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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

This anonymous message still bothers me…

60 replies

Blossom4538 · 07/05/2023 14:25

And I know it shouldn’t really.

I received it just before Xmas and never got to the bottom of it. Some may remember…
I received this from an anonymous sender -

Why are you staying with . You know he is gay right? You need to get out of that situation you’re both fooling yourselves. The marriage is finished and has been for a long time

Wish I could forget or find an answer…

OP posts:

ChangedForEmbarrassingQuestions · 07/05/2023 14:32

I remember your thread.

I have no idea how to advise you though, I’m sorry.

Do you have any gut feeling? I suppose you might have a tiny bit, otherwise you would not still be thinking about it, is that fair to say?

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 07/05/2023 14:37

I'd take the attitude that anyone with the courage of their convictions (as opposed to a desire to make trouble from a distance) would put their name on a letter and be able to back up their assertions. As they didn't, they can be ignored - esp the sneery superior 'you're both fooling yourselves' bit.

clpsmum · 07/05/2023 15:14

How awful for you op

MayBeeJuneSoon · 07/05/2023 15:16

Has anything made you change you opinion of this person since you got the message?

Paperlate · 07/05/2023 15:19

I'd ignore any anonymous message. I think they are creepy and weird.

Treacletoots · 07/05/2023 15:22

So what are you going to do OP?

Did you try and find out the identification of the sender? Putting the number into WhatsApp could bring up a picture.

Secondly as someone who has dated someone for 8 years who did leave me for another man, it happens, and the signs are there.

What has your DH said when you've asked him outright?

27penny · 07/05/2023 16:56

I recieved an anon message about 12 years ago that my bf at the time had a child, and that they would move closer to us if he didn't get involved etc. To this day no idea whonsent it or why, broke us up at the time but the child has never appeared. And there were details in the message that meant whoever sent it had to know him personally. I still wonder....

Original poster

Blossom4538 · 07/05/2023 17:46

I can’t believe it still bothers me. I’m not sure what to do really.

OP posts:

Northernparent68 · 07/05/2023 18:00

rationalise it, someone wants you to break up with your husband. Maybe a woman who wants him to herself, or someone who’s angry with him, or it could be plain malice, and by dwelling on it you’re giving them the satisfaction.

TheEverlovingFork · 07/05/2023 18:09

I remember your previous thread. I'm so sorry this is still unresolved for you - what happened when you asked your husband?

Daffodilwoman · 07/05/2023 18:12

What did your oh say about it?
To me it implys they have had a sexual encounter with someone if the same sex.

EndsandBegins · 07/05/2023 18:14

Has anything happened that makes you more suspicious that it could be true?

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 07/05/2023 18:46

I remember your thread. If I remember rightly, it didn’t seem entirely implausible did it?

Original poster

Blossom4538 · 07/05/2023 19:15

He is adamant he has no idea what it means, who it could be from and that he is definitely not gay. He seemed upset about it.
Things have been a little difficult and we talked about trial separation - or I initiated it.
He seemed shocked and heartbroken.
We have no physical relationship, other than hugs. He is not interested in it and admits that - it’s just the way he is. It’s never really been natural or relaxed for him.

OP posts:

SaltyGod · 07/05/2023 19:21

I remember your thread too.

If your relationship is entirely platonic and you're both consenting and happy with this, and you treat each other with respect, does it matter if he's gay? Essentially you're just friends aren't you, married friends.

On the other hand, if the lack of physical relationship is an issue, that it itself is a reason to consider moving on, never mind him potentially being gay.

I know you're struggling to rationalise the message, but if someone has gone to the bother of sending you this note, I expect they have very good reason to believe he is gay. It's not the kind of prank that you'd take for a laugh, and given the other info you've shared it doesn't seem unlikely.

We have some friends where we, and many others, suspect he is gay. I've never mentioned it to her, and they seem happy but I do wonder if she's happy. They have separate bedrooms, at his instigation, for spurious reason.

Essentially; if you're happy with your relationship, ignore it, but if you're not you need to act to make yourself happier.

Treacletoots · 07/05/2023 19:27

Don't be Philip Schofields poor wife. You need to know the truth. The fact you don't have sex is a pretty stark red flag OP.

7eleven · 07/05/2023 20:13

I wonder if the reason you can’t let it go is because, deep down, you suspect it’s true?

something2say · 07/05/2023 20:16

The the question remains, does it matter to you OP?

Original poster

Blossom4538 · 07/05/2023 20:21

I think we need to separate but I’m heartbroken. We’re so close. Im worried for the future

OP posts:

tribpot · 07/05/2023 20:37

What do you want, and what does he want, @Blossom4538 ? It doesn't matter what the person who wrote the message wanted to happen. If you want to have a sexual relationship, you need to separate. If he wants to have a (gay) sexual relationship (which to be honest it doesn't sound like he does), he needs to separate. If you would both rather stay together and have the marriage you have now, that is absolutely fine too.

Shapemyeyebrows · 07/05/2023 23:13

@Blossom4538 I agree the fact he’s not interested in sex along with that anonymous note saying he’s gay kind of go hand in hand. If you are basically living as friends why not part as friends and let each other find a romantic relationship. Unless you’re happy with status quo of course. But doesn’t sound like you are.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/05/2023 23:19

We have no physical relationship, other than hugs. He is not interested in it and admits that - it’s just the way he is. It’s never really been natural or relaxed for him.

It's not far fetched to think he might be gay then, is it? It doesn't seem that your marriage is very satisfying for you.

Seaoftroubles · 07/05/2023 23:29

OP Have you ever had a physical relationship with him? If not you are just friends who live together really.You say he isnt interested in sex with you but didn't that trouble you?

Greenfairydust · 07/05/2023 23:43

If you have no sex life and you don't seem to be very happy together, it might be time to admit that you need to leave him and move on.

It doesn't seem too far-fetched that the anonymous sender was actually telling the truth.

Your partner might be in denial of his true sexual orientation but you should not have to live a lie.

It seems your relationship is simply a friendship based on pretence.

There are men who are so deeply unable to accept that they are attracted to men that they still refuse to describe themselves as gay, although they have sex with guys...

Zuyi · 07/05/2023 23:50

You don't have to unless you want to! Sex isn't everything and plenty of people have platonic relationships. This anonymous writer is a coward, not a Speaker of Truth. It's probably someone you know, and whose opinion you'd ignore if they said it to your face.

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