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Original poster

My (26F) boyfriend (32M) of 5 years says he's travelling the world alone

68 replies

ChloeMurray · 07/05/2023 12:39

I (26F) met my bf (32M) 5 years ago, since we’ve been together.
When I met him he already had a very good job, while I was still finalizing my studies.
He was very hard working, putting lot of hours, and even doing work on weekends on his own projects. To me it was even obsessive sometimes.
I had to study for a few more years, and now that I’m financially independent I though we were for a comfortable life together.
However, he had a crisis a few months back. It’s true that he has always mentioned things like this, but I didn’t think he was serious. He quited a very good job and is renting the flat he payed, and said to me that he’s traveling Europe alone, in his own words, almost like a “homeless”, at least for a few months.
I don’t know what to do, I feel betrayed.
I love him, but I feel like he’s egoistic and doesn’t have a live together with me in his mind.

OP posts:

Roundandnour · 07/05/2023 14:55

He’s not egotistic.
He had a plan about travelling. He mentioned it more than once. You just didn’t want to accept he would do this.
Now he has some money, a tenant, no restrictions he’s going.

Don’t blame him tbh. Better than having regrets later in life

Of you lived together and planning a future together with dc’s and a marriage would be different

MrsCarson · 07/05/2023 14:56

Wish him well and get on with your life. I wouldn't hang about waiting for him.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 07/05/2023 15:06

He's always wanted to do this, so hasn't sprung his plan on you
Maybe after 5 years together you assumed a relationship would be enough to change his plan?( meant kindly)
I think your relationship has run its course

Bananah · 07/05/2023 15:20

ily0xx · 07/05/2023 14:34

This is absolute bollocks. A lot of people want to travel solo before this is no longer an option for them, for example after they have kids. Most do it in their twenties but he’s obviously left it late.

The unhappily single LTB brigade are out in full force as usual.

I wouldn’t end a 5 year relationship over him wanting to travel solo for a few months OP.

Show quote history

Judging from what has been said he hasn’t asked OP to go with him. He hasn’t said how long he’s going to be away. He hasn’t asked her to wait for him or given her any sort of promises about what will happen when he gets back. He hasn’t given her an engagement ring to secure their relationship during his absence. It’s not just “he wants to travel” which in itself would be fine - it’s the fact that he’s made no attempt to ensure the relationship continues in the meantime.

DreamCatcherKey528 · 07/05/2023 15:20

There are 2 types of people

People that dream about travelling, but never go, due to a variety of reasons

People that dream about travelling & make it happen

He has not invited you along to share his travelling dream

His actions speak 100 times louder than his words

SmudgeButt · 07/05/2023 15:40

Cold feet. He thinks you're going to want to get married or whatever the next step for you is. You could try quoting that blather about "if you love him, set him free...." Maybe he'll miss you. Maybe he won't.

Sugargliderwombat · 07/05/2023 15:56

I had this but I was the one who wanted to travel. It's unfair of you to stop him, especially as he had always spoken about it. You just have to decide whether to wait or not. Does he want you to wait for him?

Sugargliderwombat · 07/05/2023 15:57

SmudgeButt · 07/05/2023 15:40

But he's always said he wants to go. It sounds like OP had a life in mind but he had always been talking about something else.

Rightnowstraightaway · 07/05/2023 16:06

A few months isn't that long. I think travelling is exciting, plus he's told you before that he wants to do it. I made the mistake of not believing what a boyfriend was telling me at your age and it caused me pain, but it was my fault for not believing him.

You can't really do anything - if you stopped him he'd resent you. Presumably he doesn't want you to go with him? Or do you not want to go? You can of course decide not to wait for him.

Pinkdelight3 · 07/05/2023 16:13

I get that it's going to be hard and hurt a lot as it's probably a break-up, but ultimately I think that's no bad thing as you met him so young and are only 26. It'll be good to be single and have other relationships and find the right partner later on. Being stuck with this guy isn't much of a life together by the sounds of it, if he's either working all the time or sodding off on his own without you. Better to move on to more promising prospects and look back on him as early work.

TreesandFish · 07/05/2023 16:18

What's the problem? He wants to travel solo and he's doing it with his own money. Good for him! Travelling alone is a wonderful experience and he will learn a lot about himself and the world. I love travelling on my own

Dery · 07/05/2023 16:21

Totally disagree with the people who say he doesn’t love you and won’t return to you and that you have to give him ultimatums like you won’t be there when he gets back.

Either of these things may or may not be the case but it seems to me that he’s very sensibly trying to do this travel before he has responsibilities such as children.

The 7 years between you mean that he has more experience of the daily grind whereas you’re just starting out. He’s doing this for himself but why shouldn’t he? Now’s the time for him to do it. In your shoes, if you love him, I would encourage him to do this and be supportive.

TheSnowyOwl · 07/05/2023 16:24

I think he is saying he is breaking up with you and is off to do something he wants to do. It’s not egotistical and it’s what a lot of people enjoy doing.

lunaloveroo · 07/05/2023 16:29

It sounds to me that he's been so engrossed in work that he's heading for burn out and needs to step out of the rat race. He's had 7 years of work ahead of you, whilst you've just started so are unlikely to understand how he is feeling.

I think he needs to go and it would be wrong to ask him to stay. I'm assuming you don't have a mortgage together/ kids or any other financial or legal tie?

VintedoreBay · 07/05/2023 16:35

I said the same to my BF a while back, for me it was because I wanted to travel and to show myself that I could be totally independent! There was also the 'what if...' in the back of my mind - what if we went together and then our relationship didn't work out, then all my happy travel memories would be tarnished and so would his. I didn't want that.

