Fed up of lazy entitled husband

[Fedupandtiredmum]

Just as the title says.

I really feel like I'm going to run myself into the ground and have a breakdown or end up really unwell. I've got a constant sore throat, constant head ache and I'm always tired and snappy.

Me and my husband have been together around 19 years. When we met we were both in college so we were 17 and 18. He ended up doing an apprenticeship and then got the job he's in now and has worked his way up the ranks. I went to uni, had our first child straight out of uni. Unplanned but due to how long we had been together we knew we could make it work. As a result I've never used my degree and have worked jobs around the family. At first I worked 12 hours at a weekend whilst he worked full time in the week so someone was always at home with our child. I did all the housework at this time as it was only fair as I was home during the week.

Then when DC1 started school I changed job and worked 18 hours a week, a mix of days and a weekend day. Again, I did all of the housework as I was only part time, other than the dishes, bins and cat tray which DH did (and still does) plus he dropped DC1 off at granny's house 2 mornings a week so she could take DC to school as our start times didn't allow us do to this.

I was quite happy with this set up the bulk of the time. We had another child whilst in this situation who slotted in so well.

Then the pandemic hit and I needed to change jobs as my role became impossible to do with two young kids, the start times and finish times as well as teaching at home. Plus they couldn't promise my role would go back to how it was after covid finished.

I have now been in my job for almost 2 years. I do 25 hours a week one week over 2 and a half days. The long days are 11 hours, 10 hours and then a 5 hour day. I get an unpaid lunch break on the long days. The second week I do 30 hours a week over 3 long days. I start at 8am and there are no busses from where we live at this time. So I have to walk 45 to 50 mins to the nearest bus then there is a 25-30 min bus ride to my work location. So I'm leaving my home at 6.20 in the morning. I'm not able to drive at the moment due to a health condition, haven't been able to for some time. DH works 36 hours a week from home and the kids are 8 and 15.

I don’t have time for in housework on my work days so I do it all on my days off. Our house isn't a tiny house either, I have a downstairs toilet room, an upstairs family bathroom and 2 en suits to clean. Then the kitchen. Then the dining room. Then the study. Then the 3 bedrooms plus changing 2 double beds and a single. All the hovering, mopping tiled floors and dusting. The meal planning, the food shopping. I chop and prep all the evening meals the night before and store it in the fridge and load the slow cooker before work. I make the lunches the night before. I have to do all the washing, drying and ironing. Im also the one who deals with the general admin, such as knowing when prescriptions are due, opticians, when the cat needs the vets, who has what school trips etc on what days, who needs more clothes / shoes and sorting that out. I'm often not in bed before 11pm at night. Then my alarm goes at 5am and it starts all again.

This is where it is starting to really frustrate and piss me off. DH is still maintaining that I'm not full time and should be doing the bulk of the house work. He feels the dishes, bins, cat tray and taking kids to school is enough. Especially as he brings home 4 x my salary which allows us to have a nice lifestyle (holiday abroad each year, detached house. Not excessive my any means.

I've tried to explain this was fine when I was on 12 hours and then 18 hours a week but not when I'm on 25-30 hours. Yes I know it's not full time but with the commute and the wake up times etc it's pretty damn close. I've asked and asked, begged, pleaded for more help. He does for about a week and then it slips back. The kids don't help and DH says as they are kids they shouldn't have to.

Everyone is saying they are excited for another bank holiday weekend. I'm just thinking how am I going to get everything done and get some adequate rest.

I am almost at breaking point and I just don't know what to do anymore.

This is really not right. But it sounds like it's going to be really difficult to get your h to see that. What do you think your options are?

I think personally you should offload whole jobs. He should do all the washing and laundry. It's easy to do around working from home. And the cooking when you're doing your long days. Including thinking of the meal.

But your problem isn't that side of it, your problem is that he won't, I guess. I bet he says you're a nag.

Your h is completely ridiculous and selfish. You should have equal leisure time. When he is not working, you should share house and kids tasks equally.

No wonder you're knackered.

Can you drive op? Or learn to?
Seems pointless there being a car stuck outside your house all day that you could be using to get to work.

Seems like your DH give zero fucks about you at all. No respect.
He's the king of castle and you are just the maid. He doesn't see all the things you do, or your time as important.

