Please give DH advice

[DueyCheatemAndHow]

I'm going to try and keep this as brief as possible...

FIL left when DH was 6. In and out of his life. Alcoholic. Still DH remained loyal,always called his stepfather by his first name (not dad). Relationship got steadier as DH got into adulthood and he asked his dad to be his best man.

Since then FIL has had a disastrous failed marriage, lost his license to drink driving. Moved in with his parents. Parents (DH's grandparents) both became ill and FIL was their carer til they died

FIL then sent DH a photo of his great great grandfather who is the spit of DH.

FIL then went awol. Then started sending nasty abusive messages to DH. Sent our children Xmas presents as 'last contact', carried on being nasty. DH totally measured and calm, asked for no more gifts or we'd rturn then. He sent more, we returned them.

Then he started asking for the photo back, threatening to come round for it. DH didn't reply (hasn't replied to 95% of his messages as they are so unpleasant). Fil then apologised for everything, DH said it was ok but he needed to get help. Then he heard nothing.

No contact now for nearly 2 years. Now the emails have started again wanting the photo, totally weird one liner emails, really unhinged sounding.

Would u just give it back? He's genuinely torn.

Copy it and give it back.

Is that giving into a bully? Or just making life more pleasant?

Its very easy and cheap to copy photographs now. Copy it and send the original back.

what price are you paying now? For the sake of a couple of ££ copy it and send it back.

Price if your peace and sanity is too high. If that’s all he’s after give it back and close the door.

Thanks. I think we both felt that we didn't want to engage with his ridiculousness and if it wasn't the photo it would be something else- e.g. suddenly saying he wants Xmas presents back or something?

He sounds vile but I suppose it is his photo at the end of the day. Just copy it as others have said.

Well he gave it to DH and then changed his mind

'Are you going to send it, prick?' Was his last message. The one before was 'you've nothing to do with my family, you toffee nosed cunt'

DH is a barrister. He's everything that should make a father head over heels with pride. It breaks my heart.

I understand your sentiment, but in a way you are playing into his hands by not taking a simple step to solve the issue (copying the picture).

You're giving him the opportunity to continue having leverage over a picture.

Just stop playing the game.

It's not giving in to bullying, it's taking the initiative to solve a problem and I think that how you both need to reframe the issue.

That's helpful, thanks. Yes we need to find a way of feeling OK about sending it back when it's been a) a long time and b) asked for in such a horrible, horrible way.

So what do we do if he then says 'I want all the Xmas presents I've every given to you' back?

I understand it's hard when someone has been so nasty, but ultimately copying the photo is about doing what is best for your family.

It's not about him really.

He gets back a picture you have a copy of.

What's he won here and what have you lost?

You still have a lovely family unit and a nice picture whilst he has just added to the myriad of reasons why he's cut off from his son and will never have relationship with grandchildren - he's lost everything meaningful but sure, that picture is going to be life changing not.

Well I wouldn't assume he will for a start.

Stressing over "ifs" is a waste of time in my experience.

Hypothetically though if he does ask for the children's gifts back I think "Fuck off Grandpa" would be an apt response 😀.

Absolutely agree with others. Take a copy and send the photo back. Ignore all further forms of contact. Block him on everything and call police if he continues. Ultimately you have to decide if it's worth it for some peace and quiet.

Tell him they were donated to charity after the children had finished with them.

It really is that simple. If you don't want anything to do with him then just return everything he asks for, or say its gone to charity. Dont get into a war of words as its just not worth the aggro.

Highly unlikely he'd ask for the presents back. An original photo of your grandad is a bit different! But just scan or copy it, send it back and never engage with him again.

Take a copy and send it to him with a note stating no more contact. Then block him on everything.

Get a good copy made, send him the copy. He sounds like he wouldn't be able to tell the difference.
Why doesn't your DH block him? It doesn't sounds like he's adding anything positive to his life.

Why have you not thought to make a copy and send the original back ?

Send it back after taking a copy then block him on everything.
Your DH also needs to take time to grieve too. It’s hard when your parent does not behave as a parent. I can tell it’s hard for you too 💐

Your DH needs to go to AlAnon (for families of alcoholics).

A therapist would be a good idea too.

I’ve seen a phrase used by Mumsnetters before it’s:
Drop the rope

It is as easy as that. Get a good copy made, send the original back then block him from everything.

Take a step back from the hurt and the trauma being caused with every message from DH’s dad. It’s not a battle to be won and you’re not giving in to a bully. You, your poor DH and your DC’s want and need this to end, so end it. Choose to disengage.

He obviously views gifts to your family as ropes which bind you to him. Cut them. The original photo is tainted, the copy may well be clearer anyway and will be something you have helped create. Frame it beautifully and display it with pride.

By the by, to get pretty much identical feedback from MN posters doesn’t happen often, It’s good advice. Drop the rope! 💐

Just get a copy made, send it back. Inform him further contact will be deemed harassment and legal action will be taken/police. Block on all channels. Refuse to engage with again.

it sounds like he either has severe substance abuse issue or mental health issues. Either way for you families sake isn’t it time DH drew a line in the sand?

What would your barrister husband tell a client to do?
Keep the photo and excite a continuous circle of upsetting abuse?
Take a copy and give the photo back to hopefully end further contact?

As everyone else said, take a copy of the photo, send the original back, "here is your photo returned as requested. Please do not contact any of my family again".

If he asks for "gifts" back, say "they were gifts. As such there is nothing to return. Please don't contact us again."

If he continues to send abuse, warn him of legal consequences for the continued abuse.

I'd send the photo back after making a copy and then block him on everything you can. The photo is one thing, presents back is a whole different kettle of fish.