He was a bit like you and wouldn't even try to see it from my POV although I could see it from his. So I went anyway, for about 7months. I had an absolute blast. Best thing I ever did. Being apart made me realise how much I valued our relationship and missed him, and for him too as we both missed each other, which wasn't unexpected but made me realise the strength of feelings.

Anyway, fast forward a few years we are now married, own a house and have a family together. And we lived abroad together for a number of years too.

So it doesn't necessarily mean the end of a relationship, it could be the making of it.

Quveas · 07/05/2023 16:40

So, in a nutshell, he's going to do what he always told you he would do. He's never made any commitment to a long term future with you. You chose to think he was not serious about traveling, but was serious about you? Despite all the evidence to the contrary? He isn't the egoist. You have made the relationship into something he did not promise, and you ignored what he told you in favour of your own imaginary future with him.

I understand that this is an upset for you, but I think you are being very unreasonable. Based on your own version of the past five years, he had been clear that this was what he wanted and would do.

saraclara · 07/05/2023 16:45

My SIL went to Australia for three months leaving her boyfriend (at the time) behind. Being away from each other confirmed how they felt about their relationship, and they've now been married for nearly forty years.

I had my travel crisis in my mid 50s, and (at my DH's suggestion) on two occasions went off for a month leaving him and our DCs behind. I loved him even more for encouraging and supporting me to do that.

TedMullins · 07/05/2023 16:49

I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong, and it doesn’t have to be the end of the relationship unless you let it. He’s said this is something he always wants to do so I’m not sure why you thought he wouldn’t? It is a bit odd if he just announced it out of the blue, admittedly, but I don’t believe being in a relationship means you have to give up on individual dreams or pursuits. Especially if you don’t live together or have kids. I have a partner but I’ve travelled alone while we’ve been together and will do it again. I have more flexibility than him so why should I sit at home when I could be travelling just because he can’t? (Yes we do go away together as well)

retinolalcohol · 07/05/2023 16:50

I think him not going traveling (something he has always stated he wanted to do) because you don't want him to would be a massive mistake. These are the things people get to 85 and regret not doing. It's his life & dream, whilst (statistically - not a personal attack) your relationship may not last even if he did stay.

You need to have the discussion on whether he plans to stay faithful/return to you/how long he is going for. You have to work out whether this is about his dream for himself & nothing about you.. or whether he's soft launching a breakup.
If it's the former and the relationship is otherwise good, it would also be a mistake for you to try to force his hand. You will either lose him or he will resent you forever. I would tell any one of my friends to run a mile from someone who tried to squash their dreams!

TripleDaisySummer · 07/05/2023 16:53

I don’t know what to do, I feel betrayed.
I love him, but I feel like he’s egoistic and doesn’t have a live together with me in his mind.

He's not on the same page as you and I suspect you've been ignoring this and now you can't.

It is something he spoke about so it's not out the blue but I suspect you haven't been having future talks or if you have not listening to each other.

He's doing what he wants so now you need to decide how you deal with this - move on - set limits - or accept it and hope he gets on same page or try talking to him so that you are.

thisisallquitecomplicated · 07/05/2023 17:08

I understand him wanting to travel alone. Traveling like a couple means compromising with someone else, and you are not as 'open' to meeting others. Others would soon feel like third wheeling. It sounds like he wants proper freedom to do whatever he wants for a while. I don't see it as him breaking up with you in the slightest, but him fulfilling a dream he had for himself, which was solo travel. Within a secure relationship, it should be possible to offer that space.

My DP lets me solo travel, as he knows I want to do things/visit places that he is not interested in. I am happy and relieved by that, as he would not be my idea of a good travel mate (but is my idea of a good partner in general). I do a lot of my soul-searching and processing of emotions when traveling alone. It takes a bit of mutual trust, but this works for both of us.

It is up to you whether you are happy to facilitate it. In your position I would take a wait and see approach, due to your age. Had you been ten years older and nearing the end of your fertility, I would have taken a harsher view. But losing potentially a few months to a man at 26 would not have bothered me. Hopefully he comes back with loads of stories, renewed commitment to you, etc. If he doesn't, you have time enough to start dating again and find someone else to settle down with.

Treacletoots · 07/05/2023 17:18

@ily0xx what nonsense! Unhappily single LTB brigade!

I'm very much nearly always in the LTB brigade because I've been there, worn the tshirt and can spot bullshit 3 miles away.

It's this take absolutely no shit approach to dating that led me to being very happily married to the perfect man for the last 10 years.

OP. He'd made it clear you aren't a priority to him. Don't make him yours. In the kindest way I agree with everyone who says block and walk away. When people show/tell you who they are, listen. He's very clearly told you, you're not his priority. Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who has done that. Raise your bar.

MelchiorsMistress · 07/05/2023 17:22

He told you this was something he wanted to do, you just chose not to listen because it didn’t fit with your plan for the future.

He really isn’t doing anything wrong, and if your relationship is meant to be, then it will survive one of you going travelling alone for a few months.

MysteriesOfTheOrganism · 07/05/2023 17:22

Even though you're not very far apart in years you're at different stages of life. He needs to travel and explore. Better that he does that now rather than 15 years down the road when you have a couple of kids together. Sad for you, but better now than later.

retinolalcohol · 07/05/2023 17:38

For the people saying dump him because she's not his priority... should she be his priority over himself? Over his long term dreams for his life? When they're not married and dont have children?

Id argue that he should prioritize himself tbh. I personally spent too many years missing out on experiences because of how my 'partner' felt - guess how many of those partners Im still with now? None, and I can't get those opportunities back

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