How can I tell DP I don't want him to try out my sport?!

[FizzyRibena]

I do Muay Thai twice per week. One time in a small group. One time as a one-on-one with a coach.

It's my completely happy place. I absolutely lose myself in it, especially at one-on-ones.

DP has said he might be interested in trying it out and is thinking about booking a one-on-one with the coach. This would be totally separate from my coaching sessions.

But I feel really grumpy about it. It's hard to articulate but I don't want him to. I know I sound like an unreasonable spoiled child.

I know I can't (and wouldn't) stop him from giving it a try. But it feels kind of sacrosanct and like something I 'own' just for myself. And I do mean 'own' because its so different from a normal sports club or fitness class - its a real sense of ownership of my skills, my body, my time, my confidence. I just don't want DP anywhere near it.

How the hell can I articulate this without sounding like an absolute twat <with the caveat that I know I'm actually being a bit of a twat>?

DP's a normal, reasonable human but I need the right words to explain my thoughts. Give me some words, please MN, so I can formulate them into some kind of articulate way to tell DP to fuck off!

Let’s be honest, if you were doing ballet dancing, trained in a group once a week and had 1-1 another time, your DH wouldn’t be trying to start ballet dancing too.

it’s making you uncomfortable because subconsciously, he is trying to get one on you.
It’s often seen as a masculine sport. You’re good at it, he isn’t. So here is an area where he is supposed to be better than you and he isn’t.
He is invading your ME time and is introducing an element of comparaison there, when you are doing it for yourself.
The fact he is wanting to do that ‘just because’ and isn’t really interested in a new hobby says it all tbh.

@RetiredEarly I do get your point, I really do. But, to take your example, DP's never watched or been interested in ballet. But he's always followed/watched combat sports. But I do take your point, honestly, and I'm not trying to excuse DP. He's a decent man. But a man after all.

I am sorry but I wouldn’t be impressed with my DH trying to dictate what new hobby I could try out. I think you’re being completely unreasonable.

Ok, op. 😉

I think you're making a lot of assumptions there and it comes across as a bit of a man bashing post. OP enjoys it, has told her partner who already is interested in martial arts, so it sounds reasonable that he might like to go and get enjoyment out of it too.

I was just about to ask the same?

I completely understand op. I get pissed off when DH comes shopping with me!!

Tell him the muay Thai coach is really soft and it'd be too easy for him??

The coach is actually quite a big part of it being my happy place so, TBH, I don't want to share him with DP. LOL.

I can only imagine the responses on here if a man was saying this about his female coach & not wanting his wife to see her. The responses would be a hell of a lot different to what the OP is getting 😂

🎯

Hey you know that moment when you’re in your happy place wrestling on the floor with a young martial arts hunk with his nostrils flaring and muscles shimmering and then a vision of your husband wide eyed and confused intrudes itself into your brain?

What a bummer!

You could say that you're concerned that, even though neither of you might intend it to feel this way, with both of you pursuing the same activity you might end up feeling like you're in competition with someone who's supposed to be your partner, not your competitor. And that with him doing it too, instead of the sport being something that's entirely separate from your relationship and the rest of your life, and therefore something of a psychological escape valve for your mental health and wellbeing, it could be drawn in to being a very connected part of your life, with influence flowing both ways between the sport part of your life and the relationship part of your life.

Or maybe appeal to his masculinity a bit by saying that he'd probably be better than you quite soon, and you don't want to subconsciously feel second-best at your own thing.

Thanks all, there are some really useful comments here. I'm glad most people can see why I'm a bit grumpy even though it's totally unreasonable.

Thank you!

I sort of understand this feeling because i used to be with someone who took everything that was "mine" (and disrespected everything be didn't want). He literally stole my interests, likes and even medical condition.

However, OP - if he is reasonable then maybe consider whether it's actually worth stopping him from trying it out. It does not need to be something you share if you don't want to, but it may be if you were willing to give it a try.

However, you can definitely tell him that it is important for you to have activities that are "your own" and you wouldn't feel comfortable with him attending sessions of the same sport with the couch. This is "your thing" and you would like to keep it this way.

This will also eliminate potential of any competitiveness between you or the potential that his attitude to your hobby will sour if he doesn't enjoy it as much as you did.

Suggest he takes up a different martial art, Judo perhaps with a young female coach he can grapple with.

'Circulating in your world'? Hmm.

On one hand OP, I get it. Muay Thai is a traditional masculine sport. You probably feel like a 'cool girl' doing it, Something that boosts your confidence, that 'you' are the expert on. And as PP said once men in general start to get into something they have a tendency to mansplain, etc.

At the same time, it's unreasonable to prevent him from trying it out. AND if he's a reasonable man, you should be able to cut the mansplaining short. You both watch combat sports, so it's not entirely out of left field.

It's a bit like you introducing a friend to someone, and the two of them getting along better which each other and do their own stuff. It's annoying, but there's really nothing you can do.

Your 'happy place' as well shouldn't depend on the opinion, and the presence, or absence of any third party. That means you're not really focusing on yourself. It's validating you in comparison to others. That way trouble lies. Sooner or later someone else might have decided to join and that would have ruined it for you too.

Also @FizzyRibena I do think this is in the context of wider behaviour - there are men that try to ruin things, yes but you have said he's decent.
I've gotten into DP's things, as he has into mine but as I said I'm more than capable of telling him to sod off if he starts mansplaining. But then again I tend to be quite, erm, assertive. :)

Tell him not to be a copy cunt.

This is what I’d suggest too. That way h can be in his happy place where the coach is a big part of why he’s in his happy place.

In that case, can he not try another combat sport?

i think it’s healthy for partners to have different interests to each other.
You have yours. He an have his.
Why choosing the same one than you?

It does seem to feel a bit invasive when you carve out a bit of happy my space and your significant other squeezes in on it I remember embarking on a quest to improve my machine sewing skills ex husband decided it was a fun thing to do and he could make money so instead of improving my skills I ended up teaching him how to use the machine and of course everyone wanted to be supportive so everything he made was far superior to anything I made 🙄 ten years later I've just found his "makes" in my loft and threw them away 😂

Yeah, I can see why you’d feel this way. I don’t know very much about Muay Thai but if he ended up “better” than you (like the guy who aimed to beat all his partners running times - what the hell), would it feel like he’d taken it away from you?

The running guy is my DH. Just thought I’d put it out there that he never did beat my PBs

"What would you do if the situation was reversed"

She'd be told " I'm not saying he's cheating but my spidey sense is tingling, tell him you're so proud of the progress he's made and you want to b join him for a session. His response will be very telling. If he's hesitant then you might have bigger problems than you thought. "

Or

"He's being ridiculous and controlling. He doesn't get to ban you from doing something in your own time in an activity that won't involve him at all. If he doesn't get ownership of something you both have an interest in just because he tried it first. Can't think of anything more attractive than a man toddler who thinks he can shout "I saw it first" and expect to get his way"

Exactly!

I get it if he was going along to your sessions/group, but he's not.