What would he do if you divorced him, got yourself a nice smaller property and he had the kids on his own half the week?
Bet he'd pay a cleaner then.

Delegate the food shopping, meal planning and cooking to him. Seriously tell him you are burnt out and can't cope anymore and if he doesn't do it then it will be take away for every meal time.

Sit back and let him crack on.

Haven’t read the full thread but your DH sounds like a twat. Do you still love him?? No mention of this in your post. Your cleaning standard’s are v high- drop the bar or get a cleaner. Your kids can be doing some things around the house. Your DH is setting a shit example to your kids of what a dad/man is… I’m not saying he should also run himself into the ground but he could easily be more of a partner to you and at least see you as his equal!! Him not wanting a cleaner because he doesn’t want someone in the house is absolutely bat shit mad and he is saying that despite how you feel!! That’s outrageous and shows zero care for you. Honestly I would probably consider what situation you might be in if you separated and see how that looks… and then I would set some new house rules for everyone and ensure they get stuck to. Then I’d see if I still loved him… good luck xox

Also earning £55k for working ft does not make him the big I am, which is I suspect what he feels and how you are treating him.

I earn around that for 30 hrs per week, but still do all cleaning and about 50/50 on grocery shopping and cooking. It's hardly a Masters of the Universe salary.

This is not to denigrate anyone's salaries by the way, I just suspect both you and he have got into this "revered main breadwinner " mindset.

What a selfish loser you are with.

He couldn't care less about you.

You are killing yourself for a dead marriage.

No man that loved you would treat you that way.

Walking 45 minutes, because he can't be arsed.

You poor poor woman.

I hope you help yourself but I more than that I hope you realise you are wasting your life married to someone so selfish.

Also can you go full time?? Learn to drive? I would do that and I’d get a cleaner; ignore whatever he says. Truth is he doesn’t see you as equal to him. He’s hiding behind the you’re only part time excuse so make your life easier at work by upping your hours to a normal routine not crammed days; and then he’s not got that excuse. Id be v conscious that your kids are seeing this dynamic and how their dad gets to behave as the man of the house whilst you kill yourself, and it’s not a healthy one…

Exactly rookie he’s hardly Bill Gates is he? How dare he treat his wife like his maid you’re both adults you both work it’s 50/50 or outsource - anything else is unfair and ridiculous

If your teen is a boy, remember that this dynamic is teaching them that cleaning is women's work.

A dangerous precedent setting them up to be a lazy, entitled partner as an adult.

Likewise, your youngest is learning that as a female, she 'should' do the majority of cleaning and other chores because it's women's work.

Even if you tell them both this isn't true, action speaks louder than words. Wouldn't you hate them to replicate this dynamic as adults themselves in relationships?

To see them continue this cycle like your husband has after watching his mother do everything despite her working full time?

Let that fuel you.

For those who mentioned the driving, I can drive but was diagnosed with a health condition that means I can't drive at the moment. I'm not safe on the roads so it's a case of waiting to see if I am well enough for long enough to be able to drive. I did think about getting a bike though as I'm able to ride that.

I don't want to set the precedent for women's work vs men's work but it's already there a bit, at least with my eldest. He doesn't do anything yet asks me to do it and kicks off if I say no.

A lot of it I think is "put up and shut up" for a quiet life. The arguments that happen are not worth it.

However I do need to change. Lower my standards.

His salary is quite high for the area we live and definitely earns more than most here. But whoever said that if his job was that secret he wouldn't be able to do it from home is absolutely right.

I can't do my job from home due to major privacy and confidentiality issues / safe guarding issues etc and sadly the only work pattern they can offer me to do my hours are the ones I do at the moment.

I think you are right. I've said for a while I don't think he loves me and if I challenge him he just says "of course I do" and that's the subject done.

It would break my heart to leave him. He's my first and only love (other than our children of course) and cant even imagine navigating life as a single mother. The thought petrifies me.

But I guess my children need to learn their worth and how people should be treated

I don't want to set the precedent for women's work vs men's work but it's already there a bit, at least with my eldest. He doesn't do anything yet asks me to do it and kicks off if I say no.

What consequences are in place when he behaves this way?

He's potentially already a mini sexist. Your daughter is learning the same lessons as him.

Please do try to let that fuel you to make changes, you'll be so sad when they're older if you have to watch them replicating the dynamic they're currently being shown.

