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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please give DH advice

79 replies

DueyCheatemAndHow · 06/05/2023 00:03

I'm going to try and keep this as brief as possible...

FIL left when DH was 6. In and out of his life. Alcoholic. Still DH remained loyal,always called his stepfather by his first name (not dad). Relationship got steadier as DH got into adulthood and he asked his dad to be his best man.

Since then FIL has had a disastrous failed marriage, lost his license to drink driving. Moved in with his parents. Parents (DH's grandparents) both became ill and FIL was their carer til they died

FIL then sent DH a photo of his great great grandfather who is the spit of DH.

FIL then went awol. Then started sending nasty abusive messages to DH. Sent our children Xmas presents as 'last contact', carried on being nasty. DH totally measured and calm, asked for no more gifts or we'd rturn then. He sent more, we returned them.

Then he started asking for the photo back, threatening to come round for it. DH didn't reply (hasn't replied to 95% of his messages as they are so unpleasant). Fil then apologised for everything, DH said it was ok but he needed to get help. Then he heard nothing.

No contact now for nearly 2 years. Now the emails have started again wanting the photo, totally weird one liner emails, really unhinged sounding.

Would u just give it back? He's genuinely torn.

OP posts:
Hillrunning · 06/05/2023 05:45

I would also send the photo back having made a copy or two. But I wouldn't include a statement about asking him not to contact again or saying you will get police involvement. It jsut give him another hook. Something to pick on. Simply post back the photo, nothing else. Then block him on all tech and don't engage. Then get you husband to therapy. He must be finding this so very sad. He put faith in his dad by slowing building up a relationship and his dad and totally let him down.

loislovesstewie · 06/05/2023 06:15

Copy the photo, send original back and block FIL. He doesn't deserve to know your DH.Your FIL isn't a father, he's an abusive so-and-so. Give your DH a hug and move on. Give him a hug from me too ,if you like. I'm thinking of my own dear dad as I write. He was the sweetest man. He would have told your DH what I am saying.

greenspaces4peace · 06/05/2023 06:24

Due to the long-standing alcohol abuse he probably has some brain damage.
yes copy the photo

THisbackwithavengeance · 06/05/2023 06:59

Send the photo back. I wouldn't even bother copying it myself but I'm not sentimental but as has been pointed out, coping the photo is easy.

Ignore the abusive texts. Your FIL sounds unwell. I don't like the idea of 'blocking' possibly elderly, ill or vulnerable relatives. It's his dad when all said and done.

You said your DH is a barrister. Barristers are highly intelligent, robust characters who know the law inside out and are well used to tearing into people and standing up for themselves. I'm honestly surprised you think your DH needs our advice. Grin

DryIce · 06/05/2023 07:29

Its always different when it's your own family though!

Agree copy the photo if you want it, and have an end to it. After a lifetime's alcohol abuse he probably isn't the man he was.

Your poor DH, though, he sounds lovely. He doesn't deserve this treatment

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 06/05/2023 08:14

DueyCheatemAndHow · 06/05/2023 00:31

Well he gave it to DH and then changed his mind

'Are you going to send it, prick?' Was his last message. The one before was 'you've nothing to do with my family, you toffee nosed cunt'

DH is a barrister. He's everything that should make a father head over heels with pride. It breaks my heart.

What a horrible man. Jesus.

Talking like that, unprompted, to your own son. No. Just evil.

Take a copy, send the photo to a neutral location, never ever speak to him again. Block on all platforms.

Original poster
DueyCheatemAndHow · 06/05/2023 09:24

DH deals with insurance. No one is 'torn apart'.

OP posts:
CannotDoThisAnymore · 06/05/2023 09:38

Take a photo of the photo and return it. Then block him on all devices and email. Very sad life he leads

Original poster
DueyCheatemAndHow · 06/05/2023 09:40

I'm so glad I posted, I honestly didn't think it was this obvious but clearly it is. I feel awful because I advised him not to (and MIL - who is her own thread - agreed). He's very grateful and says that makes sense. He needs to check we know the address to send it to but he will get it off next week.

