Please give DH advice

[DueyCheatemAndHow]

I'm going to try and keep this as brief as possible...

FIL left when DH was 6. In and out of his life. Alcoholic. Still DH remained loyal,always called his stepfather by his first name (not dad). Relationship got steadier as DH got into adulthood and he asked his dad to be his best man.

Since then FIL has had a disastrous failed marriage, lost his license to drink driving. Moved in with his parents. Parents (DH's grandparents) both became ill and FIL was their carer til they died

FIL then sent DH a photo of his great great grandfather who is the spit of DH.

FIL then went awol. Then started sending nasty abusive messages to DH. Sent our children Xmas presents as 'last contact', carried on being nasty. DH totally measured and calm, asked for no more gifts or we'd rturn then. He sent more, we returned them.

Then he started asking for the photo back, threatening to come round for it. DH didn't reply (hasn't replied to 95% of his messages as they are so unpleasant). Fil then apologised for everything, DH said it was ok but he needed to get help. Then he heard nothing.

No contact now for nearly 2 years. Now the emails have started again wanting the photo, totally weird one liner emails, really unhinged sounding.

Would u just give it back? He's genuinely torn.

I can understand why you thought not sending the photo back was the right course of action, @DueyCheatemAndHow , i.e. don't give into bullies etc. But why didn't DH block him?

I would say there's a strong chance the dad will deny this photo has ever arrived. Is there anyone who can physically hand it to him? (Not you or DH, obviously). Failing that, I would post it (don't bother with Signed For), tell him it's been sent and you want no further contact. Then block.

He's a troubled man who seems scrambled in his thoughts.
Asking for the photo back is possibly just a reason to get in touch. What he said was vile.
And I think your probably right that if the photo is returned there will be another reason to get in touch.

Your FIL is a man in the grips of a dire disease: alcoholism. It destroys everything around it - the individual, their sanity, their compassion, their families, and every relationship they hold dear.

I'm not excusing his behaviour, but what he is dealing with is out of his control, and the only way he can change is to ask for help.

In the same way, your DH cannot control his FIL's behaviour, nor should he. The best thing he can do is to cut contact with as little vitriol as possible, continue with his therapy, and perhaps investigate Al-Anon.

I am the daughter of two parents who died as a result of their alcoholism. Both my siblings were raging alcoholics. I myself was in therapy for 30 years. My partner is a recovering alcoholic who stopped drinking before I met him.

"I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it."

Your DH's father, not FIL.

He hadn't blocked him I think out of hope that things might get better. He ignores everything and emails go to spam bur we haven't had anything for nearly 2 years

Not sure how him being a barrister would mean he would be better equipped to deal with abuse? Our question was about returning a photo, not how to block someone. His emails go to spam, he hadn't sent any in 2 years, it has now reared its head again.

His profession really has nothing to deal with how he can cope or deal with this

Your poor DH, this is so sad to hear.

We all need approval from our parents at some level.
My DW was cast off by her mother when she met me. ( we have been together for over 20 years now). DW has achieved so much and it was galling when she met friends of her mother's to hear that her mother was 'so proud' of her when she had refused contact for a long time.
DW has had therapy and is in a much better place now and we are all in contact for family parties and weddings.
I know your husband's situation is far more extreme but I wanted to say that hopefully his therapy will enable him to find some peace.

(His father is a nasty piece of work btw, he doesn't deserve a clever, hardworking son)

"Do fuck off, you drunken old bore. "

I had a father like this - very similar, including the increasingly deranged emails.

I agree with PP - copy the photo and send the original back.

Then block him on everything.

Then pay for therapy. There's no way this hasn't left some emotional scars even if your DH doesn't show it or feel it right now.

DH has no plans on engaging or swearing at his dad

Sorry, have just seen he's already getting therapy which is good and that emails go to spam.

I know it can be difficult to block in this situation so the spam folder is a good compromise. I guess I would just say that if it continues to be frequent communication (the shitty emails continue) it might be worth your DH not reading them frequently but perhaps setting aside a small amount of time every few weeks to read them.

I consider myself extremely emotionally robust and am a senior manager but when those emails used to come through it would feel like a kick in the stomach even though I knew he was bitter, deranged and, in my case, dying.

I couldn't 'not' read them but I found that storing them up and reading in batches was better overall than the paper cuts of reading each one as and when it came through.

I also work in the insurance sector (not in a role that comes into contact with legal teams though) <waves to your DH>

Sadly we can't pick our families or control what happens to them or who they become.

Despite the tone and content of his emails now, it seems clear that he did love your DH to the extent he was capable of it. He isn't capable of it any longer.

My own father had a very harsh childhood and I've been able to reach a level of acceptance now where I can feel rightfully sad and angry about the way he behaved when he was alive and I can acknowledge that he loved me to the extent he was capable of loving anyone while also knowing that this level wasn't good enough.

I can think he was a completely vile human at times and still also feel sorry for the human he was and what he went through in his own life and where it eventually left him.

I don't feel like my father or who he was / how he treated me has anything to do with who I am as a person,

It took some time to get to this place.

I hope your DH has, or can, find the same level of peace.

Thank you so much @wheresmymojo . DH did actually try and block him, once we had decided not to engage and keep the photo, but that's what his email provider seems to do with blocked emails - send them to spam.

DH feels very similar to you, he knows its nothing he's done, but I agree this will have hurt him, undeniably.

Ah is this Outlook (Exchange)-based email? He should be able to set up a rule that deletes all email from a particular address, or perhaps forwards it to another email address that he doesn't have to check regularly and then deletes the original.

It is very annoying that when you click 'Block sender' it interprets that as 'I'll put it in Junk for you'. Like why would you actually want that?? Drives me mad in my work email.

Can DH perhaps change his email address? I know it's a pain but maybe for the best. I'd also definitely send him back the photo and say 'this is the last contact we will have, do not contact me again or I will contact the police'. Sends a clear message and draws a line under it. If he continues then it's clearly harassment.

I would note though that it sounds like he may be suffering from mental illness.

I think he'd be reluctant to change, he's had it all his adult life. DH ie tricky because he says the emails - although not very nice - don't really bother him, but like some of you have pointed out I can't quite see how that's true.

I would return the photo with a legal letter telling him not to contact you again.

Just a quick update
DH parcelled up the photo this morning. There was a note from FIL on the back saying he thought our son would enjoy it. DH covered that up with a post it. He also got DS (4) to address it - not sure of this was a 'fuck you' or DS wanted to help. Probably a bit of both.

Nice, I think that was a good touch from your DH. You sent this to a child, now a child is sending it back to you.

Update again!

DH noticed an email in his spam, it was from his dad. He said thanks for the photo. He was going to frame the envelope. Oh and he had a nice day watching cricket.

What the actual fuck.

Ignore ignore, ignore.

Definitely ignore. He just isn't worth bothering with. I'm sorry it's causing your family pain, but just do your best to not let him exist in your lives.

It's sad when you think all he has to put in a frame is an envelope and a reclaimed picture.

That's why he said it.

But that's the life he made for himself.

It's not the fault of you or your DH.

It's ok to feel sorry for someone without forgetting or forgiving the reasons why you have cut them from your life.

It's done. He has no hold on you now.

You could just reply saying “No, you’re not having it back. It was given as a present, and I am saving it for the next generation. Don’t ask for it again.”

Copy it and send it back. Stop opening and reading his correspondence.