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Original poster

My (26F) boyfriend (32M) of 5 years says he's travelling the world alone

68 replies

ChloeMurray · 07/05/2023 12:39

I (26F) met my bf (32M) 5 years ago, since we’ve been together.
When I met him he already had a very good job, while I was still finalizing my studies.
He was very hard working, putting lot of hours, and even doing work on weekends on his own projects. To me it was even obsessive sometimes.
I had to study for a few more years, and now that I’m financially independent I though we were for a comfortable life together.
However, he had a crisis a few months back. It’s true that he has always mentioned things like this, but I didn’t think he was serious. He quited a very good job and is renting the flat he payed, and said to me that he’s traveling Europe alone, in his own words, almost like a “homeless”, at least for a few months.
I don’t know what to do, I feel betrayed.
I love him, but I feel like he’s egoistic and doesn’t have a live together with me in his mind.

OP posts:
Bananah · 07/05/2023 19:23

When they're not married and dont have children?
I mean that’s a totally different issue. The fact that after five years he hasn’t proposed or even suggested living together is a red flag in itself. It fits in with the idea that he’s not committed and doesn’t give a shit.

And yes, if you love your partner they are your priority, even above yourself. You compromise and sacrifice and do whatever you have to in order to make it work and stay together. Maybe you pick a different job, or live in a different city, or don’t go travelling, or at least take your partner with you. If he regards travelling as more important than keeping his girlfriend then she’s not that important to him.

TedMullins · 07/05/2023 19:36

Bananah · 07/05/2023 19:23

When they're not married and dont have children?
I mean that’s a totally different issue. The fact that after five years he hasn’t proposed or even suggested living together is a red flag in itself. It fits in with the idea that he’s not committed and doesn’t give a shit.

And yes, if you love your partner they are your priority, even above yourself. You compromise and sacrifice and do whatever you have to in order to make it work and stay together. Maybe you pick a different job, or live in a different city, or don’t go travelling, or at least take your partner with you. If he regards travelling as more important than keeping his girlfriend then she’s not that important to him.

Haha, no. I’m always gonna be my number one priority. I don’t think enough people prioritise themselves and they end up missing out on their hopes and dreams. You can also be committed without being married or having kids or doing everything together.

Thoughtful2355 · 07/05/2023 19:52

i actually think its a good idea for him. He hasnt "settled" yet, has no kids or commitments... now is the time to travel if thats what he wants.

I wish i hadnt been so stupid with time and just figured out what i wanted to do sooner before it was too late and i settled

retinolalcohol · 07/05/2023 20:01

Bananah · 07/05/2023 19:23

When they're not married and dont have children?
I mean that’s a totally different issue. The fact that after five years he hasn’t proposed or even suggested living together is a red flag in itself. It fits in with the idea that he’s not committed and doesn’t give a shit.

And yes, if you love your partner they are your priority, even above yourself. You compromise and sacrifice and do whatever you have to in order to make it work and stay together. Maybe you pick a different job, or live in a different city, or don’t go travelling, or at least take your partner with you. If he regards travelling as more important than keeping his girlfriend then she’s not that important to him.

I just dont see the sense in this. Get into a relationship so miss out on all the things you've always dreamt of doing. Live your life full of regret and possibly resentment. It's SO important to look after yourself in this life, to do the things that make you happy, because you only get one - the only exception being putting children/the family unit first.

I know plenty of couples that have gone traveling separately, who are now living together/married/with kids- my sister being one. They just understood that their partners have individual dreams (nothing to do with the relationship) & don't have to be joint at their hip.

If we use the same logic, if she loves him enough surely she should be willing to do long distance for a few months? I know plenty who have done it. Why should he have to be the one compromising his dream? He seems to be being held to such a high standard 'if he loves her enough' - why then shouldn't it be that she loves him enough to be happy for him to have this amazing opportunity and achieve his dreams??

Temporaryname158 · 07/05/2023 20:02

I think you follow that up with

”wonderful Dave, have a fabulous time! I take it this means we are on a break. See you in September and let’s see how we both feel”

don’t waste precious time waiting for him to pick you and a family life and return. He might so and it might all work out nicely….but don’t indulge this idea to the detriment of yourself.

he hasn’t consulted you or invited you (if he had my response would be different) he obviously feels totally ok walking out on you. Take that very seriously

readbooksdrinktea · 07/05/2023 20:05

2bazookas · 07/05/2023 13:52

You don't live together. You don't share a home, or domestic bills, so he's not leaving you penniless on the street.

