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Original poster

This anonymous message still bothers me…

60 replies

Blossom4538 · 07/05/2023 14:25

And I know it shouldn’t really.

I received it just before Xmas and never got to the bottom of it. Some may remember…
I received this from an anonymous sender -

Why are you staying with . You know he is gay right? You need to get out of that situation you’re both fooling yourselves. The marriage is finished and has been for a long time

Wish I could forget or find an answer…

OP posts:
Zuyi · 07/05/2023 23:54

The tone of that message is nasty. I can understand why it still bothers you.

Zuyi · 07/05/2023 23:54

Ugh so cowardly.

Original poster
Blossom4538 · 08/05/2023 13:53

I feel so sad to think of us being separated, we have so much history and I dread the impact on our SEN children. I am not sure I want to be in this situation in another 10 or 20 years time, or even 5 years time or this time next year, with no sexual or physical relationship. I feel so sad about it all and I don’t want to end up on my own. I haven’t
I haven’t the energy to cope with the fallout of a separation or meeting anyone new. H is so lovely and I just feel absolutely gutted.

OP posts:
SchoolTripDrama · 08/05/2023 14:32

27penny · 07/05/2023 16:56

I recieved an anon message about 12 years ago that my bf at the time had a child, and that they would move closer to us if he didn't get involved etc. To this day no idea whonsent it or why, broke us up at the time but the child has never appeared. And there were details in the message that meant whoever sent it had to know him personally. I still wonder....

I would presume that your partner has a child! My ex tells his partner of many years now, that he has no kids despite us having had a child together whom he hasn't seen in 8 years! I tried to tell her in a very civil message once and the response was for her to send the police to my door! Warning me not to contact her again. Turns out he'd denied it and she'd just wilfully believed him! Despite me having sent her the pics of him & I at the baby's birth. Nope, his lies were more believable apparently. He even called me to warn me off and brag about her having believed him.
Our child has no desire to ever see or speak to him, she is disgusted in him.

SchoolTripDrama · 08/05/2023 14:34

Blossom4538 · 07/05/2023 19:15

He is adamant he has no idea what it means, who it could be from and that he is definitely not gay. He seemed upset about it.
Things have been a little difficult and we talked about trial separation - or I initiated it.
He seemed shocked and heartbroken.
We have no physical relationship, other than hugs. He is not interested in it and admits that - it’s just the way he is. It’s never really been natural or relaxed for him.

I'm saying this with complete kindness & empathy - from what you've just said there it genuinely sounds to me like he's not attracted to women Flowers Gin

I'm so sorry OP

Original poster
Blossom4538 · 08/05/2023 14:45

He’s just not interested in it full stop I think, not just women. He suspects he may be neurodiverse so perhaps that has something to do with it. He does find me attractive and will give me compliments on my body, but not that interested in sex or perhaps confident enough - now I don’t want it with him either, which is so sad. I
love hugs etc but that’s it.

OP posts:
tribpot · 08/05/2023 15:03

It does sound as if he could be asexual - could you maybe ask him to be more physically affectionate if he doesn't have to worry about it leading on to anything? Ultimately only you can decide if you want this relationship to continue, or continue until the children are older, or if you want to suggest an open marriage. Take your time, there's no need to rush into a decision.

Shapemyeyebrows · 08/05/2023 15:21

@Blossom4538 would you not consider it more likely that he’s gay rather then asexual? That note to me sounds like he’s got involved with another man who is annoyed he is keeping up the pretence with you. I know you don’t want to believe he’s gay, and if he is gay, he’s also still very much in denial. You don’t have to go along with the denial though.

ForgottenWhyImHere · 08/05/2023 15:48

I remember your thread. I think I posted the contact details of support group Straight Partners Anonymous on there.

It's not uncommon for people to be in denial about their sexuality if they've been trying to ignore it for a long time.

I was in a nineteen year relationship with a man who maintained right up until we separated that he was not gay.

He's now in a LTR with another man. I've heard DC have say things like "daddy's gay but he didn't know" so I assume he now identifies as gay, but he's still never told me that.

I think my ex did actually know. He told me quite a lot shortly before we separated and he had been attracted to other boys from puberty.

I actually exchanged messages through MN with a lesbian who was also on a thread about either a gay husband or a lesbian wife (in a straight marriage). It was quite helpful to me because she clearly genuinely didn't know why her relationships with men hadn't worked out until she fell for another woman.

So, it's possible that your husband is gay and believes it when he says he isn't.

My marriage wasn't sexless, but it was lacking in affection and sex was very regulated. I think he needed sex to fit into a schedule so that he could be mentally prepared for it. I'm in a relationship with a lovely straight man now, and it's a very, very different experience.

I'm sorry you haven't got to the bottom of the anonymous message. Ultimately, regardless of whether or not your husband is gay, if you are not happy in the relationship then you don't have to stay in it.

From all the personal stories of straight women in relationships with gay men, it's pretty common for the man to take a long time to come out (if at all) after confronting his sexuality. Lots of men deny it for years, even if there is actually a lot of evidence (porn, affairs). So asking him isn't by any means going to give you a reliable answer. I asked my ex several times over the years and he always denied it.

None of that means that your husband is gay. But a lot of what you described fits with it being the case.

Don't stay in a relationship that isn't working for you. It's not worth it. Although I'm in a really good relationship now, I would far rather be single than in a loveless relationship like my marriage to my gay ex.

ForgottenWhyImHere · 08/05/2023 15:51

That should have said "From all the personal stories of straight women in relationships with gay men that I've heard, it seems pretty common..."

Sorry!

