DP keeping secrets

[Itsvalentino]

DP newish career of about 2 years, doing really well, lots of pay rises, career progressing well.

In January he told my Dad about a change in his career, same company but he'd be heading up a new London office, more of a virtual office apparently but would require nights away from home, my dad mentioned it to me, so obviously I asked DP. He made out my dad had got the wrong end of the stick, and it was only something the company were looking into, and would likely not happen, I mentioned that it'd be a hell of a commute (we live West Mids) his reply "yes it will be, but think of the mileage I'll get paid).

No mention since, until his company announced it on LinkedIn, again I asked DP, he said again that it didn't seem to be going well, and probably wouldn't happen.

I asked him not to agree to anything without finding out the finer details, frequency of time away from home etc, as we have taken on a huge house renovation, builders in daily, as well as undertaking a lot of the internal work ourselves, so we need to plan around that, I'd need dates to fit around both of our jobs and 2 teens etc he said he would find out the definitive plans and let me know, this was 3 weeks ago.

This morning, I've had a nosey in his work diary, which was left on the sofa, and he's booked for an overnight next week, and another in 2 weeks time.

Am I wrong to be pissed off at this? I'm not his Mom, he doesn't need my permission, but I feel like he's sneaking around. When is going to tell me? Neither of us have ever worked away before, so you'd think it's something he ought to discuss with me.

Op

you must put your health first right now. Without your health you have nothing.

don’t look to this man to help solve things - see a gp and get signed off work

make sure your kids are ok and maybe send them to their dads for a few days if necessary

Your fella has clearly lied to you but unfortunately he has had what he feels is a great opportunity and he has took it.

I can see why he feels now is not the time to rock the boat considering you are on the edge.

Regardless of my state of mind, my partner should be telling me these things anyway, it’s common courtesy.

Can you not understand that not everyone thinks, feels or wants the same things? You are happy with your arrangement, that’s fine but you constantly insisting that I just accept whatever he throws at me is ridiculous.

I don’t know that it’s just the odd night, I can’t see how if you are the only member of staff in a London office that it can be just the odd night.

And that’s my point really, he hasn’t told me when or how often.

Guess you have to ask yourself why he’s not telling you? It’s like when you know your mum will give you grief so you don’t say anything. If he knows you’re going to moan at him, there’s you answer why he’s not said. I totally get why you want him around, but one night in a week, it’s not like he’s away all week.

OP,

God help you.

You are absolutely with the wrong man.

He's a liar.
Always has been, always will be.

He has caused you to suffer with anxiety.
A consequence of living with a liar.

Your job and poor Dad means life is hard.

This new house is a disaster.

A big doer upper with a liar who is planning on leaving it to you to do the bulk of it.

A disaster for your health.

I mean this kindly, but you have teens that need their mum.

This liar should not be your priority.

Your health and your teens should be.

I wouldn't believe a word from him.

Sell that house.

Dump the liar.

Sort out your mental health.

Look at trading down the house, lifestyle and the job.

Your priority should be your health and your children.

Leave the liar loser off, he's dragging you down.

@Itsvalentino - would you not agree that there is a good chance that you might be a hell of a lot less anxious if you were to leave him?

He is making you anxious, he sees that you are close to a breakdown, and yet he does nothing to make you feel safe and secure.

Did he also drive the decision to buy a house you hate?

Yes he did.

We had a beautiful home 9 months ago.

He wanted a doer upper.

It’s highly unlikely they’ll be moving to London!!! They’ll be hiring a small office space to woo clients

@billy1966 he has definitely caused my anxiety.

I have days when I think he is emotionally abusing me, that he knows full well what he’s doing. Telling my dad for example then denying it. Gaslighting me. It’s almost like he knows I know and is purposely not telling me. Like he knows my anxiety will be ramped up by this.

Then I tell myself that he’s such a wonderful person, everyone says so, everyone loves him, I’m a diva, he’s a gent.

That’s the impression I get.

He sounds like he's incredibly bad for you @Itsvalentino You're anxious and pretty much suicidal because of him. Yet he still lies to you and gives you zero support. I bet he did the same to his ex too. You won't get better until you get rid of him. I think you're starting to realise that.

I'm sorry you're going through such an awful time with your Dad and your job. But this horrible man is only dragging you down further.

You sound like you are / were a strong, smart independent woman who's got herself in a very difficult situation during the worst of times. You need to dig deep and find a bit more of that strength and end things with him. It won't be easy but sometimes the right thing is often the hard thing unfortunately.

