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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have I been unkind?

101 replies

SunnyDoc · 09/05/2023 08:56

My boyfriend is currently ignoring me. Basically, he wanted me to come over but due to various reasons I am not free until Friday.

He wasn’t happy with this and said that he might not be able to wait that long and might have to sleep with one of his colleagues to ‘tide him over’.

I replied that I knew my worth. He replied that it was a difficult decision and that he should crack on. I also said that he might want to consider keeping quiet about things like this or I might make the decision for him and remove myself from the supposed ‘competition’.

He is now not speaking to me. This is a man in his late 40s. I want to have a sensible conversation with him where I explain that I found his comments hurtful but I am starting to think that it’s not worth it.

I just wanted some outside perspective though on whether I had been unkind to him.

OP posts:
MaryDoll84 · 09/05/2023 11:45

He's testing your boundaries to see how much you'll put up with and if you don't fuck him off after this then he'll basically know he can do/say whatever he wants.
If your self esteem is low to start with, imagine how much worse it'll be after a few more months with this arsehole.
Continue with the work you're doing on yourself and exercise, eat well, get your hair done..just do nice things for yourself. And when he comes back around-he will, coz they always do-you ignore him like your life depended on it.

RosieLemonadeAndSugar · 09/05/2023 11:47

Don't have a sensible conversation with him about this, have a sensible conversation about how you are leaving him as this isn't for you anymore.

I am appalled some men are like this.

Wouldcouldcantwont · 09/05/2023 11:55

I'm sorry OP but he isn't really a boyfriend, he's a dick attached to a dick. You are worth much more.

knobheeeed · 09/05/2023 12:11

I did read the whole of the OP and the follow up, but to be honest, by the time I had read this, I knew what I was going to say about it:

My boyfriend is currently ignoring me. Basically, he wanted me to come over but due to various reasons I am not free until Friday.
He wasn’t happy with this and said that he might not be able to wait that long and might have to sleep with one of his colleagues to ‘tide him over’

In the bin he goes... bye. Block. End of.

Look OP, as someone who also struggles with self-worth and am still working on it, when you have a boyfriend who makes you feel like shit for whatever reason, or says stuff about sleeping with other women, whatever, every single hour counts. Every single hour of treatment like that erodes your self-esteem.
That means it's basically urgent that you get rid of him. Don't waste any time deciding, work up to doing it or whatever - because every hour (every minute really) with a shitbag like that makes it harder to get rid because every hour is chipping away at your sense of self-esteem and once that drops too low it's really hard to get rid because you then have the anxiety of not being worth someone else's love.

Oh and he's a late 40s so somehow that makes it even worse. Fucking get rid of the knobheeeeed.

RedRobyn2021 · 09/05/2023 12:12

That is gross OP I would definitely be dumping him.

CharlottenBerg · 09/05/2023 12:15

I must say, I feel sorry for this 'colleague', if they even exist, and, if she is willing to service his needs at the drop of a hat, I wonder if he has been using her in between times already? DROP THIS CREEP. You deserve better, but you know that in your heart of hearts, don't you?

Swansandcustard · 09/05/2023 12:15

But you don’t know your worth, because you are with someone who thinks it’s ok to threaten you with cheating if you don’t do what he wants?

Can you genuinely not see why that’s wrong?

BCBird · 09/05/2023 12:16

Not good enough for u.

Pansypotter123 · 09/05/2023 12:19

Please dump him, and book yourself in for an STI check at the same time. Who knows who else he's been sleeping with while he's been with you.

neilyoungismyhero · 09/05/2023 12:21

Two posts I've now read that I want to bang my head against the wall.

theemmadilemma · 09/05/2023 12:32

OP to clarify for you, no decent man would ever make a comment like that. It shows a million horrible red flags you should run from.

billy1966 · 09/05/2023 12:35

OP, drop him, block him.

He is rude, disrespectful and a twat.

Late 40's?

Don't waste any more time on such a loser.

Clementinesucks · 09/05/2023 12:39

God I’d have blocked him after getting the first text.

Please, please get rid of him.

SquaresandStarlings · 09/05/2023 12:51

Agee with all PPs saying to leave him.

How on earth could anyone stay with someone who wrote that??

DemonicCaveMaggot · 09/05/2023 12:57

Ew. He's in his 40's but is texting like a teenager, and a stupid teenager at that. I was thinking it might be a silly, tasteless joke, but combined with the silent treatment it seems he was serious.

If you have issues with self-esteem you really don't want to be with someone who plays mind games and gives you the silent treatment. In your shoes I'd send him a 'this isn't working for me any more, have a wonderful life' text and block the jerk on everything.

Quitelikeit · 09/05/2023 12:58

I thought this was a joke 🤣🤣🤣🤣

it sounds like banter between couples and maybe one of you took it too far

Dedodee · 09/05/2023 12:59

Message his work colleagues and warn them that your dp is on the prowl for sex.
Then block the idiot.

NotAHouse · 09/05/2023 13:04

Lots of posts lately seem to have been written by bots, it seems

CharlottenBerg · 09/05/2023 13:16

neilyoungismyhero · 09/05/2023 12:21

Two posts I've now read that I want to bang my head against the wall.

I get that quite a lot on MN. To be frank, it's one of the reasons I come here.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 09/05/2023 13:19

You have not been unkind in the slightest, @SunnyDoc - but I think you should be a whole lot more unkind, and dump his sorry arse, as many other posters have said!

He is trying to emotionally blackmail you into having sex with him - I could not carry on a relationship with someone who did that. Fwiw, dh and I have very different sex drives, but he copes with dry patches by masturbating. If he can, so can this prince of a man you are in a relationship with.

Henbags · 09/05/2023 13:28

You do know that normal men don't threaten to sleep with other women if you can't see them for a few days? Where exactly have you been unkind.

RoryMcGory · 09/05/2023 13:32

Tide him over?
WTAF?

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 09/05/2023 13:38

He wasn’t happy with this and said that he might not be able to wait that long and might have to sleep with one of his colleagues to ‘tide him over’.

What a fucking horrible prick. Laugh in his face as you dump him.

Fraaahnces · 09/05/2023 13:42

He would be an ex-boyfriend immediately after sending that sms. What a fuckwit! You say that you know your worth… He obviously assumes you are worth less than you believe. Your job is to come and warm his bed when it suits him. Horrible man.

hookiewookie29 · 09/05/2023 14:02

"Might have to sleep with a colleague to tide him over"
WTF!!! What an arrogant piece of shit!!
I would have replied " do they know you're not very good?"
Twat.