Seaoftroubles · 08/05/2023 16:27

O.P no matter how lovely he is its plain that you are not fulfilled or happy in your relationship, and just because he's nice does not mean you have an obligation to stay with him for the sake of your children. Its ok to separate and coparent your kids together, and you can still be friends too. Don't stay in a marriage where you are lacking intimacy and affection just because he is in denial, you deserve so much more.

Sunflowergirl1 · 08/05/2023 17:44

Blossom4538 · 08/05/2023 14:45

He’s just not interested in it full stop I think, not just women. He suspects he may be neurodiverse so perhaps that has something to do with it. He does find me attractive and will give me compliments on my body, but not that interested in sex or perhaps confident enough - now I don’t want it with him either, which is so sad. I
love hugs etc but that’s it.

I'm really sorry to add to this but the reason he isn't interested is because he most likely is gay. That message has come from someone who knows and what might be difficult for you to understand is that he maybe having "encounters". Google Ron Davies the former politician. If you are gay you can't stop it...but he won't be want sex with a female despite how much he loves you. You have to be realistic and recognise this unless you are prepared to stay with a man and have no intimate life...which isn't a marriage

Original poster
Blossom4538 · 08/05/2023 18:35

Maybe he is Asexual, Gay/Bi-sexual…but I’m pretty sure he’s had no sexual encounter with anyone else. Maybe there have been some feelings or something, but I have no idea how anyone would get my number. Unless a friend found out something….

There is also someone I have chemistry with, nothing has happened.

OP posts:
Seaoftroubles · 08/05/2023 19:31

The message could be from anywhere, maybe one of his friends was trying to warn you.
The fact there is someone you have chemistry with has no doubt heightened your feelings and increased your longing for an intimate relationship, but far better to separate from your husband now than be drawn into an affair.

messysewingbox · 08/05/2023 19:47

Is he the father of your children? You say out SEN children so I presume so.
When they were conceived was it purely for that purpose, or were things different at the beginning and you were intimate for reasons other than procreating?
If you want a romantic partner then it's perfectly fine to address this issue with him, making it clear that you will split if not resolved.
Marriage is a relationship which most people presume will be intimate, and

27penny · 08/05/2023 21:36

SchoolTripDrama · 08/05/2023 14:32

I would presume that your partner has a child! My ex tells his partner of many years now, that he has no kids despite us having had a child together whom he hasn't seen in 8 years! I tried to tell her in a very civil message once and the response was for her to send the police to my door! Warning me not to contact her again. Turns out he'd denied it and she'd just wilfully believed him! Despite me having sent her the pics of him & I at the baby's birth. Nope, his lies were more believable apparently. He even called me to warn me off and brag about her having believed him.
Our child has no desire to ever see or speak to him, she is disgusted in him.

Show quote history

Oh my god! I'm so sorry you have had that experience. Well i didn't really get any proper info, was a facebook message from a made up account account was deleted after, baby pic as profile pic but was never contacted again. Oh i totally believe its possible, he was in college course thing away at the time, lots of partying etc doesn't matter much now I'm divorcing him. Did u tell the woman who u were and be open about it like

CoronationKicking · 09/05/2023 00:53

"There is also someone I have chemistry with, nothing has happened"

Quite a drip feed OP. Changes things somewhat

randomuser2019 · 09/05/2023 09:13

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Thebigblueballoon · 09/05/2023 09:24

Whether he is gay or not, it seems clear that you’re not entirely happy or sexually compatible.

That message is odd. To me it reads like it could have been sent by a disgruntled male partner of his, who perhaps knows he won’t leave you. Or somebody who wants to be with him and was trying to stir the pot.

It does seem like your partner is asexual or gay. Your lack of physical relationship would have me seriously questioning the message too to be honest, OP.

Yellowdays · 09/05/2023 09:45

Could you agree that you don't have a sexual relationship but that you live together, and are both free to cultivate sexual relationships elsewhere?

Seaoftroubles · 09/05/2023 10:19

OP, Have you considered it might be the person you've mentioned that you have chemistry with who could have sent the anonymous message?

NotLoud1 · 09/05/2023 10:23

Putting 2 + 2 together it does sound like he is gay.
No interest in sex with wife and this message.

He ‘says that’s just the way he is’ with women.

Its tough to accept for both.
To OP as tough as it is I’d have it out with him further but you probably know yourself it’ll be very painful and probably end the marriage.

dottiedodah · 09/05/2023 10:41

Has he been going out more ? Taking more interest in his appearance maybe .I hate to say this, but it seems a strange message to send to someone. Has he had a fallout recently with anyone else . I think anoymous texts or notes are cowardly.So many married couples with DC dont have sex!

defi · 09/05/2023 10:44

Did you have suspicions before the letter

Original poster
Blossom4538 · 09/05/2023 14:30

Not really. Maybe - I just don’t think he’s that into sex and perhaps asexual.

Sorry for the drip feed - the person I have some chemistry with I mentioned in my original post a while back but forgot this time. Nothing can happen, neither of us have admitted anything. He does have my phone no and I know he was on a work get together/night out - the night before it was sent…came through at 6:25am. But sounds as though it could also be a friend who knows something and has my number, don’t know who though. I don’t think H is involved with anyone and if anyone liked him
and wanted to mess, I don’t think they’d have my mobile number.

He offered an open marriage on my side, which I don’t want to do and months later, actually feel slightly offended! I know it wouldnt work and it’s not what either of us really want. He’s just the loveliest, but can I spend the rest of my life, without that physical element,
without resentment building, my self esteem crashing (already possibly), feeling sad and regretful and then a risk of cheating/affair. But what if we separate and it’s a huge mistake, the impact on family and I don’t want to be lonely or upset him.

OP posts:
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