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Original poster

Someone only mentioning that they have a child on first date - OLD

77 replies

Confuzzled2 · 06/05/2023 15:16

Hi everyone,

I went on a date with a really lovely man yesterday, and we’ve already planned a second date, etc. We’ve been talking for quite a while (a month) via text. Anyway, he dropped it in conversation on the date that he had a child and that he understands “if that puts me off”. Just wondering why he would wait till the first date to tell me?? I don’t mind that he has a child, but it would have been a wasted date if I did mind. Not really a big deal, but has anyone else experienced this?

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 06/05/2023 19:41

It annoys me when I see parents justify this based on them wanting to see if there's a connection first, it's so selfish. Whether you like it or not you are pushing people into a social situation where they are more likely to feel pressured into accepting it, and then you end up with someone whose heart isn't really in it. Not fair on them or the children.

I understand the reason not to put it on the profile but I'd be annoyed if it wasn't mentioned in the messages before meeting up.

spottybug · 06/05/2023 19:45

aSofaNearYou · 06/05/2023 19:41

It annoys me when I see parents justify this based on them wanting to see if there's a connection first, it's so selfish. Whether you like it or not you are pushing people into a social situation where they are more likely to feel pressured into accepting it, and then you end up with someone whose heart isn't really in it. Not fair on them or the children.

I understand the reason not to put it on the profile but I'd be annoyed if it wasn't mentioned in the messages before meeting up.

Yeah thats a point. I think my DH mentioned it in messages before we went on the first date. During a "any plans this weekend" type conversation. But no, not on profile.

happinessischocolate · 06/05/2023 19:47

What does his profile say? Surely there's an age? Have kids? Want kids? Section?

Catlord · 06/05/2023 20:33

I really think parents should mention this before meeting. I think it's a big enough part of your life that yes, ok, maybe the other person could ask but you'd assume that someone would mention it.l, especially when looking for a relationship. Most apps I tried had the option to say whether you have DC. I eventually put on my profile 'sorry but I'm not looking for anyone with kids already' because I had a couple of these encounters.

QueefQueen80s · 06/05/2023 20:45

Most people have kids so it's daft to hide it, and very weird to not mention it in a while month of talking!? How did it not come up from him.. he has actively hidden it. Nights he has the kids he'll have said he was doing something else. So not an honest person.

shivawn · 06/05/2023 20:48

Guineasrule · 06/05/2023 15:28

Sometimes people like to be evaluated as an individual & to show what they are like as a person before mentioning the kids. Just to see if their personality can trump the fact they do have a child (should it be an issue).

I think you answered it spot on.

First date is a perfectly reasonable time to mention it.

Dacadactyl · 06/05/2023 20:49

I don't think it's odd. He didn't think it was a big deal not to mention the kids because he assumed that if it was a deal breaker for you, you'd have asked him before the date.

I have kids but (if i was single) I wouldn't want to date a man with kids. But then I'd ask him if he had kids before I agreed to a date anyway.

PsychoHotSauce · 06/05/2023 21:16

I don't think kids is on us to ask tbh. If your kids are a big part of your life (and it is a bit different for women who normally live with them full time of course) they should naturally come up in conversation pre-meet, even in passing.

You don't have to put it publicly on your profile, but personally I talk for 1-2 weeks before we meet. If a man's DC hasn't come up by then, then they're either a shit dad or being deliberately deceptive.

spottybug · 06/05/2023 21:22

QueefQueen80s · 06/05/2023 20:45

Most people have kids so it's daft to hide it, and very weird to not mention it in a while month of talking!? How did it not come up from him.. he has actively hidden it. Nights he has the kids he'll have said he was doing something else. So not an honest person.

Do they? Surely that depends on age etc?

burnoutbabe · 06/05/2023 21:38

It's selfish. I would not date a msn with kids so it's a total waste of time going on a date.

This assumes he lied oh his profile.

