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Original poster

My (26F) boyfriend (32M) of 5 years says he's travelling the world alone

68 replies

ChloeMurray · 07/05/2023 12:39

I (26F) met my bf (32M) 5 years ago, since we’ve been together.
When I met him he already had a very good job, while I was still finalizing my studies.
He was very hard working, putting lot of hours, and even doing work on weekends on his own projects. To me it was even obsessive sometimes.
I had to study for a few more years, and now that I’m financially independent I though we were for a comfortable life together.
However, he had a crisis a few months back. It’s true that he has always mentioned things like this, but I didn’t think he was serious. He quited a very good job and is renting the flat he payed, and said to me that he’s traveling Europe alone, in his own words, almost like a “homeless”, at least for a few months.
I don’t know what to do, I feel betrayed.
I love him, but I feel like he’s egoistic and doesn’t have a live together with me in his mind.

OP posts:

HowRatherGolly · 07/05/2023 12:49

That is a bit of a punch in the stomach.
Its undersandble that you feel left out on his future plans after 5 years together.

If he had some crisis a while ago l also understand why he may feel the need to change his plans.

Doesn't sound like you live together?
Is he suffering with depression?

Seeing he has always spoken about doing this sort of adventure, perhaps its a good thing he is doing something for himself. To get perspective.

Or whatever.

Its down to you what you do now. If this is a deal breaker of sort.

Xoxoxoxoxoxox · 07/05/2023 13:03

I can understand that he feels if he doesn't go off on adventures now then it might be too late, to be fair most people get this out of their system in their 20's though.
As far as you are concerned I can see why you feel let down, it's not been discussed with you and you have been led to believe that you are building a life together.
I'm not sure if I could trust him again, even if he just jaunts around for 6 months and makes a big 'I have returned! We can now resume' kind of play for you, I wouldn't be able to have faith that later on- if you have children with him or other commitments then he would just unilaterally decide things which are against your interests.

MMmomDD · 07/05/2023 13:06

I think you need to let him go through this phase in a way he needs to.
He needs to figure out his life on his own - it’s not linked to your timing. And you are on slightly different timelines anyway.
You just arrived at ‘adulthood’ in a way. Just finished studies and got financial stability. He’s been there earlier, and he is a bit older.
I think in early 30 people sometimes go through their first crisis of sorts. It’s when you realise you are no longer ‘up and coming young person’. You have arrived into adulthood and are facing years of working and needing to be mature, etc.
And not everyone takes it well. Takes town to accept it.

If you love him - the best thing is to be gently supportive. Let him go and do his thing. Keep the connection. See how it goes.

When you met him you were very young. And you must have coached a lot since then. It’s not a bad thing for your relationship to take a pause and reassess if you are still good for each other.

If it’s meant to be - you will survive him travelling for a few months. And you’ll miss each other and it will lead to the relationship being stronger.
Or - you will realise it’s run it’s course and you will go your own ways.

DreamCatcherKey528 · 07/05/2023 13:19

I believe that the covid restrictions changed the way we think about the world

He may have been planning this for some time ?

It is a good time to travel now that the covid restrictions have eased & countries are welcoming tourists & travellers again

Perhaps he wanted to travel before he had children & responsibilities ?

You can stay friends & meet him somewhere on his travels

Or you can split up & go your separate ways

He is not wrong to want different things to you

You might meet someone better suited to you in the future

2bazookas · 07/05/2023 13:52

You don't live together. You don't share a home, or domestic bills, so he's not leaving you penniless on the street.

You're just a BF and GF, that's not a lifetime commitment. He's a free adult who needs a change of scene and some time to himself.

You're being very unreasonable.

TheApplianceofScience · 07/05/2023 13:58

2bazookas · 07/05/2023 13:52

You don't live together. You don't share a home, or domestic bills, so he's not leaving you penniless on the street.

You're just a BF and GF, that's not a lifetime commitment. He's a free adult who needs a change of scene and some time to himself.

You're being very unreasonable.

Agreed.

Leftphalange100 · 07/05/2023 14:01

I agree he should go if its what be wants to do.

I think its weird though that he hasn't asked a partner of 5 years to join him

Thewitcherswolf · 07/05/2023 14:01

Dump him? I would. Or tell him as far as the relationship is concerned you’re on a break and free to see other people. You can decide whether you’re interested in being with him again if he comes back and wants to resume the relationship.

Bananah · 07/05/2023 14:02

In the kindest way, he doesn’t love you. Men don’t swan off to travel and leave a woman who they’re in love with. In fact men don’t let go of a woman they’re in love with, full stop. It’s good that you’ve found out now, you’re young enough to move on and find someone who does love you.

