Fed up of lazy entitled husband

[Fedupandtiredmum]

Just as the title says.

I really feel like I'm going to run myself into the ground and have a breakdown or end up really unwell. I've got a constant sore throat, constant head ache and I'm always tired and snappy.

Me and my husband have been together around 19 years. When we met we were both in college so we were 17 and 18. He ended up doing an apprenticeship and then got the job he's in now and has worked his way up the ranks. I went to uni, had our first child straight out of uni. Unplanned but due to how long we had been together we knew we could make it work. As a result I've never used my degree and have worked jobs around the family. At first I worked 12 hours at a weekend whilst he worked full time in the week so someone was always at home with our child. I did all the housework at this time as it was only fair as I was home during the week.

Then when DC1 started school I changed job and worked 18 hours a week, a mix of days and a weekend day. Again, I did all of the housework as I was only part time, other than the dishes, bins and cat tray which DH did (and still does) plus he dropped DC1 off at granny's house 2 mornings a week so she could take DC to school as our start times didn't allow us do to this.

I was quite happy with this set up the bulk of the time. We had another child whilst in this situation who slotted in so well.

Then the pandemic hit and I needed to change jobs as my role became impossible to do with two young kids, the start times and finish times as well as teaching at home. Plus they couldn't promise my role would go back to how it was after covid finished.

I have now been in my job for almost 2 years. I do 25 hours a week one week over 2 and a half days. The long days are 11 hours, 10 hours and then a 5 hour day. I get an unpaid lunch break on the long days. The second week I do 30 hours a week over 3 long days. I start at 8am and there are no busses from where we live at this time. So I have to walk 45 to 50 mins to the nearest bus then there is a 25-30 min bus ride to my work location. So I'm leaving my home at 6.20 in the morning. I'm not able to drive at the moment due to a health condition, haven't been able to for some time. DH works 36 hours a week from home and the kids are 8 and 15.

I don’t have time for in housework on my work days so I do it all on my days off. Our house isn't a tiny house either, I have a downstairs toilet room, an upstairs family bathroom and 2 en suits to clean. Then the kitchen. Then the dining room. Then the study. Then the 3 bedrooms plus changing 2 double beds and a single. All the hovering, mopping tiled floors and dusting. The meal planning, the food shopping. I chop and prep all the evening meals the night before and store it in the fridge and load the slow cooker before work. I make the lunches the night before. I have to do all the washing, drying and ironing. Im also the one who deals with the general admin, such as knowing when prescriptions are due, opticians, when the cat needs the vets, who has what school trips etc on what days, who needs more clothes / shoes and sorting that out. I'm often not in bed before 11pm at night. Then my alarm goes at 5am and it starts all again.

This is where it is starting to really frustrate and piss me off. DH is still maintaining that I'm not full time and should be doing the bulk of the house work. He feels the dishes, bins, cat tray and taking kids to school is enough. Especially as he brings home 4 x my salary which allows us to have a nice lifestyle (holiday abroad each year, detached house. Not excessive my any means.

I've tried to explain this was fine when I was on 12 hours and then 18 hours a week but not when I'm on 25-30 hours. Yes I know it's not full time but with the commute and the wake up times etc it's pretty damn close. I've asked and asked, begged, pleaded for more help. He does for about a week and then it slips back. The kids don't help and DH says as they are kids they shouldn't have to.

Everyone is saying they are excited for another bank holiday weekend. I'm just thinking how am I going to get everything done and get some adequate rest.

I am almost at breaking point and I just don't know what to do anymore.

I found a lot of your post very familiar. I was a SAHM for 3 years years ago and have gradually upped my hours over the years to full time. Each time I upped them he didn’t up the amount he did in the house but I think it’s just because he just didn’t know how to change his “routine” of leaving things to me. He also said we couldn’t get a cleaner, for similar reasons.

You need to make a serious point as you can’t go on like that. Seriously, just stop doing some of the stuff. Don’t do his laundry and definitely don’t do his ironing if you do that. tell him that if he won’t do any of the shared chores then at least he can just do his own, as that will mean a reduction in your burden as a whole. Don’t factor him into dinner or lunch plans or even asking him what he wants adding to the shopping list if you’re going shopping. if he complains tell him that you’re following his wishes that you do stuff for the kids. But that the overall burden is too much for you now so you have to reduce it by any way you can.

