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Original poster

Is it unreasonable to go away with a friend when you're in a relationship?

72 replies

mae2014 · 10/05/2023 15:24

Is it unreasonable to go away with a friend when you're in a relationship?

Just that really, needing a little reassurance.

Been a bit rocky with my DP for a while dealing with his moods/tempers, walking on eggshells, and thankfully as of today after 4 years of asking he's gone to the doctors and is being referred for bipolar/ADHD.

After being broken up with for the 10th time in one of his moods, I did move out to my dad's for 2 weeks and the same day he ended things, my best friend asked if I fancied a holiday and I said F it and booked it. ( for 10 days in June)

He's always promised to change when he does this, but I said there's no us unless he gets help - which he has now done this morning - but I'm now doubting myself wondering if I did the right thing in booking the holiday and if am I now causing another issue for an argument,

Wrecking my head over the conversation that's to be had about it and I know it's only going to rock the boat :( I've asked him how would feel if I went away with said friend and he said its fine. But I know once the mood comes.. it'll be a huge argument :(

Please be kind, its causing me lots of anxiety x

OP posts:
RoseBucket · 10/05/2023 16:02

Honestly if I was your friend and had seen you through all those break ups and then thought you’d finally be free of him and was looking forward to a holiday with you and then you cancelled I’d struggle with the friendship. It’s hard seeing a friend be treated so badly. Go on the holiday, let your hair down remind yourself what it feels like to be free and then reassess your future.

Yorkshirelass04 · 10/05/2023 16:10

Is he actually mentally ill do you think, or just a bit bratty?

Sheepsheepeverywhere · 10/05/2023 16:11

I am going away this week end with my friend. Dh is staying home with dc.. Most of which aren't even his dc!
You need to ltb and enjoy your trip op.

Figrolls14 · 10/05/2023 16:12

of course OP, go on holiday!!! Hope you have a ball with your friend, it’s a very normal thing to do. sounds like it’d do you a power of good ( maybe stay there if it’s nice??!!)

Livelifelaughter · 10/05/2023 16:14

I think because you have already asked him about holidays together it's fine to go away with friends. I know pp have said that they have been married X years and go away apart but I assume they also go away together and also love together!
When I was married I thought it was great to have holidays with friends and together. When I was dating I actually was less keen, a couple of holidays/long weekend a year with friends was fine but I would also want time together.
It's also a question of degree, my ex had 3 weekends with the guys a year, one more with another friend, 3 more weekends with another friend and a two week holiday with the same friend and that's not including weekends away visiting friends but we barely could sort a weekend away together because it was always clashing with something!

SunshineAndFizz · 10/05/2023 16:15

mae2014 · 10/05/2023 15:48

Thank you so much for your replies, hugely reassuring.
I moved from UK to Ireland for him a few years back and often travel back home every few weeks to see my family (we would be very close) and his family have this narrative that I 'leave him' all the time - when in fact he's invited every single time and chooses not to come or cause a drama about me going.
I just know now it'll be that I've 'left him again' despite asking for a holiday or a weekend away time after time.

Thank you mumsnetters xx

Don't make decisions because you're worried what other people will think. Make them because they're right for you and you alone. Please go on the holiday and back a lovely time x x

perfectcolourfound · 10/05/2023 16:25

Yes it is perfectly normal and OK to go on holiday without your OH. Thinking around my family and friends.

If he has a problem with it then it's him that's creating a drama, not you.

But why do you want to be with him? Your partner shouldn't make you walk on eggshells and be nervous of their moods. They are meant to make your life better.

piedbeauty · 10/05/2023 16:47

CombatBarbie · 10/05/2023 15:29

It's entirely normal to holiday with friends.... I actively encourage my DH to do it because I do with my friends.

His mental health does not trump yours or your need to have independence outside of the relationship.

This.

You shouldn't be walking on eggshells.

You might be happier apart.

It sounds as if he needs to work on his MH. A MH disorder is not an excuse to be abusive.

You deserve better.

Opentooffers · 10/05/2023 16:49

So he's broken up with you 10 times and you've therefore had him back 10 times - when is enough for you? The best you've managed is 2 weeks out if 10 times. Did he seek help before or after you forgave him yet again?
Anyway, if you are going away with a female friend, it's totally fine, totally normal but very abnormal of him to have a problem with it. Could it be by any chance that the apple doesn't fall from the tree, because his family's opinions are abnormal too?

Ilovetea42 · 10/05/2023 16:53

I mean it is possible for someone to be mentally ill and manipulative as two separate things op. His behaviour that you're describing is bordering gaslighting and abusive so to be honest I'd be seriously reassessing whether he's the right person for you. You're not meant to feel like this in a relationship with someone who cares about you and respects you.