I've tried things like removing his Xbox etc but then get told by my husband he will stop putting the extra money in my account towards bills I struggle with so it's a no win situation.

I'm being financially abused here. Just writing that out was like a lightbulb going on. And emotionally too, as he doesn't seem to care at all for my well-being.

He wasn't always like this. It's just been a decline I guess over the years as the juggling of adult life gets in the way

If your salary is a quarter or less of his then it's shockingly low and wouldn't be much of a safety cushion if you did end up splitting up. Is there any chance you could work rewards a better remunerated/better qualified career? Any chance of building on your uni degree, even now, maybe by getting additional qualifications in? Better than doing a dead-end job for peanuts, and would also give you a good excuse to need more time to yourself.

I've tried things like removing his Xbox etc but then get told by my husband he will stop putting the extra money in my account towards bills I struggle with so it's a no win situation.

I'm being financially abused here. Just writing that out was like a lightbulb going on. And emotionally too, as he doesn't seem to care at all for my well-being.

You really are. He sounds awful. I wonder if it's worth speaking to women's aid as I have a horrible feeling that once the scales fall from your eyes a bit more you're going to realise he's more abusive than you have already worked out.

It sounds like he sees you and the children as his to manage, rather than individuals in your own right.

I dread to think of his attitude towards sex, I assume it's pretty entitled and selfish.

Have you confided in any friends about his behaviour?

I'm glad writing this out has helped clarify that his behaviour is unacceptable. What are you going to do about it?

As a ball park calculation, I always think the hours counted should be work plus commute. If you work 27.5 hours on average plus 9 hours commute a week that's 36 hours. If he doesn't want to do his part of the housework that comes out of his disposable income (which should be equal to yours). He doesn't get to decide that you have to do everything.

Absolutely a spouse working far shorter hours so the other can push their career should take on more of the housework and childcare. That's their contribution to the partnership, and should be valued the same way as a big career because they both enable the family to have a lifestyle they chose together. He doesn't have a big job though, he has an attitude problem.

You're presumably only mid 30s. Do you want to spend the next 50 years living like this?

@monsteramunch to be honest we don't have sex much. He's refused vasectomy and another pregnancy could potentially be life threatening to me and I don't want to risk it.

Eclampsia, HELLP syndrome and pre term births both times plus post partum haemorages too.

I'm not overly bothered now as I don't want to sleep with a selfish pig. He needs to sort his attitude out

Please call Womens aid for advice.

Your husbsnd is abusing you financially and emotionally.

Your son is learning likewise.

You need advice.

You need to start planning.

Get advice to help you.

I am so sorry that life is so hard.

Your daughter needs her mother.

You need to start minding yourself.

Start with a GP appointment.

You've been through so much for your family and instead of being proud of you, he's treating you like shit and teaching his son to do the same instilling a contempt for women and mothers in him.

Is there anyone in your life you trust who you can confide in?

Luckily where I work I can access help and support in this situation. So I am going to look at the protocol when I am next in work.

But if I could fix this I would like to do so. Coming from a broken family myself was so very hard

OP. The family you have described is already broken. It isn't a unit or a team. Its a group of individuals living together and one is incredibly selfish and unkind and the other is headed that way unless something stops.

Revising for gcses is no reason to not vacuum their own room 5 mins a week and strip and remake their own bed-10 mins. The longer you leave it the harder it will be.

You are already doing it on your own and are unsupported. It might actually be easier not dragging a giant dead weight round with you.

Sounds dreadful one woman skivvying round two men.

You need to reassess your definition of broken family though OP.

Its traditionally meant a family where the parents are no longer together. It's an outdated term that only serves to keep women unhappy and unhealthy situations.

Your family unit is broken as it is. Because one adult member of the family doesn't respect the other. Doesn't care for her. Doesn't lift her up. And shows contempt for her. And is teaching a young male member of the family that his right as a male is to have women serve him. And teaching a young female member of the family that her responsibility as a female is to serve men and facilitate them not stepping up when it comes to chores and life admin.

That is far more broken than them witnessing a mother knowing her worth and instilling respect and equality in them by refusing to exist only to make other people's lives easier, even at the sake of her own wellness.

Wholeheartedly agree with what monsteramunch said there