Because he knows you won’t be impressed and you’ll put even more pressure on him to stop it or use against him.
Would you not want to progress in your own career?

Just a quick question on earnings. You’re more senior than him, do you earn more?

@Itsvalentino you sound like a strong independent woman going through a rough patch.

Is DP out tonight - have you tried talking to him since looking at the diary?

Finance Director is a great job - could you leave him and set up on your own with the kids rather than hang around in his renovating zone of a house.

That’s what my bestie did when she wanted to change things. She’s a corporate lawyer. Her husband lied all the time.

New hubbie is a builder - previous one was an investment banker. New one is always home by 4pm on a Friday and very attentive. Treats her really well - the only downside is the van on the drive. A small price to pay she says.

Sounds like time to buy yourself a new home and swap blokes.

I’m very close to a breakdown, I have a lot going on, my job is horrible, my dad is dying and I HATE our new house. I would like to go to sleep and not wake up

Sending you a hug, OP. Don’t give up. Please be kind to yourself.

This may be easiest if you step away from your partner, who causes your anxiety. You gave up your lovely home because he wanted to move, and now he’s expecting you to supervise the renovations. You’ve already given him too much.

Your anxiety is a direct result of you constantly feeling unsafe in this relationship because of his sneaking around and lying. This is not his ex-wife’s doing, he is a natural liar and gaslighter.

I can’t see this getting better unless you get rid of him.

Im so sorry.

I would be very annoyed if my husband discussed a potential career / job change with my dad before discussing it with me. In fact I would expect him to discuss it with me before his own dad too.

A couple of nights away doesn’t mean he has changed his job, but I would have expected to have been told. I have in the past done a lot of travel with my job and I don’t need my husbands permission, but I would almost certainly have dropped into conversation that I would be away for one night next week or whatever.

OP - I think you need to get to a GP and get some help. Dealing with a parent’s illness is difficult and additional stress of your job isn’t helping.
Have you considered medication?

I know you aren’t in the right state of mind to hear it - but your reaction to your H’s job is probably affected by your MH. When you are depressed - it’s natural to see everything in a much more dramatic light. So - where other people see - him having a bit busier work, with some occasional travel cropping up. But overall - a good thing as he clearly is enjoying his job and is doing well.
In your current state of mind you seem to see it as some massive change of circumstances. And maybe the fact that you are hating your job is also playing a role here where you see him excited about his.

You can make it about him not telling you about his night away. But it’s clearly understandable why he’d try to avoid the subject with you. You are in a bad place, and very negative about this. You are saying he doesn’t need permission - but you are telling him to ‘discuss it with you before making any decisions’. So - essentially - permission is needed.

And of course his increased earnings would affect you as a family. More money coming in is more money. He may not directly spend it on your kids - but it’s still one pot.

You hate the house. And renovations can be stressful. But they are what you make of them. Not sure how house renovations can prevent him from enjoying his job, or make an occasional day an impossibility.
And you don’t need to be picking up his slack - he can do it on his time.
Things will get done when they get done.

As to your teenagers - as they are not his kids - of course it’s fair that he isn’t involved in their parenting. Why should it be different?

MN likes to throw away LTB advice. In this case - it seems misdirected.
You need to get help as you are dealing with lots of stressful events in your life. But your anxiety is your own - you can’t blame your H for it. You need to manage it and get help.
Kicking off divorce and house sale as a knee jerk reaction is not going to make you feel any better:

I do NOT want to add to your pain at the moment.

However I want you to give some thought to this.

This is not a good man.

The doer upper and now him planning on leaving a lot of it to you, is just more abuse.

I feel very sorry for you, but you are an adult that clearly is putting a man ahead of your children.

I wonder how your children are going to look back on their childhood?

I wonder how they are going to remember you?

I wonder how all of your clear anxiety and distress has impacted them?

Because children notice and absorbed so much without saying a word.

You are on the wrong road with this liar.

He is working against you.

Why would you think a doer upper with a liar would benefit your children?

Why would taking them out of a lovely home in any way benefit them?

Children need calm settled homes.

Not building sites with a stressed on the verge of a breakdown mother, and her liar boyfriend who clearly couldn't give two shits about her or them.

He lied to your father.
He is utter scum.

Stop winding yourself up about scum and stop putting this liar and yourself ahead of your children.

Sell this project house and live on your own with your children.

If you have been honest about the state of you, brought about by living with a gaslighting liar, your childrens memories of their child are going to be brutal and beyond harsh over the decisions you have made.

Fix this while you can.

Forget the liar, he will NEVER change.

Save yourself and your poor kids caught up with this lying loser.

