DP keeping secrets

[Itsvalentino]

DP newish career of about 2 years, doing really well, lots of pay rises, career progressing well.

In January he told my Dad about a change in his career, same company but he'd be heading up a new London office, more of a virtual office apparently but would require nights away from home, my dad mentioned it to me, so obviously I asked DP. He made out my dad had got the wrong end of the stick, and it was only something the company were looking into, and would likely not happen, I mentioned that it'd be a hell of a commute (we live West Mids) his reply "yes it will be, but think of the mileage I'll get paid).

No mention since, until his company announced it on LinkedIn, again I asked DP, he said again that it didn't seem to be going well, and probably wouldn't happen.

I asked him not to agree to anything without finding out the finer details, frequency of time away from home etc, as we have taken on a huge house renovation, builders in daily, as well as undertaking a lot of the internal work ourselves, so we need to plan around that, I'd need dates to fit around both of our jobs and 2 teens etc he said he would find out the definitive plans and let me know, this was 3 weeks ago.

This morning, I've had a nosey in his work diary, which was left on the sofa, and he's booked for an overnight next week, and another in 2 weeks time.

Am I wrong to be pissed off at this? I'm not his Mom, he doesn't need my permission, but I feel like he's sneaking around. When is going to tell me? Neither of us have ever worked away before, so you'd think it's something he ought to discuss with me.

It’s does seem unfair to just expect you to pick up the slack with the builders etc when you work too. He doesn’t seem very invested in the family and home. Is this a recent thing?

@LivingDeadGirlUK I’ve mentioned therapy to him, he says he doesn’t have a problem, he doesn’t lie, he just doesn’t tell people the truth because he doesn’t wanna hurt their feelings, and also can’t stand confrontation (his words).

He’s going with a work colleague, his line manager, and from what I can gather they’re planning a jolly out too. Which is fine. But again when he mentioned it months ago, he said if it did go ahead they’d be taking it in turns, he one night, line manager the next. Another lie.

What I hate most is he denies telling my dad. My dad who has stage 4 cancer and is going through chemo and definitely suffering from chemo brain, he claims he hasn’t told my dad. But the how the hell did my dad tell me then.

@XBealtaine I believed for years that his ex was a crazy loon, I now see things through her eyes.

Is your house you +dc versus him op?
Do you spend on your dc freely or seek permission /approval first?

So sorry to hear about your dad. That must be hard and hurtful - insinuating he imagined it.

He has a tendency to only consider himself.

He has no self awareness at all and honestly believes that everything he does he does for me, makes out to everyone that I’m a princess and get all my own way, which is bullshit, but I think he really believes it.

Working away from home in a high powered job is fairly common. My husband travelled across the globe with work when kids were small sometimes for 2 weeks away at a time. I think a couple of overnights in each month really isn’t a big deal.

Every half decent job has team building, work trips, awards dos, training weeks or conferences that involve working away for a night or a week or even a month.

Years ago people worked and lived in London Monday to Friday and just go home at weekends.

If you have teens to put through uni and a house renovation to sort then perhaps he needs to work and impress in this new role.

When he goes down in a week may relate to meetings that he has no say in terms of when they need to happen but he needs to talk to you and check diaries so where possible he avoids parents evenings at school etc;

I think his lying is a separate issue and I think he’s a compulsive lier from your comments. I would be extremely worried by someone who is happy to lie with ease even when it doesn’t matter.

Not sure how you two got together - you mention an ex wife .....were you after the wife or was there overlap?

Is the working away a trust issue - do you think he is or will stray?

Separate finances 50/50 bills paid into bank joint account.

It’s not quite us vs him. It’s more me splitting myself all ways, I am his girlfriend and I am their mom. It’s hard to explain but I seem to have 2 different lives. One as a mom, one as a girlfriend.

My exh got a new job. The money quickly became his not ours. My dc became a burden.
He became a good liar.
Then caught out he became an exh
..

@Applepie24 his increased earnings will have zero impact on me or my children. He doesn’t pay towards them.

No overlap, he’d been divorced 2 years and separated for 4 when I came on the scene.

Im not worried about him straying, I expect him to inform me that he isn’t going to be home at night.

My exh started working away in the last 8 months of our marriage, we learnt to live without him, we created a life as just us 3, and when he came home at weekends, he felt like an intrusion into our settled lives, we didn’t need him.

@Applepie24 thé issue isn’t the fact he is travelling.
The issue is that her DH has decided to do that Wo talking about it to his parter. It’s the fact he is expecting the OP to be happy with whatever he wants to do and to accommodate him.
Why?
Such décision is a lifestyle choice fur tte whole family and it’s not ok to impose your choices on your partner.