Btw, this happened to me when I was about the same age. Fifteen years later he still hasn’t married, despite being with his new girlfriend for a decade. He just isn’t the type of guy to commit. He didn’t want to commit to me back then and he doesn’t want to commit to her now, and probably never will. People tell you who they are: take notice.

tailinthejam · 07/05/2023 14:06

Well he'll either come back to you or he won't. What you need to decide is whether you would want to have him back or not.

How long does he say he'll be gone? If it is more than 2-3 months, I really can't see that he could expect you to put your life on hold and wait for him to return.

littleripper · 07/05/2023 14:06

I think this is really unfair. He has always said he was going to do this, this was his plan. You chose to ignore this and think you could control what he did. He has the right to live his life however he chooses. I backpack for months a year and I am 48, I am not 'homeless' - it is my choice and my life. Maybe he'd offer for you to come with him if you had the funds.

chezpopbang · 07/05/2023 14:11

You don't have much choice but to let him leave but I would be saying don't expect me to be waiting when you are done with your travels. He can't love you the way you should be if he isn't wanting to do this adventure with you. I wouldn't be able to trust that If he had tough times in the future (which will happen if you have a life together) he wouldn't do the same and just leave.

JustMyOnion · 07/05/2023 14:11

I've had 2 now exs say they are going off to "find themselves"! First one hit me like a bus the 2nd one I said ok, bye - then blocked and deleted.
1st is in Devon with a wife and a few kids the eldest born 14 months are he left - the 2nd made it as far as Manchester

My advice say Bye then block delete - do not waste anymore time on this person. Go and find someone who isn't a massive selfish twat

AnnaMagnani · 07/05/2023 14:14

He's dumped you, he just hasn't told you.

If he was in a serious relationship with you, you would be planning this trip together. If he went on his own he'd be missing you like crazy and thinking 'I wish @ChloeMurray was here to see this'

He's happy to leave you for months on end, he just won't say you're dumped in case he wants a booty call when he gets back.

DreamCatcherKey528 · 07/05/2023 14:20

If you don't currently live together, then you are 2 single people

He is free to do what he wants to & so are you

Why were you not living together ?

Polis · 07/05/2023 14:26

In the kindest way, he doesn’t love you. Men don’t swan off to travel and leave a woman who they’re in love with.

Some do. One of my relatives announced his intention of spending a year travelling alone to his long term partner. Similar circumstances, He had talked about it for years but she never thought he would actually do it. It didn't seem to have occurred to him that she might not be too happy about it. They compromised on three months. If he wasn't back by then, she wouldn't be waiting for him.

He was. Just.

Peachy2005 · 07/05/2023 14:27

Don’t hang around waiting for him, whatever you do.

AgnesX · 07/05/2023 14:30

I'm sorry but reading between the lines it's the end of the line for your relationship. Even if you're still "available" on his return would you really want to.

ily0xx · 07/05/2023 14:34

Bananah · 07/05/2023 14:02

This is absolute bollocks. A lot of people want to travel solo before this is no longer an option for them, for example after they have kids. Most do it in their twenties but he’s obviously left it late.

The unhappily single LTB brigade are out in full force as usual.

I wouldn’t end a 5 year relationship over him wanting to travel solo for a few months OP.

CAJIE · 07/05/2023 14:35

For goodness sake not everyone needs to marry.and some people will travel into their 70s.no one size fits all for people.let him be.He wants his freedom and at the moment he does not want you.its hard.I know.

CAJIE · 07/05/2023 14:40

Why is it late ffs? He could travel in his mid or late 30s and depending on his career still settle down in good time.If his partner wants babies she needs to freeze eggs if she is worried about the future.or find another man.she has many more years of fertility tho i get nothing is guaranteed.Perhaps he just sees the cage of conformity closing in on him.

CAJIE · 07/05/2023 14:42

I have learned you cannot force anything from people.learned too late i expect!!

billy1966 · 07/05/2023 14:44

OP,

He wants to travel and you aren't married nor have you children together, he has worked hard for years.

I think he is right to take the opportunity before it is too late.

Accept that the relationship has run its course and move on.

Relationships end.

Beachhutnut · 07/05/2023 14:45

Just establish clear boundaries. Are you remaining together while he travels ( in which case you expect him to stay faithful, check in regularly and make time to see you when you can arrange to meet somewhere) or are you separating ( in which case bothe free to see other people and he can just drop you a line when he's back).

Greenfairydust · 07/05/2023 14:49

You are not married, you don't have kids or shared financial commitments so frankly your boyfriend can do whatever he likes with his life.

I think you might need to accept that the future you had planned is not his idea of the future and that your relationship might be over.

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