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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner being unreasonable and nasty

61 replies

Cancowswim · 04/05/2023 22:57

I need some advice about my relationship with my partner.
We have both been married before and have kids with our exes.
My eldest (14) doesn’t see their dad and the other two (12,10) stopped for a while due to his behaviour and neglect.
His kids (10,11) come to ours but not regularly.
Eldest hasn’t seen us for 6 months now and the other comes when they please.

My partner is at breaking point over his relationship with his kids (ex is very high conflict and has actively interfered with contact for around a decade) and the fact we now get very little time alone and this is having a negative impact on everything else.
He is currently blaming my kids for the deterioration of our relationship because they are here most of the time.
He has particularly got it in for my eldest because they are a teen and have a bit of the teen attitude to go with it.
In the last couple of weeks he has really changed.
He is moody, miserable, irritable and nasty.
He complains about everything, doesn’t notice when I do/say nice things or am helpful or supportive but also doesn’t do anything himself to sort stuff out. He is a complainer and a procrastinator which is a toxic combination. I am a positive person mostly and like to find solutions, not problems.

At the weekend, he lost his temper because my eldest finished an activity early and had to be collected. This meant I had to leave 30 mins early from our scheduled time together.
He got really angry with me on our way back and then locked us both out of the house.
He said it was the final straw because he doesn’t like her attitude.
He has refused to apologise to her, even though she had done nothing wrong and I’ve told him I don’t agree with him not doing so.
He also treats his own children completely differently - they are allowed to be rude and disrespectful to me with no consequence and can do as they please as he is worried they won’t want to see him if he corrects them. He always makes excuses for their behaviour ‘it’s not surprising to eyre like that when their mum does xxx’ but doesn’t allow my kids the same courtesy, even though my kids’ dad is abusive!

Roll on tonight, he has been out doing his hobby for around 4-5 hours.
In that time I have finished my work (I have a stressful job), sorted out my kids and then decided to do my nails and sit with a glass of wine for a while.
He then got angry because the kitchen wasn’t clean and I didn’t go in straight away to help him do it when he’d had a shower.

He also got angry because my eldest had left shampoo bottles in the shower.
At the weekend, he DUMPED me because of my eldest coming home early (we’ve been together around a decade, own a house together etc).
He has never been like this before and I am at a loss, although he does always seem to dump me when he gets stressed.
He basically says that if I’m
not in his life he has less to deal with because my kids aren’t around either, which is charming.
I think he is depressed but he says the way he feels is down to my kids and the ‘home environment (he means my kids when he says that too) and is expecting me to just ‘take’ all the shit he gives me.
He doesn’t like it when I get angry about stuff - he always says I’m ‘taking it out on him’ when all I’m doing is expressing my anger, not even AT him.
We spoke about couples counselling and I’ve written a list of issues which has made me realise how much resentment is inside me.
He says he is committed to sorting things but his horrible behaviour tells me otherwise. I always thought we had a really great, social relationship but I feel like he is ruining it now.

What should I do? Should I try therapy? Any other ideas?

OP posts:
Groutyonehereagain · 04/05/2023 23:00

What you should do is leave and take your children with you. You owe it to your children to protect them from this horrible man. You also owe it to yourself. You are not to blame. I’m sorry you are going through this. 💐

Jellybean23 · 04/05/2023 23:05

Surely you know what you should do. You must dump him for the sake of your children. Put them first.

BlastedPimples · 04/05/2023 23:06

Christ he's vile. Really.

And your dcs are also subjected to his foul behaviour. You're happy with that?

I think he has crossed the contempt line. And there's no coming back from that.

Preserve your dignity, protect your dcs and just work out a way to leave / dump him.

Original poster
Cancowswim · 04/05/2023 23:07

I suppose I feel like I should do that too but wondered if it was worth trying to sort stuff since he has only started being like this recently. The change is so sudden I thought he was cheating but I checked his phone in the middle of the night and there is nothing.

OP posts:
Grumpusaurus · 04/05/2023 23:07

Get rid of the nasty fecker!

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 04/05/2023 23:20

I don't think he's depressed

I think he's a cunt

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 04/05/2023 23:21

Read your OP back

He has particularly got it in for my eldest

Prioritise your children and get rid of this abusive man. Seriously.

Xrays · 04/05/2023 23:28

Why on earth aren’t you seeing this for what it is??? He’s an abusive arsehole!!