You're just a BF and GF, that's not a lifetime commitment. He's a free adult who needs a change of scene and some time to himself.

You're being very unreasonable.

I agree with this. I totally get him. If I could afford it, I'd do the same. Minus the 'homeless' bit. That's a weird thing to say.

readbooksdrinktea · 07/05/2023 20:12

I don't understand how you feel betrayed tbh. He has told you about his plans several times. It's not his fault that you decided not to believe him.

Cattenberg · 07/05/2023 20:19

How long is he planning to be away?
Has he asked you to come with him?

Dacadactyl · 07/05/2023 20:20

This joker you've been with doesn't see a future with you at all. What a waste of your time he's been. Move on.

Riverlee · 07/05/2023 20:21

You’ve been together five years so I can understand this is a bit of a shock. You thought your life would continue together, but he’s unilaterally decided to go off travelling alone. He hasn’t even invited you for part of the trip.

He’s effectively checked out of the relationship and doesn’t see you part of his future. As other posters have said, don’t wait around for him. Take control the situation and move on.

TiaraBoo · 07/05/2023 20:41

It’s hardly a betrayal if he’s mentioned it before and you just ignored him!
And sounds like you’ve written it’s for a few months? Is that right? Again, not really a huge issue.
What is the problem is him saying he wants to do it alone - I’d talk to him to see if he wants to end the relationship or whether you could go with him at the beginning for a week or the end or something so you get to share a little bit of the experience but no take it over. Although if you’ve never believed he wanted to travel, you might not be the person he wants to share this experience with.
I’d just talk to him and see where you stand.

Okki · 07/05/2023 20:52

I'm a woman, but I went travelling at 27. I had talked about it for a while. At the point I left England, BF and I had just bought a house. We'd been together almost 4 years. He wasn't interested in travelling (still is t really) but knew it was something I wanted to do and didn't want me to resent him later in life if I didn't go. That was 20 years ago. We are still together - we were married 2 years after I got back.

Him wanting to go travelling doesn't mean he doesn't love you and doesn't see a future with you. (It could, but it doesn't have to). It could just be something he's always wanted to do and now is the time for him.

And as DH isn't really interested in travelling, once DC's leave home, I'll be going without him. Still love him.

Northe · 07/05/2023 20:52

How exciting for him that he wants to travel. Perhaps you can meet him for a holiday part way? This could be the making of your relationship and he might have lots if amazing adventures to tell you about. If you love him, let him enjoy!

TreesandFish · 07/05/2023 20:59

Travelling alone is liberating. Maybe you should try it as well. I did it very often, even when married. It's so important to learn to spend time alone and prioritise yourself! Too many couples compromise on their needs out of the mistaken belief that they must always do things together, and years down the road they feel suffocated

Kona84 · 07/05/2023 21:46

My experience: let him get it out of his system.
the skills and resilience he will need to achieve it will only be a strength to your relationship.
if you stop him even if he says he won’t he will resent you - and in 2,5,10 or even 30 years time he will regret not doing it and will be because of you.
If he goes he might find after a few days or weeks it’s actually not what he imagined and he comes home.

you could arrange to meet up with him on his travels for a weekend- I know a few couples who have done this.

Motherofalittledragon · 07/05/2023 21:48

Well it seems that's 5 years you've wasted on him, it appears that he's not taken the relationship seriously, I wouldn't be waiting for him upon his return!

Beesandhoney123 · 07/05/2023 22:02

5 years is a long time to be bf and gf with no moving in, etc and he has told you he plans to travel. This is not a surprise then. What happened a few months ago?

Your only mistake was not to dig a little deeper when he first talked about it, though to be fair, if you didn't answer with ' oh no, my plan is to live together, engaged, or whatever, and he didn't press you on your plans, then you've both been kidding each other.

He's worked very hard, and he has been building a career to come back to and saving up. You are in a different place.

He's going whether you like it or not, so wish him well, and find someone else.

I think he will, unless he plans to be celibate when away. He can't ask you to wait. Wait for what? Another five years of dating without a plan you both are committed to?

drpet49 · 07/05/2023 22:07

Leftphalange100 · 07/05/2023 14:01

I agree he should go if its what be wants to do.

I think its weird though that he hasn't asked a partner of 5 years to join him

They don’t even live together. That is much more strange.

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