Think I need to step back from this friendship group, but how?

[TeamSleep]

I’m in a friendship group but over the past couple of years I have been getting the feeling one person in the group doesn’t really like me. It’s subtle and I might be imagining it but nevertheless it’s getting me down. Every time she does something to make me think she doesn’t like me I obsess over it and feel really down about myself. It’s like I crave her approval and I really don’t know why!

I have decided for my own mental health I need to distance myself from this person but I don’t know how to do that without losing my other friendships in this group, this person is very central to the group dynamic whereas I think everyone could take or leave me!

We’re all in a what’s app group and I really want to leave it as I find myself obsessing over how she’s responding to me/or not. It’ll be so weird if I just leave the chat though, but I find it hard to see the messages and not join in but then when I do join in I worry I’ve said something stupid and what this person is thinking of me.

Can anyone relate and give any advice on how I can approach this?

I’d post something like you are detoxing from social media for a while. Archive and mute the chat and ignore it completely for a while and see how you feel

Thank you @NoNamesLeft371 I’ve muted the chat already but I still see when I go in to check other messages that there’s been some activity on it so I read it and often feel obliged to chip in. I’ll look at how to archive chats. I’m not sure about saying I’m detoxing though as I have other friends and chats that I enjoy and won’t they see I’ve been online.

Can you tell I over think things a bit 😆

Can you give a couple of examples of things she is saying/doing?

And I imagine that if she is doing something just remember it says more about her than you

Usualky these types are very insecure and she may well feel
threatened by you or you may have something she wants - looks? House, job? Family perhaps?

tricky. I do think once’s there’s a weird dynamic with someone in the group it’s difficult to come back from. Unless you are close enough that you can have a chat with this person about it, all you can do is keep your distance but you’ll just feel more and more conscious of it over time. Happened to me and in the end I decided the group wasn’t worth the hassle. Sounds like you have other lovely friends too so it’s good that you aren’t too reliant on this group.

I just feel like she looks down on me. An example is I was having a moan recently about how difficult it is getting my children to get ready for school in the morning. She said something like “I’d love to see how different your children would be if I looked after them”. She’s much stricter than me (and her children love going to school) so I laughed and said “yes that would be interesting” and she then said “I’d need to have had them from birth though” meaning, I think, that the way they are is a result of the rubbish way I’ve brought them up. I couldn’t think of any other way to take that comment really. It’s just little digs like that.

Wow she's nasty!

That’s interesting. So I’m not just being paranoid. She’s only like that with me.

Wow she sounds a treat.

I think your best to just leave the WhatsApp group. Can't you message the people you like privately? And if they ask why you've left and you don't want to give the real reason just say I'm finding group chats overwhelming?

I’m in your exact same situation. Apart from I actually left for my own mental sanity. There was 5 of us. I don’t speak to any of them now. I was heartbroken. But I definitely needed to do it for my own mental health. And I don’t regret it at all!

That is very rude and passive aggressive.

how long have you been friends?

Are the others intimidated by her too do you think?

And what nonsense re your kids I bet hers are terrified of her

We’ve been friends for about 7 years, she started off really, really lovely but turned. She has been through a lot lately so I made allowances for that but I’m really starting to feel picked on now. But she is kind of intimidating and I’m not sure I’d want to get in the wrong side of her.

Are you better looking/richer/thinner/have a hot partner/a talented child/have a better job/a nicer house, etc. It sounds like she’s jealous of something and is trying to put you on your place. Archive the group.

That's not a subtle dig OP!

My word that's a very cutting thing to say.

You're a shit mum and your kids are now irreparably deficient.

Fucking hell, call it out even lightly with something like Well That Was Rather Below The Belt, wasn't it?

She sounds like Amanda from Motherland.

If all the others don't find her annoying then these guys are not your tribe. Surely there's someone in your corner?

you're not being paranoid about her she's really rude.

The fact no one else has said anything in your defense, is not a good sign.

Have you tried just ignoring her comments ? absolutely no response to them.

She sounds like a bully with her behaviour.

She’s not like it to the others though, only to me. She’s very Amanda from motherland and I’m afraid I’m a classic Anne!

Also, don’t do what I did OP and just abruptly leave. Post a message and just say you have a bunch of things going on in your private life right now that you need to focus on so you’re going to leave the chat for a while and I hope we can all stay in touch. Leave it at that x

It would be a shame to leave though if you get on fine with the others, I'd be obsessing too though i must admit

She’s a bully, and you’re behaving like a typical victim trying to win her approval and be friends to stop it, that’s quite normal, don’t feel bad. You need to bite back I’m afraid. The only way to deal with bullies is to stand up to them. Snipe back.

Thanks everyone, you’ve made me feel so much better that I’m not being overly sensitive or paranoid to feel the way I do. I’ve archived the chat and will just try to distance myself a bit for a while. If it means I lose these friends then at least I have others! But I really don’t want to make an enemy of this person and the saying “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” keeps going around in my head.

Anne is the best! Be more Anne!

She sounds like a right bitch and a pp is right suggesting she is probably jealous of something you have or she perceives you have and is trying to belittle you to make herself feel better. And maybe she sees you react to her words and behaviour whereas others don't so she finds it easier and more satisfying to 'pick on" you.
Please don't give up all your chats. Maybe turn off 'last seen' and read receipts on WhatsApp then nobody knows if and when you've been online or whether you've read their messages if you feel you must, but don't let her control your friendships or your behaviour to Amy great extent.
You obviously have a lot of friends who love you for exactly who you are so carry on enjoying them relationships, hold your head high and try not think about her or her stupid little comments

You won't lose the friends, you don't have to be in a group all the time. Have coffee with the one you're closest to sometimes or something, and don't mention Amanda!