You and your children deserve so much better.

OP, put the oxygen mask on yourself first. Get to the GP to explore if some form of medication might be helpful. Keep doing talking therapy. Take steps to care for yourself right now. Could reaching out to trusted friends be helpful?

As for the relationship, only you can tell if you have any more faith in your partner. I think there's little doubt that through his actions he is currently treating your with contempt, which is famously a killer of relationships. BUT If you think there is scope for a very boundaried conversation/ultimatum, think through clearly what you would be asking for. Insist on the conversation happening as soon as you feel able, and his response will direct your response. Refusal to listen or show any care for your needs is a sign of contempt in itself.

If you already feel all trust is gone, then you'll need to make plans to get out, taking your children, and create a life that you feel content with. He can deal with his stupid renovation project.

But first, attend to your immediate mental health crisis.

Wishing you strength. You are not alone in having experienced this.

Whose money is funding the renovations?

Everyone is ignoring that he may not have told the op due to her fragile mind at the moment

I’m sorry but he is not a MH professional and you should not look to him to fix you. You need a Dr

dating a liar is a decision you made with your eyes wide open

personally I couldn’t stand to

@Itsvalentino hugs to you.

What a load you are dealing with! You sound like superwoman.

He is a liar and you can't trust him. He uses manipulation like Gaslighting as well. This is not someone you have a happy long term future with.

I think you are realising this now. 10 years is long enough for him to grow up and lose any baggage from his past. The ongoing lying and sneaking is a sign that this is never going to change because he doesn't care or respect you enough to even try.

Time to stop clinging onto a sinking ship.

Practical solutions for now-

See a GP and get medicated. Anxiety is too much to cope with. Meds will help you take back your own mind and stave off some of the worst physical issues.

Drop a day per week at work. You need that time to just breath, focus on your Dad and find yourself again.

Send the teens to their Dads 1 day a week. Grab back solo time so you can catch up on life admin and not be overwhelmed.

Plan an end date for the renovations on the house and then you will have a countdown to when you can put it on the market. Cut your losses, sell the monster and find yourself and the kids somewhere that feels like a real home again.

Do not take liar with you. Do not give him a heads up. See a solicitor, get yer ducks in a row and then when you are at the end of the renovations you tell him he can buy you out or you will sell up. He may make you get a court order for that but you'll have had legal advice and will be prepared. He won't.

Don't waste precious time focusing on the wrong things. The house and liar are not important right now. YOU and your Dad are the priority.

You've carried too much for too long. Time to let go and save yourself.

One thing you MUST do is spend as much time just being with your Dad. That is precious time you won't have again and when you reflect back, it will be a comfort that you were there with him so often when it mattered.

@Applepie24 see you are actually saying the same thing that the OP.
we decide things together, are open and communicate. is exactly what the OP is expecting from her DP.

So if that makes the OP a duchess, then it makes YOU a duchess too… Are you??

@Itsvalentino he isn’t a partner in any shape or form
He refuses to communicate with you
He refuses to take you, your needs, into account.
He isnt supporting you when you need help
He is lying or gaslighting you
He makes you anxious
It’s his way or the high way. On everything, incl the house.

It sounds like you are awakening to his less than desirable attitude.
Maybe it’s time to call it a day.
Regardless of what he is actually going to do work wise.

I can't reply to everyone individually, so I'll try and answering everything here.

The house he pushed for, we rented, ok it was a rental (a very cheap rental, as we'd been tenants for 9 years the LL kept our rent well below market value) but I had savings, I could afford to stay there as a single parent, he said I wasn't showing commitment and we should buy. We both agreed on a doer upper, but as always it's going to be a much bigger job than we thought, it's near enough a complete rebuild, also my Dad wasn't poorly at this point, and I felt mentally better prepared to undertake a renovation.

The renovations are going to take us into negative equity for a few years, we knew this, but as it was to be our forever home, it didn't matter. But if I decide to leave now, I have nothing, we are both funding the reno, my savings are gone. Also rental property prices have soared in our area, and we'd probably end up having to move away, one of my teens is about to take her GCSE's, and one is in her 2nd year of college, right near our current home.

I'm not looking at DP to fix me at all, I know he isn't a mental health professional, my GP said she didn't think medication was the way to go (I don't think I was fully honest though, with how low I am) she recommended counselling which was over the phone once a fortnight for 30 mins, didn't work, and now I am paying privately for weekly counselling.

Honestly, I'd like to leave him, the house and my job, but HOW? How the hell do I find the strength when I'm feeling so weak?!