How can I tell DP I don't want him to try out my sport?!

[FizzyRibena]

I do Muay Thai twice per week. One time in a small group. One time as a one-on-one with a coach.

It's my completely happy place. I absolutely lose myself in it, especially at one-on-ones.

DP has said he might be interested in trying it out and is thinking about booking a one-on-one with the coach. This would be totally separate from my coaching sessions.

But I feel really grumpy about it. It's hard to articulate but I don't want him to. I know I sound like an unreasonable spoiled child.

I know I can't (and wouldn't) stop him from giving it a try. But it feels kind of sacrosanct and like something I 'own' just for myself. And I do mean 'own' because its so different from a normal sports club or fitness class - its a real sense of ownership of my skills, my body, my time, my confidence. I just don't want DP anywhere near it.

How the hell can I articulate this without sounding like an absolute twat <with the caveat that I know I'm actually being a bit of a twat>?

DP's a normal, reasonable human but I need the right words to explain my thoughts. Give me some words, please MN, so I can formulate them into some kind of articulate way to tell DP to fuck off!

I'd just tell him not to be a tagnut and get his own hobby.

I completely understand. I do ice skating in a club and lots of boyfriends have suddenly asked if they can come with me. When you do an unusual sport you create your own world and it's your thing. I would just say that you like to do it on your own because it's your thing; that's pretty much what I have said. Although I have taken people and they generally hate it so that's another option!

I think this gets to the heart of it. It’s the lack of imagination. The copying. The shortcut to having a thing.

Why of all the sports and hobbies is it this one he’s interested in?

This

My ex wanted everything that was mine - eg crossword puzzle never any interest and then he would do it early eg 5 am so it was done and then he’d show me
running was his thing not mine

he did however want to come and said he had been Horseriding in the past / I let him - it turned out he’s been on a donkey on the beach as a toddler and 5 huge horses - 2 of whom were tricky terrified him shitless. Put him on the most docile of them and put him on the arena - this was literally a horse that did everything asked - he pooped his pants and after 30 minutes staggered off home and then ‘couldn’t move’ as Mr Marathon runner couldn’t cope with the pain in his legs.
He never came again.

In your case I’d just say this is my happy place and my mental and physical well being - pick a different sport as others have phrased very eloquently

Common issue. My friend started parkrun as her thing, then her dp wanted to come and it was no longer her thing to escape to while he dealt with dc lifts etc, they had to take turns, she was furious.
I am starting a new volunteer thing, dh has realised its something a friend of his does, and has got interested but he did actually ask me if I wanted it to be my thing because if so he would look for something else.
I think you have to be vulnerable and say something. Even if its f off and find your own sport matey.

I get it @FizzyRibena (great name btw).

I have a friend who has so far "stolen" 3 of my sports (I know no one owns a sport, but I introduced them to her, helped her buy equipment, brought he to the club). She works far fewer hours than me and has a lot more time to dedicate to them, whilst in scrabble around trying to find windows for "me time". Then she is unbearably smug about how good she is getting.

So there's that, but also I want a place (for real or in my mind) where dh doesn't go,or in fact anyone who wants anything from me other than company doing the sport. DH and I spend enough time together as it is, and he gets all into heart rate, technique, "metrics" and really specific bits of kit. I just want headspace!

Having separate interests and activities is part of keeping a relationship alive. Another thing he’s doing here is eroding some of that.

As a PP said, it’s a common thing. Very irritating and unattractive.

It's not irritating and unattractive if you're in a relationship with someone you like and respect. DP and I have tried to get each other into most of our individual interests with varying degrees of success. I can't relate to this weird territorialism about "my" interests at all. Is it similar to those couples who have "his" friends and "her" friends and never the twain shall meet?

Which isn't to say I don't get where the OP is coming from but to be honest she needs to OWN that she's being unreasonable and childish. Like a PP said, when you love your partner you indulge them their strange unreasonable quirks, and this doesn't need to be a huge deal. If DP said "yes I know it's weird that I don't want you to do X but it's still important to me" I would probably roll my eyes a little but it would be OK! But don't try to present it as you being reasonable because you're not.

This is an annoying thing that some men do so that their partners do not have any independence. Having a common hobby mutually can be great, and people often meet that way.

I would try and find a mutual hobby rather than him piggybacking on yours

Sounds like it's more about the coach than the sport, from both perspectives.

But the DP could just as easily have done another sport, at the same time slot as parkrun - then they'd still have to take turns, no?

fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice ....
Why did you help her again after the first time?

Thanks for all your comments. I'm glad people get it. I know it's ridiculous and childish.

Absolutely nothing untoward about the coach - him and DP have met several times. He also sometimes runs a circuits class that I go to which I've invited DP along to a few times.

I'm not trying to keep DP away from the coach in general but, yes, I don't want him having Muay Thai coaching with my Muay Thai coach.

It's hard to explain. It just feels like something I'm conquering, getting better at, owning in my life which is otherwise pretty predictable.

I don't have a stressful life but my life is very 'small' and very tied to home - I work from home almost permanently; I generally work alone; I don't travel for work; we don't go on holiday; apart from one time to visit family I haven't been more than two miles from my house since before Covid; my career has plateaued.

Don't get me wrong, I'm really very happy with my life. But having something which is totally different and totally removed from my domestic life - from my home, from DP, from everyday routines - is blissful. I want to keep it that way.

You don't have to justify your feelings. They're all valid. If your partner respects you, he'll try to do whatever's best for you, as long as it doesn't breach his own boundaries. I'm sure that there's lots of other interesting things he could find to do, in the world, so I'd hope that he would prioritise his respect for your happiness over his need for Muay Thai. If he prioritises his need for Muay Thai above your happiness, it will tell you as much as you need to know about your relationship.

It means something to you. Explain that to him, and he'll get it.

Put this way it makes more sense, maybe you should just explain it to your DP.
But it also looks like your life is a bit meh in general and could do with shaking up. So this is a symptom of a bigger issue.

@BabbleBee I had this with my DP! I had to try really hard not to say don't take my thing. He'd start telling me what routes I should try and even worse, it was another thing to ask me endless questions rather than figure it out himself. 🙄

I indulged and bought him running kit for his birthday but after a while he lost interest. I'm injured so now nobody runs!

OP you just have to let him get in with it I'm afraid, but I totally know that feeling of 'one thing, just let me have my one thing! '