InFlagrante · 10/05/2023 17:05

OP, it’s concerning me that you’re so worried about having this conversation, and that you’ve apparently consented to getting back together with a man with poor MH who keeps breaking up with you. Yes, he’s made the first step towards seeking treatment, but that’s his issue, to be frank. I can’t help feeling you’d be far better off out of this relationship.

PollyPeptide · 10/05/2023 17:13

I go away with my sister all the time. A few,days in the UK. A few weeks abroad. Neither of our partners mind. The fact that you're worried about a conversation "rocking the boat` shows this is an unsafe and controlling relationship that you're now in.
You live your life and let him sort himself out. You've no guarantee he'll ever get his head right so don't out your life on hold waiting.

jackstini · 10/05/2023 17:23

I've been married nearly 20 years and we both have had many holidays away with friends - a few together, the vast majority apart; both in UK & abroad

It's absolutely normal

I've already been away with friends once this year and am away again at the weekend

Mostly weekends, but longest was 10 nights (DH motorbiking round Europe)

Livelifelaughter · 10/05/2023 18:50

jackstini · 10/05/2023 17:23

I've been married nearly 20 years and we both have had many holidays away with friends - a few together, the vast majority apart; both in UK & abroad

It's absolutely normal

I've already been away with friends once this year and am away again at the weekend

Mostly weekends, but longest was 10 nights (DH motorbiking round Europe)

I think it depends, if one of you doesn't particularly like travel it makes sense to holiday apart a lot but I don't know any couples where the vast majority of their holidays are spent separately.

SaulSobieski · 10/05/2023 18:57

Well, unless your friend is Henry Cavill and you’re off to a sexy Warhammer convention

Lol

Can't imagine HC being into Warhammer though 🤔

pinkpirlie · 10/05/2023 19:13

I'm always going away to see/with friends.
It's a completely normal thing to do, so long as you're also spending time and going away with your DP as well.

jackstini · 10/05/2023 22:20

@Livelifelaughter - sorry, i wasn't clear. I meant the times where we go away with friends are some we both go away with friends together but more on our own with own friends

We also have lots with us and dc (& a few with just us 2 now dc are older!)

Passmethpens · 11/05/2023 02:23

I hope you have a fabulous holiday. It sounds like this might have come at the perfect time and you never know, it might open your eyes to the fact that there is more to life than putting up with such a moody character, and annoying in-laws !!

JandalsAlways · 11/05/2023 03:09

It's actually a positive thing and should be encouraged, good for you to have your own life too. Did I read right, you've already broken up 10 times? Leave this guy, you can do much better. Sounds like hard work and not sure what positives you're actually getting from it??

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 11/05/2023 03:23

This trip is a test of how much he is actually willing to work on changing. Do NOT cancel it!!!

SimoneSimone · 11/05/2023 04:30

Do you want to spend the rest of your life worried about when the next big mood comes on and he is abusive towards you. Sadly this behaviour doesn't end. You've had your share of it. If I were you I'd think about ending it yourself and finding someone you can have a normal healthy relationship with. It's easy to adjust to what seems normal but to anyone outside looking in,but clearly isn't.

AgentJohnson · 11/05/2023 04:44

Please, please, please never go back to this man. The dynamic where his mh takes priority in your life is unhealthy. His family have passed the caring baton to you and think they can pass judgment, hell nah!

You need to think long and hard as to why you’ve prioritised this man who has treated you like an option, for so long. The power imbalance in your relationship with this man is real.

Seaitoverthere · 11/05/2023 04:45

I remember DD’s friend’s Mum saying she had broken up with her partner 9 times when I first met her and I was really shocked as I couldn’t get my head around why she couldn’t see that a relationship where you split up that many times is dysfunctional and dead in the water.

In a healthy relationship people go away without the other and it isn’t an issue.

suburbophobe · 11/05/2023 05:01

his family have this narrative that I 'leave him' all the time - when in fact he's invited every single time and chooses not to come or cause a drama about me going

There's your answer right there OP.

You can choose to stay in this dynamic of your life or choose to walk away. Up to you.

Take that holiday and reflect on the future you want your life to be.

Your future self will thank you.

Crikeyisthatthetime · 11/05/2023 09:44

Ilovetea42 · 10/05/2023 16:53

I mean it is possible for someone to be mentally ill and manipulative as two separate things op. His behaviour that you're describing is bordering gaslighting and abusive so to be honest I'd be seriously reassessing whether he's the right person for you. You're not meant to feel like this in a relationship with someone who cares about you and respects you.

This, OP. Don't stay with him out of obligation or because his family are pressuring you.

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