Simply leave some of the chores if you’re too tired to fit them in. He will then start noticing when you don’t do them and rooms look a bit untidy or he can’t find something.

just go to bed at an earlier hour if you need to be awake very early. If that means he has to get the oldest kids to bed then so be it. Just announce that you’re exhausted and need an early a few nights a week.

go away for a few days with friends or family, just you, so that he has to take care of everything at home. Preferably during school days so that he has to get uniform sorted and make sure everyone has got everything and gets to school on time etc

You need to bring this to a head, to get him to notice how much you do.

My DH does all the cooking now. And usually cleans up afterwards too. He does more hoovering, not too thoroughly but he does it. I’ve let my standards drop hugely because I am just so tired from working so we do live in a bit of a mess a lot of the time as his standards are lower than mine (unless we have people coming round and then he sees the mess 🙄) But he does much more than he used to and I’m a bit more of a slattern! 😆

When I upped my working hours Dh unilaterally organised a team of cleaners. What the fuck is wrong with him? Are you his maid?

So just do it all for you and the kids. Leave him out of it. Actually instead i’d I’d book a cleaner for the days you are at home, ignore what he says about work, you can supervise where the cleaner goes then. If he’s that bothered he could leave the sensitive work till the cleaner has gone or just lock himself away in the study with the door shut and the cleaner can be asked to stay away from the vicinity. While the cleaner does the bathrooms and kitchen you can do other bits of tidying or ironing or something. You can specify what you want the cleaner to do. It will just ease the overall burden hugely so you can have more rest/downtime.

My friend's 2 year old DS does more than your husband and children do. They all need to step up and you will have to stop being the servant in your household. How sad

Go on strike. 8yr olds can help unload reload dishwasher. Teenager no excuse. Their dad is an asshole Go away to a hotel for a weekend. They will treat you like a doormat if you let them.

Do you need to work? Tell him you're gonna quit your job unless he helps and see how he takes that. He could defo run you to the bus stop as a minimum.

The audacity of these men saying they won’t allow cleaners but expect their wife to do it all! Mind boggling. A friends Dh is like this and all the women locally hate him
for it

All children should do chores otherwise they could end up like your dh.
It gives them confidence, self esteem and a 'can do' attitude.

Something has to give. You can reduce your hours, get significant cleaning help paid for by him or drop the rope and do less and learn not to care about the chaos and complaints. Act more like him, he doesn't care...why should you?

In theory no I don't need to. His income alone is just short of 55k before any deductions but be honest I want to work. I want the security incase it does go tits up and also want to qualify for both my state pension and my works pension is fairly generous. My family growing up were on the bones of their arse at times and I'd hate that for my family if I ended up on my own.

Sounds like my life op but I am a single parent so am not let down by someone else not pulling their weight (which I used to be) and it’s somehow less stressful knowing I have to do everything because there is no-one else.
I suggest a serious talk with him but with a consequence if things don’t change. No point in empty threats as he will just continue doing as he has always done, and as a result, so will you.

The 15 year old can do so much more. How come he treats the home like a hotel? Maybe because his own father does.

If it was me, I'd stop doing certain jobs and let the chores build up. Dinners can be make your own sandwiches for a while.

The husband needs a massive shake.

Um, you are not his unpaid servant so he either has a cleaner or he gets off his lazy arse

When he goes out with his friends does he coordinate it with you so can check you aren't going out etc ?

I would start getting a life of your own too outside of the family, go out with friends.

I'd stop mopping floors and stop doing all the things that didn't really need doing to be done, your kids (especially the older one) can change their own beds. As another poster said how dare he say no to a cleaner but just expect you to keep doing it. You are not his maid.

My house isn't filthy but why the hell should I have to clean and my husband just sits in his arse. We both will sit on our arse ! Let your standards slip a bit and if he complains let him crack on.

Seeing as he's going out later he can take the kids to the sporting clubs, why should it be you. Tell him dont just let him assume its going to be you.

Nothing is ever going to change unless you make it as he sounds like a very selfish person.

Life is SO short, don't do all this, bet they don't appreciate any of it. Take you hard earned money and go have a good time and let them cope.

The only way I changed (some of) that behaviour with DH is to drop him at the deep end.

