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Original poster

Is it unreasonable to go away with a friend when you're in a relationship?

72 replies

mae2014 · 10/05/2023 15:24

Is it unreasonable to go away with a friend when you're in a relationship?

Just that really, needing a little reassurance.

Been a bit rocky with my DP for a while dealing with his moods/tempers, walking on eggshells, and thankfully as of today after 4 years of asking he's gone to the doctors and is being referred for bipolar/ADHD.

After being broken up with for the 10th time in one of his moods, I did move out to my dad's for 2 weeks and the same day he ended things, my best friend asked if I fancied a holiday and I said F it and booked it. ( for 10 days in June)

He's always promised to change when he does this, but I said there's no us unless he gets help - which he has now done this morning - but I'm now doubting myself wondering if I did the right thing in booking the holiday and if am I now causing another issue for an argument,

Wrecking my head over the conversation that's to be had about it and I know it's only going to rock the boat :( I've asked him how would feel if I went away with said friend and he said its fine. But I know once the mood comes.. it'll be a huge argument :(

Please be kind, its causing me lots of anxiety x

OP posts:
NeverHadANickname · 10/05/2023 15:28

It is absolutely fine to go on holiday with a friend when you are in a relationship. I hope you have a great time.

Tellmeimcrazy · 10/05/2023 15:29

Go away and enjoy yourself. If your bf flips yet again and loses it that's just confirmation you need to get out. He needs to concentrate on his mental health anyway. You aren't doing anything wrong. Sounds like you deserve a break

CombatBarbie · 10/05/2023 15:29

It's entirely normal to holiday with friends.... I actively encourage my DH to do it because I do with my friends.

His mental health does not trump yours or your need to have independence outside of the relationship.

goingslightlyinsane · 10/05/2023 15:29

You sound like you deserve a bloody holiday with a friend! Actually probably more like need one.

It sounds like he hasn't behaved very well in this relationship (despite his difficulties)

Do NOT tread on egg shells about this. If it does start a another row or rock the boat then I think that pretty much tells you this guy isn't worth it.

Whatever you do- go on this holiday and have some fun. If he can't accept that then it's his loss!!!

Crikeyisthatthetime · 10/05/2023 15:31

Enjoy your holiday, OP.

whatchagonnado · 10/05/2023 15:32

You're much better going on holiday (and will probably have more fun) going away with a friend rather than a moody DP in a rocky relationship. Might make home realise that you don't rely on him too and can have a good time regardless. Don't let your friend down on it either as she's been good to you

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 10/05/2023 15:32

Good relationships flourish when you get a bit of space from each other now and again

Try not to focus so much on supporting him while he seeks a diagnosis that you forget to think about whether this relationship works for you, and whether he is treating you well

Tellmeimcrazy · 10/05/2023 15:33

And also perfectly normal to go away on holiday with appropriate friends/friend.

I certainly wouldn't mind my partner going away as I'm sure he wouldn't mind me going away.

AmandaHoldensLips · 10/05/2023 15:33

Yes, totally normal to be able to go on holiday with friend or friends and generally do whatever you want.

Just because you are in a relationship doesn't mean that he suddenly "owns" you or can supervise or dictate how you spend your time and who you spent it with.

And can I just say it's a huge RED FLAG when any woman describes "walking on eggshells".

It usually indicates controlling behaviours.

yoga4meinthemorning · 10/05/2023 15:34

You are in a abusive relationship and need to throw him back in the pond.

AmandaHoldensLips · 10/05/2023 15:35

My lovely DH can go on holiday with his friends whenever he wants. And so can I. We are allowed to have fun and enjoy our lives separately from each other. We have kids and everything and we trust each other implicitly.

Jk987 · 10/05/2023 15:36

A holiday is the best thing you can do right now. 10 days of fun and relaxation as opposed to putting up with an arse of a boyfriend who blows hot and cold.

I think you'll find that when you get home, you won't want him back anymore...Smile

Maxxy123 · 10/05/2023 15:36

Its normal for your partner to feel a bit sad/lonely/jealous at not having you around but any more than that and particularly if they try to persuade you not to go is a RED FLAG for control. Show a lovely balance of independence in life coupled with love and care for your partner

BinkyBeaufort · 10/05/2023 15:37

Go on holiday, have a wonderful time with your friend and top it all off by dumping the ball and chain when you get back. Win win.

MissingMoominMamma · 10/05/2023 15:37

I go away with friends, or even by myself, and I’ve been married for 25 years.

Ilovetea42 · 10/05/2023 15:38

Tellmeimcrazy · 10/05/2023 15:29

Go away and enjoy yourself. If your bf flips yet again and loses it that's just confirmation you need to get out. He needs to concentrate on his mental health anyway. You aren't doing anything wrong. Sounds like you deserve a break

This.

If he has a problem with it then he's showing you he isn't ready or able to be in a healthy relationship so you leave and each focus on yourselves long term.

Shoxfordian · 10/05/2023 15:39

It’s fine, and it’s also fine to not be in a relationship with him when he’s not kind or nice to you all the time

Livelifelaughter · 10/05/2023 15:39

I think it's fine to holiday with friends assuming that you have also discussed holidays together. I would get a bit irked with my bf planning holidays with friends only because he seemed to prioritise those over holidays with me. I know slot of people who are married do have holidays apart to be honest I understand this because you've already made a commitment. When you are dating a holiday is a time when you really get to know each other.

AnxiousShep · 10/05/2023 15:42

I went on holiday with friends a couple of months back. We went abroad for a week. My dh goes on a week long holiday with friends for their hobby every year. Absolutely no drama about these at all.

mumonthehill · 10/05/2023 15:42

Also been married along time and go away with friends often. If you love someone then you let them do things that make them happy and my dh knows a break away with a friend gives me happiness. Please go and have a great time.

Redebs · 10/05/2023 15:46

OP I think you need to look after yourself.
Have a lovely holiday.

But have a serious think about how much this relationship is costing you emotionally. If you feel you're walking on eggshells and are anticipating a bad reaction from your partner about the holiday, then it might be time to re-evaluate your situation.

If you find it's a massive relief when you're on holiday and dread coming back, then you'll know.

ShandaLear · 10/05/2023 15:48

Well, unless your friend is Henry Cavill and you’re off to a sexy Warhammer convention together then no, you’re absolutely not unreasonable, and the fact you’re anxious about it suggests that you’re in a relationship which isn’t bringing out the best in you.

Original poster
mae2014 · 10/05/2023 15:48

Thank you so much for your replies, hugely reassuring.
I moved from UK to Ireland for him a few years back and often travel back home every few weeks to see my family (we would be very close) and his family have this narrative that I 'leave him' all the time - when in fact he's invited every single time and chooses not to come or cause a drama about me going.
I just know now it'll be that I've 'left him again' despite asking for a holiday or a weekend away time after time.

Thank you mumsnetters xx

OP posts:
Hbh17 · 10/05/2023 15:55

I'm long-time married and have always had holidays with friends. It's not just normal, it's healthy. All couples need time apart occasionally, and to have their own friends and interests. OP, he is your partner, not your jailer. I hope you have a lovely holiday.

Shoxfordian · 10/05/2023 15:58

Why are you getting back with him?

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