AllOrNothingSituation · 06/05/2023 21:41

I dated a man that didn't tell me for a month (we had actually been seeing each other in that time irl not chatting online ) then one night he blurted it out. I was really angry and no I didn't just assume he had kids we were early 20s so not something I would have assumed! I had none myself so wouldn't have wanted to date someone that did.

sunshineandshowers40 · 06/05/2023 21:42

I think it should have been mentioned in your chat/messages before you met. Does he see the child? I find it a bit strange not to mention it.

QueefQueen80s · 06/05/2023 21:43

@spottybug Sorry you're right, I'm assuming OP is 35+

drpet49 · 06/05/2023 21:47

Skybluepinky · 06/05/2023 19:25

Safeguarding, letting people know u have kids on yr profile would be opening up yr kids to potential abuse as it’s an easy place for them to find a partner.

This

Mari9999 · 06/05/2023 21:47

OP, why don't you simply say on your profile " Not interesting in dating anyone with children " ?

Original poster
Confuzzled2 · 06/05/2023 21:48

Like I say, I don’t mind that he has children. I got the feeling on the date that he’s not hugely involved parenting-wise, and that he doesn’t intend to rope his future partner into a mothering role. So maybe that’s why he didn’t mention it. It did surprise me though, because I didn’t even have a suspicion that he might have children - he gave the impression of being a very free rootless person.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confuzzled2 · 06/05/2023 21:49

@QueefQueen80s I’m 25, he’s 37

OP posts:
Chillybill · 06/05/2023 21:50

arethereanyleftatall · 06/05/2023 17:36

I think that's bang out of order from him. Because it's a deal breaker for many, so it is wasting their time to not disclose it way before the date.

If it’s a deal breaker for someone then they can ask about it as soon as they get chatting. The onus is on the person whose deal it would be break.
Else do you have to just reveal a list of things that someone might hate as soon as they click on your profile?

EmmaEmerald · 06/05/2023 21:50

phishfoodforlife · 06/05/2023 17:46

Why would a parent want to date someone who didn't want to date a parent?

I absolutely wouldn't date a parent so even if it's not mentioned in their profile I would expect to be told before the date.

Show quote history

Yes, I'd ask if I did OLD. It appalls me that you have to ask though, you should be told before meeting.

Chillybill · 06/05/2023 21:51

Confuzzled2 · 06/05/2023 21:48

Like I say, I don’t mind that he has children. I got the feeling on the date that he’s not hugely involved parenting-wise, and that he doesn’t intend to rope his future partner into a mothering role. So maybe that’s why he didn’t mention it. It did surprise me though, because I didn’t even have a suspicion that he might have children - he gave the impression of being a very free rootless person.

The ‘not being hugely involved parenting wise’ as a father would be the deal breaker for me.
Why would you want to be with a man that thinks that is a reasonable way to treat his children?
Assume he’s quite happy that the mother of his children bothers to be involved patenting wise else the kids are in the shit aren’t they?

spottybug · 06/05/2023 21:52

Right but if their mum dies they'll live with him full time. So there's that.

spottybug · 06/05/2023 21:53

he’s not hugely involved parenting-wise and as PP said.. why not? Why isn't he involved parenting-wise? I am a stepmum and there's no way I'd be involved with someone who wasn't parenting their kids.

AllOrNothingSituation · 06/05/2023 21:54

Mari9999 · 06/05/2023 21:47

OP, why don't you simply say on your profile " Not interesting in dating anyone with children " ?

No that doesn’t work men will ignore it (speaking from experience)

Original poster
Confuzzled2 · 06/05/2023 21:58

@Chillybill It’s only been one date, so I don’t really know the details, but when I asked what his childcare schedule was (which days he has his son), he said there was no schedule.

OP posts:
QueefQueen80s · 06/05/2023 22:00

Confuzzled2 · 06/05/2023 21:49

@QueefQueen80s I’m 25, he’s 37

He's not involved much parenting wise and big age gap? Run!