Fed up of lazy entitled husband

[Fedupandtiredmum]

Just as the title says.

I really feel like I'm going to run myself into the ground and have a breakdown or end up really unwell. I've got a constant sore throat, constant head ache and I'm always tired and snappy.

Me and my husband have been together around 19 years. When we met we were both in college so we were 17 and 18. He ended up doing an apprenticeship and then got the job he's in now and has worked his way up the ranks. I went to uni, had our first child straight out of uni. Unplanned but due to how long we had been together we knew we could make it work. As a result I've never used my degree and have worked jobs around the family. At first I worked 12 hours at a weekend whilst he worked full time in the week so someone was always at home with our child. I did all the housework at this time as it was only fair as I was home during the week.

Then when DC1 started school I changed job and worked 18 hours a week, a mix of days and a weekend day. Again, I did all of the housework as I was only part time, other than the dishes, bins and cat tray which DH did (and still does) plus he dropped DC1 off at granny's house 2 mornings a week so she could take DC to school as our start times didn't allow us do to this.

I was quite happy with this set up the bulk of the time. We had another child whilst in this situation who slotted in so well.

Then the pandemic hit and I needed to change jobs as my role became impossible to do with two young kids, the start times and finish times as well as teaching at home. Plus they couldn't promise my role would go back to how it was after covid finished.

I have now been in my job for almost 2 years. I do 25 hours a week one week over 2 and a half days. The long days are 11 hours, 10 hours and then a 5 hour day. I get an unpaid lunch break on the long days. The second week I do 30 hours a week over 3 long days. I start at 8am and there are no busses from where we live at this time. So I have to walk 45 to 50 mins to the nearest bus then there is a 25-30 min bus ride to my work location. So I'm leaving my home at 6.20 in the morning. I'm not able to drive at the moment due to a health condition, haven't been able to for some time. DH works 36 hours a week from home and the kids are 8 and 15.

I don’t have time for in housework on my work days so I do it all on my days off. Our house isn't a tiny house either, I have a downstairs toilet room, an upstairs family bathroom and 2 en suits to clean. Then the kitchen. Then the dining room. Then the study. Then the 3 bedrooms plus changing 2 double beds and a single. All the hovering, mopping tiled floors and dusting. The meal planning, the food shopping. I chop and prep all the evening meals the night before and store it in the fridge and load the slow cooker before work. I make the lunches the night before. I have to do all the washing, drying and ironing. Im also the one who deals with the general admin, such as knowing when prescriptions are due, opticians, when the cat needs the vets, who has what school trips etc on what days, who needs more clothes / shoes and sorting that out. I'm often not in bed before 11pm at night. Then my alarm goes at 5am and it starts all again.

This is where it is starting to really frustrate and piss me off. DH is still maintaining that I'm not full time and should be doing the bulk of the house work. He feels the dishes, bins, cat tray and taking kids to school is enough. Especially as he brings home 4 x my salary which allows us to have a nice lifestyle (holiday abroad each year, detached house. Not excessive my any means.

I've tried to explain this was fine when I was on 12 hours and then 18 hours a week but not when I'm on 25-30 hours. Yes I know it's not full time but with the commute and the wake up times etc it's pretty damn close. I've asked and asked, begged, pleaded for more help. He does for about a week and then it slips back. The kids don't help and DH says as they are kids they shouldn't have to.

Everyone is saying they are excited for another bank holiday weekend. I'm just thinking how am I going to get everything done and get some adequate rest.

I am almost at breaking point and I just don't know what to do anymore.

Stop making excuses and stop being a martyr. Leave all the jobs and stop running round after everyone. As for your husband it's not the 1950s, start standing up for yourself, teach your kids to help out, and do nothing for him at all.

It will be harder to stay and put up now the scales have fallen from your eyes.

Look at leaving, you could live somewhere that works for a non-driver. You supported him whilst he worked his way up so you go for pension sharing.

Life as a single parent as one near adult and one 8 year old won't be easy but you won't have the resentment and know that you are burning out whilst he doesn't give a shit.

I can imagine you and DD pretty happy together tbh. If your H wants to pick up after your 15 year old and live like a slob then leave them to it.

Who knows he may go back to his parents where his mummy can look after him.

So true.

Your daughter is being prepped for a similar life and you are likely to see a daughter in law and grandchildren raised in an abusive home.

Intergenerational abuse is what you are a part of.

Your husband is highly abusive and a bad man.

Do you want your daughter ending up with a man like him?

I am married to a lovely man, and yet one of my greatest fears is not being around if my daughters somehow ended up with someone who used her like you are being mistreated, despite her having every advantage in life.

Your daughter deserves better, so do you.

But it starts with you.

Great that work can support you.
Reach out to friends too.

Feel no embarrassment nor shame.

You want help so this isn't your daughters future.

It is that simple.

It's so hard to break the cycle but it can be done. The sooner you leave the better chance your son has of being shown that you are the better parent so he knows to model that himself. When he's older it may be worth steering him towards some professional therapy anyway so he can talk about any of his dad's behaviour he has seen.

Wow - you give consequences to your son and your husband then gives consequences to you by not paying money for bills 😳

What sector does he work in? Surely he can go into the office on days the cleaner is in?

Your DH is raising your DS to be as entitled and lazy as him, you dare to give him consequences for not doing chores and your DH turns on you, he thinks as a male his DS is exempt from all women's work. Every thing that would make your life a bit easier he has an excuse why it can't happen, can't have a cleaner, can't drive you to work,can't do anything himself It's a shame it's taken you so long to see all this Op because your DS is now as set in his ways as your DH.
I'm afraid your DH is used to you doing everything and you working more hours makes no difference to him, he doesn't want you independant, he wants you at home doing as you're told , he even threatens to punish you as if you're a child.
I'd start keeping your money as a leaving fund Op but don't tell him yet, he won't like the domestic staff going on strike

If you live in the house , you help maintain it. Regardless of who works more etc.

I so hope the OP is in a better place.

Away from her awfully abusive husband.