@Itsvalentino DH did that too.
Except he told me he had no choice but to take that job (in the same company, wasn’t made redundant etc….) about 1 month before dc1 was born. I had to fight with him to not travel to the other side of the country a week before I was due….
i was naive and said ‘yes of course. It’s work blabla’. But I don’t think our marriage ever fully recovered from it.
Now, I’d tell him ‘oh ok. Atm you are doing <insert what he does for the dcs, builders etc..>. How are you going to get that done? What is your plan?’
I would refuse to take on the slack.

@Applepie24 also as normal as it may be to you, it’s not for us. I’ve had a marriage end because having a spouse working away didn’t work for me. It’s not the kind of life I want.

Him agreeing to this has changed the goalposts, I have a right to decide if I want a relationship with someone who stays away from home.

@Itsvalentino its a shame he isn't talking to you about the job and the future plans .....perhaps asking him to go through the next 2 months diaries by sitting down together over the weekend maybe a plan.

You need to expect not to have control of when and if he stays over as his company pay him to be available and there may be little flexibility.

Just a heads up ! His income will directly impact your kids when applying to uni.

IF he lives in a house with you and the kids when they apply to uni his salary and income is counted when working out maintenance loans and their own dad’s is ignored.

@Applepie24 his company pay him to work 38.5 hours a week, his contract states Monday - Thursday 8-4.30 Friday 8-2.30 not to be available at any given time.

I expect him to prioritise me above his job, you may have different standards and that is fine.

I agree.

You need to tell him this in bald terms and then he gets to choose. If he doesn't choose you, he's not your person.

Ive already told him, when it was discussed previously (when he played it down) I said look you need to tell me if this is what you want, as you are more than entitled to go for it, but I also have the right to decide if it’s the kind of relationship I want and it’s not. And he promised me he’d find out all the facts before committing and if it was more than the odd occasion he’d tell them he couldn’t do it as he has a family and house renovation going on.

So maybe next week is a one off, but we still had an agreement that he’d talk to me first.

Just to add, I’m very close to a breakdown, I have a lot going on, my job is horrible, my dad is dying and I HATE our new house. I would like to go to sleep and not wake up. DP knows this, I need him to be my anchor at the moment, my team mate, my ally yet he feels like an opponent right now.

@Itsvalentino that’s a very naive stance regarding the work hours - minimum wage jobs and often low paid civil service roles often keep strict hours but any job for a corporate with any level of responsibility bosses expect flexibility.

Anyone with such a rigid way of looking at the world, zero flexibility and an expectation that they need to be worshipped and put first over the means to pay a mortgage and live is a what we call a ‘duchess’.

Some duchesses find men who worship them over everything else - many find disappointment after disappointment when he comes to men.

I have a fantastic partnership with my husband - I don’t give my husband ultimatums and standards to follow - I don't need to - we decide things together, are open and communicate. I think your partner lying in a weak attempt to avoid a confrontation with someone who has unrealistic expectations.

Good luck to you both!

I work away from home a lot. I let DH know as soon as I book something in so he knows I won't be there. Its simple courtesy. He hasn't had to work away in over a decade but when he did, he would afford me the same courtesy and let me know ASAP. Why on earth wouldn't you share that information with the person you're living with?

He’s too important up tell you and he doesn’t want the aggro, so he’s gaslighting you. I used to have one of those.

I am very very sorry about your dad and the burden you are bearing. I totally understand, having been there, and it is a very lonely place when the other person doesn’t have your back.

@Applepie24 No expectations of being worshipped from me, I do however expect to be treated as a partner, I expect him to inform me of changes in our circumstances.

I’m a finance director, much more senior in my firm than DP in his, in fact I’m 2nd in command. So don’t assume I’m a duchess that has a little minimum wage pocket money job. I too have a big boy job.

As I said, you have different standards than I do and that is fine. You do you.

Seriously you are something else.

OP I've only recently returned to mumsnet , think I will be off again because it's an absolute cesspit.

I'm so sorry for your current situation, I can identify to what's happening with your dad and that alone is just too much x

I just wanted to reassure you, you are not unwarranted in your concerns and totally understandable to have a word with your partner about it.

I'm sure you aren't phased by some peoples very bizarre replies, trolls are in abundance here. Horrible to think some people get a rise from being so unpleasant

Look after yourself, you are stronger than what you think, you need the support of your partner and if you have to spell it out to them then do it x

Take care

@Itsvalentino if you feel like not waking up then you need to get help asap. If you are the verge of a breakdown then go and see the doctor and get some urgent medical help.

Your partner if aware of your state of mind needs to sit you down to understand when he will be away.

I don’t think this comment about ‘duchess’ is necessary!

But it's just the odd night every couple of weeks. What's the big deal?