In practice, that means doing what he is doing to you: telling him what’s going to happen and make it happen. No discussion, no way out. My way or the highway.
Sounds crap because it is. That’s not what a marriage should be imo but that’s the only way I found that forced DH to do one of those annoying activities (Aka being a responsible parent and husband) and realise how crap it is to do it day in day out. It also made those tasks HIS and they’ve stayed that way.
Now DH can be a pain blablabla but he is good enough to realise when things can be crap. It’s not full on laziness and entitlement. More of a ‘how much can I get away with’ so there is hope for change. I’m not sure how your DH would be….

Definitely get a cleaner. If he earns that much then There's no reason not to. Just tell the cleaner not to go into his office and leave that for him. That's what I do. I have a cleaner who's here when I'm working and I have a high level of security clearance. Headphones and post phoning anything really significant are the answer!

Btw I disagree with all the advice around ‘let your 15yo do X etc…’.

That won’t change the issues you have - a DH that doesn’t give a shit and is happy to see you run yourself down whilst he is having fun.

Ive also learnt that saying it’s too much doesn’t have any effect. If it is too much, you need to act like it is too much.
And if it is too much, people stop doing those things. The cleaning, the food shopping, whatever else it is. They go back to the very basics and leave the rest, even if it’s annoying them, house looks a mess etc…
Then when the inevitable question comes ‘this house is a mess. What are you doing?’. The answer is loud and clear - I’m exhausted and I can’t do it anymore.

Chart up of who has the most leisure time after work and commute.

Then colour in the time helping the 8 year old get ready for school.

Then allocate your time on yours day off to match his working and commute hours then ask why he thinks you should do more than him?

Ridiculous that the 15 year old needs help to get ready for school and cant change their own bedding and clean their own en-suite.

Can you get a taxi to work/train station?

You’ve written a list there of all the things you do. Now add how long they all take, and multiply that by the average hourly wage for a cleaner in your area.

Then shove it under his nose.

Also, stop asking, begging, and pleading. Tell them. All of them. If he insists that you’re in charge of all this crap then he doesn’t get to be pissy when you decide to delegate it. After all, you’re in charge of it all so can make the decisions about how it gets done and who does it. And he can take his objection to having a cleaner and shove it up his arse.

15 year old room is their responsibility- if they want clean bed sheets they need to learn! In 3 years they will be at uni so responsible for that themselves!!
Get the 8 year old in training as well - I used to say if you strip the bed I’ll make it. Get them to start putting stuff away.

I work - if my husband doesn’t help or do his fair share - that’s fine. I only do mine & the children’s washing, I work to my timetable with dinner etc If they only thinking of themselves then so will I (obvs including children)

My husband earns a lot more than me - he pays for a cleaner. Neither off wants to spend the weekends doing boring jobs but it was only by me stopping picking up the slack the he picked up the slack.

You are parents don’t teach your children that it’s women’s work :) teach them to be responsible for themselves but also as a family you all work together.

Ask him who’s going to make his dinner if you get divorced?

I'd be telling him you are getting a cleaner. He can close a bloody door, if he's so concerned and if it was that bloody top secret working from home wouldn't be an option! As he thinks the housework is yours to deal with then deal with it how you choose. Honestly just do it, if he bitches ask him if he hates you that much that he'd rather you have a nervous breakdown than have a cleaner. He can bog off to the office once a week. Don't ask just do!

I think you should get a weekly cleaner and your husband should pay for it. Ask them not to clean his office (he can do that himself). It will be nice for you to be able to come home to the house being nice.

Then look at what free time each of you have and whether he should be helping with the washing etc.

You should also make sure you go out without him or your kids to have fun or relax like he does.

I would also get a cleaner. Get your kids on board with helping. The 15 year old can do his room and laundry, the 8 year old can help keep things tidy, do dishes etc. (I’m about to get my 8 and 11 years olds to do their own laundry as I’m sick of them putting jeans and jumpers in the wash after a couple of hours wear) if you kids get pocket money I would use chores as a prerequisite for getting paid. How much time to you get to socialise? DH is getting plenty and it’s time you have some time too. None of this will help with your resentment however. All this behaviour would really erode my love for my DH.

You have all been so lovely thank you. I definitely need to implement a change. I'm exhausted and I can feel my mental health slipping too.

Even if he did things like a load of laundry whilst I was at work it would help. Or organised the food shop to be delivered.

My eldest is doing exams right now so I'm not going to put pressure on them but once they are done he needs to pull his finger out.

The youngest kind of keeps her room tidy which is useful as I can get in and clean it.

I'm doing some research later to see how much a cleaner would cost in our area