagain Hmmm, that's a very good question.

I don't think it's an attempt to (re)connect with me. We're pretty well connected already. It's not like we have lots of other pressures pulling us away from each other. And him having a one-on-one wouldn't even really connect us because they'd be totally separate sessions.

I think its possibly a bit more simple, TBH. We both like watching combat sports and have done for years. Then I started doing Muay Thai and loved it and told him how much I loved it. And he likely thinks "That sounds fun and do-able, I'll give it a try"

'Hey DP, it's great that you are looking for a new hobby but to be honest I really value having an activity that's 'mine' and I worry that if you start doing it too you'll want to start training together, talking about it etc and I know it's a bit unreasonable but I'm really not up for it becoming'our' thing. Is there something else you could try instead?'

Seriously, just say it. If he's reasonable he'll probably just laugh at you and move on. If he gets all arsey then you have a different issue altogether

I get it OP. I’d feel the same way.

luckily I’m one of those people who values my alone time, and I knew DH was a keeper when he spotted it very early on (second date) and buggered off so I could have some peace.

so I know I’d be able to say. No way mate, I need some time away from you. This is MINE.

but I probably would suggest if he’s looking for a new thing, we pick up something completely new together — if you both like combat spots you could try something unusual like medieval sword skills.

I think its possibly a bit more simple, TBH. We both like watching combat sports and have done for years. Then I started doing Muay Thai and loved it and told him how much I loved it. And he likely thinks "That sounds fun and do-able, I'll give it a try"

This makes sense. I completely get where both of you are coming from.

Its interesting you use the world "childish". It is a sitution that we see more often in children - one child wants to do something, another child copies, then "stop copying me!". I wonder if it is because children, with so little scope for independence and individualisation, then focus that need on these small things. Its that feeling of wanting to be "yourself", i.e. different from others, and explore something on your own terms.

I'd say "DH it's lovely that you are enthusiastic about my interests. In a relationship I feel its really important to have some separate interests too, so that we can each keep a strong sense of ourselves as individuals. I think that makes us stronger as a couple. Please could you pick a different martial art / sport to try, it would be cool to hear all about it?"

I think it's reasonable that you don't go at the same time, but you don't own the activity. Plenty of couples go to the gym independently for example and wouldn't dream of banning their partner from joining the same gym (or shouldn't!).

The thing is, he's not actually on the look out for a new hobby in general. It's not like he's thinking "What can I try which I can then start doing on Tuesday evenings". So I don't think he'd be looking at anything else (sword fighting, a different sport etc.) if Muay Thai was off the table. So if I banned him, he wouldn't be trawling for different/other activities to try out IYSWIM.

I think its just that Muay Thai (or at least trying it out) is kind of on the table now. It's quite easily accessible because of my coach, its certified fun because I talk about how great it is, and its evidently do-able because I've gotten very good at it.

@MMMarmite HA! Yes, I do feel a bit like that "Stop copying me!" Its hard to explain but I feel like DP trying it would kind of take the wind out of my sails. Maybe that is about a bid for individuality and expression, I just hadn't really realised that before.

Is your one on one coach a handsome strapping young man by any chance?

@Truestorypeeps I get that totally. But its very different from a normal gym situation. I absolutely wouldn't have the same sense of 'ownership' over a regular gym. I do a circuits class every week too and I've asked DP to come along to that loads of times!

@MysteryBelle LOL. No. He's a lovely young man. But I don't find him particularly handsome. And he's definitely not strapping. He's miles and miles from my usual type 😁

I think you can basically tell him what you said in your OP. I think most people understand the appeal of having something that's just theirs, and you say your husband is a reasonable person so surely you can just tell him.

Just say something like : -

"Its great that you're showing a interest in this thing that I love, but I kind of like having this thing that's just for me. It's important to me to have parts of our lives that are independant from each other, it gives us something to talk to each other about, keeps us from becoming a boring couple. I'm happy for you to take up a different martial art but could you leave this one for me."