Someone only mentioning that they have a child on first date - OLD

[Confuzzled2]

Hi everyone,

I went on a date with a really lovely man yesterday, and we’ve already planned a second date, etc. We’ve been talking for quite a while (a month) via text. Anyway, he dropped it in conversation on the date that he had a child and that he understands “if that puts me off”. Just wondering why he would wait till the first date to tell me?? I don’t mind that he has a child, but it would have been a wasted date if I did mind. Not really a big deal, but has anyone else experienced this?

Why would you wait until the first date to ask? Surely the first few questions you ask are your dealbreaker ones - are you single, do you have kids, where do you live? etc.

@Heroicallyfound I just assumed he didn’t have children, because most people seem to mention it in their profiles if they do. It isn’t a dealbreaker for me, but I am curious as to why you’d wait till the first date to tell someone.

I've often heard people advise not to mention having children on their profile as it can attract paedophiles.

Sometimes people like to be evaluated as an individual & to show what they are like as a person before mentioning the kids. Just to see if their personality can trump the fact they do have a child (should it be an issue).

I think this is OK, the first time he met you, he told you.
Unless he had "I've no children" on his profile.

Because he figured you might not give him a chance if he revealed it before you met. Loads of folk are funny about dating people with children. He was hoping that if you met, you’d give it a go regardless.

I think that's bang out of order from him. Because it's a deal breaker for many, so it is wasting their time to not disclose it way before the date.

I would want to know on profile. If had young kids,I would pass. I'm.too old for potential hassle

Why would a parent want to date someone who didn't want to date a parent?

I absolutely wouldn't date a parent so even if it's not mentioned in their profile I would expect to be told before the date.

I would never put my children in my profile it's not recommended. However I would mention it pre meet up.

God I hate this so much. Met someone a couple of years back. We'd been chatting for ages, nothing on his profile - admittedly nothing about kids, not specifically saying no kids. Then drops on the date 'oh btw I have two boys' and changes the subject.

Honestly someone who just squeezes it in like it was saying oh btw I'm vegetarian was not the sort of person I want to see again. But kids are a dealbreaker for me so it was a no go anyway. Still annoys me though, made me feel a bit tricked. Kids are such a big thing, and if you can talk for a while before meeting and not mention them, it seems like you're hiding them.

But that's supremely selfish isn't it? ' I don't care that I'm potentially wasting your time here'

Why did you assume he didn't? It's hardly stringing you along if he's told you the first time you met.

Everybody's different, and just because he did it differently to you, doesn't mean he was wrong. There's a strong argument either way. Best guess? It wasn't about you, it was about protecting his child.

I wouldn’t date a man with kids but I’m the first date isn’t to late to tell you about this imo.

Nothings happened yet so I think what he’s done is fine.

I agree. I’d want to be told. I also don’t have kids and would have serious reservations about dating somebody who did.

It is. I’d be pissed if I wasn’t told before a meeting. But it happens all the time.

Honestly someone who just squeezes it in like it was saying oh btw I'm vegetarian was not the sort of person I want to see again

Why is this a reason not to see someone again?!

Because, like it or not, your kids should be a massive part of your life.
Either they are, and thus you're possibly a great dad, but your prospective girlfriend should be made aware that your time will be limited and there'll be potentially not their kids around.
Or, they're not a massive part of your life, in which case they've defaulted parenting to the other parent, which is shit.
So, neither option is good.

He was completely out of order. You were chatting for a month and he never mentioned his children!? Surely him looking after them or taking them somewhere would crop up in normal conversation.

There’s a massive assumption underlying this that he’s looking for something like a long term committed relationship where his partner wants to be a mother to his children.

Maybe he’s just looking for a partner he can see once or twice a week in his child-free time, not a mother for his children.

If OP is looking for something different she needs to get better at asking men about themselves and their intentions and sussing out whether they match her intentions. It’s silly to expect men to tell her everything that matters to her up front - they’re not mind readers.

I told my OLD new man on the phone when we were arranging our first date. There was absolutely no way I'd put it on my profile!
2 more kids and a grandchild on the way, we're still very much together and I think my decision was fine.

He hasn't misled you, he waited to see if you were nice and would want to spend more time getting to know you before he told you. He's put his role as a parent first in my eyes. If he was trying some sort of deception or entrapment he'd hardly have told you on the first date!

When I was dating as a single parent I’d tick the box ‘with kids’ but
a) It put off just about every man except MILF lovers
b) I did worry that about what kind of men would be attracted - whether this was those looking for ‘vulnerable’ women.

So yes, like if I met someone in a bar I wouldn’t tell them I had kids at first, I’d wait until the 2nd or 3rd date. The first date and initial ‘meet’ is all about whether as individual there is commonality isn’t there?

Safeguarding, letting people know u have kids on yr profile would be opening up yr kids to potential abuse as it’s an easy place for them to find a partner.

I definitely wouldn’t be putting the fact I had kids on a profile… far too dangerous. I think mentioning it at first face to face meeting is about right.

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