MintJulia · 04/05/2023 23:32

Groutyonehereagain · 04/05/2023 23:00

What you should do is leave and take your children with you. You owe it to your children to protect them from this horrible man. You also owe it to yourself. You are not to blame. I’m sorry you are going through this. 💐

This. Time to separate, for everyone's happiness and well being.

Bluebellsbells · 04/05/2023 23:39

He is taking out his mood and anger towards your children. It must be horrible living in an environment where one person actively dislikes you being there and in a mood.

Your children need stability a loving home more so than others considering their abusive father.

For me it would be a deal breaker, kids come first and you deserve a better partner than that! If he can't cherish you after a decade then he is not worth anymore of your time.

StewPots · 04/05/2023 23:41

You need to get away from this absolute prick asap OP. The damage he’s doing to your DC, the eldest in particular, could have life long devastating effects.

I know it’s easy to say LTB but it’s so much more complex than that. So speak to a solicitor as quick as you can, start gathering things to do with finances / house / childcare etc and get the fuck away from this “man”.

He is NOT a nice person and your DC don’t deserve to grow up in this environment. Who knows if this moron will escalate and get physical with the eldest, and / or start giving the youngest shit as well… absolutely not. Protect your children and get the fuck out of there and don’t look back. Thank god you don’t have a shared child - count that as a blessing.

GrazingSheep · 04/05/2023 23:42

What should I do? Should I try therapy? Any other ideas?

Consider being single?
Start saving for the therapy your children will need?

SarahDippity · 04/05/2023 23:46

Wouldn’t you wonder if his ‘high-conflict’ ex has good cause to discourage their children from seeing him?

Redburnett · 04/05/2023 23:48

You should prioritise your children, which probably means ending the relationship.

SammyScrounge · 04/05/2023 23:49

For Heaven's sake, he locked you and your daughter out of the house. What does this tell you about his hopes for the future?

Dery · 04/05/2023 23:54

This is hopeless, OP. He’s abusing you and your children. You need to get him gone or you will lose your daughter who should not be exposed to a quasi-step parent who dislikes her.

Keepitweird · 04/05/2023 23:54

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 04/05/2023 23:20

I don't think he's depressed

I think he's a cunt

I completely agree 😈

Sunflowerstitch · 04/05/2023 23:59

I only got a third of the way through the post and gave up. It’s so sad that there are children who have to put up with parents like you. Your child is being blatantly abused by your latest fuck toy and instead of throwing his abuser out of the house you’re asking what you should do on here

yellowsmileyface · 05/05/2023 00:04

It is generally advised not to do couples counselling if it's an abusive relationship, which I'm afraid yours is. Abusive men are master manipulators and he will most likely convince the therapist that all the problems in the relationship are all your fault.

I advise you make plans to leave.

EllandRd · 05/05/2023 00:04

Why are you with him? The fact his own kids don't see him is very telling. No way would anyone pick on my kids like what he is doing. End it and put you and your kids in a much healthier happier household. Let him rot in his own misery.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 05/05/2023 00:11

Having your DC around and seeing their relationship with you shows him the vivid difference between that and his relationship with his DC and he's too immature, selfish and jealous to deal with it.

So he's punishing all of you for what he doesn't have, and that will always be the case.

This is who he is, when things are going well he's all sweetness and light, when they're not he blames everyone else for his problems and makes everyone around him suffer. The only way to fix things is for everything in his life to always be sweetness and light. That is not sustainable or even the least bit realistic. Life will always throw crap at you, along with the good stuff.

Dump him because he has shown you very clearly

CrotchetyQuaver · 05/05/2023 00:27

Get the house on the market asap

FiddleLeaf · 05/05/2023 00:31

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 04/05/2023 23:20

I don't think he's depressed

I think he's a cunt

Agreed. Protect your children from him

Opentooffers · 05/05/2023 00:31

You have to show your DC that you prioritise them. Within that, I guess it's normal to wonder what the trigger is, but is he going to tell you? I doubt it's his own DC, as this 'angst' with his ex has been ongoing for years and you say that this is a recent change. If it were another woman, then you are better off dumping him, if he's just now showing what a nasty human he is, he's still should be dumped. The reason no longer matters, take charge, and calmly say that you agree that you should split up whatever the reason is for the change. Discuss only next practical steps, make it real rather than his childish attitude of frequently dumping you. You might want to consider getting your ducks in a row before a serious talk, so take time to dothat if needs be - while ignoring him and distancing him from you and your DC's daily lives as much as possible.

Opentooffers · 05/05/2023 00:35

Bear in mind that it could well be behaviour like this he displayed to his own DC, that has put them off him. He is showing he doesn't have the aptitude for being a parent.