OP posts:
Pyaar · 06/05/2023 09:46

To echo another poster, AlAnon, for families of alcoholics might be useful for DH.

Original poster
DueyCheatemAndHow · 06/05/2023 09:47

Thanks. He's having therapy but I'll pass it on

OP posts:
5128gap · 06/05/2023 09:48

No I wouldn't give it back as that requires acknowledgement and contact and there is no way I'd be opening that door again.
His father doesn't really want it, does he? Its just an ill man's obsession and a way back in to your DHs life.
For your DHs wellbeing and the ripple effect on you and your children, he should ignore.

Original poster
DueyCheatemAndHow · 06/05/2023 09:49

Just when I thought it was unanimous!

That's how we've thought for 2 years. I said if u engage it proves to him he gets a response.

God I hate him

OP posts:
5128gap · 06/05/2023 09:57

DueyCheatemAndHow · 06/05/2023 09:49

Just when I thought it was unanimous!

That's how we've thought for 2 years. I said if u engage it proves to him he gets a response.

God I hate him

I'm sorry! Having some experience of this sort of behaviour, the photo is just an excuse to get attention and acknowledgement from your DH. If you send it, every chance he'll email again to say he didn't get it or some such.
The man can't sustain a relationship with his living family members, so I'm sure a photograph of long dead ones can't carry so much meaning It's worth reopening contact with him for.

BitOutOfPractice · 06/05/2023 10:05

but your current tactic hasn’t worked has it? You’re still all being subjected to this, two years on.

for the avoidance of any doubt on your FiL’s part I would enclose the photo in a solicitor’s cease and desist letter, informing him that any further contact will be treated as harassment and reported to the police. Then block him. On everything you can.

Aubree17 · 06/05/2023 10:09

DueyCheatemAndHow · 06/05/2023 00:11

Is that giving into a bully? Or just making life more pleasant?

It's FIL's photo.
He sounds like a troubled man and it must be difficult for your DH to deal with.
I would copy it and give it back. You don't need the hassle.

gamerchick · 06/05/2023 10:11

DueyCheatemAndHow · 06/05/2023 00:33

So what do we do if he then says 'I want all the Xmas presents I've every given to you' back?

You give it back, tell him to now stay out of your inbox in future, you don't want anything to do with him.

Then ignore. It ends with the photo.

Original poster
DueyCheatemAndHow · 06/05/2023 10:14

Aubree17 · 06/05/2023 10:09

It's FIL's photo.
He sounds like a troubled man and it must be difficult for your DH to deal with.
I would copy it and give it back. You don't need the hassle.

Show quote history

That's the thing tho. He gave it to DH as a gift. Which is why I'm worried.

But I see what you're all saying - totally - snd we will be sending it back

OP posts:
gamerchick · 06/05/2023 10:19

You ignore any other attention seeking.

Frogger8395 · 06/05/2023 11:32

Why on earth hasn’t he been blocked.

billy1966 · 06/05/2023 11:49

Copy it return it.

Tell him to NEVER contact you again.

You have kept his foul emails and it will be put in the hands of the police if he EVER contacts you again.

And mean it.

billy1966 · 06/05/2023 11:51

Of course block him on everything.

Your husband is a barrister and was unable to deal with this?

Poor man.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 06/05/2023 11:52

He's an ageing, resentful drunk who is obsessing about things he's 'done' and not received what he believes is his entitlement from your DP (and probably everybody else unfortunate enough to have him in their orbit).

At the moment he's fixated upon this photo. Get rid of it and he'll probably move on to some poor bastard at the corner shop, the woman at the local council where the bin men didn't pick up the recycling, etc, etc...

Original poster
DueyCheatemAndHow · 06/05/2023 13:26

Unfortunately he's not that old, he's not 60 yet!

OP posts:
5128gap · 06/05/2023 14:39

DueyCheatemAndHow · 06/05/2023 13:26

Unfortunately he's not that old, he's not 60 yet!

It is for an alcoholic.