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Original poster

DP keeping secrets

77 replies

Itsvalentino · 11/05/2023 12:29

DP newish career of about 2 years, doing really well, lots of pay rises, career progressing well.

In January he told my Dad about a change in his career, same company but he'd be heading up a new London office, more of a virtual office apparently but would require nights away from home, my dad mentioned it to me, so obviously I asked DP. He made out my dad had got the wrong end of the stick, and it was only something the company were looking into, and would likely not happen, I mentioned that it'd be a hell of a commute (we live West Mids) his reply "yes it will be, but think of the mileage I'll get paid).

No mention since, until his company announced it on LinkedIn, again I asked DP, he said again that it didn't seem to be going well, and probably wouldn't happen.

I asked him not to agree to anything without finding out the finer details, frequency of time away from home etc, as we have taken on a huge house renovation, builders in daily, as well as undertaking a lot of the internal work ourselves, so we need to plan around that, I'd need dates to fit around both of our jobs and 2 teens etc he said he would find out the definitive plans and let me know, this was 3 weeks ago.

This morning, I've had a nosey in his work diary, which was left on the sofa, and he's booked for an overnight next week, and another in 2 weeks time.

Am I wrong to be pissed off at this? I'm not his Mom, he doesn't need my permission, but I feel like he's sneaking around. When is going to tell me? Neither of us have ever worked away before, so you'd think it's something he ought to discuss with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsvalentino · 11/05/2023 18:21

Anyone? AIBU?

OP posts:
thefactsarefriendly · 11/05/2023 18:24

He doesn't seem to want to tell you the truth about it. The important thing is how you feel about this lack of clarity. If it is causing you anxiety or distress, then he is being unreasonable and you are not.

ComtesseDeSpair · 11/05/2023 18:28

Does he actually get much/any choice in whether or not his company decides he has to work away? You’ve obviously made your feelings about it known by asking him not to agree to anything, which I suspect is going to make him stick his head in the sand and avoid having the discussion if he was told he needed to be away and didn’t have much say in the matter. I think that’s a somewhat different situation to “keeping secrets.”

WeeOrcadian · 11/05/2023 18:49

It seems very cloak and dagger, but disproportionately so

Is he prone to lying?

Original poster
Itsvalentino · 11/05/2023 20:01

thefactsarefriendly · 11/05/2023 18:24

He doesn't seem to want to tell you the truth about it. The important thing is how you feel about this lack of clarity. If it is causing you anxiety or distress, then he is being unreasonable and you are not.

I suffer with awful anxiety, have just started counselling as felt close to a breakdown, he knows this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsvalentino · 11/05/2023 20:02

ComtesseDeSpair · 11/05/2023 18:28

Does he actually get much/any choice in whether or not his company decides he has to work away? You’ve obviously made your feelings about it known by asking him not to agree to anything, which I suspect is going to make him stick his head in the sand and avoid having the discussion if he was told he needed to be away and didn’t have much say in the matter. I think that’s a somewhat different situation to “keeping secrets.”

He has the choice, from what he’s told my dad. He doesn’t need to stay down there, it’s a long drive but his meetings are only 2 hours long.

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsvalentino · 11/05/2023 20:04

WeeOrcadian · 11/05/2023 18:49

It seems very cloak and dagger, but disproportionately so

Is he prone to lying?

Unfortunately yes.

He blames his ex wife, apparently he wasn’t ‘allowed’ to do anything so seems he learnt to be sneaky.

We’ve been together over a decade and I have never stopped him doing anything, yet his old sneaky habits are still here.

OP posts:
thefactsarefriendly · 11/05/2023 20:13

I suffer with awful anxiety, have just started counselling as felt close to a breakdown, he knows this.

The issue, regardless of the truth or otherwise of his work situation, is that he is not turning towards your distress. That's unkind. Transparent communication is essential in building trust. It sounds as though that trust is being carelessly thrown away (by him).

Riverlee · 11/05/2023 20:16

If he has to Attend meetings, he probably doesn’t get a say in when he has to be there. Also, if it’s a long drive, you can’t expect him to go there and and back in a day, or if it’s an early meeting, get up at a ridiculous time. Also, although he only has one meeting, he may have other stuff to do there, especially if he’s heading up the office. Maybe, although they’re in his diary, they’re not confirmed yet.

However, it would be polite to tell you if his plans. Maybe he’s only just found out and hasn’t got around to it. Or maybe he knew you’d try and talk him out of going.

