I need some advice about my relationship with my partner.
We have both been married before and have kids with our exes.
My eldest (14) doesn’t see their dad and the other two (12,10) stopped for a while due to his behaviour and neglect.
His kids (10,11) come to ours but not regularly.
Eldest hasn’t seen us for 6 months now and the other comes when they please.
My partner is at breaking point over his relationship with his kids (ex is very high conflict and has actively interfered with contact for around a decade) and the fact we now get very little time alone and this is having a negative impact on everything else.
He is currently blaming my kids for the deterioration of our relationship because they are here most of the time.
He has particularly got it in for my eldest because they are a teen and have a bit of the teen attitude to go with it.
In the last couple of weeks he has really changed.
He is moody, miserable, irritable and nasty.
He complains about everything, doesn’t notice when I do/say nice things or am helpful or supportive but also doesn’t do anything himself to sort stuff out. He is a complainer and a procrastinator which is a toxic combination. I am a positive person mostly and like to find solutions, not problems.
At the weekend, he lost his temper because my eldest finished an activity early and had to be collected. This meant I had to leave 30 mins early from our scheduled time together.
He got really angry with me on our way back and then locked us both out of the house.
He said it was the final straw because he doesn’t like her attitude.
He has refused to apologise to her, even though she had done nothing wrong and I’ve told him I don’t agree with him not doing so.
He also treats his own children completely differently - they are allowed to be rude and disrespectful to me with no consequence and can do as they please as he is worried they won’t want to see him if he corrects them. He always makes excuses for their behaviour ‘it’s not surprising to eyre like that when their mum does xxx’ but doesn’t allow my kids the same courtesy, even though my kids’ dad is abusive!
Roll on tonight, he has been out doing his hobby for around 4-5 hours.
In that time I have finished my work (I have a stressful job), sorted out my kids and then decided to do my nails and sit with a glass of wine for a while.
He then got angry because the kitchen wasn’t clean and I didn’t go in straight away to help him do it when he’d had a shower.
He also got angry because my eldest had left shampoo bottles in the shower.
At the weekend, he DUMPED me because of my eldest coming home early (we’ve been together around a decade, own a house together etc).
He has never been like this before and I am at a loss, although he does always seem to dump me when he gets stressed.
He basically says that if I’m
not in his life he has less to deal with because my kids aren’t around either, which is charming.
I think he is depressed but he says the way he feels is down to my kids and the ‘home environment (he means my kids when he says that too) and is expecting me to just ‘take’ all the shit he gives me.
He doesn’t like it when I get angry about stuff - he always says I’m ‘taking it out on him’ when all I’m doing is expressing my anger, not even AT him.
We spoke about couples counselling and I’ve written a list of issues which has made me realise how much resentment is inside me.
He says he is committed to sorting things but his horrible behaviour tells me otherwise. I always thought we had a really great, social relationship but I feel like he is ruining it now.
What should I do? Should I try therapy? Any other ideas?