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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have I been unkind?

101 replies

SunnyDoc · 09/05/2023 08:56

My boyfriend is currently ignoring me. Basically, he wanted me to come over but due to various reasons I am not free until Friday.

He wasn’t happy with this and said that he might not be able to wait that long and might have to sleep with one of his colleagues to ‘tide him over’.

I replied that I knew my worth. He replied that it was a difficult decision and that he should crack on. I also said that he might want to consider keeping quiet about things like this or I might make the decision for him and remove myself from the supposed ‘competition’.

He is now not speaking to me. This is a man in his late 40s. I want to have a sensible conversation with him where I explain that I found his comments hurtful but I am starting to think that it’s not worth it.

I just wanted some outside perspective though on whether I had been unkind to him.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 09/05/2023 10:35

The second you got that text was when he should have been dumped OP. You need to work a bit more on yourself flower.

CurlewKate · 09/05/2023 10:36

Dump.

HerMammy · 09/05/2023 10:36

You don't live together so much easier just to block and delete.

MammaTo · 09/05/2023 10:49

Jesus grow a back bone and block him, I wouldn’t of even dignified that response from him with an answer - I’d of just gone off his radar with ick.

Penguinsmum · 09/05/2023 10:53

Omg raise your standards and dump him! He is vile!

Takeitonthechin · 09/05/2023 10:55

You don't need our opinions OP, to see how much he isn't needed in your life. Just that one comment alone about sleeping with a colleague should set off so many alarm bells.

Block him and get on with your life, if you let him get away with a comment like this, it's downhill all the way from here. It in itself shows he has no disrespect for you.
Walk away and don't look back, one day you will be glad you did.
Good luck OP, go and enjoy your life without any detritus in it.

Takeitonthechin · 09/05/2023 10:56

Respect*

GuevarasBeret · 09/05/2023 10:59

Yes, just end it and block.

Then think about whether you would ever say to someone what he said to you about needing to be tided over.

he will come back with he’s only joking… but he isn’t really. He was upping to temperature on his frog boiler a notch. Jump out now, whilst you can.

WheelsUp · 09/05/2023 10:59

I'm sorry but this is so fucked up. I can't believe that you think that there's a possibility that you've been unkind.
This man is horrible. If you truly knew your worth he would have been dumped already.

OriginalUsername2 · 09/05/2023 11:00

He’s disgusting.

purpleboy · 09/05/2023 11:02

No you haven't been unkind, it might be harder for you to see that, but trust the many women here who are telling you you're worth more.
Dump this looser and keep working on yourself. You've already done a great job, but you still have some more to do. Flowers

midsomermurderess · 09/05/2023 11:04

A man knocking hard on the door of 50 sulking and trying to force you into something by threatening to shag some random colleague is not worth pissing on.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 09/05/2023 11:06

What an awful and unforgivable thing for him to say to you. I think I'd do as you said and take yourself out of the competition. Dump him and find someone who truly does see your worth and not just a sex toy

Novatherova · 09/05/2023 11:07

Ffs are you for real?

What do you want anyone to say? You know very well that he's being an idiot and to get rid.

Vallmo47 · 09/05/2023 11:08

You do deserve so much better OP and no one should EVER say to someone that they will go elsewhere for sex, because he’s in a relationship with YOU and so you should be the only person he’s interested in. It is a disgusting thing to say. But on a positive note, he did show you his real colours - believe them. There are many lovely people out there who’d love to treat you well and teach you what a lovely person you are. I know letting go is hard, but you truly will be so much better off without this man and you will be SO proud of yourself once you’ve made the cut. Block and delete, it’s 100% the right thing to do.

Stressfordays · 09/05/2023 11:09

I've had men say this to me so I believe you but your response should of been 'you crack on then' and block. Any man whinging about not seeing you because your busy is a massive ick and I wouldn't continue with it. Honestly, if you know your worth, just block the idiot. Life is too short and there are too many fish in the sea to waste your time on a whiny little man child.

1037370E · 09/05/2023 11:13
  1. leave him
  2. continue working on yourself
Lampan · 09/05/2023 11:15

I read your first post with a look of utter disgust on my face. He is VILE. He has no respect for you at all and is trying to control you with threats.
Know your worth and make sure you prove this by getting rid of him. He is relying on your low self-esteem to make threats like this.
There is nothing wrong with you but the longer you stay with a piece of shit like this, the more you will doubt yourself as your self-worth and confidence take a battering.

Whatonearthisgoingonnnn · 09/05/2023 11:19

What in the world have I just read???

I think I’d be setting this one free!!! You deserve better than some idiot who tries these tricks

Newestname002 · 09/05/2023 11:20

@SunnyDoc

I replied that I knew my worth. He replied that it was a difficult decision and that he should crack on. I also said that he might want to consider keeping quiet about things like this or I might make the decision for him and remove myself from the supposed ‘competition’.

You did well to bat back at him, OP. Personally I would just have said "Go for it" then block him on all platforms. He's really not good enough for you, in case that's not already clear. Urrgghh! 🌹

3487642I · 09/05/2023 11:23

@SunnyDoc you have been courageous to post a genuine question and you are definitely going to have a stronger sense of self worth when you cut this loser off!

Girls and women are often accused of being 'unkind' when they don't act like full service providers who exist to serve men, it is part of the training we receive to feel scared or guilty of being labeled mean, angry or worst of all, ,a "bitch". Truth is you are allowed to be any of these things and it is smart to be mean/angry/a "bitch" when the situation calls for it.

In this case however you would be none of these things if you blocked him without so much as a goodbye. He truly deserves it. Ever single poster so far wants much better for you than this awful man!

Misspacorabanne · 09/05/2023 11:27

Op you are worth more!!
No matter what excuses he came up with now, it would be a no from me!
A guy that says that doesn’t care about you, it’s controlling!
Move on, and don’t look back! You’ve done nothing wrong! But don’t give him any more chances!

MumLass · 09/05/2023 11:28

SunnyDoc · 09/05/2023 09:18

It genuinely is real. I’m sorry you don’t believe me and I don’t know why but the fact that some people might be doubting me has made me feel really panicky. I think I might have something wrong with me.

I’ve spent an awful lot of time working on myself to even get the strength to say that I know my worth.

Yo do know your worth. That's a good thing. Tell him to crack on with his colleague and block him. You deserve better.

barbarahunter · 09/05/2023 11:31

Agree with the others. What a truly revolting man, he is absolutely vile. Yuck!

Napoleonsjosephine · 09/05/2023 11:32

The thing is , his message makes it clear, you are nothing more than sex to him. For that alone you should end it immediately. He’s basically said if you can’t provide sexual services, that’s fine, he will find another willing body.

saying you know your worth is one thing. Acting like you do is another. Tell him jog on , he’s not your client and sex isn’t a service you provide.

he’s not talking to you like a boyfriend. He’s talking like a punter.