Original poster
Itsvalentino · 11/05/2023 20:21

Riverlee · 11/05/2023 20:16

If he has to Attend meetings, he probably doesn’t get a say in when he has to be there. Also, if it’s a long drive, you can’t expect him to go there and and back in a day, or if it’s an early meeting, get up at a ridiculous time. Also, although he only has one meeting, he may have other stuff to do there, especially if he’s heading up the office. Maybe, although they’re in his diary, they’re not confirmed yet.

However, it would be polite to tell you if his plans. Maybe he’s only just found out and hasn’t got around to it. Or maybe he knew you’d try and talk him out of going.

I’m not going to talk him out of it, but I expect him to tell me his plans, as I would if the shoe were on the other foot.

OP posts:
TheMoops · 11/05/2023 20:23

Of course he should be telling you that he's working away!
It's very disrespectful not to tell you.

Original poster
Itsvalentino · 11/05/2023 20:26

@thefactsarefriendly yes it runs deeper than the work thing, he has form for lying, ridiculous and pointless lies.

Years ago he told me he was at the dentist, when in fact he’d taken an hour off work to visit his mom 🤷🏻‍♀️ he hadn’t factored in his mom mentioning his visit to me 😂.

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsvalentino · 11/05/2023 20:27

TheMoops · 11/05/2023 20:23

Of course he should be telling you that he's working away!
It's very disrespectful not to tell you.

Exactly. Does he intend to just not come home and me think nothing of it 🤔

OP posts:
RetiredEarly · 11/05/2023 20:28

Yes you do need to talk.

About him hiding information when he thinks or knows you won’t be happy - so he can get his way because the choice has been made iyswim

Also about him keeping up with his responsibilities as a father and a husband (aka someone also involved in the renovations etc…). He can’t take a decision fir himself because it works fir him whilst expecting you to shoulder ALL the responsibilities, aka yours and his. And Wo any discussion about it before hand.

Or maybe he knew you’d try and talk him out of going.
You see I have an issue with comments like this.
Do people really take decisions that are only manageable if their partner picks up the slack Wo talking to said partner ‘because they will take me out if it’.
I mean you decide to go fur X job with similar hours and work arrangement, fair enough, it doesn’t impact in anything else. A job that requires overnight stays in a regular basis? Wo talking about? That’s just disrespectful, and taking your partner fur granted.

Sheepsheepeverywhere · 11/05/2023 20:30

Op just curious but did you suffer anxiety before you met him?

Original poster
Itsvalentino · 11/05/2023 20:32

Sheepsheepeverywhere · 11/05/2023 20:30

Op just curious but did you suffer anxiety before you met him?

No I did not

OP posts:
TheMoops · 11/05/2023 20:32

Exactly. Does he intend to just not come home and me think nothing of it 🤔

It's just rude. Both me and DH work away sometimes and I couldn't imagine not discussing it!

GrumpyPanda · 11/05/2023 20:34

Maybe just book an engagement for yourself for one of these days and leave him holding the baby, oops, the teens and the builders.

thefactsarefriendly · 11/05/2023 20:34

It sounds as though you have a lot of logistical stuff to manage that he is not fully participating with, and there is simply no excuse for this.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 11/05/2023 20:36

HI OP, that's really weird and would absolutely do my head in. I would say he needs some kind of therapy to work through this lying, as its just not compatible with a relationship (where two people are a team).

Also why is he staying overnight if you live in the west midlands? I'm in the NW and often have work in London, it can be a long day but totally doable. I'm surprised his work are willing to pay for a hotel actually!

Original poster
Itsvalentino · 11/05/2023 20:38

@RetiredEarly yes clearly his big boy job is more important than my job, or our family, house, pets and how dare I expect him to mention it to me in case I talk him out of it.

He has moved the goal posts, we’ve always had pretty much 9-5 jobs, and with the work on the house him not being here has an impact on me. Clearly he just expects me to pick up the slack!

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsvalentino · 11/05/2023 20:41

GrumpyPanda · 11/05/2023 20:34

Maybe just book an engagement for yourself for one of these days and leave him holding the baby, oops, the teens and the builders.

Honestly, he’d still go

OP posts:
FairAcre · 11/05/2023 20:43

Do you have children together?

Original poster
Itsvalentino · 11/05/2023 20:45

FairAcre · 11/05/2023 20:43

Do you have children together?

I bet you can guess the answer to that yourself.

2 teens - mine not his.

Surprised? Nope, typical isn’t it. Clearly they’re MY problem, therefore he hasn’t considered them.

OP posts:
XBealtaine · 11/05/2023 20:50

He blames his xw for his lying. Love. My x was controlling and domineering and I was afraid to tell him the truth about tiny harmless things sometimes, because I knew he'd react like I had no right to do x y or z.
I never lied to my most recent boyfriend. Never felt the need. He got that I was a person in my own right.